No.24065
A girl turns 18 and is sat down by both her parents
>We've always been up front with you that you were adopted. But now that you've grown its time to let you know the identities of your birth parents. Remember that we will always love and support you. But if you want to know the people that conceived you: it is your decision.
The names in the sealed file were that of my first girlfriend.
The other name is me.
(changed names: FirstGF-Sarah. the_adopted_girl-Nichole)
I got a cryptic email from Nichole but I knew instantly who she was; why she contacted me. I knew the name she was given at birth and really hadn't known many Nicholes since.
I instantly felt a sucking void in my chest. I responded immediately
>I know what this is about. I'm ready to speak with you.
<I don't know what you mean. I just need to know of any pertinent medical history. I don't need money from you or anything. I'm not looking for a relationship with you if that's not what you're looking for.
"a relationship with you if that's not what you're looking for." The sweet, searching girl. "a relationship" she actually brought it up from the the onset with the out-option for me of "if that's not what you're looking."
Texts were exchanged. I was blunt. She was clearly scared and we made arrangements to speak for the first time in 3 days.
I spent those 3 days as drunk and high as I could muster, but I made it to the planned phone call with a reasonable window to sober up. I made pleasantries as best I could, played coyly
>Forgive me, I don't know how to do this. What do I say, "Hi. My name is Anon. I understand I might be related to you?"
I wasn't going to say father, even with the qualifier of "biological" on it. Its not my word to say. There was some back and forth. The question of medical history was addressed. I have chronically healthy physically healthy family. But the conversation was clipped. It was awkward. I thought I could drive it charmingly but I was in shock and the girl that wrote such thorough and grammatically-correct texts/emails showed the timidness you'd expect of an 18-year-old girl in our conversation. Nichole eventually asked me
<When was the last time you were with Sarah. You know….
>Intimately? Mid X month of 1999. ( my mind turns ) Wait. Did you talk to Sarah already? What did she say?
>Well. She said she was 99% sure it was you. But, there was also this other guy.
Other guy. Other guy. Other guy.
____________________________
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No.24068
(having problems with post length, captchas, apologies if double post)
>>24065
And then it hits me. 18 years ago and in the aftermath of Sarah's pregnancy I'm in the kitchen of that dingy rental house after I was moved across the country (in part to separate me from the girlfriend I'd been sneaking around with). Sarah's family wanted me gone. My family wanted Sarah gone. They were both in agreement about what was to be done and I certainly would have no say in it whatsoever.
The air in the house was thick with resentment. My mother hated me then. And I hated her. I remember wanted to hit her in the face when she said, "I knew that girl had been around the track a few times." But I didn't. I just hung my head and sulked - and shuffled to whatever I was told to do.
I walked into the kitchen one day to find my mother facing me to give a few spiteful remarks, to which I said nothing. Then she said,
<I got a call from the clinic that is seeing Sarah. They said the date of conception was (early day of Y month). Were you with her then
After all the hateful things Sarah said to me in those months. After all the spiteful things my parents had said to me in these months. I owned the guilt. I had accepted it. It was mine
>Yes. I was with her then. Yes. It was me. I don't want to talk about it.
Sarah had told her family, my family, doctors, and adoptive agents I was the father: the only one.
Like some strange flashback. Like a forgotten memory. I relayed these events on the phone to Nichole as sterile and devoid of what I was feeling as I could. But the conversation sputtered significantly after that. Eventually we said goodbyes.
The truth is Sarah was a bit of a compulsive liar. She told odd stories about things that happened about school, about her friends, about her family. She had me convinced during our time dating that she suffered constant physical abuse at the hands of her father, but I never saw a bruise and no one else did. She had a huge falling out with one circle of friends. She got new friends. I heard it was over lying. I never really pried into one about. Sarah explained she had been "self-medicating" and her friends couldn't handle it. She had a problem and needed support - I accepted that reason. Sarah even maintained a consistent narrative of a close family friend that lived at her house sometimes, had such wonderful qualities, that I never met. Never saw. I believe now he never existed and was really just a template to indicate what sort of man I was supposed to act like.
I relayed an instance of this to Nicole in an email, as nicely as I could. I received a curt response that she would like to order a paternity test, and I agreed. It looks like she ordered the first, cheapest test that popped up on a google search. I don't know if I should be worried about the accuracy. I don't know how to approach the desire for clinical accuracy in the face of the fact I have no money. It looks like the budget shipping was selected, too - so I've got this to think about for a month or longer.
