/christian/ - Christian Discussion and Fellowship

>>731436

Why doesn't she like sex? Is it painful for her or is there something psychological in the way, or does she find it just plain boring?

>>731439

It seems that she is just not interested in it.

Even though we had this talk many times, I still can't quite understand it fully. After hitting my head against the wall (metaphorically) in these conversations with her, I hinted to the conclusion that I was the problem and that she would probably be way more sexually active if she was married to another more interesting man. She denied it and got really sad for a few days.

I think she legitimately suffers from the fact that she can't satisfy my sexual desires.

It's like when a person is lazy about doing something important and they know this laziness is ruining their life, but still they can't seem to do anything about it. I'm not saying she's lazy, it's just an analogy

Do you have a priest or a spiritual father you can speak to about this?

>>731444

No, I'm a noob. I was raised without religion and just recently started to look into the Bible. I got interested in Christianity and realized that I'm pretty far from God's ways. I have nobody to talk to when it comes to sex or religion

>>731447

I'm a noob too, I haven't converted yet, but I'm attending church. Priests are there to provide spiritual counsel. You don't have to be a member to approach or speak to one.

>>731439

>Why doesn't she like sex?

Because she's not attracted to him, dummy.

>>731450

I can't see myself talking to anybody IRL about this stuff. I have crippling social anxiety and I only managed to date and marry this girl because we're very similar (typical NEET). I'm that kind of desperate NEET looking for meaning, so I have fantasies of self-development, austerity, stoicism, but can't follow through any of it. She's the kind of NEET that doesn't care about anything and wants zero responsabilities.

Well, putting these things into words is making me realize we're just a stupid couple of losers. I guess that's my problem

>>731443

The sissies on this board will not like this, but: Try being dominant. Pull her hair during sex. Slap her ass.

I'm kind of good-looking so girls naturally like me, but when I'm a jerk to them their attraction to me rises exponentially. I used to be a nice guy and I'm a nice guy at heart, but if you want women to be attracted to you you need to play the jerk a bit.

Women love dominant men, women hate weak men. Be dominant and she will love you; keep being a pansy and she will forever despise you. This has nothing to do with religion. This is just how attraction works.

The Bible does say wives should submit to their husbands.

>>731454

Orthodox priests are usually married. The priest I speak with is married with kids.

>>731436

I think the problem is you and your lust, not her and her lack of sex drive.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spiritual_marriage

So yeah, it is the best to accept that God doesn't will you to have sex and try to stop masturbating from now on. Aside from that, it's personal a problem that you probably need to talk about with your wife. Especially if you can't contain it.

Don't listen to this guy >>731458

>>731461

>I think the problem is you and your lust,

The guy has been married for THREE YEARS and has had sex with his WIFE less than ten times.

His relationship is diseased. Frigidity in marriage is a sad, sad thing. Sex is the glue that keeps couples together.

You can sugarcoat it with pious platitudes all you want. The guy's problem is not lust. His problem is an unwilling, unsubmissive wife.

>>731454

I'm sure they've never penetrated a vulva, but priests are hardly virgins :^)

>>731458

I mean, if your whole behavior is calculeted to being pleasing to women then your basically a walking dildo, not a man.

>>731464

but this i agree with

>>731458

>>731461

Guys, you're underestimating my desire to have sex. I've tried being dominant, submissive and everything in between. We've had countless talks about it, and each time I bring up the topic, the resulting frustration and sadness gets bigger.

To say I'm hopeless is an understatement.

>>731464

Contrary to that, it's truly a disease when the only thing that glues a husband and a wife together is sex. His wife has a low sex drive and he needs to accept her condition if he truly loves her. Both the wife and husband has to submit to the will of God, not the will of man or woman.

>>731473

Maybe you should take it to the psychiatrist if your temptation overwhelms you, or pray for strength. Do you think all priests and nuns are born asexual?

>>731475

>His wife has a low sex drive

You're a dummy. She doesn't have a "low sex drive". She's not attracted to HIM.

>Contrary to that, it's truly a disease when the only thing that glues a husband and a wife together is sex.

Even the Catholic Church calls sex "unitive". The funny thing is that there are very holy men who agree with the gist of what I'm saying. Namely, that couples should have sex, and a great deal of it.

Heck, Paul himself admonishes married people not to deny themselves to their partner. This guy's wife is literally disobeying the Bible.

Sexless marriages are loveless marriages. This "love" you are enjoining is that sickly mawkish facade that covers the sad reality of a sexless marriage. When a woman truly loves a man, she can't get enough of him.

