/christian/ - Christian Discussion and Fellowship

Now, the strangest things happen. I can be in my room, cleaning it, and the sight of my nightstand Icon catches the corner of my eye, and I instantly convulse into a cringing motion, instinctively, initially out of this sense of “protection” because I was in and surrounding the “outside world”, and did not want to distort in any way or bring such a sinful world into the Christian, as I was reminded of by the Icon. But when I walk down the street and see a lamppost fragment in a certain way unto my eyes, reminding me of a biological pattern and thus creation, and obviously light, I also flinch and feel I have to impulsively do such a thing, to various degrees of intensity, it is a full on tic, and like any seriously heavy tic, one that brings great stress and at least exhaustion to the nervous system. I look at myself as this ruined form, or creature. I am, but not outside of the context of man. Equating myself to my sin, wondering about the workings of sin and myself and where I am left in the wake of it, I fail in explaining, but that there is this baseline doubt and negativity I’ve basically found myself carrying and dealing with at every moment. Lots of fear, lots of flight from matters, I shudder to think in what a state I’ve really left myself and I shudder to think what I have to do. I established mentally such scrupulosity is probably born from a lack of fulfilling engagement in spiritual life, and proper living it thusly. But it is such a dark place, to discover something like that, resolve concretely to better oneself, and fall so far back regardless, I am outraged and quite possibly bordering on despair just outside the realm of my understanding and conceptualization of myself, which includes despair not being an option, though this might also be a harmful admission.

It is not normal or “ok” to write something like this and direct it at someone. It could be argued it’s an act of aggrievement forcing someone to read something like this, the footnote to which goes beyond a “excuse me for the blogpost/long post/rant” etcetera kind of anecdote. You might find it interesting as a sort of profile, if not of me then of what unresolved sin can lead to. Nevertheless, I apologize, truly, I hope, for it, and I hope I will not waste time on something I should have resolved a long time ago, and I hope some use may come out of this. Perhaps I should never even have written this wall of text, and let the idea grow, that I am in such trouble, even subconsciously, I hope I’m forgiven. At any rate, I thank you.

And the same goes for you; truly. I suppose I can be identified from these kinds of posts, and the thread slots I’ve claimed for my own problems, deeming them more worthy to discuss than someone complaining about BLM or not being able to wank to traps, another thing I feel could and should bring a grown man to tears. Anyhow, again, I’m sorry, and hope someone can at least relate.

>>839113

Thank you for the response anyway friend, I’ve been thinking and exposed to some ideas since then and would like to offer my emberassing blogpost as only a little collection of a few paragraphs hardly worth your time, as just a thought with the following for the conclusion, because it’s no Bible translation discussion thread and it’s no atheist debate circle, I guess it’s foolish to come with anything else here. I don’t mean that in a waspy way, just for myself.

Here is the fear of being engulfed in the things of this world, not with faith and focus towards the good, and not the forgiveness of others who have been so, as was known all along, and in communion with like any other sin. When there is this fear of failing strength, or anxiety and many lashing out. In this world we’ve to discern what constitutes good and bad, thriving and suffering is skewed now, not the concepts of suffering and thriving, whereby all suffering out of a standpoint of repentance could be good but isn't. Thriving is skewed because of the passions having been able to run the world for almost all of time as far as we are concerned, and suffering being so plentiful we can barely discern what’s what through the fog of war as it were. But instead of being enammered with suffering, and risking harm, it is to discover what good is, and progress towards it. To walk this path of discovery, as in looking back upon moments which should have yielded no grace but where certainly steps along the way, is not to yield to fear. To walk this path of discovery, is to not become despondent and scrupulous in expecting heights of honesty and virtue from yourself, it is not to fear failure, as it were, and do, to the best of your abilities, including praying with zeal when it finds you, and with self-contempt, or pity if it is there, hidden, yet, and imperfect as it may be; for I am no athlete in the matter, or anything. But I also am to fill my eyes with light, according to the mind, we flee from the debasement the devil wants of us, but to edify. This is not to sin, not to despair, not to be proud, but hopeful and wholly in communion with the good, as well as humbly before these, and the stumbling, and the stumbling. It is good to be reverent, but never, truly, away. Never asking how far the image and likeness was suppressed to make way for the things of this world, never allowing ourselves to be healed and restored, never releasing hope to.