I was an awful kid growing up and wanted to be really on edge, cool and on top. I watched hardcore intense pornography and was into Nazism when I was young, and developed the most perverse and twisted fantasies surrounding these. I then developed depersonalization disorder/derealization and felt like there was a heavy film between me and the world. In high school I was an avowed atheist and outright hated my Christian upbringing, and was into the paranormal and radical continental philosophy like Nietzsche. My entire life through high school, college and my young adult life was defined by everything 4chan, the board culture, /b/, later /pol/ and all the trivial blue boards /mu/, /fa/, /x/, and /int/. I experimented with intense drugs like DMT and Ibogaine in college, after watching the Joe Rogan podcast and listening to old talks with Terence McKenna, at the same time reading everything and every single conspiracy theory. I got into a really horrible incident when I cyberstalked and threatened my crush from class during freshman and sophomore year of college, with me falling into the Twin Flame delusion that I realized I was at the lowest of the low in my life. I used the darkweb/darknet market to get what I wanted and do some horrible things like purchasing illicit drugs and materials. I know I messed up horribly, with me thinking I was some horrible megalomaniac psychopath that throught I was going to be a millionaire from Bitcoins. I even later attacked my parents and went into the psychward/5150. God gave me his mercy through all this. It wasn't until I started to question where I came from/how I was even born coming from a long line of Christian households, that Jesus began to become of interest to me to come closer to Him. I felt really ashamed and disgusted that I really was a spoiled and ungrateful child living in the material pleasures of suburban America, even if I constantly felt mentally tormented through what seemed like permanent derealization/demonic oppression. It took me over a decade to come to grips with my sanity and mental/medical conditions. And I gradually became slowly more and more delivered as I learned more from God and learned more about praying and fasting, becoming a seed firmly planted in His Word and growing and developing fruits for His Kingdom. God showed me how to apply His love specifically with individual Jewish persons He put in my life. It was really beautiful that we can reflect love by showing our love to our neighbors, for instance our Jewish neighbors whose ancestor rejected Christ. I realized repentance was a gradual thing, and that each step of the way was all from Him, and from His power only, and none of my own effort. Me being really derealized/dissociated/detached and all, this is an especially important point to emphasize. Every single one of my problems was caused by sin and my unwillingness to forgive and show His divine love within this cold, hateful fallen world. And me bearing The Cross all the time and suffering showed me that the Finished Work on The Cross unfolds gradually within me/my heart throughout one's entire life with me having to develop patience, strength and fortitude all the time just to show to the world the simple, easy down to earth complete Truth from a down-to-earth God who loves us all, who literally came down to this world to sacrifice Himself for us, and wants us to be uplifted by being united with Him for all eternity as there is only one way, that no reasonable human that wants something out of his life or wants to be loved should reject, and it is through His Son, Jesus Christ that He could have only made possible.
Jesus Christ is Love/The Truth, The Way and the Life/Light