/mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders

THE SECOND PART OF MY DEPRESSION (SO FAR)After my sister's party I went home and I cried for about 20 minutes listening to Lil Peep thinking about the girl that I told I loved her and that she doesn't love me. My heart ached for 2 weeks straight and I cried myself to sleep for 3 weeks straight, I started to think about the rope and that there was nothing else to live for because she was the only person that I really cared for. At the start of year 11 I tried to hide my emotions from her and tried to show her that I wasn't depressed. Since December 2018 I've started to try and not think about her and that I keep telling myself "Oh, here we go again" everytime that I think about her but it just isn't enough and I feel a growing hatred towards her even to this day. In January, 2 people in my year spread a rumour saying that I wanted to become a school shooter because I want to work for the Law Enforcement, which doesn't make any sense in my eyes because I've never committed a crime before and I'd never become a school shooter. The girl that I opened up to messaged me on Instagram first (starting a conversation), in the past she had only messaged me once but that was because she needed something and wanted something from me. I thought that it was strange but I went on with it and she ONLY messaged me to indirectly call me a school shooter, she messaged me "have you heard about the school shooting rumours?", she literally went from "Hey" to that. My heart sank and out of all the people to believe the rumour I thought that it wouldn't be her but I guess that I was wrong. I said "Yes, I've heard about he rumours and I don't want to become a school shooter". She said "Oh, that's good to hear", I said "I just thought that maybe you would've wanted a nice conversation for a change". She sent messaged but I ignored them because I was so upset with what she had asked me. I kept deleting and reinstalling Instagram because I wasn't sure what to do over the next few weeks but a few days later the 2 Police officers came to my house and asked me "Do you have a gun, Do you want to kill people and do you want to kill yourself?" I said that I don't have a gun, I don't want to kill people but I do want to kill myself. About 3 weeks later I unblocked the girl on Instagram and found out that she was dating a guy and I cried myself to sleep again. I just really don't know what to do with myself. So I tried harder to forget about her but in one of my science lessons I told one of my friends everything and we talked about it for about half to the lesson. About 2 weeks ago the girl tried to talk to me in class but I ignored her and when I was walking out of class she tried to talk to me again but I ignored her again. A week after that (1 week ago) I told my friend that I was trying to ignore her and he said that he had noticed it and if she had ever tried to talk to me then he'd say "He doesn't want to talk right now". Yesterday I had a supply teacher in Internet Technology and as per usual no-one I think did the work that they were supposed to do, so I decided to plan what I want to to do if I don't end up killing myself, but on my computer I put "What I plan to do in future if I don't end up …". I put my headphones on full volume and the girl noticed what I was writing about on the computer but I think that she tried to talk to me because my friend turned around and said something. A few minutes later the girl came up to me and tapped my should and asked me "What do the dots mean?", I told her "don't worry" and then she stood there for a few more seconds. I've been taking antidepressants for a few months now and I don't know what to do with myself anymore so please help me.