/christian/ - Christian Discussion and Fellowship

My doc upped my meds and I've been having more severe suicidal thoughts, delusions, and hallucinations ever since. I am scared af bros. It's like my brain is trapped in hell on earth.

I'm glad to see this being discussed here, suicide is a growing problem in the West, and one that we, as Christians, should take extremely seriously.

Share your experiences, and try help each other. When you're at your lowest, helping someone else may give you a direction and purpose is life.

>>729757

>I've been having more severe suicidal thoughts, delusions, and hallucinations ever since.

If you are having these side effects while on an antidepressant or an anti-psychotic or mood stabilizer, etc., that's your cue to call your doc and get off these meds or whatever med is causing this. This is an emergency situation; if you have to go to the emergency room or some sort of suicide prevention facility while you detox, so be it.

>>729756

Why are you detoxing from SSRIs? What is the specific condition(s) you're being treated for?

>>729766

Something is very wrong. I've been having dreams of the mental hospital too.

>>729769

Call your doc, or the hospital where you go for these meds and report everything.

>>729768

I've had problems with depression, anxiety, and obsessive thoughts for virtually my entire life. I've been on SSRI's for a number of years, went off them about ten months before I reverted to Catholicism (June 2017), went back on it at the beginning of this year when my mental problems and confusion over the faith got worse, and I've weaned myself off of it (with knowledge of my psychiatrist) because I'm convinced it makes me worse and retarded.

>>729798

Kath?

>>729798

>because I'm convinced it makes me worse and retarded.

How so?

>>729807

I am not named Kath.

>>729810

It makes me feel incapable of concentrating and focusing on work for any appreciable amount of time, and I already can barely do that as it is. The major turning point of my crisis of faith, my doubts, and all of my concerns occurred as I increased my dosage.

>>729823

>It makes me feel incapable of concentrating and focusing on work for any appreciable amount of time, and I already can barely do that as it is. The major turning point of my crisis of faith, my doubts, and all of my concerns occurred as I increased my dosage.

Increased hyperactivity and ADHD-like symptoms and worsening depression in response to SSRIs is usually considered a tell-tale sign of possibly being on the Bi-Polar spectrum. SSRIs literally exacerbate this condition. You might want to talk with you psychiatrist about this. You might be better off being on a mood stabilizer like Depakote, Lithium or Lamictal, or possibly even one of the gentler atypical anti-psychotics like Latuda. Or you might even just need a mood stabilizer in addition to your SSRI. Sometimes mood stabilizers and SSRIs are prescribed together and work well, but an SSRI by itself will induce mania in someone on the Bi-Polar Spectrum.

>>729909

My psychiatrist at one point suggested adding a small dose of an anti-psychotic to my SSRI but I objected because I want to get off medicine entirely (and because taking an anti-psychotic would require me to admit to being psychotic). What do mood stabilizers do (other than the obvious)?

On a side note, I had a panic attack a few days after being jumped a little over a year and a half ago and my psychiatrist prescribed me a benzo in case it happened again. I've been completely free of panic attacks but I've been taking it on an as-needed basis when I get overly worked up and anxious.

>>729918

>and because taking an anti-psychotic would require me to admit to being psychotic.

No it wouldn't. Anti-psychotics are prescribed for conditions other than schizophrenia and psychosis, such as Bi-polar, OCD, and anxiety disorder.

>What do mood stabilizers do (other than the obvious)?

They are medications designed to treat mood disorders such as Bi-Polar, Borderline, Schizoaffective, etc. It does exactly as described: stabilize the moods of those with unstable moods.

>my psychiatrist prescribed me a benzo in case it happened again. I've been completely free of panic attacks but I've been taking it on an as-needed basis when I get overly worked up and anxious.

If you really want to go medication free, the fact that you are responding so well to benzos is promising. It may indicate that your fundamental affliction is just that: anxiety. You could try going to a therapist trained to teach DBT and EMDR to process traumas and/or group sessions.

The next time you talk to your psychiatrist, bring up these things, such as the possiblity of you having Bi-Polar or something similiar if you suspect you might have it, or if she can recommend a therapist who teaches DBT and EMDR. (DBT deals with practical advice for emotion regulation and distress tolerance, and EMDR is a therapy that involves the use of bilateral stimulation in order to process and heal from trauma or deep seated issues.)

