/mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders

My ex just posted the video of me trying to overdose the I sent him like on multiple platforms like on YouTube and also like another thing that I forget the name of. I don't know why I sent him that. I think I was just really angry and I wasn't really thinking straight but I really feel bad about it. It shows the whole process and my face is in it and everything. He knows all my information. I am screwed. He knows my address like I'm basically done with living. He says he's going to tell shit to my college about me but yeah. I don't know what I sent him that video I think I've been in a mental episode like the past week because like I've only known him for a week and I thought I loved him really fast and I don't think I actually did I think I was just having a mental episode this whole time including the shit I've been saying and the fact that I recorded myself doing that and sent it to him I don't even know why I did that and that's really horrible and I feel bad but I think I kind of deserve being posted on the internet for that because I shouldn't have said that to him I should have just done it and never told him. I should have stopped chasing after him after he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. I should have stopped begging for his love. I should have just left. I think I'm going to end up alone because of this but I think I deserve it. I think I'm just going to end up dead or in a mental hospital by the end of 2026. I don't know why I've always been so impulsive and do shit and say shit I don't really enjoy doing or only enjoy for a short period of time. Maybe they were right. Maybe I did deserve to like actually die and I should have done it right. I don't know what to do right now because that was posted publicly and I feel really horrible for making him angry and uncomfortable to the point that he would do this. I should have not disrespected his boundaries. I should have not begged for his love. And I especially should not have sent that video and it's going to affect my life now but yeah and maybe I deserve that, I think I do. It's selfish of me to want to be happy right now. Maybe I can like change my name legally and change my hair and lose weight and get piercings and just try to be different but this guilt will always be with me. I just picked a random non-related file for this because I don't even know what I can do right now I don't even know what I can do and I just feel so fucking bad right now for doing this to him and also kind of to myself but that's selfish. I just really really bad about sending him that and I don't care if he hates me I don't care I just I just feel really bad I just feel really bad that he did this because that means that I pushed him I pushed him to the point that he hated me that he felt so uncomfortable around me that he did this. This is the same person as the "my bf left me and I want to kms" post and I'm literally freaking out rn I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. He called me so I joined it and I kept apologizing cuz I don't I don't like the fact I sent him that video and I don't know why I did because I don't want to make him uncomfortable or traumatize him and he just kept laughing and laughing and laughing and talking to me about the comments and how horrible I am and honestly I don't even care because he's okay and he's not sad and he's not traumatized and I don't care about my own future in comparison to him and that's crazy. I don't even know what to do. I'm not getting into college he said he's going to tell my college and I don't even care much, because it's selfish of me to care. I really liked their theater arts program but I don't need it. I don't care if my family hates me or the internet hates me I just care if he's okay and it seems like he is but I don't know. He's seen much worse shit than this He looks at gore all the time. I just hope I didn't make him feel too bad. My life might be ruined now. I haven't even been thinking at all the past 8 days I've just been doing shit and I have been clearly in a mental episode and I don't know what's going on. There's a large chance I'm not getting a job for a long time. Or going to college. I just hope my family never finds out and I hope he's okay Even if he did that I still care about him and I feel really bad about sending him that I should have just done it and hoped I died and never send it.