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No.24069
>>24065
The emails and texts stopped coming from Nichole. I think she recognizes that I'm a sad bitter man. I think I know what any accurate test will say. I'm not her father. What point would there be in the sweet-girl-that-feels-value-in-kinship knowing a person like me.
The aftermath of Sarahs pregnancy poisoned my relationship with her. I guess all the hateful things she said to me were her way of redirecting her own shame about "this other guy." It poisoned my relationship with my family. I turned into the whipping boy:
>hey Anon, stop what you're doing and get ready to leave for your uncles tomorrow morning at 6am. You need to help him move. Do you have somewhere else to be? Do you have a job to get to? No? Earn your keep.
It poisoned opportunities I had with future relationships. It was the kick-off major depressive episode that has dogged me my entire life (rel: https://youtu.be/NOAgplgTxfc?t=223). It gave me lingering thoughts of worthlessness on repeat, the belief that "you don't deserve a family. You created a child that you abandoned. You are scum."
I know I should have realized the deception back then. I still don't understand how I didn't. I don't know why I'm so gullible. I don't know why I'm so weak. Ol' Dirty has more baby-mamas that fingers but it never stopped him from cutting records. Other men certainly have seen greater tragedy and it didn't derail them forever.
In my lurking of chans I have seen so many of the threads of the constant virgins' laments. I've usually thought it could be worse. Every woman I've ever slept eventually behaved in relationship ending ways to make me feel worthless. None ever quite topped the first. Sarah told me, among other things, I had completely ruined her life. I'm in my mid-30s, jobless, aimless, childless, broke, broken.
During our phone conversation I had asked Nichole as dryly as I could, "How is Sarah doing these days."
<She's good. She's been married for a while. She has five kids.
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No.24076
>>24069
Life sucks. I wouldn't be worried much about those emails from Nichole stopping though. Like I can't talk to my father, just don't know how, and I knew him for big part of my life, now imagine her situation. It's awkward, hard, it takes a lot of time. But why do you think your every relationship ended up in mess? Just out of pure interest.
>inb4 all women are evil
yeah ok
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No.24079
>>24076
> I wouldn't be worried much about those emails from Nichole stopping though
I'm not sure you realized that I'm pretty sure I'm not her father. I wish I was. All the guilt I bore for all of these years would have been to some purpose. It was over nothing. Sarah lied to me and never had the care or concern to release me from the guilt.
>But why do you think your every relationship ended up in mess?
covered in OP. constant life-killing depression that all started with the original episode described. there are also a handful of opportunities with girls I didn't take in the years following the fallout with Sarah sat on my hands too long; was too timid. Through early 20s I had other women in temporary orbit that eventually got bored and paired off with other men.
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No.24082
>>24079
My apologies, I admit I was reading few paragraphs more than once because I got confused by the names and who is related to who. Apparently I still got it wrong.
Doesn't this change mean for you maybe opportunity to clear things up a bit in your life? I mean that she lied to you and left you in guilt for years but it's not your fault. Now that you know how things are, aren't you feeling different? In any way, maybe more angry or more indifferent to her but not depressed? I get it isn't easy and I'm not trying to say anything here, I'm just asking if you don't mind.
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No.24085
>>24082
Enraged. I mean, I'm quite literally "cucked" as the derivative is traditionally based. Its not as if this is the only story in all this time but it very truly had an absolutely profound affect on my life as it kicked of a delusional tier major depression and recurring depression has defined me ever since.
If Sarah had been honest that she'd slept with SomeOtherGuy while we were together a paternity test would have been demanded, then. I would have been absolved, then.
I literally cannot imagine how everything had been different. And its not as if I don't recognize how fucking stupid it is. Other men have had a lying-cheating significant other. Why should I have taken it so hard? Why would this turn the switch in my brain that made me reminisce every day about things I've done wrong: I still think regularly about the times I mistreated other children in grade-school. To be so fixated, so obsessed, so self defeating. I guess I was fragile. Perhaps if it wasn't this, it would have been some other petty thing, but this is where that type of thinking started.
To know, one way or another (hope this cheapo by-mail paternity test isn't a crock of shit) will help. But really - my youth is gone so many ships have sailed. My brain chemistry is not what it would have been.
I've had no hopes or aspirations for some time. Even if there's a minor solace in the end of this story I don't see how I can just walk into a satisfying life much less make up for 19 squandered years riddled with guilt and regret.
