>>826886
From what I can gleam from the post OP, you seem to believe that because God wants you to be absolutely obedient to him and because loving God above all would mean never walking away from a possible sacrifice you could make for him, you now feel that it is wrong for you to have a family.
Have you really understood what you're saying, OP? Jesus said to his disciples that they should go to make disciples of all nations. If what you say is true and all people should abandon having a family for the sake of God then what Christ requests is the death of all nations. Do you really think God would desire the death of nations rather than living, practising Christian nations? Does God desire that his people don't propagate themself?
The very first command God gave to Adam was to "go forth and multiply" and Adam, before the Fall, was perfect and thus, perfectly obedient, loving God above all. Yet he also loved Eve, just not as much as God. Was Adam already imperfect, then?
Consider the following from 1 Corinthians 7:
>Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.
>But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
Paul could've given advice on how to become someone capable of living a consecrated life in the future but instead, Paul focuses on the here and now, on that there are those who are capable of such a life right now and that there are those who are not. Your mentality of resenting yourself for your earthly desires implies that, in your mind, you could be an ascetic monk if you wanted to, you just don't love God enough to do so. The reality is you're resenting yourself for not doing something you're incapable of. Or at least, something you're incapable of right now. I don't wish it on you but if you were to have a spouse, if all your children were to attain adulthood and then your spouse were to perish, as an aged widower, your loins should have settled down by then and so perhaps you could reconsider something like monasticism.
Heck, while some people are certain that they're called, I think a lot of people kind of spend time sitting on the fence about it before coming to a decision. I think monasteries allow people to give the monastic life a free trial to see how they feel about it. You could look one up and see what it's like.
It takes humility to accept that you may be called to relinquish your personal desires, that's true, but I think it also takes humility to accept that this is not your calling.
I think the issue may be that you see within yourself that you want to have a family for selfish reasons rather than for the sake of God and this is why you think it's wrong to want the things you want. The reality is, even if you abandoned your selfish desires in favour of how best to serve God, you'd most likely find that the best way to serve is precisely to pursue the things you deemed selfish. As I said though, the object of desire was never the issue, it was the intent. Your intent was to satisfy yourself originally whereas now it's to serve God.
Does serving God by having a family mean not trying so hard to be holy? While you yourself may glorify God less, you also propagate the faith to the next generation and beyond. You keep your nation Christian. That's a good thing. These are my thoughts.