>>731480

amen, brother

>>731475

> it's truly a disease when the only thing that glues a husband and a wife together is sex

This is definitely not our case, quite the opposite. Although we're married for around 3 years, we've been together for 8 and, since neither of us was religious, pre-marital sex was never something we actively avoided. Still, sex then was just as rare (if not more rare) than it is today. We're together purely because we are really good and close friends.

>>731484

>we are really good and close friends

So would you say you guys have never really loved each other?

>>731485

We do love each other, and that's what made an 8 year+ sexless relationship possible. But it's getting harder and harder

>>731486

It doesn't sound like it was romantic man-woman love. It sounds like the love between friends who care about eachother. You can't really have romantic love without there being a desire for sex. It's a natura corollary, just like if you see smoke you know there's a fire.

>>731480

>She doesn't have a "low sex drive". She's not attracted to HIM.

How do you know, and what's the difference with that? Low sex drive can be caused by many things, that's one example of them.

>Even the Catholic Church calls sex "unitive".

Yes it is, but sex isn't the only or the most important thing that unites a man and a woman.

>Heck, Paul himself admonishes married people not to deny themselves to their partner. This guy's wife is literally disobeying the Bible.

Sin isn't one sided. Maybe she doesn't bear her responsibility as a wife, but that doesn't mean OP shouldn't bear his responsibility as a husband. A husband has to love his wife unconditionally too, it's the responsibility of them both to love unconditionally. I'm not defending the wife here, I'm just saying that OP has too bear his responsibility because love requires selflessness.

>Sexless marriages are loveless marriages

Are you suggesting that Josephite marriage is false? That would make you a heretic.

>>731484

And that's what you need to keep up. Be patient, read 1 Corinthians 13, and maybe carefully try to convince your wife to love you as you have loved her.

>>731491

It's easy to recite official doctrine on the matter. It's a little trickier to have a solid understanding of real relationship dynamics. You're just the giving the guy some pat "orthodox" advice that is of no help at all to his problem (making his wife want to have sex with him).

You do it because, in true pharisee fashion, you love the pious character you play on the internet more than you love the people you are supposedly helping with your posts. If you truly loved OP, you would try to actually give him some good advice, instead of dredging up some pedantic nonsense about "Josephite marriage".

And like every pedantic pharisee on the internet, it didn't take many posts for you to call me the H-word. Good job.

>>731493

This is /christian/. This is the place where we go to learn about christian teachings. I'm not posting all of those to boast about how pious I am. I'm just posting what I see as objective truth. I'm not calling you a heretic, I'm just saying this to you, as far as I know denying that Joseph loved Mary is a heresy, and doing that WOULD make you a heretic.

This is how I help OP, all I can do as a /christian/ poster is reciting the christian point of view on this issue. I've also suggested him to seek someone with better knowledge such as relationship experts and psychologists. But, if all those still fail, as a good christian OP should do what the Church teachings advise him to.

I know this thread is already unhelpful as hell when it comes to actually getting your wife to enjoy having sex with you, but for the masturbation thing, my best advice is to just fill your day up with things to distract you from it. Also don’t stop praying ever.

But to get more on topic, the fact she was depressed for several days after you pointed out she doesn’t think you’re attractive can go two ways:

-your wife really does love you, and she feels guilty for it

-your wife doesn’t love you even in a chaste sense and she’s starting to realize she might be putting on an act

I really hope that didn’t upset you. I wish you nothing but the best in your marriage, and hopefully you stay together for as long as God intended (‘till death do you part).

>>731497

Yeah man, whatever.

>>731436

Just like St.Paul said, to deny sex to one's husband/wife turns him to sin.

>>731497

>>731493

While you were offering opposing advice, I did get a few things from both of you. Thank you, friends.

>>731499

It didn't upset me, quite the contrary, I came here pretty hopeless when it comes to sex, so I think the masturbation advice is what I really need.

The two ways you point make sense. I honestly believe the first one is the truth, but I could be blind to the facts

Is it possible she might be Asexual? It might sound a bit silly but is it at all possible? Like on a deep down, subconscious level?

I’m just a random dude and know nothing more than what’s been said on this thread, but I figured it was worth suggesting. I truly hope that you guys figure something out. Sex is a beautiful and intimate expression of love between partners. Obviously it’s always possible it really is that she just isn’t interested in sex, but at that point, you have to honestly ask yourself what you want from the relationship and take action

>>731517

Go away, Marcion.

