/hikki/ - Hikikomori

>>7127

I don't have any solutions, but I've always felt the world more vividly in pictures and movies than in real life. Even looking through the camera view on my phone feels more real.

>>7127

OP you might be on the right track. Maybe your perception of what it is to be someone is changing on a intuitive level, and that's making you question your relation to the world. And this change of perception may not be caused by an illness but as the result of a more accurate understanding of how things really are.

Perhaps in a very deep sense human behavior is a parody. And as you start seeing the contrived nature of society and culture, fiction could start to feel more real. If society is as fake as fiction, then both are just as real.

Your detachment gives you the opportunity to look at the world from a perspective outside of yourself. This is a very powerful ability that you might want to explore. When you are being able to look at the world from this point of view, you are no longer attaching your subjectivity to something let alone a human so it's natural that human affairs can become strange to you.

As you say this might not be a problem. Maybe your isolation it's not the illness but the cure.

>>7181

(Continued from above….)

At the end of the day, everything in this life is built on pain and I won't bring pain to another person's life. Being alone might be painful in itself, but at least I'm to only one who's suffering. I don't care how perfectly fucked up the other person is to my particular tastes. They could materialize right outside my door and I wouldn't open it. It's almost a matter of principle to me, frankly. I've inflicted enough harm in this life. I refuse to be the architect of any more, if I can help it. Then again, perhaps it's all just a self-deceptive ploy orchestrated against myself to make me feel noble & self-sacrificing in my unbreakable solitude. It's all academic either way, given how isolated I am. All I can say for certain is that my deepest and most sincere wish is simply to die, preferably, in my case, alone. Not to get my own personal Misaki, or whatever other fucked up fallen angel I have envisioned in my head, but just to die. If it were a choice between waifu behind door #1, or unknown, painless exit behind door #2, I'm taking door #2 every time. Something about dying alone just makes me feel clean. Like fading away into the air in the middle of some vast unforgotten plain. No attachments, unburdened by the thick sticky tar of existence. Anyway, it's all just a jumbled incoherent mess, this post I'm writing and really everything else. Looking at it just makes me tired. I'm going to sleep. Just forget I said anything.

>>7187

(Continued from above…..)

>Then again, I will probably continue to be alone, so maybe it's better to fool myself and try to believe that it's what I want. I have done that for many years, so I do have a lot of practice, but occasionally the complete isolation gets to me and I have to admit that I feel like shit and dead inside. It's fucked up just how difficult it is to find just one person that you can relate to, but that's just how the world is. It's a rotten piece of shit.

Yes. You said it all. I'm continually astonished at how worse I feel from one day to the next. The pain just keeps going deeper & deeper. No matter how much I think, "I can't take this anymore!", I do. After all, what other choice is there? Besides, dropping some Fentanyl or sticking a gun in my mouth, of course. The amount of punishment the psyche can take is quite a bothersome predicament. When will it be enough for me. I can't help, but wonder & despair at whatever that amount truly is. To think, some people require so little external stimuli to kill themselves. Yet here I am, almost 28 years old, living as a hikikomori for 12 long years, and I still don't have the guts to do it. Maybe it's genetic. Maybe I'm just a cretin. I don't know, but the 2nd one's for certain

>>7188

I like to sniff my own nasal hair.

>>7155

>I've always kinda hated the guy who wrote NHK. Why dangle the impossible in front of other hermits like that. Feeding stray dogs, indeed.

I stopped watching NHK after the first episode for exactly this reason. I felt visceral disgust at the realization the show was going to be a story similar to what I've fantasized about thousands of times. I feel a physical sensation similar to pain when I find myself going down that mental road to false hope.

>>7182

>Anyway, it's all just a jumbled incoherent mess, this post I'm writing and really everything else. Looking at it just makes me tired. I'm going to sleep. Just forget I said anything.

Your posts aren't incoherent at all. In fact they are more coherent than anything I've ever written in my life. I think longing for the void is a common feeling among people like us. It's a soothing thought knowing that the our existence will end and it will be eternal nothingness forever.

