/x/ - Paranormal

>decide to reorient the car and go straight to the cooking class. maybe I can borrow a friends couch for the night. I'm not staying alone after this shit.

>remember that I have a phone I can use and immediately dial the police

>"boo bOO BEE! the number you are trying to reach is unavailable."

>yea right, I must have miss pressed.

>"boo bOO BEE! the number you are trying to reach is unavailable. please hang up and try again"

>how is this possible? the police not picking up the phone?

>I try again and get the same response

>shit I'll call fred one of my work buddies

>"hello this is fred kimbly and my name is fred and I have been using bathrooms for 32 years and today I have been clean for 3 days"

>fred, this isn't funny I need to talk to you I tell him

>"okay it's not a problem I have been clean and I didn't use the bathroom yet please come to the AA meeting I know you have a problem" he rambles on and I can hear him dropping big ones

>fred stop stepping on ducks you fucking tosser I need to talk to you this isn't funny

>"no, no, hello this is fred and my name is fred and I didn't go to the bathroom for 32 years"

>Hang up on the bloody fucking joker and leave him to cutting shit grenades in the fucking office all night like the bastard he is

>see a few more cars on the street speeding by in the opposite direction but I can't be bothered to stick my head out the window and yell at them that they are stupid and the roads are ice since they are already so far

>get on the lane to make a turn onto the way leading to the hobby class and see a person dressed up in too many layers of winter clothing, probably a very skinny person that looks obese from wearing, two.. n- three jackets? just jumping up and down in place on the turn walk

>look closer

>they are barefoot and jumping on nails

>blood all over the fucking walkway

>nope

>make turn

>make mental note to quit cooking class because it's in what I apparently didn't know is a bad neighborhood

>finally pull up at the place

>this really annoying alarm keeps going off, a really shitty one too, like some poor jackass got a bad deal on a car refurbish.

>decide I'm going straight in as it's clearly not safe out but that shitty alarm keeps going off

>against my better judgement I look up at the lines running on the side and all the crows lined up sitting on them

>only one crow goes CAW at once, and then the next crow goes CAW, and then the next one goes CAW.

>realise this is the fucking alarm

>they just wont stop taking turns going CAW.

>only one bird at once

>noope

>go inside

>cops "gently" arresting some drunk man in formal clothing

>"ay let go of my freedom" he yells sobbing at the police

>quickly ask them about the phone being down

>"it's up, yes we're sure, try it again bruv"

>I try to tell them what happened but this guy is just sobbing so loud

>"I double dunked me blingy bungles"

>half angry that they wont listen to me, half trying to not laught at this poor man I decide to just go to my fucking class already

>take a seat in the front left of the class

>chef ramsey (no relation to the chef on the telly) welcomes everyone

>there's the smell of something cooking in the oven

>everyone asks him what it is but he says it's something he's precooking for the next class

>it's nine

>classes stop at ten so I wonder who paid alot fucking more to get him an hour longer

>okay friends I'm going to teach you how to make a good dip

>he takes out his rounded cleaver and starts cutting some mint leaves

>"now if you can't mince you can't make a good dip or any other decent course"

>"follow my knife and try it yourself on your tables but don't cut while watching me, this is food and cooking for food only and we don't need anyone becoming food and needing stitches like phillip last class"

>phillip still got his bandages on his hand and makes a dumb ass smile

>"okay now just mince your mint and mince it well and then we will add a fresh squeeze of citrus for some vitamin c"

>he begins to look nervous

>"mince your mint like this and you will get alot of vitamin c vitaminc vitamince mincey and vitamincey mince a vitamence vince a mighty c might you c a mince commence mints mince mints come and c we might mince yee for all of your vitamin c"

>one man in the seats says "hey don't worry ramsey it happens to all of us"

>I ask the person next to me "what did he just say?"

>ramsey lifts his cleaver and and cleaves the face clean off his female assistant

>she starts screaming as blood squirts out of her fac… nothing and pours down the front of her white labcoat like chef uniform

>her suffering doesnt last long enough to really sink in as he cleaves her in the neck over and over and over until her head falls off

>her body tumbles to the ground

>he stares still rambling "mince a mince a mince a mince a "

>his head turns without his eyes moving and his gaze meets us. he stares blankly into the entire class. his white chef top splattered with blood and minced mint

>he starts a fast and dedicated and very intentful walk towards the rest of the class

>jason just picks up his pot full of boiling frying oil and throws it at chef ramsey

>ramsey just stands there as all his skin melts off

>he blindly fumbles over back to the kitchen area

>"OVEN MITTS RINSE FRESH OVEN BITS"

>he stumbles and falls onto his knees and falls over grabbing the handle of the oven opening it as he falls

>he's dead.

>the oven is full of roasted feet

>just feet

>we hear the sound of a hundred military helicopters fly overhead and all the windows shake

>someone flicks on the class radio and we hear the radio man saying KILL IS KISS! KILL IS KISS! before it cuts out.

OP, how fucking high are you?

I laughed at the part with Fred, however.

Not scary at all, but at least you're trying to learn English, I guess.

>>31178

this should be a meme

>>31146

creepypasta

but more like some high perverted 12 year old kid written it to make it like a trollpasta

wow you don't like creepy pasta? that's probably because you're all actually shit. -8chan.

what are your criticisms? none of you made a good argument besides saying it wasn't good.

what are you favorite parts?

did anyone get it?

>>31186

Why do I keep seeing retards with no English skills posting on /x/?

Stop with the fucking line breaks and learn how to use capital letters and grammar, please.

Your pasta was shit because you're a fucking autist who has no command over the English language, leading to your story being fucking disjointed as all get out. There is no cohesion to the plot, the characters come and go wildly, you randomly insert lines that have no bearing on the rest of the story, and have no impact on the reader.

That's just what I can remember from reading it last night; I'm sure there's more problems.

>>31193

t. professional creepypasta critic

>>31146

>copying pontypool

>>31193

I know a few languages, but you are just assblasted that my story is

>>31218

>copying pontypool

a great fan tribue to pontypool. nailed it.

good job anon.

I would like to read more /x/ anon variations on my fan tribute to pontypool, and I would like to see if others can do better than I can. I'm also suprised that we don't get more zombie apocalypse greentext user made stories on /x/ just for fun you know?

/x/ is so slow. I'm so mad.

>>31275

thats what they all say

>>31337

don't you believe it