>>731436

For God's sake OP, see a Christian marriage counselor.

To everyone else ITT: pre-marital counseling exists.

>>731436

What if you try lifting weights and if your overweight getting in shape? You should have strong motivation for it and it could stay off as easy as doing stair pushups, lying on the ground and doing leg raises, assisted chin ups, squats, and whatnot. Make sure to be consistent and not hurt yourself being impatient. It is great for your mind, confidence, and obviously strength. You could also try ball room dancing or something else to arouse her beforehand. Quitting masturbating will go well with this as it you get an urge go vent it by lifting.

>>731533

new agers = gives them free sexual license and allows them to just believe whatever they want even to the point of believing in differing laws for different people

St. Paul = clamps down on sexual appetite, warns everyone to stay free from false teachings, is REALLY adamant on separating the perverse from the flock (homosexuals HATE St. Paul), stops Judaizers in their tracks

>>731436

>I hinted to the conclusion that I was the problem and that she would probably be way more sexually active if she was married to another more interesting man. She denied it and got really sad for a few days.

That is the truth mate.

She is probably already cheating on you or she's going to.

My solution? Self-improvement.

Put all your free time into bettering yourself.

Start with getting /fit/ and then move on to develop relevant interests and becoming a responsible person that she can look up to. Being a leftist is pretty much female-appeasement, and no women is yearning for a man who is appeasing her, after all, they get all the positive attention from such men for free.

If you weren't married I'd tell you to dump her, but you just have to deal with her and do your best and hope that she comes around.

So basically stop appeasing her, provide her with the bare neccessities and withdraw from her intimately. Be there for her as a stoic, solid presence that she can rely on, but don't rely on her emotionally, because that will cause her to despise you.

After some time, if you do well enough in developing a stronger character, she will find herself being drawn to you, because

a, she will crave the attention of the "new you"

b, if she feels like you don't need her while at the same time you become more attractive, she will feel like she has to up her game

Do not expect her to change for you. Yes, she should, but she has no respect for you, so she isn't going to do it. You have to take all the responsibility for everything in the relationship, even if it's not just. That will build your character and make you a reliable, strong presence.

If she leaves, move on with your life. If she cheats, divorce her and find someone better.

>>731436

>>731473

>>731484

>>731486

You're dealing with a tough situation, friend. The main problem that I see in your posts, is that you're not putting God first. You need to completely surrender your life to Jesus Christ, get all sin out of your life (including masturbation), and trust that He will get you through this. Upon surrender, Jesus will give you the grace needed to overcome the desires of your flesh.

Now, about marriage, try focusing more on the love that you feel for each other. Little things like telling her that you love her, or giving her a hug or a kiss every now and then can make a huge difference. Make her feel loved and I'm sure you'll see your marriage improve, regardless of the frequency of sex (and who knows, maybe more non-sexual intimacy will result in more sexual intimacy).

And last, but definitely not least, ask God for help. He knows what you're going through and He definitely wants to help you. He won't always help in the ways we expect Him to, but know that everything works together for good to them that love Him (Romans 8:28). He knows what's best for us. Just be a zealous follower of Jesus, a loving husband to your wife, and trust God to do the rest.

>>731457

That's your problem, you are a neetlord with social anxiety, that's woman repellent, it kills their attraction.

Normally you wouldnt have gotten a girl without resolving your issues but you lucked out with that also socially out of tune woman and so you didnt need to become a proper man.

Do it now then. Stop 'having fantasies of self improvement' and do it. Get fit, read the Stoics, get proper hobbies, be responsible.

She wont gain any attraction if you keep doing what you are doing.

Raise your kids according to this video so they dont end up in the same situation.

>>731468

>I mean, if your whole behavior is calculeted to being pleasing to women then your basically a walking dildo, not a man.

This.

This sums up everything about your problem.

If you turn into a tool, you'll be treated like a tool.

>>731468

>I mean, if your whole behavior is calculeted to being pleasing to women then your basically a walking dildo, not a man.

This is mgtow incel logic, marriage requires self sacrifice from both parties. If you're unwilling to please your woman, don't whine when she doesn't please you.

>>731734

Little things like telling her that you love her, or giving her a hug or a kiss every now and then can make a huge difference. Make her feel loved and I'm sure you'll see your marriage improve, regardless of the frequency of sex (and who knows, maybe more non-sexual intimacy will result in more sexual intimacy).