>>729361

Please pray for me. My doctor says I'm suffering from psychotic depression. The delusions are very confusing and at times frightening. I spent a good part of the day sperging on cuckchan to calm down.

>>729923

I'm seeing another psychiatrist who specializes in OCD (among other things) so I'll try talking about those things. I've been advised by my psychiatrist to make sure that I find someone who does ERP for OCD so anxiety as a foundational component here sounds plausible.

>EMDR is a therapy that involves the use of bilateral stimulation in order to process and heal from trauma or deep seated issues.

Tell me more please, this sounds interesting. I do think I have some underlying issues that I haven't completely unearthed and dealt with yet, so I'll talk to my therapists about this.

Oh yeah, random other admission here: as far back as third grade (I've recently hit wizarding age) I've felt like I've been out of time and have no opportunities and my life was a waste. I winnie the pooh need help.

>>729756

SSRI detox is rough. Take it one day at a time and get plenty of sleep. Make sure you have adequate vitamin b, d, and healthy fats/fish oils.

It will get easier. Remind yourself you're feeling this way because you are withdrawing. You'll feel different eventually, even if you're hopeless and depressed right now.

What do you enjoy in life? What kinds of opportunities would you like to see in the future?

>>729948

>Tell me more please, this sounds interesting.

Basically it involves inducing rapid eye movements, or even using two small hand-held alternating vibrators to stimulate both sides of your brain, causing to go into a state roughly equivalent to REM sleep IIRC. In this state, your brain is more susceptible to reprocessing aspects of your life. While this is going on, the therapist will walk you through visualizing/reliving out either a specific traumatic event in your life, or do a loose association based on patterns in your life. You'll do a visualization, stop, the therapist will ask you how you are feeling; you talk about it, and based on what you say/observe, the therapist will take your train of thought in a specific direction based on getting to the root of your experience. Then eventually, you will be guided through processing and recontexualizing what you went through, until they bring your distress level down, or outright process it.

For example: I processed my father's abuse of me throughout childhood using this therapy. During the course of it, I realized that I held the subconscious belief that my father abused me as a child because I was a bad person who deserved it., which colored the way I carried myself through life. At the end, I realized his rage and abuse towards me were the product of his own PTSD he went through while in the military, that I was a child who didn't know better, and that I wasn't such a bad person after all.

EMDR has been especially successful in helping out people with PTSD (as I can attest, due to essentially getting secondary PTSD from my dad) but can also be useful for other traumas. I definitely highly recommend it.

>as far back as third grade (I've recently hit wizarding age) I've felt like I've been out of time and have no opportunities and my life was a waste. I winnie the pooh need help.

Yeah, this definitely sounds like something that could be reprocessed and worked through.

>>729926

Will be praying for you. Please keep us updated in terms of treatment progress, medication etc. May Saint Dymphna pray for you to the Lord, and for all affected in this thread.

>>729992

Orthodox.

>>729992

>I can't imagine finishing my academic requirements in the time that I have.

The lady who works at the front office at my university just recently had her Senior art show and is going to be teaching art soon, her life-long dream. She finished her degree over the course of like a decade or so, basically taking one or two classes a semester while working and having other responsibilities. If I had to guess, from her physical appearance, she looks like she's in her late forties or early fifties. If you trust in God and put your mind to it, you may have more time than you think.

>>729993

Interesting. Again, I apologize for any antagonism, which was not my intent. If you don't mind my asking, did you experience this therapy yourself? Did you talk to your priest about it? You knowledge sounds more than theoretical from what we've discussed so I admit to curiosity. Feel free not to answer if you don't want to.

>>730004

I have until 2020 to write a document in the 60-90 page range of which I currently have written about barely 10. I'm not even sure my preliminary research that I've already done is even remotely adequate to even get half of that.

>>730014

2 years sounds like plenty of time

>>730014

>If you don't mind my asking, did you experience this therapy yourself?

Yes, I outlined one of my experiences with this therapy in this post: >>729985

>Did you talk to your priest about it?

No I did not.

