No.3445 [Last50 Posts]
ITT: Messages from Brendan's voicemail
____________________________
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No.3446
*BEEEP*
>Hey Brendan, it's your buddy Mitch from Fidelity. Listen, I wanted to discuss some trades made in your brokerage account. I know we talked earlier about high-risk, high-reward investments to make money this month… and I know you're authorized for options and trading on margin, but that's a looot calls to buy for RGS to hit $18 in April.
>Don't get me wrong. RGS is stable, and that's good, but even selling those August puts at $15 to offset means you could be out some serious money here if it doesn't break above $18 within the next couple weeks. Anyway, give me a call back and we can talk about it.
>Oh and before I go, I saw an ad for your new Texas Rising thing on History. Can't wait till it comes out! I'm sure it's a huge part. Hopefully you can throw some of the money from it into the market. Ha ha!
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No.3560
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEEP*
>Hey Brendan, it's Afton. I need my $50,000 for the month by the 15th. You can just send the check to Chad's house. I will be there.
>Oh, and also, I wanted to remind you that you need to pick up my dry cleaning at noon today and drop it off at Chad's. And do you think you can pick up his kids from school today? They need to be picked up at 3:00
>Thanks and see you then
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No.3563
>>3445
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Hey Brendan, it's Tom, your agent
>I know we haven't spoke in a bit but I haven't forgot about you. I was unfortunately unable to get you a part in any of the movies you were interested. All 43 of them would either not take my call or did not call me back about you.
>There is a part I did you though. Well, sort of. It is not a movie though. It is for a commercial for Mcdonald's. You will have to dress up like the Hamburgler (I was unable to get you the part as Ronald Mcdonald) and dance around when it comes time.
>Please call me back after you drop the check off to Chad's house and pick up Afton's dry cleaning to confirm that you will be doing the part
>thanks, bye
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No.3570
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No.3576
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Hey Brendan, it's Mitch from Fidelity. As your advisor I wanted to give you a heads up about a certain… situation.
>So you remember how the financial crisis was caused by a bunch of mortgage payments getting bundled together, then sold and multiplied and traded? And how things went belly up when people stopped paying off their houses? Well, funny thing, looks like in our current environment of low rates, people are doing that again with pretty much any stream of money and…that includes your alimony payment.
>I know, hilarious, right?
>Now it's nothing to be worried about. No bailouts are gonna happen if your ACDS's start defaulting, just thought I'd keep you in the loop.
>One more reason to keep making those payments, tiger! Ha ha.
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No.3577
>>3570
>>3570
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Good afternoon, Brendan. This is Sheila calling from Banyon Bay apartments
>Unfortunately, due to your recent change in income I was unable to get you that 1 bedroom you were interested in. I did however refer you to a complex on the outskirts of town that you will be able to afford
>though I am flattered that you asked me out, I am looking for someone who can be emotionally independent and to be honest you seemed really depressed and became clingy very quickly.
>also, I don't think you know me enough to say you are in love with me. You don't know me, Brendan. We only met the one time and I was just doing my job. I will have the referral ready for you at the complex tomorrow. Goodbye
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No.3580
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Yes, hello, Mr. Fraser?
>this is Officer Wilson from down at the police station. I am calling about someone matching your description sobbing loudly and throwing rocks at old couples in a public park.
>if you could come down to the station we can sort this whole thing out
>thanks and have a nice day, sir.
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No.3585
>>3577
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Good morning, Mr. Fraser. It's Dan, calling from Pine Barrens Apartments. Sheila faxed over your info.
>We are going to approve you but on the condition that you turn on the water and power first, It says here in the paperwork that your current apartment has had no water or power for the last 7 months so you will need to make good on the power company with those payments first.
>I am thinking we can set you up to come in on Tuesday after your motivational speaking seminar you said you had wanted to go to.
>I hope you find what it is you are seeking. Thanks and I will see you then
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No.3586
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Hello, Brendan. It is Dr. Reston, your therapist.
