I'll try to make this short because if I gave the long answer you'd pretty much get something longer than my life's story. But to say it in a nut shell: I'm having an existential crisis.
When I was younger and more of a heathen, I attempted suicide with a bottle of Advil and whisky. My roommate found me before I succumbed to the poison I have given myself and rushed me to the hospital. I blacked out for a moment, only to wake up in a hospital bed feeling the illness of my foolish decision. I spent some time at the hospital and started rethinking my life, made some changes, found the strength and moved on; time passed and I left that dark place behind. But times I can't help but look back and consider "Maybe I did die?"
I'm not in a bad spot, actually I've never been better in my entire life. I have more positive out looks and a better sense of health and moral standing. It's just that I have debated my existence and reality for a while now and I think I'm starting to see the stage of the play of my life. Maybe it's paranoia or a possible delusion I am unaware of, but there are slight oddities I have experienced in my life time. Heck, maybe it's just I'm becoming more aware of the evils that plague this earth and comparing it to my own life choices. It's just that I am having doubts that my changes of salvation are far to 'lucky' compared to others who were equally/more fortunate than myself that spiraled into degeneracy. I'm not at all stating a "holier than thou" mentality, but recently I have witnessed evils that others would have just ignored or never have noticed, and I'm starting to wonder if my realization of these evils are meant to be.
First off, I think the current concept of hell might be a bit cliche, even for the devil. Immediate fire and brim stone would be too easy and too straight forward, especially for all eternity, and being how the devil loves his tricks, putting the damned soul in a sense of ease first before masquerading them in a disbelief that there is hope and redemption, only to lead to confusion and distrust not just in themselves but in their concept of reality would be much more painful of the soul and enjoyable for him. I'd assume once insanity hits fully and the soul is completely lost then would be a good time for the pokes and prods of pitchforks and baths of fire.
I remember being told that the devil holds power in the mortal realm, so it makes sense to me for him to imitate his realm to deceive the damned. What better way to misguide the Lord's sheep than to take them away from his lands and place them in a replica of his own?
With Heaven, I don't believe the Lord would deal with such foolishness. I'd image the entrance of would be far more obvious and satisfying. Gradma will be there and cake too.
I doubt that you can give me a solid answer to comfort me but I'm left at wits end here. I am only a mere mortal and my want for understanding overpowers me at times. I keep telling myself to not give up to keep being strong and to perceiver and frankly, that's all I can and will do.
tl;dr: How do I know if I'm not already in hell? What if this reality is a trick by the devil?
>inb4 "silly anon, you'd KNOW when you're in hell"