Reading this thread has made me feel immensely relieved that I've avoided welcome to the NHK.

>>7190

>Of course, but he's also a Japanese writer, and he knows that you really need a girl if you want your book to sell. That is probably one of the main causes of her existence.

Hmm, I never considered that before. That probably is, indeed, the reason. Perhaps also the author wanted to torture himself more than anything by giving life to his own impossible yearnings, like squeezing the venom of loneliness from the gaping wound of continual isolation only for it to inevitably seep back in worse than before.

>I heard that it's more focused on Satou's life, and he's my favorite, so that's fine.

Yeah it does, but, just by virtue of the story being longer in the manga, while taking certain things & events much further than the anime does, all the characters, as a result, get many more moments of development to flesh them out more fully, even in regards to the supporting cast (Yamazaki, Megumi, Megumi's brother, Hitomi, Satou & Misaki's parents, etc.). The manga & the anime are still two very different beasts, though. A lot of stuff is rearranged, character arcs are a bit different, some people & places that are in the manga, aren't in the anime (etc.) At the very least, it's interesting to compare & contrast between the two.

I also, as an aside, never really liked Satou very much. Probably because most of his mannerisms reminded me so much of my own. Being the selfish, stupid prick he is most of the time. I mean, it might be unfair/judgemental to say so, but, overall, one has to admit he's a bit of an intolerable asshole. Personally though, I'm not much of a deviant, weeb, or pervert, so I guess that puts Satou ahead of me on the dysfunction meter. By and large my fetishes are quite tame and I've only watched about 10-20 different anime related things in my entire life and am totally out of the loop with message board lingo and otaku language. I've never even smoked, drank, or done drugs. Well aside, from vaping a few times and taking some THC oil, both of which I didn't enjoy very much what with it giving me panic attacks & some severe bouts of derealization. I'm also a complete neat freak and detest messes of any kind. Having said all that, if it were a choice between me or Satou, Misaki would almost undoubtedly pick Satou, simply because he'd be more of a candidate for her project than I am. Even among the "worthless", I'm worthless.

>I kinda enjoy the sadism of intentionally making a character that will be particularly attractive to your readers while also letting them know that it will never happen in reality and all they can do is enjoy the fantasy

I wish I could get off on the masochism of that, but, sadly, like many things, I can't. If I'm not sitting around catatonically staring off into space, I just lie on the floor and cry, pounding my fist against my head, begging for an end to it all. Very little pleasure to be had when your own nature works against you at every turn.

>buy a bunch of dakimakuras

Ha, had to look that one up. Is that what they're called? Funny you mention it because I was actually thinking of getting one myself. My parents wouldn't care. I could fuck the thing out in the middle of the kitchen and they'd just shrug their shoulders. I'm only interested in getting one of Misaki though, big surprise. For me it would be a sacred object that I'd hold tight and cry myself to sleep over. I'd never debase it with anything sexual. Unfortunately all the Misaki body pillows I could find look terrible and are far too lewdish for my tastes. Wonder if I could just print a sheet off of my own making, or something. I'm sure some place must do custom sheets out there.

>>7197

(Continued from above…)

>because it wouldn't be true love if I didn't give her permission to hack me to pieces with a butcher's knife if I start making her life worse, right?

I'd want Misaki to carve her name into my skin and drink my blood, while covering her face with it at the same time, just so she'd know that I'd be her willing captive forever. If I ever displeased her she could bite & tear into my flesh as much as she wanted to. Just so long as she wouldn't leave me. If it ever came to it, we could slit our throats together in unison and nothing would make me any happier.

Anyway, it's good to hear you still have hope for the future and of finding someone you might be happy with. I can't really relate on any level, I'm afraid to say, but it is what it is. I have no dreams or desires that can be fulfilled in this flawed universe. The world is such an awful, disappointing place, and its inhabitants doubly so. There's nowhere to go, nothing to do, nothing to become, and no one worth the trouble of knowing. The end result is, I'm alone. I'm an angry, disgusting, rotten husk of an individual and I'm alone. I'm getting older, I'm getting uglier, I'm drifting further out to sea and I'm alone. There's no salvation to be found from this. Not by anyone who's ever lived on this planet, could even one rescue me from this. I've always been a solitary matchstick man, lost in a universe I'm simply not cut out for. I just wish it all didn't hurt so much and that waiting for the end to come wasn't so painful. How could it not though? The longer you live, the worse it gets.