>I am calling because you have missed your last 3 sessions with no call to confirm that you were missing them. I
>I am especially concerned because after the second one I stopped by your apartment on the way home from work and knocked on the door. I know you were home because I could hear you crying and watching The Notebook.
>Oh, and I wanted to tell you to be careful because I had my car stolen while leaving your neighborhood so watch out for any shady characters walking around. Apparently it is so frequent in that area that the police were unable to narrow it down and catch him.
>Please call me to check in because I am concerned about you and you have another appointment this Wednesday after you take Afton shopping and to get her hair and nails done
>Hope you are doing okay. Bye now.
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No.3587
>>3570
I am all the ones linked below. We need more anons to post some. I am running out of ideas. JUST post some anon
>>3560
>>3563
>>3577
>>3580
>>3585
>>3586
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No.3588
>>3445
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Hello, Mr. Fraser. This is Catelyn from the public library.
>I was calling to let you know the following books are overdue: 101 Ways to Get Over Her, How to Fight Depression, A Guide to Bankruptcy, and Dear John.
>I know you said you could not afford to purchase year books or return them late, so if you would like to renew them please come down to the library.
>Thanks and have a good day
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No.3589
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Hey Brendan, Mitch from Fidelity again. So those April calls didn't exactly pay out, but, hey, as long as RGS doesn't dump below 15 in August, you're still in the game!
>Anyway I wanted to keep you in the loop with another tidbit I heard recently. Turns out your ex-wife did some complex hedging in the ACDS market. Quite brilliant really. Bottom line is she leveraged it so every time you pay, she gets waaaay more.
>We're talking mid six figures because you made your payment last month.
>But get this, if you miss any of your future payments, she's looking to make a boatload on your default. At least ten times that. Easy.
>Kinda damned if you do, damned if you don't. Ha ha.
>Oh and I almost forgot. Since your child support is also a regular stream of money, that's getting roped in with the whole alimony CDS market. Again, nothing to worry about, but, man, that market is booming.
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No.3592
>>3445
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Brendan, it's Sheila from Banyon Bay again. Listen, you are a nice guy but I am not interested in a relationship with you. I thought that was clear after you left me the first 11 messages with no response.
>And showing up at my work with flowers is just inappropriate. We barely know each other and Like I said, you are not in love with me even though you proclaimed it loudly in all 11 messages.
>I'm not sure how you got my address but please do not show up at my house drunk in the middle of the night again or I will have to file a restraining order. We only met 2 times for god's sake and I was only doing my job.
>Please sop all of this so we do not have to get the police involved. OK, bye.
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No.3594
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Mr. Fraser, this is John from Netflix. Please stop sending unsolicited mail to our offices regarding the unsold pilot for "The Fam Fite". It didn't work then and it doesn't work now.
>The most we can do is see if we can find a bit character role for you in one of our Original series. I think we're still looking for a sad homeless man in the next season of House of Cards. We'll send the details to your agent, but stop contacting us.
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No.3598
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Mr. Fraser this is Joe from maintenance, we've received reports about a sound of "constant bitchy crying" followed by yells of "JUST" and what seems to be a recording of Shia Labeuof coming from your apartment
>I'd like to remind you that the complex has rules against disturbing the peace and you will be evicted if this continues
>You have one day to stop or your ass is gone
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No.3602
*BEEEEEP*
>Ayyyy if it isn't my boy Bren Bren, how ya doin. Aye, listen, it's your lawyer, Saul Goodman. I got your fax and your case is very enticing. Listen, Brendan, I'm here to un-fuck your shit! Though I don't think we can make your wife pay alimony to you, we can make her a check here, a wire transfer there, minor stuff. We tell the court that she hasn't been too good to ya, some abuse, maybe she didn't let you see the kids. I've talked to her boyfriend, nice guy. Whadya say we uh… set em up. A ruffle and tuffle there and you get a compensation check in no time! Call me back Actor Boy! Better call Saul!