Discard this. If you give her all the attention and love she is already used to, she will not appreciate it. She thinks she is entitled to all of these anyway, to the point that she thinks she deserves them not only from you but from all other men too.

>>731739

False.

MGTOW are not wrong about women, they are wrong about their conclusion. They see an excuse not to rise to the challange where a real man would see another hardship to overcome.

>>731740

The problem isn't women, the problem is modernism. Women aren't men and vice versa, too many beta's have entitlement issue's and want to be treated like a woman by women.

>>731746

>The problem isn't women

Nice strawman. Neither me, now relevant MGTOW claim that women are the problem. They blame modernity and the divorce courts empowering women to be exploitative.

Also, you are an idiot if you reject relevant knowledge about the state of affairs, which MGTOW went above and beyond to explore.

Yes, most of them became depressed nihilists, but their knowledge is still useful.

And yes, good women exist. I am dating one.

>>731740

>>731746

>>731748

The problem is us who expect other people to be our servants even though we're supposed to love them.

>>731740

>Discard this

Ephesians 5:25

Also, this part of your advice is good:

>Start with getting /fit/ and … becoming a responsible person that she can look up to.

There's nothing wrong with self-improvement, and this is definitely compatible with being a loving husband.

However, the rest of your advice assumes that she has no respect for him, that she thinks she is entitled to love and attention from everyone, and that she isn't interested in him specifically, while she could just be uninterested in sex in general. If your assumptions are wrong, then your advice will probably kill their marriage.

OP said that he and his wife love each other and are really close and good friends. So it's pretty safe to assume that she does in fact respect him, and that they're married because they love each other for who they are. The best relationships are based on close friendship, so it would be wise to build upon this.

OP here.

I forgot to mention that she has no problem giving me oral sex. The question I have is: Is it okay to have oral sex with my partner, according to the Bible?

>>731436

Maybe the problem is that she's never had good sex and doesn't know what she's missing.

>>732095

Stop doing that. It's really sounding like she's never had good sex if you're like that. Tip: One of the ways in which pornography is harmful is that it gives men utterly false ideas about what women like and what is normal.

>>731739

I wasn't criticizing pleasing your woman. I was criticizing pleasing women. Not the same thing.

>>731902

>implying that expectations within a marriage are bad

>implying that there are no hierarchies in relationships

Expectations form the basis of marriages.

Fidelity is the cornerstone of all marriages and thus fidelity is a valid expectation.

Children are expected to be produced during a marriage, so sex is a valid expectation from your spouse because that is how children are made.

>>732081

>Ephesians 5:25

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Love doesn't mean spoil. His wife is probably getting all the attention she needs, but she isn't satisfied. The flaw is in her, because she doesn't appreciate the love and attention she is given. The solution is a solid diet of tough love.

>the rest of your advice assumes that she has no respect for him

She doesn't.

>your advice will probably kill their marriage.

Only one of them can kill their marriage, not me.

>it's pretty safe to assume that she does in fact respect him

I reject this. If you respect someone you are attracted to them.

>>732095

Why could that be? Was she raped in the past? If she doesn't enjoy vaginal sex, why not?

>>732104

This is a good post.

Oral sex is not wrong, BUT if she has a problem with vaginal sex, there is a problem.

>>731731

>She is probably already cheating on you or she's going to.

That's a pretty crappy thing to suggest when you don't know these people and have only a tiny bit of information.

OP I would suggest going to church and finding a spiritual father for advice. An image board is not the right place to get good advice unless you're extremely discerning.

>>731436

We will pray for you anon.

Get out with your wife and do stuff, go on holiday with her, go for walks, take her dancing. Maybe a bit of romance is whats needed , and even if it does not improve your sex life , it might substitute it. Maybe, you already do that bu that is what comes to my mind.

Thanks for the support, guys. Specially the prayers, that's a first for me. I'm feeling much better and I'm aiming to become more of a man in this relationship. I wasn't raised to be a responsible man, but blaming my parents would be silly as they themselves could probably blame many other factors. I'll begin by taking more and more responsibility for my life my wife's.

>>732147

>That's a pretty crappy thing to suggest when you don't know these people and have only a tiny bit of information.

No it's not.

When a woman is sexually and emotionally distant it's because they are trying to prepare you for the break-up without actually having to tell you that it's coming. It's their idea of being merciful.

Only an idiot ignores troubling signs.

>>732235

Good luck man. I'm not trying to be cruel or harsh with you, it's just there is a real possibility that you're going to get hurt.

