[ / / / / / / / / / / / / / ] [ dir / random / 93 / biohzrd / hkacade / hkpnd / tct / utd / uy / yebalnia ]

/hikki/ - Hikikomori

The modern hermit

Email
Comment *
File
Password (Randomized for file and post deletion; you may also set your own.)
Archive
* = required field[▶Show post options & limits]
Confused? See the FAQ.
Embed
(replaces files and can be used instead)
Options

Allowed file types:jpg, jpeg, gif, png, webp,webm, mp4, mov, swf, pdf
Max filesize is16 MB.
Max image dimensions are15000 x15000.
You may upload1 per post.


A WARNING TO ALL NEW USERS IF YOU ARE NOT A HIKIKOMORI I WILL BAN YOU!! People who are going to work or school are not Hikikomori There are many people on here who can not leave their home Please choose your topic with consideration IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN AT HOME INSIDE YOUR ROOM FOR AT LEAST 6 MONTHS OR MORE THEN DON'T POST HERE!

File: b357d14085475c5⋯.jpg (272.54 KB,1200x545,240:109,ef9f68550f3af8b8efeb7ba369….jpg)

a9800b No.7737

I had ECT (electric compulsive therapy) a year ago, and when I was constantly having to go under anesthesia twice a week during treatment, I began to develop a fear of experiencing death or unconsciousness later on. I have panic attacks during night thinking about it and its unnerving and torturous.

The thing that scares me about being unconscious forever or dying itself is the thought of losing your memories and experiences you had in life. It sounds gay because everyone here has had their own traumatizing experiences as well as depression throughout their life, and I'm no different- but I'm scared of losing the experiences I had with the 'good' parts of life, even if they're really small. I treasure these things more than anything in the fucking world; like anime. I don't have a waifu because I can't commit to one character, but I never ever want to forget my favorite characters, or forget my favorite anime series. I don't know how to properly express my love of my favorite series into words properly, I hope people who also love anime can understand what I'm saying (also sorry if I sounded like a faggot).

Also I know that anime is this corporate money-making bullshit and maybe I'm being too attached to this- I don't really know with the garbage I see around the world.

And everyone dies alone- only once in a blue moon can some married couple properly die together. I gave up on making friends decades ago or try to interact with society. And to be honest, I want to die after my parents die because being a wrinkling vegetable in bed all day, or being in a nursing home where everything abuses you is frightening and I would rather die while I can still lift a gun up my head.

It doesn't help that I've never been religious in my life either, and its hard for me to be optimistic in general.

Do other hikkis feel the same about this? I know suicide comes up often here and some seem to be comfortable with dying- but as living creatures that try to avoid death, I doubt that there's no strong sense of fear that everyone experiences seconds before they die.

Also are there ways to reduce this anxiety? Sorry for begging, but do anons know any books/resources to help deal with this?

____________________________
Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

e7e477 No.7738

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

The only thing that truly terrifies me about dying is the thought of being conscious, or somehow remaining aware of myself throughout eternity. Stephen King's "Jaunt", Junji Ito's "The Long Dream", Black Mirror's "White Christmas", SCP 2718, or, the granddaddy of this sort of thing, Harlan Ellison's "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream", all, to some degree or another, illustrate what I'm talking about here. The idea of time dilation taking place during the very moment of one's death is something that disturbs me greatly, although I'm not sure how it'd happen if somebody just blew their head off with a shotgun. Another thing that deeply disturbs me is the spurious notion that wherever you "think" or "believe" you're going to go, is exactly where you go. What if you're an obsessive basket case like me though, who can only fear & hyper focus on the worst possible scenario? What then? Am I just completely fucked? Literally condemned to hell because of OCD I was cursed with and that I can't control? Honestly that whole thing, along with "The Secret" & authoritarian mindfulness garbage in general, is some serious "It's A Good Life" Twilight Zone bullshit. "Only think good thoughts & beliefs now, or be condemned to eternity in your own personal hell!" I remember first hearing about this kind of thing from George Carlin on one his comedy albums (Brain Droppings, I believe it was) and, ever since, it's been something that's both enraged me & made me shit my pants, in equal measure. Even pessimistic, cynical me, honestly can't admit to the universe being that badly/maliciously designed, although, in some sense, it'd be very fitting if it were.