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No.24086
>>24065
not to be rude, your situation is really messed up and i have empathy for you, but…
>I'm in my mid-30s, jobless, aimless, childless, broke, broken.
im pretty sure you already heard this but, join the army
there might be a draft coming, if not, you could make a few extra bucks and shoot some shit
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No.24089
>>24085
>Its not as if this is the only story in all this time but it very truly had an absolutely profound affect on my life as it kicked of a delusional tier major depression and recurring depression has defined me ever since.
Yes well no doubt about that, it's pretty heavy shit. However, if I may, be careful about allowing depression to define you. It's very easy to fall into this hole and there might be no solutions but accepting your condition and allowing it to define you are very different things. Not trying to preach, it's tough shit and understandable, just maybe this might be opportunity for you to see things differently. That this is shit that has been thrown at you because of someone else and not who you were and are. As you said yourself, if she wouldn't lie to you, things might've been different - and now you can be sure about the truth. I see some benefit in it, even though the damage is done.
>I don't see how I can just walk into a satisfying life much less make up for 19 squandered years riddled with guilt and regret.
You can't. As I said, damage is done and no one will give you those 19 years back. However now you are fully aware of it. My mother used to have very big issues with depression for maybe 5+ years(?) and the thing which she always said to me was that what she regrets most are those wasted years with that illness and that she didn't seek for help sooner. When you are in this shit, you don't think like this, only after (and if ever) you get over it. What I'm trying to say is that maybe you have few more years in front of yourself and maybe stuff will get better just a tiny bit, new perspective, after you know the truth now, you can't tell. Be careful that you won't regret even more than 19 years, that would be my huge fear right now. Great is that you can speak about it openly, many people in your shoes wouldn't be able to do so. I can only wish you that if there is something even little bit positive you can take from this, you will take it, no matter how much doomed and past your best years you are now. To be real though? You will carry those scars with you forever but at least they are not open wounds as they used to be while you lived in lie. Sorry about the preachy part, life just sucks.
>>24086
You accept to army people with mental health issues, huh? Well I guess there isn't any other options, either draft kids or mental patients because no one with bit of healthy mind would join army in this year.
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No.24093
>>24086
>join the army
I've thought about it. I think for more than a couple branches I've crossed the threshold that I'd need an age waiver. Though I've done enough physical training in recent years that it might not be an issue.
Some reasons give me pause.
One, I'm a bit of a pretentious-fag. I have a deep abiding distaste for the sort of thoughtless obedience style "patriotism" I've observed in the servicemen I've known. Also the idea of being subservient to some 20-something CO as retarded as those encountered is a real punch in the gut. Maybe that's just the useless pride I need beaten out of me.
But the bigger problem I have is an ethical one. I'm of the believe that the American military has had no business being involved in most of the major (and minor) conflicts in which they've had a hand in living memory. At least major involvements haven't been for the benefit of American citizens (unless you count trickle-down enforcement of a global financial monopoly) and at most they've been almost categorically morally wrong.
I don't see how someone like me could fair well under contract. I sound like a wash-out personality to me. And, beyond that, I've had real difficulty grappling with ethical issues that most people would probably surmise with, "quit being a bitch." To be party to some real-evil to an unjust, at-least totally impractical to citizens, cause, sounds like some real reasons to eat a gun, to me. I'm not against fighting - unless there has truly been a total change in management I don't know of any causes worth fighting for (at least not sorts that have uniforms).
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No.24134
>>24065
>Alles Nutten ausser Mutti mann das ist so
>Raus aus der Dorfschule, rein in die Disko
who would have thought
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No.24135
>>24086
>joining army
>for money
army is not for money making. stock market is for that
army is for learning how to use weapons, how to build explosives and for gunning down random fuckers just for fun
but I think he will not find happiness in those things anyways
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No.24227
Everyone has a disaster or two in their life, everyone suffers through toxic relationships. But it's strange; some people will hit a metaphorical speed bump and it will utterly destroy them, while others will watch their lives fall apart, they'll wallow for a year or two, and then they'll pick up the pieces and move forward.
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No.24238
>>24227
>Everyone has a disaster or two in their life, everyone suffers through toxic relationships.
Speaking of which, after yet another peaceful year without even thinking about my toxic ex, she wrote me again. Last time, which was 1 year ago, I replied to her e-mail with *snap this goes to my cringe compilation* shrek in hope this won't repeat. We are not together for 2-3 years so what the hell is her endgame…
tl;dr if you spent 5 years in toxic relationship and then you are sad because it's over, maybe you should try BSDM instead
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No.24239
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No.24249
>has a family he keeps in touch with
>had a girlfriend
>has a kid almost
<guys my life sucks
get fucked failed chad
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No.24252
>>24079
Just wondering anon, do you have any proof that you probably aren't her dad? Or are you just suspicious due to Sarah's constant lying in the past?
