When I was a kid, my parents were so violent to each other I thought they were going to murder each other. Then they would deny the violence when I brought it up. I thought I was going crazy. I was effeminate, probably because I was naturally artistic and thus more sensitive than other boys. I also question if I’m a bit autistic. Having more of a feminine side than the average man isn’t necessarily bad, because it can help artists, writers, filmmakers, etc. make things which move people. Also, people feel really comfortable telling me their worries because I come across as caring I suppose. So even though I’ve had trouble socially with autistic like qualities, people are still drawn to me.
But what I’ve learned is I need to keep it in check so it doesn’t possess me. Ive learned to control my emotions around people and adopt a stoic attitude (I’m not talking about stoicism in a religious or “life is meaningless stop caring” sense). That has helped me. I also had to read a lot about masculinity, think about how I dress and my mannerisms, and so on. If you have a more feminine side than the average man, you’ll need to learn to more about masculinity. I think developing one masculine hobby like weight lifting helps.
Anyway, as I said I was naturally more feminine but in a healthy environment I don’t think it would have been a concern. I would have just been a more artistic, sensitive kid. But I started to let it overtake it as a child because I thought girls were to be protected, and never hit, and I thought the more feminine I was, I would be safer from my parents.
It is insane but as a child it is your fault really. You don’t have the life experience or tools to navigate utter terror. The violence was happening more days than not. I felt like I was in a torture chamber.
There was nothing sexual about this as I was a little kid. I did not know that homosexuality and transgenderism existed in the early 80s. So as I got a little bigger and stronger and more independent, I was able to leave my home more and also not feel as helpless. I was more aware that life is longer and I could move away one day. Had this happened in our current time, maybe someone would have encouraged me to be transgender, and I might have done it to cope with an unbearable situation.
I’ve read similiar stories about children experiencing trauma and developing identity dysphoria. A woman later learned she wanted to be a man because as a kid she had been raped repeatedly, and her innocent child brain thought if she didn’t have a vagina should could not be raped. Another boy was dressing in his moms clothes. The mom worked nights, so the doctor said for her to call him before bed, for him to sleep near a photo of her, and for them to spend more time together on the weekend.
There will always be transgender people because you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, but it’s so disturbing that our society is eliminating avenues for people who develop gender identity as a coping mechanism to find true help to their problem, rather than a masquerade that will likely make the problem worse once the novelty wears off.