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/christian/ - Christian Discussion and Fellowship

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
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c60e7d  No.836421

Porn addiction has eaten away at me for the past half decade, ruining my spiritual life every three days or so. Sending me off to tears every three days or so. Sending me into a spiral of self admiration, pride, and wondering why I deserve the good things that come with abstaining even for a little while

I live life like a non believer! As long as an impulse goes

Part of me says, you can always repent later! But in the moment I refuse to see this is the most damning thing possible. All concern for my salvation is cast aside and I emerge from the moment unable to defend why I should draw further breath. I have become entirely diseased, more disrepair than man.

I want to hang my head and say, all the same, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to be a pervert anymore, etc” but I am not so innocent! My sin is astronomical. I quickly relapse on porn some days ago, calmly and firmly resolve not to stress unwarranted, simply to try henceforth. I never tried, truly, I think. Here I am listening to…. I know we don’t usually discuss what’s what, but I’ll say it. bdsm hypno on youtube for an hour, and I get interrupted by a family member coughing loudly after choking on something, I distress and get rid of everything, also inside myself, get back to bed and immediately return to evil thoughts as I repeat “I’m sorry” again and again, and this is not the worst thing I’ve done in recent history. The natural order is obscured, there are times everything reminds me of the perverted pathways I have laid. Perverted reasoning, which I KNOW obstructs the truth, yet I can’t see the truth. I block out any image or thought of goodness, out of fear of perverting it in my eyes, too.

I have become so slothful and negligent in my religious life that the smallest things are obstacles for me, I barely get anything done. I refuse to pray, or fill my life with Christian things, for I get FEARFUL I lose my zeal for them by emerging from such a lowly and frustrated moment to run to them. I feel I couldn’t face the Icons after what I’ve done, and I continue to, even as I wake up the next day, and just live life like anyone….

I’ve not even been baptised yet. How many of you can say in any way you’re glad you haven’t been baptised yet? For if I was,

for if I already was, I wouldn’t have the hope of the end of this person I carry and am today. How would you feel knowing that you would go to hell, today, if it were up to you, and you were to die? I am usually far more scrupulous - but all there is to cope escapes me. There is not a song in the world, a sentence to describe, not a suffering available to me now to pay, I feel, and this is the thousandth time I’ve felt this way. More and more moments I feel the struggle, the call, the glimpses into the natural world of glorification and goodness and light, which I currently am aware of entirely escapes me and will continue to escape me… more and more I find myself in situations where I know, should I not have sinned, something would be occurring, a realization on my path, a precious moment in time, an opportunity to praise, or cultivate something, or remember back, or anything. I sound vague - but I am in pain.

How do you do it? How do you cope? I can’t dignify my existence. I am ruined, I’ve given myself tics, nervous system damage trying to ache my way through somehow - show, somehow, I care, I’ll repent - I am the man who has recieved the most gifts in the whole world, and I have wasted every second of my life during the day all this time. I do not mean to despair, but I do certainly mean to ask - what can I do? As you may take away, I don’t lie when I say, I can’t take it anymore! Lord have mercy upon me, the sinner.

____________________________
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42631c  No.836422

Look into the no fap thread with a picture of marry and no title, a few posts down in this board. There’s quite an intense back and forth about things related to your question. You can decide from there what you want to do.

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c60e7d  No.836425

>>836422

I know, many of the posts are mine…

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e97430  No.836426

File: 3779fc42b424fd0⋯.jpg (80.64 KB, 351x500, 351:500, St_Mary_Egypt.jpg)

>>836421

Use these and make sure you are at least saying the Lord's Prayer three times a day. Delete your porn files right now.

https://akathisthymns.wordpress.com/mary-zosimus/

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5a44cc  No.836435

File: a1d8de563910113⋯.jpg (452.6 KB, 720x938, 360:469, 20200606_215515.jpg)

I'm a recovering porn addict. It hurt me for nearly two decades. I know your pain. Porn is a bottomless pit and in order to climb out I had to take drastic measures.

I moved 2000 miles away to a new city so that I could build new habits and reset my life. It helped a lot. Some new scenery might help you.

I got rid of wifi and haven't had an internet connection in my apartment for the past year. It helped a lot. This caused me to look at porn on my phone but I have since stopped doing that. You can also switch to a flip phone or get a slower connection on your smartphone. When I need internet I go to a public wifi coffee shop or library or use the internet at work. Cut down on your access to internet.

I also learned that isolation is a trigger. I try to be around other people as much as possible. Covid lockdown made this harder and caused me to relapse but I've been clean for 2.5 months. I work 45 hours a week and go to the gym a lot. Become involved in your Church as much as possible. Volunteer. Go to meetups. Just don't be alone in your room with the internet.

