What follows from here, 'wacky' is the only word I know for certain will describe it with some degree of accuracy. As for the rest of the dictionary's entries? Only God can know.
I'm of untrained mind; I don't find writing easy: if I deliver my testimony in keeping with the intention of relating all the relevant points and thoughts in the form of full prose it would surely take me hours if not days; never mind how long it would take you fellows to read it. Instead, I'm going to present the spouses, Me and She, as bullet-point lists and, after that, a third list showing how we figure together. I hope to represent only that which is pertinent to /christian/. The order of points does not represent any chronology.
Me:
– Unbaptized; raised athiest
– Perrenialist period; then realized Christ was the exception and fulfillment of all preceding traditions
–Need to be saved
–Assent to St. Augustine's explanation of Christian sexuality
–Don't believe in divorce
–Don't want to have sex anymore; don't even want to talk to people anymore
–Assented to the murder of my unborn child
–Suspect that with that sin, I threw my whole life away
–Deserve Death, maybe
–Miserable; Christ is my only possible refuge, but I have made myself his enemy
She:
–Baptized; raised Catholic; don't know if she was confirmed; I think she was
–Non-practising; doesn't seem to pay God much mind, though I can't say she absolutely never thinks about Him.
–Killed her child, doesn't regret it: "It had to be done."
–Is willing to do great services for husband's happiness, like buying him an apartment so that he can be alone, away from her, if his peace of person requires it
–Loves husband very much but
Us:
–An on-and-off couple for 5 years before we were married earlier this year
–I've never slept with anyone else; she has, both before we ever were a couple and during one of the longer off-periods when she thought we were gone for good
–Love her very much; consider her a good friend though quite a stupid woman
–Harbor much bitterness against her, but blame myself for everything
–If we separated I would never allow myself to know another woman carnally, I would just live my life in perpetual penance working out my salvation with much fear and trembling, I just want to be alone with God
This has become a mess but I'm at the end of myself. How do I save myself from Sin and Death? I have no one to talk to.