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/doomer/ - Doomers Club

Most precious years of our lives are gone and now we clinch to alcoholism

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game devving

File: 793d00f44166329⋯.jpg (81.82 KB,849x908,849:908,1228.jpg)

 No.27540

I'm not white. I'm rather young, 19, I don't drink, smoke or eat that much trash food, I avoid soft drinks, even coffee. I'm a skeleton, I don't have any muscle, though sweeping (and mopping sometimes, though I've stopped for a while since my incorrect method left me with wrist pain) a huge chunk of my house every morning keeps me relatively "fit". I still live with my family, I dislike most of their presence except for my mother, my grandmother was paralyzed from a stroke, the entire side of her body, the fact that I don't remember which side should tell you how much I care about her. I don't dislike her in a personal way, the entire family has grown to allow my grandfather to take care of her for almost everything, so I can just forget about her for most of the day, the stench from her room and the depressed look on her face only bother me when I go downstairs to take a sip of water. My grandfather and my aunt are assholes, that's all I say, they haven't wronged me in any way other than a verbal one (my aunt did slap me sometimes for things I wouldn't consider slap-able), but they are assholes, this is not a post for that.

I'm a school dropout, a virgin and I've only had a single girlfriend in my entire life, boo hoo. Sometimes I contemplate in contacting her again, I know her Instagram, she has a boyfriend now and some photos and comments I've seen in photos of her make me feel like she got pregnant. I masturbate almost daily, my streaks of no fap last around 3 days, or so did the last one I tried. I masturbate to lolis, incest, rape, NTR, not a big furry guy (not into costumes or anything to do with real life), but some art I jack off to would make some people think I'm one. Most of the time I imagine my friends from middle school, I picture them as the girls I masturbate to, doesn't matter if it's a real girl or a drawing, I have a specific girl to remember when I see a specific type of character (brown skinned character? my girlfriend, even though she wasn't that brown. Pale skinned character? another girl I had a crush on in highschool before I dropped out. Generic Middle Eastern character? almost every girl I went to school with, all brown people, as long as they are not outright African, can be used interchangeably in my mind to represent each other, like South Americans and Middle Easterners)

____________________________
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 No.27541

And what am I in my fantasies? until an entire year ago, just me, or a black guy with a huge prick, or just the guy fucking the girl in the video/image. Now? now, I'm always a white man. A strong white guy with great genes, almost always European, obviously with a huge prick. He's racist and he is the stereotype that progressives have of a right-leaning white man. I imagine myself as this white guy when I picture myself fucking my girlfriend, old school friends and even relatives. This obviously came from the relatively new fetish Bleached. Like Blacked, but for whites, cool, uh? I've gone through the very bottom for the most deranged stuff, even things the people from that community, most of them, would find degenerate and disgusting. Nazi officer with Jewish girl, conquistador with Hispanic girl, generic soldier fucking Middle Eastern girl. I masturbate to stuff that the media would never focus on just because of how taboo the concepts are.

So, yeah, that's why this post is named Hyper Racial Awareness. I think Bleached only awakened something in me that's always been there, my personal disgust toward myself, my personal views of beauty. I think white people are simply more beautiful, more hot, they just look right. I look at people that throughout my whole life I wouldn't even focus too much on and I think how much they look like subhumans, they look inbred, they just don't look good or attractive, and if they do, I rationalize that they look white, which isn't really a lie most of the time.

My escapist fantasies used to be mostly myself, though I'm a bit of a fag, sometimes I imagined myself as a girl, too. Nothing particular sexual about it, I was in fact into the idea of leaving my sexuality behind and becoming an asexual being, sometimes these fantasies were me leading a better world, sometimes leaving everything behind and spending the rest of my days in solitude, sailing across an infinite sea in a strange machine. Now I want cruel fantasies, I want to be a king, take women away from their countries, I want to hear them say how much they prefer my perfect white body. Then I ejaculate and these fantasies leave, and I'm back into the asexual fantasies, the calm fantasies. It's a mix between post ejaculation regret and a personal feeling I can hardly describe. I feel happy, happy that I don't have those thoughts anymore, I think about how white guys are indeed handsome but mostly okay dudes, that I actually look pretty alright, not a disgusting mutt, not a Native looking subhuman.

Then, the next day, it all repeats, over and over.

Ever since I was a kid I've been pretty fucked up, fucked up in sexual terms. But I think I've hit bottom lately.

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 No.27549

>>27541

>most of them, would find degenerate and disgusting. Nazi officer with Jewish girl

Porn about that was so popular in israel they had to specifically ban it

Anyway, I think you're going schizo OP, get some meds

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 No.27557

>>27549

Most of those are dominatrix stuff, never been into those, though I'm reading there was at least one from a female POV and a book that's more supposed to be fiction.

I don't take meds, I don't think I need them, it doesn't really bother me for most of the day, my mind can wander off to different moods for most of the day, it's around 3-5 PM that my body has buit its own biological clock to alert me I'm horny.

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 No.27559

>>27557

Dude have you even been diagnosed by a professional? I'm not a fan of shrinks either but its better than just staying like that>>27557

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 No.27563

>>27559

My mom took me to a psychologist once, I was very different at the time, also 12 or 13. I was "smart" enough not to show myself too much, I think the guy was left disappointed when he couldn't really find anything about me, my mom also didn't like the way they handled things because she didn't know it was that type of psychologist that doesn't share the conversations he had with your child with you. Fun fact: my mom says she once saw the manager of the psychiatric in a casino, now that I think about it it's funnier that she thought it looked bad on the manager when she was there to begin with.

At the time I already had a knack for very terrible porn, nothing race related, though.

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 No.27564

>>27563

you need to try to stop watching porn man

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 No.27566

>>27564

Good advice.

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 No.27571

>>27564

yup, sounds more like porn addiction that anything else. i've seen some weird shit too but the regret is always real and its an opportunity for change. good luck anon

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 No.27581

>>27571

The regret is the biggest problem, discipline fixes any addiction, I know.

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 No.27593

>>27581

> discipline fixes any addiction

Not really, there are enough cases where it's brain chemistry above anything else. And that's *really* hard to change. Maybe your head is simply fucked my friend who imagines himself as a black man with a huge cock.

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 No.27598

>>27593

A Mexican man does, or it's easier for me, at least. My cock is brown, so it was easy to picture myself as one of those black beasts deflowering fair maidens. My skin is white (from genetics and my lack of sun intake from staying indoors everyday, even before the pandemic), so it's easy to insert as a white guy.

As for being perhaps fucked up from birth, that I don't know. I was circumcised, which I've read conflicting accounts on having an effect on people, deep traumas are common to hear. I got into incest from kissing my cousin when I was really young. I don't want to spend any more time thinking about where I might of gotten all of my other kinks from, I don't know where the problem lies. I don't know if I want to keep telling you about me, guys, if your advice will help. I just wanted to share (this is not me shutting down the thread, the replies are welcome, I just don't know what to do)

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 No.27599

>>/coomer/

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