/christian/ - Christian Discussion and Fellowship

Dear writer of the post.

First of, thanks for posting your question here.

I will dissect your post;

1. Relationship problem, a messy house.

2. Relationship problem, a forgetful boyfriend.

3. Personal observation, you are unable to keep up with what you expect should be happening.

4. You don't pay rent but you do pay groceries and others odds and ends.

5. The problem of not being able to keep the house in order, is giving you anxiety, which turns in a negative spiral.

6. You do not want to ask him for help.

Your question is; "What should i do?"

I am missing a few bits and pieces, i can only comment on the information you have given, my apologies if i come across a bit harsh, i will clearly present it when i am assuming things.

4. In regards to money.

You are together in a relationship, as you write your post on this group i assume you want to engage it from a Christian perspective.

As such; Money can not be used as an excuse here. You are together, scripturally speaking you have both become "one flesh", i assume you have "song of solomon" moments together, as such it is not your money, it is both yours, and it is not his money, it is both yours.

Keep in mind, i do believe the man should be the head of the household, in regards to submission to decisions and disputes unless they are resulting in real abuse.

3 and 5

I am not sure in what kind of household you are living, i am currently living on my own, and i make a mess, (dishes and clothes) however i am able to clean this mess in less then a few hours if i really want to.

You present us with the following, how your part time job is turning you into a mess mentally and physically due to the odd hours you have to work.

I assume you can not change your job and work more stable hours, if you can you would've probably already tried.

First off, lower you expectations maybe?

I do not know how much of a mess is a mess in your house, someone with OCD could not deal with cloths piling up, whilst someone else wouldn't feel there is anything wrong even though it looks like a bomb has exploded in the house.

For now, work on lowering expectations, this is likely going to help you in the right way, you mention that you like cleaning, so do not destroy this by overburdening yourself.

However, to overburden oneself is also relative.

You claim to not have any downtime, maybe you could do some ironing while watching a bible course or listening to a bible podcast, combining both into downtime?

Talk with your boyfriend.

Ask him about what he thinks of the state of yours both home, and that you would like to create a more tidy space.

Buy boxes and label them.

Dirty clothes, put them in these boxes, dirty kitchenware, place it in this box/dishrack, clean socks and underwear, place them in those boxes, videogame cardridges, dvds, or w/e place those in those boxes.

How many clothes do either of you wear?

I change my underwear and t-shirts daily, however sweaters and jeans, definitely not so much, you can both work on folding up used however still clean clothes and putting them in their respective places.

Turn dishwashing into a family event, one washes, the other dries.

Wipe down the shower/bath after you finished, leave some toilet paper on the bottom of your toilet before you do nr. 2, dust the shelves every other week instead of every day, turn other house chores into moment of meditation on God's word, or, again, whilst listening to something that is good for your spiritual health.

6.

This is not fair to him and yourself, you don't have to "ask him", however you can tell him how you really feel without getting angry if possible, which i don't assume you will, however because you kept this in for so long, the moment you do open up, he could be confused and even hate himself for not noticing, communication is key, please do not let emotions rule these moments.

This is not about money, this is about perception, expectations and capabilities. Maybe write down some pointers before you begin so you can hold on to this as a net.

If you want to bring order in the home, you have to work together to do these things together, a lot of things can be solved before they become a problem.

Again, boxes and labels will probably help you, don't go overboard on these though.

Also, positive reinforcement, if you talked about something and your boyfriend forgets, ask him nicely and when he does it, give him a quick kiss or w/e for it.

If he does something on his own, let him know without being corny, that you appreciate it, i.e. a quick peck on the cheek or a cuddle.

You both need to grow to a more stable household, getting angry after you both have spoken about it will only turn the situation into a fight, probably creating the opposite of what you desire.

1 and 2

1 could be solved, 2, i do not know how or why he is forgetful, i also do not know how forgetful he is, post its will help here, on the fridge, on the computer screen, keyboard, entrance, and when you make him a lunchbox, put on in there to tell him how much you love him.

Also, there is this thing called "google effect", look for it on the web and step away from the search engines from now on but train yourself to remember.

I would like to repeat,

Please do not see the mess in your house as the cause of your state of mind, your expectations are, these expectations could be because of how you were raised, maybe you have some kind of OCD, or maybe because it is truly a trashdump (i still do not understand how people are capable of creating that much of a mess though), the messy house is not the reason why you "close off and end up crying", your expectations and desires are.

It does not mean those expectations and desires are unreasonable, ofcourse not, they could very well be very reasonable, to have a clean house helps against getting infections, diseases and parasites, however just a messy house will not result in these things.

If you can (drastically?) lower the expectations maybe you can start enjoying the cleaning again and combine them with things that could help your spiritual health through listening.

And again, talk with your boyfriend, not to tell him "to clean up after himself", because he never learned in both yours household to do this, so why are you dumping this on him now? Just tell him your state of mind and physique and that you would like to have a change of pace in regards to the household for your personal sanity, you love him very much, however you also have a limited amount of energy to spend so you would like to find suitable solutions, to make a home worthy of both of yours.

If this guy moves mountains for you, he will probably gladly help you out buying boxes and labels, and even if he forgets some things you clearly agreed upon later on, do not get angry, the devil is tempting you to destroy something nice that is building.

I have said all this based on the information i received, as i do not know you personally i am unable to create a tailored solution with you for you and your boyfriends situation, however i do hope these tips will help you.

Wishing you well, and blessings to you and your boyfriend.

P.s. yes, i do have experience with living with other people, we men often care less about the state of the home then women do, however i learned that communication is key and even though fighting is a form of communication, it is not one i advise.