>be me, 24
>emotionally abusive relationship of two years
>thought they needed someone who gave a s—
>can't leave because money
>in love with someone I can never have
>just got out of homelessness, ruined my cognition
>decent construction job but no direction, no purpose
>debt
>too afraid to be on my own
>afraid of separation
>was always alone growing up
>first time not being alone, emotional abuse
>would honestly rather be homeless for a while than live here
>only thing that gives me purpose is getting finances in order so I can care for my special needs sister
>constant nightmares, no sleep
>Praying for years, I've waited so long
It feels like God isn't even there anymore. I will never turn my back on him, but to live with this crippling emotional state every day for the rest of my life, I'd rather die. I'm trying so hard to make a life for myself and follow Jesus.
He's all that is keeping me from offing myself. I wish I could sense him, something more than a one way prayer life.
I wish I could talk to God.
I wish I had a friend. I wish I could feel love. I'm so lonely. God spoke to me once, he said to hang on just a little while longer. I don't even know what that means or what I'm waiting for.
I don't want to live anymore /christian/, it feels like heartbreak, like someone died, every day, on repeat. It's the ugliest feeling I've ever experienced and I can't make it go away. I'm scared it never will, that I'll never feel alive.