>>730035

I concur. There's also the fact that getting your problems resolved or under control, whether it be completing your detox from SSRIs or getting the right medication or engaging in a therapy that's effective for you, could aid you in this process, God willing.

>>730035

>>730083

>>730121

Of course, minutes after thanking you guys I go into a freakout about how it's not really two years it's more like fourteen months and start ranting at my mother about how I'm expected to become a machine and just work and ignore everything just because I'm supposed to. winnie the pooh this.

Any anons like me here whos life is such garbage but can't kill themselves because there's no guarantee of what we usually seek in death? I think it takes a lot of faith if you think death is going to give you nothingness. I don't like being alive in this life either because of the usual.

I'm a Christian to win in a being full of losses.

>>730123

>>730121

And now that I look through Wiki red flags are jumping the winnie the pooh up.

>Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing

>Invented by Francine Shapiro

>Shapiro is a senior research fellow emeritus at the Mental Research Institute, Palo Alto, California

Yeah I'm a little hesitant to use a method of mental health invented by a Jewess in Crowley and Parson's playground.

>>730225

Thanks for continuing to talk with me about this and give me information; I really can't thank you enough. As for the occult connection to Palo Alto, it is the location of Stanford University, alma mater of Thelemite Jack Parsons, collaborator of both Aleister Crowley and L. Ron Hubbard. Still, I'll take a look at the information you've shared. Thank you again, anon. I'd keep posting hugging meme dudes but I think that's wearing thin.

I just started an ssri about 7 weeks ago. Some days I feel great. Most days I don't.

I don't have friends. No one has asked me to do anything in over a month. The 2 people that will hangout with me if I ask never want to do anything except have me watch them play video games.

My dad is dying and I haven't seen him in well over 6 months. He's been giving me some of my inheritance through the mail. I'm supposed to get his guns soon and I'm terrified that I might hurt myself with them.

I just registered for the bar exam. But I don't think I'll have the focus or motivation necessary to study.

I constantly think about this girl who stood me up and ghosted me over 6 months ago. I feel so stupid because I'm still more upset about it than I ever had any right to be in the first place. I know I'm in love with a fantasy but I can't shake myself out of it. I'm upset at myself because I know it's a Fantasy and I can't let go.

All I do all day is lay in bed until the gym opens at 5pm. Then I workout for an hour or so and come home to more emptiness.

I have no money and no time for a job because of bar prep. I'm a winnie the pooh waste. I'm a dweeb. Bah

>>730239

>I just started an ssri about 7 weeks ago. Some days I feel great. Most days I don't.

Keep in mind, it often takes 8 to 12 weeks before an SSRI becomes fully effective. It may also be the case that you may need an additional medication like Rexulti, or you may even need a different SSRI.

>I don't have friends. No one has asked me to do anything in over a month. The 2 people that will hangout with me if I ask never want to do anything except have me watch them play video games.

You may have to take the initiative to get those friends to do something else. Also, do you go to church on Sunday regularly? That could be a place to meet like-minded people.

>My dad is dying and I haven't seen him in well over 6 months. He's been giving me some of my inheritance through the mail. I'm supposed to get his guns soon and I'm terrified that I might hurt myself with them.

Go and see him as soon as you can. When my father went, it was out of the blue without warning. I wish I could've talked to him more when I had the chance. Also you should talk to your family members about the feelings you have, especially concerning the guns. In your state, someone else should either have them, or at least hold on to them until you are in a better state of mind.

>I constantly think about this girl who stood me up and ghosted me over 6 months ago. I feel so stupid because I'm still more upset about it than I ever had any right to be in the first place. I know I'm in love with a fantasy but I can't shake myself out of it. I'm upset at myself because I know it's a Fantasy and I can't let go.

You're human; we all go through this. I remember when I went through a phase in which I viewed just about any woman who showed me sustained positive attention as potential girlfriend material. Don't beat yourself up about this. Especially because:

> All I do all day is lay in bed until the gym opens at 5pm. Then I workout for an hour or so and come home to more emptiness.

You definitely have really bad depression. You need to try to stick out the SSRI for awhile, or talk with your psychiatrist about other options if it's not working. Are you also seeing a psycho therapist, and a pastor/priest/spiritual father?

>I just registered for the bar exam. But I don't think I'll have the focus or motivation necessary to study.