>I'm sure you remember that episode of the anime, Satou didn't even want to do it originally, and in the end he got so into it that he was the last one to give up. That episode destroyed me.

Yeah. That scream he makes at the end is quite spine tingling, to say the least. I actually used to cut myself while listening to it, as embarrassing as that is to mention. That whole scenario plays out a lot less dramatically in the manga, for better or worse. Other scenes that got to me especially in the anime was Satou envisioning himself as a disgustingly fat 50 year old who's completely lost in a nightmare too frightening for me to comprehend, and Misaki's breakdown about how lonely she is and screaming at Satou for denying his own loneliness as he sprints away from the park, which made me quite sad & angry as well, since, if it were me, I'd want to embrace her, but I'd probably still run away, so I wouldn't ruin her life.

As far as suicide groups are concerned, I don't know. I'm a bit conflicted. I'd gladly kill myself with Misaki, but anyone else? No. It would just feel weird & awkward and I'd probably just screw it up for them anyway, or back out at the last minute like a pussy because I'd be too paralyzed by the sparse few moments of pain & terror that the ego exerts as it's dying to actually get on with completing the act. Perhaps a group might act as extra encouragement, but enh. In anime world sure, but not in real life. Besides I'm a hikikomori who's deathly afraid of other people. That pretty much excludes the possibility altogether. Satou didn't know there'd be other people and he probably would've left immediately had it not been for Hitomi and him wanting to run away with his senpai.

Rather than a suicide group, I'd love if someone could just murder/euthanize me. I've sometimes fantasized about being a victim of Nazi Germany's T4 program. They'd just decide I'm useless and then give me a lethal injection, whether I wanted it or not. That would be very convenient for a guy like me.

>until I completely run out of hope and can't get any enjoyment out of life, I probably won't do it.

I reached that point a long time ago, yet, unfortunately for me, I'm still here. Life has been a tortuous, anhedonic nightmare for years now, but I'm so pathetically attached to my own tedious, misery laden existence, that I've found myself stuck in a purgatory of sorts where I'm, as of yet, unable to die. Left wandering in a fog of fear, hoping against hope that a car (random unknown) happens to run me over somehow, so as to circumvent my own crippling weakness.

>But apparently my brain had enough of it.

I had many moments like that before I became a hikikomori 12 years ago. I did feel that way once somewhat recently, though. Near the end of 2014. Lasted a couple months from what I recall and extended into 2015. Constant, unabating anxiety & panic. Many nights I couldn't even sleep it was so bad and I would just sit up shaking like a leaf. Somehow it eventually passed, but it's not like things got any better. One excruciating pain was merely replaced with another. Being so overwhelmingly depressed that I can't manage to do anything, but lay on the couch and stare at the wall, or straight adrenaline filled panic that makes me want to leap out a window. It's hard to say which is worse.

>>7199

(Continued from above…)

>Also, the world probably won't last very long anyway, and I would love to watch it burn, so staying alive could be worth it just for that.

I used to care about that as well, but now I don't. I used to listen and follow people like Guy McPherson, Dahr Jamail, and Paul Beckwith almost all the time. As they all detailed the collapse of the biosphere, and still do. Ocean acidification, the disappearance of oxygen producing phytoplankton and the likely development of a canfield ocean (anoxic), huge reserves of methane going off in the shallow arctic sea bed accelerating climate chaos a hundred fold, total loss of sea ice in the arctic in the summer season sometime within the next few years leading to the first blue ocean event in millennia, moistening of the upper troposphere, global dimming, levels of speciation loss thousands of times their natural background rate (such as in amphibians), complete unstoppable exponential growth of population, pollution and consumption (etc.) This world is most assuredly dying and will probably never recover. I honestly don't see the human species being around by the end of this century. Perhaps not even any life at all. As resources become ever more scarcer the use of nuclear weapons becomes inevitable. Combine that with the world's current 450 active nuclear power plants popping off and the combined radiation released would, quite possibly, be enough to sear away our atmosphere, rendering the Earth totally vunerable to the Sun's cosmic radiation. At this point, the oceans would boil off into space and anything on land would get blasted into nothingness from the intense radiation. In the end, the Earth will be rendered a lifeless rock, closely resembling that of Mars.

