/mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders

>>13869

I guess that makes sense actually. The idea of suicide actually does provide me with some comfort. Yet at the same time the thought of getting in an accident or some horrible disease is terrifying to me. I'm 30 and I never used to think about death so much as I do now. Since my last birthday I've become borderline obsessed with my own mortality and it's driving me crazy.

>>13868

I also feel this way, I am currently wrestling with it.

>>13869

Precisely this. In trying to express myself to others willing to listen, I have come to a conclusion and an understanding of what I actually feel. I have come to phrasing it as such: It's not that I want to die, it's that I feel like I must, there's no other option.

I'm not content with this life, unable to change it I feel like death is the only option. When you have come to the conclusion, that you do not fit in this society, what other option is there, you can't enter another world, you either refuse or find it impossible to change your self(preferences/mind/values/etc.), you refuse to become a leech or burden on others, despite the obvious appeal of the freedom it might give. It's not that death is desirable, it's that it's the only thing you know of, that you can actually do that will definitely change everything, it's the only portal to another world. I don't want to go, but I don't want to stay here.

It's a torment for me, I am currently wondering what will become of me, no matter what, to move forward from where I am, I have to cease being the person I am now, but by which means? Mental change, or physical destruction, both seem like the death of myself.

I like me, others like me, but the merit I have isn't valuable to society as a whole, sustaining my life and maintaining sanity/happyness seem to be mutually exclusive. I can't practically make a wage doing anything that makes me valuable as a person, if you can't make a wage, you can't live in modern society without becoming a dreg, if pride in your self is part of who you are, then you're doomed in such a situation.

People compliment me, saying I have a good personality, but what value is there in being a good person today? If that's all I have then what good am I here, none. To reiterate again, I very much like myself and would rather live than die, but I also feel like I cannot fit into modern society. This is where the complex stems from for me, why I have been planning for suicide while also being upset at the prospect of dying. The thought emerges "I wish it didn't have to be this way", but the feeling is there, that it is this way, so this must be done. It's going to happen eventually anyway, which is both maddening and comforting.

I feel like I've written a lot and still haven't properly conveyed the feelings behind this, but I hope it's what you were looking for. If we are simpatico, I'm sure you'll know how I mean.

death is a comforting thought to me as well! i could fantasize about killing myself for an entire week, wallowing, but as soon as my deluded brain tells me theres someone outside with a gun ready to kill me, shit, im not stepping foot out of my house.

one thing that continues to perplex me is how afraid i am of my parents dying. they were both abusive to me, though i guess theres some crying abused child who dissociated from my consciousness thinking theyre still trustable. car crashes are an intrusive thought, imagining them mangled and i couldnt even say goodbye. the anxiety in the moment is suffocating.

my whole life is one big destructive mess. its amazing how fucked up your brain can get when its abused during major development

There's no comfort in death. You're only allowed to believe that there's nothing because nobody who's been stone cold dead will ever be able to talk about what's beyond. Things could even be worse after you die.