Despairing

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Despairing † 05/21/20 (Thu) 17:28:34 949824 No.834531

I apologize in advance if this thread is essentially a blogpost. Just needed somewhere to vent.

Today, I finally hit the breaking point with two of my closest friends. I have a very powerful, toxic core belief, and I've been unable and/or unsuccessful in rooting it out. Because of this belief, I feel the obligation to perpetuity cause suffering onto myself for past mistakes, and for any future ones that may come up. After over a year of trying, I gave them both a heartfelt message that because of my issues, I would need to isolate myself to avoid harming them further. One seems to have acknowledged this, saying they'll pray for me, and the other has yet to respond, but I'm sure they'll follow suit.

Losing those two has left me with pretty much no one. I don't have any job, no schooling, no IRL friends, and so I've turned my existence into a hermitage. Frankly, I don't mind being alone, but knowing that all I'm able to do is self-sabatoge gives me a powerful urge to kill myself. I'm just too tired of living a life that's miserable, and it's a product of my own behavior. God's probably tried to help, but my ears can't hear Him, nor do I eyes perceive Him. I'm doomed and don't understand why God hasn't gifted me with death yet to end the punishment that is my life.

____________________________

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Ex brother 05/21/20 (Thu) 17:50:09 b7a2a3 No.834533

Although I don’t full understand what you mean by perpetuity a lot of what you say is similar to what my condition was about ten years ago. Without clogging up this forum with copy pastes I urge you to read the ‘suicide’ forum and whatever forum you feel like Gods steering you to. I also lost all my friends and isolated myself about ten years ago. Lost my job, and church. Had a very deep depression and despair. It was much later I realized God had afflicted me in order to get me away from all the toxic people in my life. My toxicity was just in reaction to theirs and I fully believed at the time that I was the toxic one. I’m confident that your not abandoned by God. He just needed to get you away from the toxics, in order to speak to you in silence. Nothing is wrong in having a hermit life. I was aiming for that at the time, then as I figured things out and real friends fell into my life without my own efforts. Friends that can just show up at my door and I’m not annoyed that they didn’t call first. In fact I get filled with joy when they just show up. God will get you through this. It’s all part of what he’s up to.

See also ‘Jesus dream’, and the no fap thread without a title, it has a picture of Mary, a few forums down. I don’t know how much of it will apply to you but the advice I’ve been giving to people seems to be connected to each other.

You may absolutely rebuke me if you wish.

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† 05/21/20 (Thu) 17:52:00 047087 No.834536

File: 2ba1dc07f848e80⋯.jpg (79.29 KB, 756x960, 63:80, signal_2019_08_31_093611.jpg)

>>834531

>I have a very powerful, toxic core belief, and I've been unable and/or unsuccessful in rooting it out

I'm not sure how we can sympathize

Are you a fag or something?

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† 05/21/20 (Thu) 18:03:14 949824 No.834537

>>834533

>I realized God had afflicted me in order to get me away from all the toxic people in my life.

The thing here is these guys weren't toxic. They were actively trying to help me and I pushed them away because I would do nothing to argue like a brick wall. I couldn't stand knowing that I was likely causing intense frustration, so I cut them off.

>>834536

No. The "toxic core belief" I was referring to is that I am worthless and deserve nothing but suffering.

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† 05/21/20 (Thu) 18:29:11 047087 No.834540

>>834537

You might really just have a mental disorder and need counseling man

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† 05/21/20 (Thu) 18:36:10 949824 No.834543

>>834540

Even if it is a mental disorder. I don't have the ability to get any sort of treatment. That requires money that I simply don't have.

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† 05/21/20 (Thu) 18:44:15 047087 No.834545

>>834543

What about your pastor

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† 05/22/20 (Fri) 01:15:32 6537c2 No.834649

Grab a Bible, pour out your heart to God, worship Him, and spend five minutes every day being silent for Him. Tell him that you are dedicating that time to him. I don't know how long it will take, but you will hear something.

I used to go through that "I'm not good enough" phase, but I got past it with the above. I have an amazing relationship with God which is quite unique. I see him everywhere. Anyways, do this and you'll see amazing things. Trust me, by Jesus' effort, you're worthy of him and he has you here for a reason.

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† 05/22/20 (Fri) 06:28:26 949824 No.834694

>>834545

I can't talk to him about this stuff. I like him a lot and don't want to get him involved in the mess that is my psychology.

>>834649

I've tried that in the past, but never actually stuck with it because I always get bored and lose interest. My brain needs new information to work with and reading the Bible is starting to get limited for me, and being silent doesn't give me anything to work with. It's an excruciating effort.

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† 05/22/20 (Fri) 13:01:48 6537c2 No.834707

>>834694

Ask God to reveal himself in the word. I was there too.

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