I can't help, but laugh at the fact that the human race, with all its protestations of how sacred and precious life is, are the architects of its total annihilation. Most would probably lynch me for being an efilist, or debate me until they were blue in the face, and yet the human race, through its own short sighted greed, is accomplishing the efilist objective as we speak. Not very humanely mind you, but it is accomplishing it. This world will be a lifeless graveyard and will be all the better for it. No more animals being devoured alive, starving to death, freezing to death, getting turned inside out by parasites, all of which happens in the supposedly "pristine" natural world everyone so cultishly worships. There will be no more victims and no more victimizers. Suffering will finally cease to be. Personally though, I'd rather just die as soon as possible. I won't live long enough to see the final end come, so it makes no difference to me. Perhaps to organized society as a whole maybe, but not the world's capacity to sustain life. No human will. It's a grim prognosis of things, no doubt, and you can feel free to call me crazy and disagree, or even claim I'm being too hopeful in my estimates of total omnicide, but it's just what I've found when looking into the matter. I'll admit that I don't know the future, but, from where I'm sitting, I just have a hard time envisioning any other outcome than what I've described, especially once you've taken all the factors into consideration. As you said though, it's comforting to think about either way.

>>7195

>Your posts aren't incoherent at all. In fact they are more coherent than anything I've ever written in my life.

Thank you. That's nice of you to say. I don't possibly see how you could say that, but I appreciate the sentiment, nonetheless.

>It's a soothing thought knowing that the our existence will end and it will be eternal nothingness forever.

Damn straight, man. So often when I feel like shit I can just to think to myself, "Hey, I'm gonna die someday. All the stupid things I think and feel and all the mental diarrhea that sloshes about in my head will finally be flushed down the toilet forever. I'll finally be free from my own moronic idiocy and all the rotten elements swarming in me that torment me morning, noon and night. Thank fucking goodness." It's usually enough to make me feel at least a smidgen bit better, for a little bit, at least.

Anyway, I'm glad you can relate to what I said originally. It's nice to know I'm not the only one, for what it's worth.

>>7201

>I would like to have weed, shrooms, acid and other cool shit

As would I, but the reality, as I discovered with my brief forays into the wonderfully dubious world of THC, is far from what I'd wish it to be. Ideally, I'd like to do every drug under the Sun until eventually OD'ing while lost in some fantastically blissful stupor, proverbial needle still stuck in my arm all the while. It's just a shame that marijuana, as mild as it is in the grand pantheon of illicit substances, brought out such a sense of panic & dread in me. So much so that out of the three occasions I've tried it, all being within the last few years, (twice vaped, once with an oil based edible) I've ended up in the fetal position, as the proceeding disorientation and displacement of self whipped me about like a ragdoll in a hurricane. My fundamental problem being that I just can't let go and allow the herb works its magic. Once things start to slide and my perception begins to fall out of my control, I can't help, but begin to freak out and fight what's happening with all my might. Naturally, this leads to extreme discomfort and a strong sense that I'm dying horribly, or losing my mind completely. Taking something like marijuana is a lot like getting on a roller coaster, in the sense that once the arm guard comes down and the cart starts moving, no matter how much it is you thrash, struggle and scream that you want to get off, you're on the ride for its full duration. "Buy the ticket, take the ride.", as Hunter S. Thompson, the famous gonzo druggie journalist, used to say. That lack of control over the experience and not being able to just make it stop whenever I want it to and immediately regain a sense of cold sobriety has, and continues to be, the major roadblock to my truly enjoying it. I'm still open to re-experimenting with it at some point since, despite all the mind rending negatives, I've managed to encounter a few moments while tripping, however short they are, of complete heavenly bliss beyond anything I could ever imagine or hope to experience while sober, in addition to being struck with many profound insights, sensations & images that flash in my psyche like a plasmic lightning bolt from the 4th dimension.