>I have no money and no time for a job because of bar prep. I'm a winnie the pooh waste. I'm a dweeb. Bah

Dude, I'm an artist with a middling to slightly above average intellect at best. You have the brains and toughness to potentially be a lawyer! That is a gift from God! There is no shame in having no job or money because you are investing in your long term future. Don't worry yourself with girls or popularity right now. If you truly think this is the profession God wants you in, go all in with gusto.

As for staying in bed all day, as I've said in another thread before: depression feeds on passivity and inactivity like a sponge on water. You're going to have to force yourself to get up and get active in some fashion even if every fibre of your being doesn't want to. Start out simple: go for a walk around your neighborhood. Maybe go to the local park or woodland area for extended walks or hiking. No money? No problem! Head to your local library, and hang out there reading books and such. See if there are free public events in your area, or if there's a discount theatre in town. Almost forgot: most libraries are de facto video rental stores as well, so you can also rent DVDs of movies and TV shows there. In terms of eating out, if you have to, go to a joint that has a dollar menu if you have to, in order to just get out for a change. If you don't want to eat unhealthy, just get salad or something light and just sit there for awhile for the sake of the ambiance.

Hope this helps and God be with you!

>>730233

No prob bro. Yeah, when I was doing search engine research on what you brought up, though I couldn't find the Palo Alto or MRI connection, I had never heard of Jack Parsons, so that was new for me. Also never knew Hubbard and Crowley were buds, but considering what Hubbard would go on to do… it makes a scary amount of sense.

>>730290

Hubbard was so shady that even Crowley had to warn Parsons to watch out for him, or so I've heard. Bad dudes all around. Also, Hubbard literally cucked Parsons.

>>729361

Here’s a resource for help (they’re in description):

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cWTEE4SkCLY

>>730313

Polite Sage for off-topic

>Aleister Crowley

>"World's Most Wicked Man"

>"The Beast 666"

>Afraid of L Ron Hubbard

I'm not going to lie: I find this darkly and ironically hilarious. Partly because up to this point I viewed L Ron Hubbard as some hack Sci-fi novelist who decided to start a fake religion for money, then drank his own Kool-Aid and went mad. Not to mention in his pictures, he doesn't exactly look very imposing. Thus, the image of Aleister Crowley, going out of his way to cultivate this de facto Anti-Christ image, being scared of this lumpy looking hack novelist is just so humorous because I would have not expected it. It definitely makes me look at L Ron in a more menacing light.

>>729361

I can't find an old thread from /christian/ about this.I just want someone to pray for my friend so he can get his job tomorrow, he constantly gets shat on by life and i fear that this job is the only thing that can help him so far, i just want him to feel some goodness in his life and i just want god to grant him that job so he can go back on his feet.

Why on earth are we prescribed these drugs that only seem to worsen or at best numb the depression but come with a slew of side effects that make life a living hell?

It sounds like a spin of the roulette wheel by these "doctors" who are only going by whatever lines the big pharma dicks are selling them on the latest snake oil garbage they make.

>>732259

Will be praying for your friend.

I'm >>729756 >>729798 >>729992 >>730126 here. I'm at my winnie the pooh limit. Death is not enough; I desire my complete annihilation. I want my existence itself to have never been, with no evidence or memory that it ever was. My miserable existence has been only a waste that has brought no good whatsoever. I pray and pray and receive no hint of an answer. Have I been specifically predestined for misery and damnation?

>>732758

SSRI withdrawal can be brutal and long-lasting. You might want to talk to your doctor/psych/etc. to see if they can put you on something that can relieve the withdrawal effects with. You may want to also think about checking yourself into some sort of detox or suicide watch center, as what you're describing sounds serious. Other than continuing to pray for you, I don't know what else to say. Talk to your family members who you trust about this: get them involved so they can step in if things go awry. Have you told your priest/spiritual father or trusted members of your church community about this? You're going to need all the support you can get. I'm pulling for you bro.

>>732957

I haven't been to confession since the beginning of the year because of all of the insanity and doubts I've been having. My "church community" is septigenarian boomers and a few gen x-ers and their grade school age children, so that's not a "community" in any sense. My family is aware of it and is at their wits' end as much as I am. On the plus side, I've calmed down and even managed to do a little bit of work this past half hour or so. Thanks for everything, man; if nothing else I'll get through this in order to make your generosity not wasted.