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No.24255
>>24249
Failed Chads are a pretty /doomer/ demographic. Having it all and losing it is way more depressing than not having anything to begin with.
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No.24261
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No.24266
>>24065
I'm in a very similar situation, except my daughter should be about 3 years old. My "sarah" ejected me from her life while pregnant with her. In my case I know that kid is mine, spitting image. Move on, find a different woman. They aren't all insane.
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No.24272
>>24266
>They aren't all insane.
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No.24274
>>24266
How sorrowful
Maybe one day when she os grown up, she might get in touch with you
I wonder how many children have been weaponized against their fathers already and how many like you never got to live with their own flesh and blood
existence is a nigger
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No.24282
>>24093
35 is the upper age limit for joining the Army, and you'd probably fail basic training anyways.
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No.24303
>>24272
Any /pol/tard or /r9k/er who posts this chart has no self-awareness whatsoever. "Do not generalize from outliers" applies to both tails.
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No.24305
>>24272
That means 2.2% of women are atm depressed and 2.2% are in state of mania. Rest is totally normal, check mate incels.
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No.24306
>>24274
Often fathers (also mothers) just simply fuck up, because such is life. You are human, you do mistakes, you are in whirlwind of stereotypical activities, trying to bring some food on table and you don't even know how, you are alcoholic and your child doesn't know who are you. Being parent means accepting also this risk. Yes, great parents who can handle both, their own problem and problems of their children, those deserve medal.
And sometimes just things go wrong in different. I don't know what is worse for kid, if divorcing and making one parent disadvantaged (because someone gets the child) or being together in shits for long years until kid grows up, living in tensions which kid also feel.
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No.24343
Your post resonates deeply anon. I have been through 2 paternity(scam) attempts already. One I was 19 and the mother tried to contact me 10 years later. I brought her in, showed her my family, tried to not traumatize her during negotiations, staying far away from her, until everything was settled. I was not the father, she vanished from the face of the earth before I even suggested to her family to repeat. I had to face her family and ask where she was, no answers. I heard I'm supposed to feel bad about that from some friends. The last one is more recent with my last gf, which transformed in final-boss tier BPD after pregnancy and more recently, I became dyke, the destroyer of civilizations. I will update on it if I have some time.
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No.24344
>>24076
But all women are necessary evils
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No.24377
>>24252
I_kno_rite?
>>24282
I think I could hack it.
I can't reject the idea of military service on practical grounds but I'm not sure if I can stomach the ethical implications
>pic related
>>24252
sort of addressed in the original post. I know it doesn't make sense but an incongruous date_of_conception was clinically relayed in the months following Sarah's pregnancy. I should have known. But I didn't believe it. Sarah was in my ear, maybe only by phone, every day.
I was with my family in another state and initially Sarah was demanding that I come to her. I even pushed for that; but I didn't have a choice. I was under 18 and my parents made it clear if I tried to jump ship law enforcement would retrieve me. I'd already been hauled in front of a judge months prior to "straighten me out." Also her family was part of an in-group-only church that made it clear if I showed up there'd be a restraining order. In a way both our hands were tied. When it became clear I couldn't be retrieved; Sarah turned her tact to just heaping her ire on me. I was a whipped dog.
I believed Sarah. I accepted the guilt.
When I spoke to Nichole all of these years later, Sarah actually acknowledged, to her, another man. I should have known but the news was still a shock. She never revealed that to me, not to my family, not to her family, not to anyone - when it mattered.
And when I finally heard that truth my brain just clicked. The rejected memory stood clear. I asked Nichole her birthday and it points away from me.
>>24089
>be careful about allowing depression to define you
Maybe. But I didn't choose it. Again - the story is almost trivial compared to what many anons have endured. I don't understand why such a thing should have haunted me so. Perhaps being weak was my sin and if it wasn't this it would have been something else. But this is where I got that first shove - the girl I chose, that claimed to care.
I'll have an answer in a few weeks. I hope Nichole is my daughter. I know I was never and can never be anything much to her - but I've already paid a toll and my endless childlessness kills me.
But every indication points to the reality:
I was saddled with endless supervision and community service hours when we'd be caught previously. It became very difficult to see each other at all. I was essentially working full-time after school for nothing.