It's just frustrating how, once again, the one thing that seems to work wonders for almost everybody else, largely speaking, may as well be poison to me. Originally I saw it as a solution to my long standing anhedonia and to make modern entertainment fun & stimulating again, but with the way things panned out, that didn't happen. It just pisses me off, since I need something like marijuana more than anyone, but, just my luck, in my hands it's a fucking nightmare. What relief is there to be had for someone like me? I just don't know. I have absolutely zero interest or desire in ever ingesting alcohol of any kind and any other drugs, beyond marijuana, frighten me since, if I reacted so badly with weed, more hardcore drugs would more than likely rip my psyche a new asshole for sure and probably leave me permanently addled in some way. Rather unfortunate because acquiring these drugs isn't much of a problem for me, since I've been on the darknet a couple times before and know how to navigate/utilize the various black market services there that ensures the highest security to myself. It's just acquiring the courage to actually do them, that's the problem. I'd eventually like to try DMT, psilocybin mushrooms and some light opiates, as useless as it is to mention. Kratom is about the best a lightweight like me can hope for.

Funny how there's a moment in the manga when Satou & Yamazaki take some pills (mescaline, perhaps?) and have a nice trip together, only for Satou to eventually end up freaking out and almost lose his mind from the effects of it all. Couldn't help, but relate, frankly.

>I don't even know how my family would react to that, but it wouldn't be pleasant. They don't really know me at all.

Sorry to hear that. My parents, by contrast, are quite amenable, all things considered. There's not much I can't talk about or share with them. Then again, I'm quite boring & Dilbert-like, so there's that. Literally the classic shut-in who just sits around and watches re-runs of Star Trek all the time. And, these days, I can't even do that.

>But at the same time, I have talked to people that understood what I had to say, at least online, so people like that definitely exist, so it's not absolutely hopeless.

I don't see the use. It's all just words on a screen that changes nothing. People are just figments & phantoms to me. No matter what I say, or what I read, I'm always left feeling empty, hollow and hopeless.

>>7207

(Continued from above….)

>That scene is so horrifying that it ends up being comedic.

Yeah, I suppose so. I've never played any sort of MMO (although I was involved, many years ago now, in the "meta MMO" of achievement hunting for a little while, which had me do many ridiculously insane, upwards of 100+ hour grinds, to increase my digital stamp collection), but just the thought of finding myself that old, that far gone, that fucking fucked beyond belief. The sheer horror of envisioning such a scenario makes my gut turn into so tight a knot, that it may as well hang in my chest like an anvil.

>If Satou didn't do anything, she would definitely have died. At least she gave her a chance of finding some happiness.

Assuming she never met Satou in the first place, would she have though? Perhaps, but it can be argued that the pain of feeling Satou's rejection pushed her over the edge and made her feel totally worthless in a way she might not have felt had they never met. Even so, as Satou himself even says, what's so bad about dying anyway? To live on, is just to suffer more. Making the same mistakes and experiencing the same agonies. They should have both just lept off that cliff together. At least, that's what I'd want to do in his shoes. In the show they just did it out of sync.

>>7214

>Anyway, just think about how annoying eating actually is. It's a huge waste of time, and your life would be much better if you didn't have to do it.

Naw I love eating, it's literally the best part of my day and I try to do it as much as possible. I'm a true glutton through and through.

>diet advice

Like all fat people I've been on a hundred diets and I'l do a hundred more. I've gained and lost hundreds of pounds on multiple occasions. I fucking despise being fat, and fat people in general. I view it as a physical manifestation of weakness. I think I'l stop being fat in the near future when I stop having money to pay for excessive food.

>I think you are probably prone to addiction in general. Definitely don't drink alcohol.