I also started seeing a sex therapist last year. I learned that a lot of my porn addiction was tied to OCD because my porn use involved a lot of obsessive behaviors like downloading/collecting, organizing fap folders, etc. Also my perception of women and sexuality was warped because of the way my mother treated me as a kid. It's very freudian. It might not be the same for you but you might have some underlying issues at the root of your porn use. I would highly recommend finding a good therapist.

I still look at women with lust in my heart so I have a lot of work to do. The real solution to the porn problem is to marry and have a healthy sexual relationship. I pray one day God blesses you with a wife.

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09e241  No.836437

>>836435

>The real solution to the porn problem is to marry and have a healthy sexual relationship.

Not really a solution anymore since society wrecked it with the sexual revolution, divorce culture, hookup culture and endless hypergamy.

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536a27  No.836442

File: f87925835751bcd⋯.jpg (138.49 KB, 721x900, 721:900, f87925835751bcd9214108b9c1….jpg)

>>836421

You need what the world calls self-affirmation. You need to tell yourself daily that you have enough faith to meet these challenges, that God loves you even when you sin, etc.

Above all you must learn more gratitude. Ingratitude, pride and feelings of incompetence feed off one another. It may seem that these are very different things, but feeling incompetent will make you think and believe that God made you to suffer. Once you swallow that black-pill, a certain amount of anger towards God is easy to conceive, this is ingratitude. Ingratitude is tantamount to pride however when you decide that you can meet your objectives by "going it alone." This is very bad news; you're better off as a terrible sinner that wants to love God and yet thinks he cannot do so properly, than a secular person seeking not to sin for your own self-esteem. The devil would love it if you would turn away from God and master your bodily urges with wrath in the name of pride.

Above all you must want to end your attachment to porn for God, not for yourself. The results will be slower though, because God's way will have you learn about yourself along the way, the devil's way will keep you ignorant of yourself. Therefore you have to keep very clear in your mind that this isn't about self-improvement, this is about what God wants, and God doesn't reward earthly notions of morals or improvement, He rewards obedience.

Above all, thank the Lord each day, because He has granted you to live, therefore he still considers that you are righteous enough to live. You have not been rooted out of the land, you have not been uprooted and set fire to by the devouring angels. You may be an unfruitful tree thus far (although I'm sure you have done much more good) but God says that you may continue to encumber the ground, therefore He sees something within you that you do not. You are blessed more than you think.

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c60e7d  No.836466

File: eeec1eca5c17eb3⋯.jpg (96.63 KB, 1280x720, 16:9, 1589921170290.jpg)

OP again….

>>836435

Bless you anon, it sounds like

I have made similar plans and also had my doubts about them, feeling again I somehow didn't deserve to, and that I was better off just sitting right here rotting in my room as long as I didnt have any outside influences. I will definitely take your account into consideration, and wish you the best of luck.

>>836442

Thank you, it is precisely the kind of encouragement I need when I can't "see the forest through the trees" or "stare at the abyss" for so long as to toy dangerously with despair, filling in the blanks for what must surely be, i.e. I must surely be the most abhorrant, most villainous, most ungrateful, most wretched, etc. I don't know in what state I've left myself and how scarred I'll walk away from this life, but it shouldn't interfere with my ability to glorify and praise Him. It can be so hard to see, though… I've made it so hard.

>>836437

Maybe but we are not that interested in society, and if we are to accept any kind of hardship with dignity, let finding a good wife at least be among those challenges. If it is right. God's will be done

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c60e7d  No.836467

>>836435

Sounds like you've really done a lot for repentance, I meant to say

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536a27  No.836487

>>836466

>I must surely be the most abhorrant, most villainous, most ungrateful, most wretched, etc.

Lol, stop telling yourself such things. There are people who are a lot worse than you – I don't say this so that you will compare yourself with others, but so that you will be more realistic. Just keep in mind that you are a sinner, keep repenting for your offenses, but then let them go and don't think about them.

You have to remember that there are people who've done a lot worse. There are felons in this world who've done things that no person should be forced to think about, and they also are allowed to live. You can't think of sin as being so small that it begins and ends with trying to fulfill biology with dirty videos. Sin is idolatry, murder, theft, wife-beating, rape, torture, adultery, slave-trading, and every other wicked thing.

It is a pious folly to say that porn use is so sinful; it won't lead you further towards God if you start with crooked reasons. Bad reasons will lead you subtly away from obedience and towards self-improvement and self-esteem. Remember Abraham, who would have rather sinned than disobey God. True, God does not demand sin, but don't make the mistake of thinking that He could not. God is much more than sin; He is not a moral coach or umpire like a human judge on the bench. God is beyond such things, therefore you must start by wanting to serve Him out of love for Him. This is the way over which the Holy Spirit hovers.

You must ask yourself; what is it that you want God to do for you? And when you come up with an answer say it is to get porn out of your life then you must throw that answer away. Want only to love God because He is God, discard all else.

This may be confusing, but I have learned that it is right through many mistakes.