It's also frightening to think how someone who's paralyzed and has no use of their senses is pretty much trapped inside their body, akin to being trapped in a black, endless void. Just think of that guy who failed at shooting himself, becoming practically a vegetable in the process, and kept blinking how he still wanted to die. Dude must've been howling, blood curdling screams on the inside 24/7. "Johnny Got His Gun" is another unsettling story that detailed this sort of thing.

My reassurance against all this awfulness? Well, mostly the obvious. The mind sits at the center of everything. Once it goes, that's that. Like switching off a computer, or flicking the off switch on a light. It'll simply be nothing. Like a deep, dreamless sleep. If I knew that were the case with absolute certainty and that every part of me would be completely annihilated in the process, then I wouldn't have the slightest but of concern about death. Dying certainly, but not death. Funny how something like Hamlet's famous soliloquy on death & dying, written hundreds of years ago now, strikes right to the very heart of this sort of thing.

The fact that one would potentially still have to be alive to experience that sense of eternity isn't a exactly a great comfort, though. Quite frightening itself in fact, given the dystopian hellscape of this planet. Perhaps there will be drugs that can simulate what I've described above in the future as a form of capital punishment. You'd also sure as shit never catch me uploading my consciousness to a computer (assuming we're not in one already), since death, in the sense of it being a dreamless sleep, would be impossible, whereas any sort of hell you could imagine, would suddenly be a reality, whether due to a bored hacker, or a nightmarish cyber government. Even if that weren't the case, just imagine if the program ever got corrupted somehow, leaving one in a potentially literal version of SCP 2718 due to that corruption.

Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

e7e477 No.7739

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

>>7738

In my case however, picking up from my last post, I literally couldn't give a rat's ass about losing "who I am", or my "experiences". Sorry that I can't really relate to you there, but I see that sort of stuff as beyond useless & not worth preserving, especially when compared against seizing the potentially overwhelming bliss of nonexistence. The part you touched on about being afraid to fall unconscious is something that strikes a chord with me, though. Every so often, I get that with simply trying to sleep, with me panicking at the threshold beyond consciousness & unconsciousness to the point where I just lay there awake with palpable anxiety until however long passes that I somehow manage to drift off once enough fatigue has accumulated for me to finally do so. Besides that, I also have a lot of death anxiety for my parents. The thought that there will come a day where they'll be gone forever and I'll never be able to see them again really, really gets to me. The fact that they aren't getting any younger makes me dread the inevitably fatal swing of the ax that much more.

Reducing death anxiety, though? Well, unfortunately, there's not much I can offer there. Personally, I just try not to think about it. It's certainly a blessing that the mind itself has evolved to do just that. Sheldon Solomon's "Terror Management Theory" & Ernest Becker's "Denial of Death", both explore this sort of thing. I haven't read their books, since I don't have the wherewithal to read books, but that's just what I've heard. Sheldon has some good videos on YouTube, though. At this point, as unlikely as it is, I just pray I die suddenly & unexpectedly somehow. Couldn't imagine getting a terminal diagnosis and knowing my imminent death is on the horizon. Copious amounts of mind-numbing drugs or amnesiacs would be the only answer.

Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

e7e477 No.7740

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

Nice scene from "Jacob's Ladder" about death & dying. It doesn't have much to say that would truly help, but I've always enjoyed it.

Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

a9800b No.7744

File: 4a3755b6fcbad0a⋯.jpg (88.92 KB,650x487,650:487,1559725278381.jpg)

>>7740

It was hard to listen and acknowledge what he is saying at first. Mostly because through out my life, I trusted what adults told me or would say on TV etc. before I became an adult myself. I really believed in the "just push through it because it gets better" meme, but eventually that optimistic hope after the troubling depression never happened, and there was no sense of karma in the world. The 'bullies' in school that were manipulative and cruel towards both kids and adults grew up with working decent careers and got their own spouse and children. The world feels upside down- overall I feel like I can only rely on pessimism for the truth. When the time comes, I'll probably resist at first and struggle, but hopefully I can let it all go- but that's easier said than done.

>>7738

>thought of being conscious, or somehow remaining aware of myself throughout eternity

I agree on this; I cried about pissing myself if I died/let go in this thread, but at the same time I don't want to be in an eternal hell with no way out. I think what I want is to just be in some temporary afterlife that I can enjoy myself in before I let go into a new one.