As our relationship became strained Sarah found her way to some party (apparently she could still get around, as long as it wasn't to see me). Got drunk & probably high - and had unprotected sex (something we didn't do) with some guy whose name she didn't even bother to learn; the girl shared her and my virginity because marrying out of highschool seemed like ok plan.
I was just her sucker. A few weeks and this old story is finally over.
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No.24380
>>24249
>"iknowrite" wrong post ref.
seems like a perfectly fair sentiment at this point
>>24255
eh… i dont know. maybe. probably not but I'm always floored to have ended in the same place
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No.24393
>>24343
>hello anon
>this is your child btw
>it is from 10 years ago
>now pay monies
current state of the world women looking for bagholders to squeeze out of sheckels
cucks enabling them for muh love <3
I am glad it did not work on you. I mean different story is if this was indeed your child and you wanted to be part of the childs life but this is just disgusting coming in after 10 years "ayo dawg, this yo' child an sheeeiiiit**
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No.24411
>>24393
>current state of the world
Nothing speaks volumes about how faggots here have zero life experience in the real world than that they think it's all the "current state" of the world, and not the only state. People have been getting screwed like this (assuming the story is even real and not just some Tumblr-esque and everyone clapped nonsense) for generations, for centuries, but it's apparently the "current state" because we got a narrative to uphold lmao.
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No.24418
>>24393
>court said I have to give my ex-wife my crypto bags
>mfw it's her hodl now
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No.24420
>>24411
current state is that people let this shit happen and nobody gets furious about it
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No.24421
>>24418
>giving your private key to anyone
better say next time you forgot your password to your encrypted USB drive
they can then find out how to prove you did not forget it
meanwhile you better look for asylum in foreign country…
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No.24450
>>24411
>for centuries
Oh yes, of course. You tried that shit back then and you'd be getting a public stoning, humiliation or other form of punishment depending on where you lived and your best hope would be to be shunned. No one would be saying "aww you're such a victim and completely faultless, Roastie-chan, let daddy government take care of you and hand you gibs+alimony"
But nah, you're right. It's those silly incels at it again.
>>24418
>not hiding your crypto addiction from your wife no matter what
>"honey how did you pay for that yacht?"
>"I'm a druglord, baby. You talk a word and I'll kill you."
EZPZ
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No.24472
>drug lord
>doing dirty jobs himself
you have cleaners for that stuff, Hendrik ;)
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No.24495
>>24450
She will be mad when she will get hodl of my worthless shitcoin stacks though. Imagine you expect to get half of house or something but instead you receive keys to DigiByte wallets.
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No.24502
>>24472
I don't think you understand.
>>24495
kek
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No.24507
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No.24945
>>24065
its official. im childless. all indications point to that being a permanent state of affairs.
tfw played Arthur Dimmesdale - puritanical self hating nothing over the lies of a cheating whore
fuck this story.
fuck my life.
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No.24947
>>24945
I really like results look like some matrix shit.
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No.24952
>>24947
its a standard pdf
don't tell me your word processors, browsers, and other text editing software have white background themes?
not very doomer.
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No.24955
>>24952
But I'm not a doomer.
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No.25003
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No.29756
>>24450
>You tried that shit back then and you'd be getting a public stoning, humiliation or other form of punishment depending on where you lived and your best hope would be to be shunned.
And you would be used as cannon fodder instead of taking up valuable oxygen. Your best hope would be digging latrines. No one would be saying "aww, you're such a victim and completely faultless, anon, let mommy government take care of you and hand you gibs + NEETbux."
But nah, you're right, it's those silly roasties at it again.
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No.29804
>>29756
I've come to the conclusion that reactionaryism is just entitled manchildren with a cushy pampered impression of patriarchy.
They've been brainwashed by euphemistic romanticism brought about by children's entertainment and recycled positivity from parents and teachers
I never believed in adults whom spoke positive cliches to children.
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No.29806
>>29804
it is not about cliches or not
it is about who has the power, who is in a position of power and what system benefits my power best
if you are in the privileged group, would you by free will give up your position of power?
pro tip: of course not and it will always be like that
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No.29815
>>29804
Reactionaryism is just entitled manchildren performatively being some form of dork just for attention. It's glorified attention whoring. They couldn't give a rat's ass about politics, religion, race, whatever. It's all about what gets 'em the most attention. It's kinda like picrel. But y'know, whosoever pretends to be an idiot a lot of the time tends to attract those who really are….
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No.29893
>>29806
Well that's the point. You doomers are no different from the NPCs whom you whine about.
Yell are just butthurt about not being part of "le cool kids club"
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