I have a strange predicament; or at least a painful one. I'm a slothful man, but fear it's become too true of a sentence for me and too great a part as well. I'm also a vain man who knows he has to repent but gets himself in such situations that everything is much harder than it needs to be.
It bothers me knowing the ascetic feats of the Church fathers, Saints and elders, and everyone who came before us who had a more robust constitution and life than us, it bothers me knowing I haven't the strength to complete even the simplest task, that I can't do all night vigils, or even set aside an hour of prayer or reading Christian books or literature and follow the appointed task without procrastinating or outright failing. It bothers, and perhaps further prevents me from actually having manliness of the heart, or taking action, or do anything other than be pitiful and waste time always halfway grasping at sin regardless. When I sin, I feel I am not worthy to partake of these things, which are good and we must partake of, and always procrastinate until later when I've resisted sinful thoughts in small ways over the course of say, two or three days - before temptations grow strong again with this particular sin, I can attain a breather upon the third or fourth day, and not feel as calloused when engaging in Christian things.(Meaning less desensitized, more ready to see the beauty in things; it also bothers me that when I sin and I look upon an Icon, a Church, anything that is truly good and feel so little compared to usual, knowing exactly what I have brought upon myself) My problem lies herein however; every time this happens, by the time I deem circumstances maybe alright to focus on what matters again without fear of losing track whilst in the midst of reasons to stay on it, a combination of intensified temptations and the resulting procrastination due to a lack of ability to focus on the good, a lack of sobriety, etc, strikes, and I fall again. This cycle has repeated itself in my life for possibly years now, with only brief periods of extended freedom from the heavy, heavy sins that plague me and freedom to look, read, listen to and engage with the things of the Church without painful, explicit shame and reprehension out of a fear of… I don't know, losing comprehension of the good through my by now lowly place in the world.
I feel I have to force myself to prayer, but end up being absent minded and frustrated at the entire situation, watching the time, my own thoughts, the whole nine yards. I know the answer probably lies there anyway, but sometimes it seems I can't do anything right and that which I can do lies just outside of what I'm willing to do, and I just feel worse and worse. What mindset must I try and enter, what would you have me do? Do you have any tips? Peace, brothers.