Every day from around 2-6 pm I feel suicidal despair. This has been going on for years. I do cardio and lift regularly, eat healthfully, and have a consistent sleep schedule of 8 hours. I've tried sleeping more but I can't. In the past, I tried every anti-depressant. I ran out of options to try. I tried therapy. I have been to the doctor, and we could only find I had hypothyroidism, but that has been treated for several years and my levels are normal with medication.
I did experience some childhood trauma, but I think over the past several years I've been able to understand it and not be consumed by it.
As a child, I moved away from Christianity because I saw problems with the church, and I did not have good role models. My father and aunt were the most religious people in my life, and they weren't very good role models. My dog had ran away on a Sunday, and my aunt said we could not look for him because we had to go to church. My father and mother were so abusive to one another that I thought they were going to murder each other. They would blame me for the violence as I hid in my room, terrified. My home felt like a torture chamber, and this caused me a lot of problems in adulthood. I went from a fairly happy, upbeat child to a depressed adult who was so nervous I couldn't speak sometimes. This shaped all my choices in adulthood. I also felt like I lost a woman I loved because of it.
In college, I wanted to be spiritual but not religious. I learned about philosophy and various religious, but I felt lost. I tried being very liberal, and engaging in sins that I had previously avoided. I thought if I engaged in these same activities that "everyone seems to do," so to speak, I may feel more connected to people. It did not. I tried being Christian and praying to Jesus, but I felt despair. I became an atheist, thinking science could provide me an anchor, but it did not.
Over the past 3-4 years, like many people on here, I "became redpilled" and started seeing through at least some of the falsehoods of our society. Somewhere over the past several months, I found God. I experienced Him in a way that I never had before, in a way that I knew was true. It was like he placed His hand on my shoulder, so to speak. I am so grateful to have had this experience.
I have been reading the Bible and repenting for sins. I realized in the past, I wanted to connect with God because I wanted to avoid the punishment of Hell. But now, for the first time I strive to be good and repent for the sins I commit because I want to be a good son to my Father. As I write this before going to bed, I can feel God's love.
But during the time of 2-6, I feel such despair. I can't feel God's love. I've realized that the one thing I needed in my life since my chaotic childhood was Love. I don't know why I feel so depressed during this time. It frightens me. It does not matter if I am at work, home, or on vacation.
I don't know what to do during this time to combat this. I feel Satan's presence, especially when I feel suicidal.