Well, don't really know where to start. Wrote here a few times but doesn't matter, I guess I need a place to vent.
I guess it all started when I resisted the urge to pray. That's when I started to change from my, I would say scrupulous self, but I'm not sure if actually was scrupulous, as in, immoderately religious. Don't know if I was happy then, but I remember that when I stopped, I felt something very good. I felt like, a child again.
Nevertheless, after shortening my prayer, this "thought" asked me to get rid of confession, get rid of more and more and more things. Sometimes I did oblige, sometimes I considered it prelest and went back to my old routine.
Well, a that was a while back, now I'm feeling worse than ever. I'm anxious, i'm depressed, i don't have any ambition, hell, I don't even have any sex drive, no appetite, nothing. I remember a time when I was happy, actually, one time I went to a priest to talk about my "condition". I told him how I lost the will to pray, to confess, I don't know, at the end, he told me something (can't really remember what) but, long story short, once I told my self "Well, I just can't do that. I'll do it the way I originally intended to go about things". I just felt better, the actual sadness and anxiety that caused me to go to him just disappeared. I just don't know *what* was the original way i inteded to go about things. I'm just trying and trying and trying to find the thing i should do for things to go back the way they were, but I can't find it. I remember a time where, even though I wasn't ultra religious, I had a conscience, which told me what things I should do and what things I shouldn't. But on the other hand, I was laidback, I was, how do you say it, cool.
Sometimes, I get the urge to go to church. I just try to speak to God, i try to ask him to help me, but I don't know, I don't have any answer. Or, I get some kind of answer, which is maybe just made up by my mind, and then it turns out to be fake, because, I'm just not the same person anymore. And it's freaking me out, because, if i'm not the same person, my girlfriend will leave me. And when I'm not the same person, nothing feels the same. I just feel anxious about everything and I can't seem to socialize with people. When I just try to become religious again, I last for maybe two days, then quit because i don't feel that's the answer.
Some tidbits of religion are left over, but they are absurd. Like, don't listen to the song "Losing My Religion", that's a sin. But on the other hand, i smoke, masturbate and pretty much neglect the fasting rule that's currently underway. So my conscience is somehow pretty warped. What do I do…? My doctor prescribed me SSRI''s. I'm afraid of drinking them due to all the side effects.