i lost my virginity last night. i’m 18, and guess it’s sort of sad that it took me this long.
i want so badly to connect to another human being in… any way. i’ve clung to the hope that sex would fix whatever the hell is wrong with me, would make me feel something for another person.
i felt absolutely nothing, and then i kissed them goodnight and walked home in the cold.
life is all about the experiences you have with other people. i desire nothing more than to feel something, fucking anything, for another person. i am so tired of being so isolated, but i am just… fundamentally unable to. it’s like everybody is sort of synched up on a certain wavelength that i’m just not tuned in to. and the issue isn’t that i have nobody-- people talk to me, i have people to go out with, etc.
but the relationships are completely meaningless in the end, because no matter what the other person feels for me, i am completely unable to feel anything beyond indifference about them. i just want to feel like…. a human being.
and the worst part is, that i cannot express these feelings to anybody, to vent. i’ve tried to talk about my problems and they just do not understand what i’m talking about. it’s frustrating and exhausting-- it’s as if when i speak to them, my voice somehow just doesn’t reach them. they nod their heads emphatically as if they understand, and then proceed to give an unrelated response, or paraphrase something that i didn’t say. i’ve given up, but now i just keep it all bottled up all of the time and it feel like it’s corroding my guts.
every day i walk to this huge park near my apartment, and i cross over a bridge. i think it’s high enough, and the train tracks below are hard enough, to kill me if i were to jump. i wish i wasn’t such a coward.
thanks for reading my riveting tale.