I don't think I'm prone to addiction. I drink alcohol occasionally, and certainly had times in my life where i got blackout drunk ever night. I have no urge to drink though. I'm completely neutral towards alcohol. I've tried opiate pills and went off them with little to no urge to continue. I wouldn't even say I'm addicted to mmo's, as I constantly stop playing them when there is nothing left to do. I'm just trying to pass the time.

>Sleeping is terrible as well, and everything makes it difficult for me so it's even worse.

I fucking love sleeping. I try to get 12 hours a day and if it was possible I'd sleep forever. When you sleep 16 hours a day it really fucks with your sense of time, its one of the most comfy feelings i've ever felt. Not knowing or caring about time.

> I have just made a tunnel from the ocean all the way to hell

I haven't played terraria since it was released but didn't hell not allow water? Like the water would just disappear near the hell realm.

>>7219

(Continued from above….)

>In a way, what I want is to completely melt and become one with someone else, so I can't be that attached to the self.

I've always loved the idea of that as well, and have fantasized about something similar many times. Being fluidically connected to someone else and having our skulls, bones, muscles pass through each other like jello. No secrets, no fears, everything laid bare. Fusing together to form something new. In my case, the Great Link of the Founders from DS9 comes to mind and more specifically how Odo could link with another of his kind and completely lose himself euphorically in it.

>I only do it in games that I like a lot, if I care enough

Same here, although, even after all this time, I sometimes find myself going after achievements I'd otherwise rather not bother with. For the most part however, I just ignore them.

My poison used to be the PS trophy system. When I "retired", as it were, I had 18 000+ trophies, 300+ platinums, 700+ ultra rare trophies (one of the highest globally at the time), and a completion rate of over 97%. Eventually I hit a breaking point and just couldn't do it anymore. Since then I've pretty much exclusively been playing on PC.

>she was miserable to begin with, so she would just be like that possibly for the rest of her life if she didn't find anyone else.

Fair enough, but, personally, I still think that misery was only enhanced by their meeting. Call it my own little complex, or whatever, but I just can't help, but see relationships, of any form, as being vehicles for further harm to take place. The best, and only, answer being to avoid it. If there's one right thing I've done in my life it's at least been that. To do as little harm as possible and to remain in the grandstands of philosophical & worldly detachment, having bothered as few people as possible with my miasmic presence.

>Or to hopefully enjoy yourself.

I don't even know what means anymore and, in my case, I doubt it. We're all going to die someday, as so many like to say, so why not just enjoy it? For me, I've always looked at it from the opposite perspective. Why put yourself through needless suffering in the meantime? Why not just end it now and save yourself the trouble of further pain, disappointment & misery? I'd blow my brains right now if I just had the balls to do it. Nothing else matters to me, but that. We seem to look at these things quite differently which, in your case, is certainly for the best, since I'm essentially just a still breathing corpse that's about as uplifting as an old bus filled with burnt, decapitated puppies.

>Only the good ones deserve to exist.

Even then, they'd still be better off not having been there at all, given the horror of universe as it is, even without life.

>I won't reproduce, and I will discourage as many people as possible from doing so.

Kudos to you for doing so. People, assuming they have the capacity to, need to realize the gamble they're taking, and the inevitable lifetime of suffering they're imposing, when they unconsciously choose to replicate their DNA and thereby create another victim for the universe to devour. Peal Jam's "Do The Evolution" is the perfect representation of this planet's past and, soon to be, future (at least as far as the nukes and omnicide, are concerned).

>and it will be your own.

My suffering doesn't matter. Not even in the tiniest degree. I'll resent my own nature, as it deserves to be resented, while continuing to abstain from this world, this universe, of evil. This life I lead, this glorified protest of inaction, regardless of its infinitesimal nature, is the path I'll walk and, although I'd much rather die, continue to walk. To exist, is to cause harm and I won't cause harm. And yet every day I continue to live, I will inevitably cause more harm. Every time I flick on a light switch or enjoy a simple meal, I'm causing harm to something or someone. No matter what I do, I fail. Beyond this, I'll move no further, though. Strange how people don't seem to real to me except for their potential, and very real, capacity to suffer. I guess all of us, in our own ways, are walking contradictions. At least, in this case, it works to everyone's benefit.