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No.3623
>>3602
*BEEEEP*
>Eyyyy Brendy Boy it's your best friend, Saul Goodman, again. I hate to break it to ya, kid, but you can't sue Gino DiGianantonio. The guy doesn't even know who you are. I really wanna help ya, Brendan, I really wanna unfuck your shit. But wanting ain't enough, kid, you gotta gimme something to work with. Something like a check for $4750, though I'd prefer money transfer. Aight, talk to ya later Actor Boy
*click*
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No.3625
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Hey Brendan, Mitch from Fidelity. Saw you in Texas Rising the other night. Man, you killed it! Can't wait for your part to pick up and you to get some real screen time. I'm sure the ratings will go through the roof!
>Anyway I don't know how closely you follow the market for movie and TV studio stocks, but you are causing some serious turmoil, my man!
>Turns out so many people are tied up in the market for your alimony, they're now trying to control how much work you get. Hostile takeovers, activist investors firing and rehiring dozens of casting directors, the whole nine yards.
>Now bad news is it looks like the side that profits off you defaulting on those payments is getting the upper hand, so I'd plan for roles to get a little scarce in the future.
>Oh and you should probably know your ACDS's are going international. Lots of shady Chinese buyers, lots of dirty money betting on you making those payments.
>I probably don't need to tell you the Triads aren't big fans of losing money, but hey, as long as you keep coming up with that fifty grand a month, you should be fine.
>Might even get to keep all your fingers!
>Anyway, let's hope RGS keeps holding above 15 till August. The stock should be good unless, I dunno, Supercuts starts giving out crappy haircuts. Ha ha!
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No.3638
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No.3642
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>HEY MISTER HOLLYWOOD, YOU STILL TOO BUSY TO SEE YOUR BROTHER?! I KNOW AFTON LEFT YOUR ASS, IT'S KARMA FOR ALL THESE YEARS YOU'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME. WHEN YOUR ASS GETS EVICTED FROM PINE BARRENS, COME SEE ME DOWN AT SKID ROW. JERK.
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No.3646
>>3623
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Brendan, Brendan, please pick up. I don't know what you've done but a bunch of goons just stormed my office asking for you! I don't have time to wait for another letter from you so please call me back, ok? Just tell me, did you actually do it? Did you go through with it? You know, the Gino thing? The Gino thing I told you NOT to do? I gotta replace my goddamn door because of you, I will charge you for this! Call me!
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No.3661
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Good afternoon, Mr Fraser this is Dr. Parker from the veterinarian's office.
>I have some unfortunate news about your dog. I know it was supposed to be a routine operation but there was a freak accident and he will have to be put to sleep.
>You need to get down to my office right now to say goodbye to him. I know you said this dog is all you have left so I think it will be important for you to say bye to him.
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No.3662
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No.3672
>>3445
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEEP*
>Hello, Mr. Fraser. This is Gary, from MasterCard. I am calling on behalf of some unusual purchases being made on your credit card last week
>I noticed that there were charges to the supermarket for over 200 dollars worth of ice cream, 500 dollars worth of red wine and 4 body sized pillows.
>I am calling because I think that a pregnant woman may have gotten a hold of your card as these are unusual purchases for a male to make. Please call me back when you get this so we can straighten this out.
>Have a nice day
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No.3673
Maybe we could do a spinoff thread where Brendan is responding to the messages or gets on the phone with the people calling?
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No.3674
>>3673
Go for it, fam.
You could also write it here as:
*BEEEEP*
>Person starts leaving message
*CLICK*
>Having picked up, Brendan starts talking
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No.3675
>>3674
Maybe tomorrow or in a little bit. I am busy doing some shops of syriachan on /b/
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No.3750
>>3587
Just found this board and thread, and, as fucked up as it is to have to admit, it's always nice, no matter how fucked up your life has been, to hear about someone more fucked up than you.
I was depressed earlier this morning, but now I am LAFFIN. This shit is hilarious, and I could totally see these happening to this poor bastard.
If you're on here, sorry Brendan, but thanks for the keks.
