I try to avoid intercourse and give oral or use my hands or toys as much as possible.
It turns me on when a girl is relaxed and has orgasms while I am tense and horny. They feel guilty about it, and all I can tell them is that "I enjoy it more than intercourse", although that's not true.
I get off on self-defeat and they always leave, maybe because I encourage them to use me even when I don't want to, which means I was lying about enjoying it.
Girls want to be wanted, and if I tell them I want to be used, then they no longer have a way of knowing if I want them.
It's also no challenge at all for a girl to use me. Girls like to dress nice and compete for a guy's attention.
I get off on a fat, ugly woman with a mustache using me more or less the same as a model-tier girl using me, and since the former is easier, I stopped bothering with attractive girls and just pretend that I'm attracted to fatties to have sex with them.
However, even ugly women want to be wanted. Once they find out I give zero fucks about what they look like, and I just want to use them for my self-defeating fantasies, it's over.
I know it's wrong. I just have no idea what to do about it. If I try not to think about that stuff, I'll take little excitement from sex and just end up thinking about it again. I'll never be able to be in a relationship with someone at this rate.