>>7214

>I also started eating once a day because I could play more games for longer periods of time and marathon more anime if I didn't waste time on that, and that trained my mind to not care about food anymore.

>Still eating once a day for the most part whether that's healthy or not

I also lost a ton of weight about a year ago just by eating one meal a day and removing all the sugar laden shit from my diet. Which, in my case, wasn't really that much since, even when I was a fat ass, I absolutely hated the continually recurring bothersome chore of having to eat (still do) and never had soda, or most kinds of sweets, junk food & pastries, since I hated the taste of 90% of it. The worst thing that kept me fat by far, personally speaking, was chocolate milk and, more or less, having a glass of it after every meal. Just dropping that alone made a huge difference to me and I probably would've been at a much more stable weight years prior had I just gotten rid of it sooner. The only thing I drink nowadays is water and, occasionally, some almond milk when I feel like having a bowl of oatmeal. I also dropped eating any kind of bread as well and haven't had a slice of bread or a single piece of fast food/junk food in over a year. My Mom makes me tons of healthy meals these days (really came to like brussel sprouts & broccoli funnily enough, after finally trying them for the first time) and, at this point, you honestly couldn't even pay me to eat the disgusting slop I used to pollute myself with. Modern mass produced "food" is simply poison and proper home cooked meals, like the kind I enjoy, are really the only answer. It also helps that I have an extremely weak digestive system which, more often than I'd like, made eating junk food/fast food a literal hell, since it'd be left up to a coin toss whether or not I'd then end up getting crippling gut cramps later on. The kind that have you bowled over on the floor, pretty much totally incapacitated. Increasingly visceral pain such as that, can be, as I found, a wonderful motivator for change.

The idea of Misaki also really motivated me to change since I felt, and still do, that if she were real, I'd need to be as slim as Satou is for her to love me. That loneliness & yearning for Misaki to magically appear in front me if I could just lose the weight kept me going, in some ways, more than anything else.

I also exercised every day for about 5-6 months straight and was pretty much Dae-Su Oh himself for a while there. Started out with intense cardio on our treadmill and then switched to doing mostly strength related kettlebell exercises, among other miscellaneous exercises. Granted, diet is far more important to losing weight than exercise, but I found exercising to be more just something to do to help pass the time and also, on some level, to vindicate myself to Misaki, as she cheered me on inside my own head. In the beginning, I cried a lot after exercising becuase of much it made me think of Misaki and how lonely I was/still am. After a while, I chose to stop because I ended up experiencing what is known as ETD (Eustachian Tube Dysfunction), which caused my left ear to periodically plug up like crazy. My exercises seemed to make it flare up more than usual, but even if I didn't do them it still happened. I came to the conclusion that the natural fat pad in that ear, that helps regulate the eustachian tube, must've become abnormally emaciated, given how much weight I had lost in such a short period of time, and so I needed to let my body acclimate to the new normal and, thus, take a break from the exercises. In the end it was, still is, just something to do. A useless gesture with no real meaning aside from killing time and to distract me from myself. Yeah I lost weight and got a bit in shape, but so what? I'm still locked away inside this house, with no dreams or desires for the future, aside from hoping to die as soon as possible. I'm more psychically fit & limber I suppose, but I never leave the house and I have nowhere to go, so what's the point? I still feel just as shitty as ever. It's all so useless.

Anyway, like you, I still only eat one meal a day, sometimes two every now and again, consisting of some random combination of meat, vegetables & water (my Mom actually makes a lot of different stuff with that, and has cooked a lot of novel healthy meals for me). I've also begun exercising again and am hoping that the ETD I previously mentioned doesn't arise again. I also wish my Mom could find the willpower to start to lose weight herself. She's quite old & obese and I worry for her health. If she were to die, my life would take a major turn for the worse, in more ways than I could even begin to explain.