Take care.

>>732287

According to OP she was always sexually distant, so this isn't a new thing.

>>731436

Stop masturbating. All who masturbate are reprobates bound for hell. You masturbate because you are proud. Your wife is obliged under pain of mortal sin to render you the marital debt whenever you want it. You have bodily rights over each other, so if you want to, use it.

Stop using contraception also. Your sex life is dead if she is not getting pregnant.

So, do people really get married just to fulfill their sexual fantasies? After reading OP's post about how he takes dominant and submissive roles and gets blowjob from his wife, I feel a bit disgusted since for a person with low libido like me this kind of lifestyle is a bit incomprehensible. Forgive me OP, I'm not judging you, I'm not saying that I'm less sinful than you, obviously I have my own temptations as well that I need to overcome, but I'm just wondering if this kind of lifestyle could have a place in a matrimony that is supposed to be holy. Did God intend us to do this according to His image? Or am I the weird one here for fearing physical contact and the human body?

>>732449

>am I the weird one here for fearing physical contact and the human body?

Yeah.

>So, do people really get married just to fulfill their sexual fantasies?

Given that sex is only okay in a marriage, yes, that was to be the expected outcome.

The idea that you can get the masses to separate marriage from sex is retarded. Sex is a good thing, it is the drive in life for lots of people, because of babies and because of pleasure. Marriage is created for the purpose of regulating sex and childbirth.

Just have sex with her damn

>>732122

>Love doesn't mean spoil

I didn't suggest OP to spoil his wife. I suggested him to be a loving husband to her, as men are commanded to be in the Bible (in case he wasn't fulfilling that role enough yet).

>She doesn't.

>If you respect someone you are attracted to them.

I think you need to think this through a bit more, because you're implying that people can be close friends without having any respect for each other, and that asexual people could never respect their spouse.

>>732449

>So, do people really get married just to fulfill their sexual fantasies?

Your thinking is twisted. Sexual fantasies is not a goal. The goal is to become one flesh. The sexual part is essential for that, it creates the strongest emotional bonding both for men and women. There's nothing wrong with having sex with your husband/wife. On the contrary if you obstinately refuse to have sex with your wife/husband there is something wrong with you or your relationship.

I do think OP has justified doubts. Perhaps seeking counseling advice would help.

If I was OP I would do nofap first, try to be the best husband I was able, try to be romantic. If that does not help and she still refuses I would talk to her about it(not "I want sex" talk but I would explain that it seems like we're not close to each other and that I want to change it for the better.) She probably is not asexual so hearing out her point of view would be beneficial also.

It's not that you have "right to sex" because you're married. But you have a right to say what you need in a relationship and if this makes you miserable by you two being distant to each other you have every right to voice your discomfort with the situation. This >>732196

Good luck

>>732617

>I didn't suggest OP to spoil his wife.

Yeah you suggested that he continues spoiling her.

Love is good, but she has to grow to appreciate it. Reducing affection is a good first place. Note that I said reduce, not remove.

>I think you need to think this through a bit more

It's you who has to think. I understand your idealism, but this is a real world situation.

>you're implying that people can be close friends without having any respect for each other

And you're implying that her wife is absolutely honest with him.

> asexual people could never respect their spouse

>marry someone who has a sexdrive knowing that you totally don't

>that's respect

No.

Respect would be letting them go, and for the asexual party to either find another asexual person or become a monk/nun/priest.

>>732627

>Yeah you suggested that he continues spoiling her.

The only reason you see it that way, is because you base everything on the assumption that OP was spoiling her in the first place.

>I understand your idealism, but this is a real world situation.

You call it idealism, but I simply suggested him to do God's will and to trust Him with the results. Do you think that's not a solution to a "real world situation"?

>And you're implying that her wife is absolutely honest with him.

Close friendship implies honesty and openness (and respect for that matter) to a certain degree, but it doesn't imply those things to be absolute. So, no, I did not imply that.

>>marry someone who has a sexdrive knowing that you totally don't

>>that's respect

>No.

I didn't say or imply that. You're saying that respect is completely out of the question, I simply implied that it isn't. Also, OP is in the exact same boat. He married her, knowing her lack of sexdrive and his own abundance of it. By saying that she has no respect for him, you're basically saying that he has no respect for her either.

If you invest 3+ hours a week into improving your manhood, then within a year either your wife regains her appetite for sex or you've proven there is something wrong with her. Until this is proven, there's something wrong with you.