The tranhumanism, putting your brain into computers, that's being brought up recently is frightening. Its nothing new but I can never feel numb whenever I hear an update or progress report on their technology. I don't want anything put inside my brain at all.

It's a dumb greedy contradiction I have where I want the best thing instead of dealing with what I have.

>I also have a lot of death anxiety for my parents. The thought that there will come a day where they'll be gone forever and I'll never be able to see them again really, really gets to me. The fact that they aren't getting any younger makes me dread the inevitably fatal swing of the ax that much more.

I feel you. Everytime I hear them talk about retirement, it fucks with me. I'm doing my best to give them the best times before they pass on.

Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

6bf7ab No.7746

File: 8f35ab8cea18526⋯.jpg (213.47 KB,800x1179,800:1179,drifters-12156205.jpg)

>>7737

Immediately changing your mind about death is impossible, but it can happen over time if you change how you think about it. You were dead before you were born. It's not going to be anything new. Avoiding death is perfectly rational, because you can do things and have experiences while you are alive, and being alive is not a very common thing. Fearing it on the other hand isn't very good, especially since life can legitimately become undesirable, but that's what nature wants us to do, so this fear is difficult to defeat, even though like most fears, it is absolutely useless, just something that gets in the way. That fear completely goes away when I think about dying for something. Personally, I mostly fear dying for nothing, unfulfilled (and of course, in severe pain for a very long time, unable to kill myself). As long as I end up having a good enough life, then it will hopefully be easier to accept. That would be a lot better than the average death. Most people live terrible or mediocre lives and die completely unhappy with how their lives went, and full of regret, not even knowing what went wrong because they never figured things out (or only did so when it was already too late). Other people, on the other hand, I don't have to worry about, because I don't really like most people that I know. Even people that I kinda like are people that I never even see. Cool old people die, and that sucks, but at least people that you hate die as well, so you can at least feel good about that.

>only once in a blue moon can some married couple properly die together

Not interested in that. If I have a relationship later on, I kinda want to be considerably older if I have a choice, so I would be the first one to die. If I still live longer and I don't appreciate that, suicide is always an option. This is what I want because youth is more important for women to have than it is for men, and it's kinda good to have someone that can be young for you while you are starting to lose your own youth. And I will be wiser, more knowledgeable, and generally more interesting (and also able to take care of myself and make some money, hopefully, if I can escape my prison), so it would be mutually beneficial. Of course, you have to be cool for this to work. Being in your mid 30s or early 40s can make you much cooler than in your 20s, if you improve over time. Meanwhile, you can still have a woman that is in her early 20s. Pretty sure that I will be able to pull that off when I know everything. I at least have full confidence in the fact that I'm anything but boring, and I hope to be even less boring in the future.

Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

1356b9 No.7748

File: 68f1f9ff91ed0d4⋯.png (832.13 KB,1009x6647,1009:6647,saylHm0.png)

>>7744

>I really believed in the "just push through it because it gets better" meme, but eventually that optimistic hope after the troubling depression never happened, and there was no sense of karma in the world.

Yeah. I don't really have much to say because, honestly, what else can be said or done, except to silently rue & mourn what a tragic, maddeningly lopsided absurdity it all is? Still, I'm reminded of an amazingly insightful post I saw recently, by one guy making s series of reply chains to himself. It's a long read, but it's worth it. Very hard hitting summation of what it's like to truly be estranged from this rotten world, whether that's as a hikikomori or as some otherwise bungled & botched individual, as Nietzsche once put it. The meaningless platitudes, the hopelessness, the feigned concern, the injustice, the sneering contempt, the overwhelming self-loathing, grief & sadness for a doomed existence that was over before it even began. It's all there and it cuts right to the bone. There was never any way out and all one can do is grit their teeth & endure, with no consolation or reason to do so, but for the fear of death chaining us to the proverbial radiator of this planet, making us all suffer as long as possible. Another lost & lonely victim thrown like a ragdoll to the howling whims of genetic determinism & the tyrannical demiurgic rule of DNA, the universe & life in general.

Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.



[Return][Go to top][Catalog][Nerve Center][Random][Post a Reply]
Delete Post [ ]
[]
[ / / / / / / / / / / / / / ] [ dir / random / 93 / biohzrd / hkacade / hkpnd / tct / utd / uy / yebalnia ]