So I know this is pretty standard around places like this, but I'm not sure I should post it anywhere else. I think I might have figured out some sort of… I don't really know. Something. It's pretty hard to explain, because I don't think I would have gotten it until I figured it out, even if someone explained it to me.
The best way I can describe it are the side-effects.
My intuition is off the charts. It doesn't really get to me anymore, because I'm not surprised by anything. I can figure out basically exactly how things will go, almost to the point that I started thinking I was schizophrenic, because no human should be this accurate. I HAD to be delusional, but I've taken tests, I've talked to people.
My reflexes are pretty impressive. I don't really think about reacting to anything at all, it just sort of happens. I can consciously enter a state of thoughtless action, but I don't really have to any more. I always catch myself, I always react and catch the thing that fell over, I always dodge or move out of the way instinctively ALL the time. I know that sounds lame, but you don't understand or perhaps I am at a loss of another way to describe it without trying to say I have some sort of super power…
But that was the first couple of things that changed in me. After a while it was traffic lights, and I started browsing paranormal websites and imageboards because I couldn't convince myself that it was JUST luck and natural intuition. I started to deny anything extra or special, but it just got worse. I started feeling the world around me, like an invisible, non-corporeal resonation in my nervous system that lets me reach out and feel the state of the localized region of spacetime around me… and for a long time it was overwhelming. In this "network" or more like "bowl of cereal" we call our physical space I can feel what might be lost or stray spirits wandering around, trying to get my attention or something. Fluctuations in energy fields, that started with "feeling" the TV turn off and on, hearing the frequencies emitted by the device. This led to being able to tell when a change/influence stoplights, streetlights (very hard to influence these things directly).
I can tell how the day is going to go. I can feel someone's inner feelings, even when they try to hide them. I constantly think phrases, songs, or sayings moments before the people around me say them out loud, even with zero context. I had a dream a chick from work (that I do not talk to, it's a large medical facility) was connected to me somehow and dyed her hair red, only to see her the next day, having dyed her hair the same shade from my dream (this is one of the "nail in the coffin" things that has me convinced).
I noticed that when I get full of myself, these and other abilities diminish or I lose control. I feel like I am meant to do something with this. I feel like I want to be a hero. I feel very in touch with who I am, what I want out of life. I want to make the world a better place. I can't help but feel there is some sort of divine connection to all of these things. I can't question it, because it won't answer, but it shows me insights and truths maybe some people couldn't totally handle.
I don't claim to be a "chosen one" because I feel others like me out there, silently suffering as you wear your social butterfly mask at work, trapped in
a cycle you are aware of and aware that you can't escape alone, no matter how strong you are.
I feel entirely blessed and gifted with whatever has happened to me, but I am afraid I will waste it. There is a burning righteous fury inside of me, that only tempers me as an individual.
At the same time, I feel cursed. To be aware of this presence that doesn't interact with me in a way that I can understand. It's probably always been this way, but I just never saw it until my 30's.
I feel so strong, and young. I can still skate, I can still run, I can still work. No aches or pains… but my mind is old, and knowing. Like I've been here a thousand times. More than that, jesus. It's like I keep doing the same stupid shit over and over again. Why do we forget? I'm not sure why I'm even posting here, but it might be because someone will read it that feels the same way, or needs to see it, or something. Someone will read it and not reply, but they'll probably be the kind of person who will eventually get it, if they don't. I'm certain I couldn't possibly understand it at all until I figure it out myself.