/mental/ -(part 1) Hello, I have 24/7 thoughts and urges to kill people i find privileged

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(part 1) Hello, I have 24/7 thoughts and urges to kill people i find privileged Anonymood 05/04/26 (Mon) 22:25:40 No.16249

(by privileged i mean Couples, large friend groups, higher middle class and above, Nepo Babies, evil CEOs, corrupt politicians, things of that sort) constant thoughts about it and urges I've never acted on

I am 18 years old, I will not say my gender due the risk I could be identified I'm simply saying my age in case you have any advice about attending therapy and etc. since I lack funds and do not live in a household where mental health is seen as a serious thing, no they are not abusive but just numb to these sorts of problems I still love my parents they are the reason why I hold back on my urges. I had extreme suicidal ideation due to social exclusion since kindergarten, which only came to light to somebody else once I was 12, basically early years of brewing loneliness and confusion in my body till I was mentally able to articulate it to a social worker which she reported to my parents and caused conflict and the "therapist" my mother took me to instead of the recommendation to a professional was a fucking pastor (yes the church kind) which is how I know that fact, anyway. I was never out right bullied possibly due to my genetics in height / more mass, and the fact I could fight back possibly, the subtleness of it just made me feel confused I wanted to know why even if it meant it would still continue I wanted an answer and I still want one

Now in late Secondary School (current) I cant say much changed besides the fact I've became a bit more social which feels very forced, I plan out what I'm going to do and say to a person / group over and over in my head before I go up to them, I taught myself eye contact and how to cope with it so I could adapt to the social skills needed to get a job and fit in a little more, I am still socially delayed despite my age in late teens for my entire life to maybe forever I have never been on a non familial "sleepover", never held hands, been on a romantic date, I've only had online love experiences which are not very successful & major conflicts in, never been on a friends day out, never invited to a birthday, was never given cards even when the entire/half the class got them, never invited to anything major by anybody of my age/peers. I don't know why I have this curse ever since school-age that nobody outside of blood would love me, I'm not saying my family doesn't matter but there's a biological expectation to love you, or to simply care for you. I want to be loved and cared about because the other person simply wants to love me and care for me (mutual), I'm a huge romantically motivated person. Ever since I hit some sort of puberty I would day-dream and imagine romantic settings, I am not a highly sex motivated person but I don't mind having it in the future with a committed person I dislike the concept of casual sex, so.. No, this isn't about the idea the world owes me sex or whatever freakish thought. I have been working on improving my appearance which actually has worked a bit, people tolerate me a little more longer now that I am skinnier and have my hair done , mainly by losing tons of weight at 14 and currently trying to maintain and look well, once I believed the reason people treated me as if I didn't exist was due to being overweight or ugly but as I looked at the people around me I noticed that those who were obese, and hard on the eyes had connections, they had marriages, relationships, anything of the sort honestly. That made me spiral, I simply believe it may be uncontrollable cues I showcase without knowing, I suspect autism or some other sort of issue that came from never properly getting a social experience in my formative years but I truly do not want to be diagnosed to the risk of legal discrimination and I'm a high functioning person so it is really needed?, Why do I deserve to be hated for something that isn't my choice yet they fawn to lie to their fat friends and evil friends about how they look when you can change your weight and the way you treat others I cannot change my brain its the genetics I was born with yet I still try more than these people, I carry insane loads on the back the moment I wake up, the demons I've had in my head since a young age yet I still try and I help those who suffer more than me or those who suffer at all via charity, simple acts and helping people with their homework yet nobody loves me and nobody wants to love me over those evil and disgusting people I thought people hated negativity

- Written with love by an anonymous person (not what i fully had to say i will post another portion)

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Anonymood 05/04/26 (Mon) 22:27:50 No.16250

File: 21038e02ab8d5ed⋯.png (745.69 KB,917x669,917:669,fat_robin.png)

(part 2) About The Urges

After all my bad experience in life interpersonally I've noticed a pattern of who usually antagonizes me or causes me extreme distress or just people who are the most cruel: They usually had tons of friends, never had to financially struggle, are conventionally attractive and obviously neurotypical (usually)

Why does that matter? from seeing these patterns I've came to a hypothesis that when a human being has never experienced struggle out of just birth lottery and nothing else they'll be able to understand the suffering of those lower than them, that they lack emotional plasticity, honestly having a convo with one of these people who've never had to suffer to any sort of man-made system or birth defect (physical & mentally) is a unearthly experience the levels of naïve and privilege's which enrages me. I grew up thinking humans naturally avoided evil people or those who were "asshats" I see it as the opposite now humans are naturally resource seeking creatures unless it is taught to them not to be and due to the nature of the society we've made over centuries it comes down to this

Why does it involve me? Because most of the time these are the people who are the most influential to cause social changes around them due to the halo effect + human bias, they encourage a cycle of suffering, these are usually the people who do not want to change society or change any social system that would mean they have to come out of their comfort zones and acknowledge people who are different, born or different in some optional captivity are human beings as well. I don't believe I'm obligated to love or friendship but society and my peers bar me from even getting a chance to try, maybe I was born with a curse which could have been eased if we simply made the world fair and more culturally understanding but that doesn't line the pockets of the wealthy nor does it make the top 10% in according to their spaces feel as powerful, everyone cries about an exploitative evil world till its time to take them off their pedestal, I hate the weakness of the majority and I want them to suffer so maybe their eyes could be opened maybe so they could experience major loss and feel as powerless as a homeless person on skid row, or the social pain the average one person born autistic (or some sort of mental issue etc.) and with a ugly birth mark on their face experiences. Nobody wants to be the lonely loser virgin and yet nobody wants to interact with that person and as they spiral down that path its their "fault" when all you had to do was do group work with them or just maybe not record them in public and post it on the internet you psychopathic fuck. Don't get me started on the horridness of rich people and ruthless business people that would take up the entire length of this post,

Do you guys have any recommendations for my feelings? I truly do feel disgusting due the fact I have a strong moral compass that doesn't give me mercy but I feel the pressure of these thoughts growing everyday

Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.