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No.3751
>>3750
Glad you enjoyed them anon. I had fun posting them and reading the others that were posted. 10/10 thread. I still want to do a spin off with Brendan leaving messages I have JUST been lazy
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No.3755
>>3587
>>3587
>>3587
canadian? this is the Telus voicemail word for word. how do you even get it so correctly? I call people all day as a job and hear it regularly, but could not recite it like that
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No.3763
>>3755
No. It is the same in America. I used to do and sell drugs for like 7 years so I have had to deal with the voicemail far more than I would have liked to and have ha it memorized for years. I could probably impersonate it pretty well I have heard it so much
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No.3779
Sound like a fag actually but maybe someone else can do a better one
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0Picyca0kI6
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No.3832
>this thread
JUST FUCK MY SIDES UP
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No.4343
bump due to hotwheels fucking up the site
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No.4770
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Hey Brendan, Mitch. I'm a little confused by the rambling voicemail you left me. Officially your negative net worth means our client-adviser relationship is terminated.
>In fact, I'm pretty sure Fidelity has some debt collectors coming after you following your little RGS stunts.
>And even if we didn't, I'm now advising your ex-wife Afton. Turns out she's one of our Platinum Elite Ultra-High Net Worth clients and requested me specifically. So there's an obvious conflict of interest.
>Therefore I say this only as your frie- acquaintance who doesn't want to see you dig yourself even deeper into a hole.
>I don't know what brokerage even let you open an account, much less one with "your last few dollars on earth". But do NOT invest in Just Capital.
>It's a scam for millionaires and would only fuck your shit up even more.
>Now, that said, don't call this number again. Or I will have to contact the authorities.
(http://www.nytimes.com/2015/12/21/business/a-plan-to-rank-just-companies-aims-to-close-the-wealth-gap.html)
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No.5059
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No.6810
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No.6819
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No.6823
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Hey Brendan, it's Steve, your favourite barkeeper.
>Listen… I'm nice enough to let your tab last for a few months cause I know you're coming atleast a few times a week, but you're far behind on your payments.
>I don't even know how you've amassed such a debt when you only order the cheapest beers. My wife says I shouldn't keep serving you when you've had enough but I need to make a living don't I?
>Anyways… you owe me four thousand nine hundred seventy three dollars and fifty cents, think you can pay that back tomorrow so I won't have to call a debt collector?
>It's not much anyway, only a tenth of your alimony payment. Ha ha.
>See you tomorrow, or I'll get someone to see you.
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No.6829
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No.6884
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No.6913
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: "Theeee One and Only Brendan Fra-" is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Hiya Brendan! It's Jeb Bush calling again. You must still be out running errands. I tried calling all of the grocery stores, restaurants, and gas stations that I know you like to go to, but none of the employees there said they had seen you today. Must have just missed you!
>Anyway, do you think we could get together for another motivational talk over coffee? Last time when you were telling me your incredible life's story and started to break down into tears I was just so moved by your story. I felt so alive and refreshed. I want to…I NEED to hear that kind of honesty every day for the rest of my life, Brendan!!!
>I can get you autographs from my older brother - old baseball caps of his, underwear, naked photos of Laura - anything you want!! If you come over I'll let you play with my favorite model train and we you can have all the guacamole you can eat!!! Please call back as soon as you get this message!
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No.7003
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No.7207
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No.11039
>>7207
This thread is JUST too good.
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No.11289
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No.11718
 | Rolled 64, 7, 3, 66, 70 = 210 (5d100) |
I'm in love with this thread
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No.11730
>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: "Theeee One and Only Brendan Fra-" is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.
*BEEEP*
>Hi Brendan this is Pajeet. I call to tell you the Bollywood role was taken by Tom Cruise instead.
>We offered it to him before but he was filming Mummy and couldn't take. So we give role to you.
>Now Tom called back and said he wants role.
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No.12877
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No.12929
>>3750
c'mon anon Brendan is going through some tough times, you can't JUST make fun of him m8.
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No.15216
| Rolled 33, 19, 6, 56, 25 = 139 (5d100) |
>>3576
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No.16530
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No.16531
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No.16996
PURE
GOLD
This is why I keep coming back to this shithole. OP was not a faggot today.
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No.17001
>>3598
>reports about a sound of "constant bitchy crying" followed by yells of "JUST"
FUCK
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