And what am I in my fantasies? until an entire year ago, just me, or a black guy with a huge prick, or just the guy fucking the girl in the video/image. Now? now, I'm always a white man. A strong white guy with great genes, almost always European, obviously with a huge prick. He's racist and he is the stereotype that progressives have of a right-leaning white man. I imagine myself as this white guy when I picture myself fucking my girlfriend, old school friends and even relatives. This obviously came from the relatively new fetish Bleached. Like Blacked, but for whites, cool, uh? I've gone through the very bottom for the most deranged stuff, even things the people from that community, most of them, would find degenerate and disgusting. Nazi officer with Jewish girl, conquistador with Hispanic girl, generic soldier fucking Middle Eastern girl. I masturbate to stuff that the media would never focus on just because of how taboo the concepts are.
So, yeah, that's why this post is named Hyper Racial Awareness. I think Bleached only awakened something in me that's always been there, my personal disgust toward myself, my personal views of beauty. I think white people are simply more beautiful, more hot, they just look right. I look at people that throughout my whole life I wouldn't even focus too much on and I think how much they look like subhumans, they look inbred, they just don't look good or attractive, and if they do, I rationalize that they look white, which isn't really a lie most of the time.
My escapist fantasies used to be mostly myself, though I'm a bit of a fag, sometimes I imagined myself as a girl, too. Nothing particular sexual about it, I was in fact into the idea of leaving my sexuality behind and becoming an asexual being, sometimes these fantasies were me leading a better world, sometimes leaving everything behind and spending the rest of my days in solitude, sailing across an infinite sea in a strange machine. Now I want cruel fantasies, I want to be a king, take women away from their countries, I want to hear them say how much they prefer my perfect white body. Then I ejaculate and these fantasies leave, and I'm back into the asexual fantasies, the calm fantasies. It's a mix between post ejaculation regret and a personal feeling I can hardly describe. I feel happy, happy that I don't have those thoughts anymore, I think about how white guys are indeed handsome but mostly okay dudes, that I actually look pretty alright, not a disgusting mutt, not a Native looking subhuman.
Then, the next day, it all repeats, over and over.
Ever since I was a kid I've been pretty fucked up, fucked up in sexual terms. But I think I've hit bottom lately.