>>733459

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply; have been caught up energy and time-draining graduation drama as of late. This post: >>732758 in particular has been burrowing a hole into the back of my mind for quite some time now. The more I think about it, the more it reminds me of my own experiences.

Long story short: started having intense hypnogogic and hypnopompic hallucinations and mild voices during the day about 3ish years ago. Was initially diagnosed as schizophrenic, and then bi-polar. Name an atypical antispychotic or mood stabilizer, and I've been on it. Unfortunately, these medications were clearly not for me, as they either did nothing, or gave me life debilitating side effects far worse than my actual condition.

I remember three distinct withdrawal periods I went through: Lamotrogine gave me the 2nd worst month of my entire life, and withdrawal from Latuda and hypnotic based sleep medications like Ambien and Lunesta weren't picnics either. In all of these cases, benzos like lorazepam and clonazepam, literally saved my life and sanity.

In particular, what you said in this post: >>732758 reminds of the mindset I was in when going through Latuda withdrawal. I can still remember the moment I was in the shower, my head leaning against the shower wall and thinking thoughts very similiar to yours, when out of the blue, more than likely God at work, I remembered that I had some left over lorazepam from when I was recovering from lamotrogine withdrawal. Sure enough, I started taking the lorazepam, and the withdrawal got infinitely more bearable until I rode it out.

You might seriously want to consider discussing with your psych/doctor about temporarily going on a small dose of a benzo like lorazepam or clonazepam to help make your SSRI withdrawal more bearable.

In spite of your doubts, please, please go to confession. I'm only a catechumen, and would absolutely love to partake in such a privilege.

Also, don't write off your church community just because they're not perfectly in your age range. I have a wonderful loving relationship with my church community in spite of being the youngest person there. True, you more than likely will not be able to connect with them in commonality in terms of hobbies or certain life experiences. But you can still connect with them through your common interest in the Word and Life of God, as well as emotional and human experiences universal to all. Not to mention the wisdom that can be gleaned from those older than you. Or how hanging out with those younger than you can bring out your inner child and give you practice in being a leader and role model for them. Children always directly look up to and form a direct bond with whomever is the youngest of the oldest, so consider it an opportunity to be a positive influence in their life, and them in yours.

Still praying and pulling for you. Please keep in touch.

>>737209

>>737217

Thanks a lot for the concern, bros. I'm doing significantly better than when I wrote that post; I think getting off of Zoloft was overwhelming at the time. I'm feeling a lot better now. I'll be praying for both of you and thinking about what you've shared with me, I really can't thank you enough. (Just as a side note, I also was prescribed lorazepam for anxiety attacks and I think that helps when it happens.)

I was also hearing voices or at least hyping myself into having conversations with real or imagined "voices" or myself before - my Catholic therapist (new guy, not my other therapist or my psychiatrist) thought, based on the detailed descriptions of some things that happened outright thought it was "not of God" and referred me to a "gifted priest" he knows who he wants me to explain everything and have him pray over me. In addition, I saw a new psychiatrist who recommended me Prozac (and a very small dose of another benzo, to keep the edge off as I start the Prozac) for OCD and anxiety. Currently, I'm trying to get into contact with that priest and hesitating to start Prozac as I already just got off Zoloft.

Thanks again for reading, guys. I love you. No homo.

>>742236

As I mentioned, my life is far from ideal, but I'm not in a pit like I was several years ago. If anyone walks to talk about their specific situation, I will be happy to try to help. I will avoid cliches, be honest, and won't kick you when you're down.

Sinned a lot, fell into despair lately…am I reprobate, I keep asking myself; if so, suicide would be but a shortcut to what awaits me anyway. I’m a Catholic who has suffered from depression since the age of 15, but hid it for years; after I was raped in my mid 20s, my mind went even more Puritan: I kept saying it had happened because of my sins, and while I know God’s forgiveness…well, I can’t seem to believe in it anymore. Yesterday, for the second time, I ran away during mass., as I can’t fully believe anymore in nothing but Hell. Heaven seems empty, and I keep running from the Light.