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b2d83d  No.836561

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

Perhaps you need to get a proper plan of spiritual exercises. Start small, smaller than you think would make any difference.

What helps me is disciplined routine, normalfags can drink, eat and sleep anything and anytime they want and continue functioning in the world. However if you have a history of isolation and depression, discipline is your greatest friend. Have proper time-schedules for prayer and fasting, also for work, study, and sleep. Socializing is also a necessity.

I believe there is not much to say to another, but there is much to do to oneself. Advice is not be heard, but to be done.

I think that it is rather the uncomfortable feeling that compels one to masturbation that is destroys, not the pleasurable orgasm. Learning to not mind this discomfort is a great spiritual task, the same goes for any craving.

Particularly, the Jesus prayer helps me. Learning how to do it properly might help you, as well. God bless.

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a6f222  No.842695

>>836421

Hey OP, recovering addict myself. I know of your pains for I used to delve in the same filth as you.

I am glad that this happened tho, because one day, one of those demonic videos said: "Click here if you want to stray from God". And for the life of me I couldn't click it besides being an atheist at the time. In my country we have a saying that is God writes straight, with curved lines. You already know God, and you believe in Him, isn't that great? Isn't it great that you can express your relationship to God? Isn't it great that you know that what you are doing to yourself is filthy?

God has brought you home, but you're still choosing to play in the mud. You must be the priest of your temple. Yes, these demons will come and you smash them with the hammer. You are in control if you let God puppet you. Let the Holy Spirit control you. Relinquish your control, your reasoning and your awesome logic, because at the end of the day we are pretty stupid. Even though you know you shouldn't do X you still do it. Just trust Jesus, and love him and Father with all the heart you got. Practise more gratitude for Jesus and Father. They want to help you but you are not letting them fully into your life.

We're all sinners. I haven't watched that kind of material in a long time, and when I relapse I try to be the most healthy about it. Don't smite yourself like you are it will only end in more pain. You are applying your flawed logic, drunk on emotion, to analyze more emotions, just to feel worse. It doesn't make sense. Just spend that time praying that you want the Holy Spirit to puppet you.

God and Jesus love you, but do not be a little b—-. All throughout the Bible we read the word of bravery, honesty and faith in Father and Jesus. Just ornament yourself as a noble lord, and wear that armour everyday. The demons will come. But the loving version of you, the one who trust fully on our Lord Jesus, will learn to quelch and kill these demons, until they go away. You have to cultivate purity of mind, it doesn't come out of nothing. Your mind is filthy, we all are. Be happy that you can be here, and that you know Father.

Life is about contrasts OP. Be glad that you know what heaven might look like, because you have been living hell. Claw your way out of there, in the name of Jesus our Lord, and love him. Be strong OP. Be loving. Be with Christ.

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31b4ba  No.842703

>>836487

OP again, I know I am not the worst, logically. In truth though, maybe there is something to it. My struggle with lust is extremely pathetic, I give in for no reason at all. Everyone struggles with lustful thoughts; but not everyone this existentially I suppose. It's the nature and extremeness of my sins that weigh so heavily on me. Not heavily enough to do anything about it though, apparently. Of course, I know what I've to do. But I reason from there, I still loathe it all from that perspective of knowing what to do. Like, there's NO way whatsoever a human can live with this. I know everyone struggles with lust, but I find myself, forgive me, looking for people and figures who share my deviations to hold on to some hope that at least someone with as winnie the pooh'd a brain as I gave myself can at least function normally. I'm sorry, brother, I sound desperate, but…. nothing, I just am, none of this should have been

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a921ee  No.842725

>>836421

Listen man, you've got to accept that you're an addict and that you need help. Go see a specialist, he can prescribe drugs that help. This is a serious issue, so don't take it lightly. Then you need to give yourself a huge slap in the face and stop watching porn. Break your hecking screen if you have to. You say that you've been struggling for a long time, but what have you tried exactly? Have you changed anything in your life, your habits, to try to improve your situation? Because if you haven't you deserve everything you get. You don't stop watching porn by just doing everything else just as usual. Your whole life must be reevaluated. It's not about willpower. I'm sorry, but if you're this much of a porn addict it doesn't mean that you've been given bad cards, it just means that you're a piece of sh*t. I know this because I've been there. I managed to stop watching porn only when I stopped being a piece of sh*t. Before that, it's not possible. Anons are gonna seethe reading this but idgaf. You can pray all you want, God won't help you if you don't help yourself. You don't even have to do anything crazy. Go to the gym with max discipline, do whatever you have to to meet new people, make new friends, change your job, take up new hobbies, read more. These are not difficult things to do. If you haven't done a couple of these you're not even trying.

You can do it man.

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171479  No.842728

Just get off the Internet lmao.

Although this anon >>842725 writes like an idiot, he gives good advice, other than seeing a shrink and taking (((drugs))).

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