My story of porn addiction, don't be like me.

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File: 61a53efcf56ec2e⋯.jpg (28.56 KB, 599x448, 599:448, AltF4mylife.jpg)

My story of porn addiction, don't be like me. Anonymous 04/25/19 (Thu) 13:21:44 No.16546

Alright so this is something I have been struggling with for a long time now.

I guess I should start off with my story…

My first journey with porn began at probably 11-12 years old where I'd spend some nights watching very mild softcore porn on late night cable (LOL REMEMBER THAT SHIT…..). As time went on, my porn usage began to increase. All throughout high school I was always chubby social outcast with extremely low self-esteem (led me to eat compulsively) and I have never really managed or deemed myself worthy enough to pursue any girl (especially after being made fun of for my physical looks a few times, being pantsed in public by your best-friend and having people see your tiny dick, having your dad tell you to stop wearing tight underwear even when they weren't because he saw your dick was still the size a button at 16). During this time I would masturbate daily, sometimes going more than 2-3 times a day. Fast forward to college and here I am surrounded by all kinds of beautiful women. Once again, now skinny I felt as though this is the time to change my life. Well after a few months I'd realize that once again I wasn't the cool guy, rich guy or good looking guy and I would never manage enough courage to ask any of the girls I found attractive (4-6s/10) and had crushes on. This would cause the cycle of feeling useless and lonely to begin all over again. I'd just like to add that I am the youngest of my whole family (both sides) and all my relatives are 6+ years older than me. So when I say I was alone I mean being the guy that has friends but is never really "in" or "part" of the group who then goes home and has no one to relate to ZERO. I was never cool, never popular, never even really had people take somewhat of an interest in me especially women. Maybe it was because I looked like I was 12 until I turned 20 i don't fucking know but it is what it is. This said, what I would do instead would go home, fantasize about girls and masturbate repeatedly to straight porn thinking about this girl…

As time went on at now roughly 16 years old, I notice my taste in porn changing; Maxim magazines, lesbian, anal, milf, incest, rape, amateur, cam, beastiality, pissing, ETC…. I would spend hours a day, especially in the summer looking for more and more porn.

As I begin to get tired of one type I'd move onto the next. Oh yea and during this time I would always stay home and rarely go out with my friends and now that I look back on this I realize I missed out on my prime years for developing ANY type of comfort or "game" so to speak with women. I probably was a pussy but I also know that my younger self was also not a dumbass so add that with the fact that I already knew that MOST women would have 0 interest in me physically (Im talking about 4-6/10 women not models…) and the cycle began again. Now back to my porn usage… It's 2012 I'm in my early twenties, never had a gf, kissed only 2 women and of course never had sex with anyone other than my right hand.

pt.1 because body is too long

Anonymous 04/25/19 (Thu) 13:23:24 No.16547

File: 1545402ea9c2189⋯.jpg (11.82 KB, 300x225, 4:3, jpg.jpg)

pt 2

It was at this time that I began questioning myself, "am I gay?", "am I terrible with women because I'm actually gay?" etc… So now with this thought constantly probing my mind I began to become extremely anxious, as I have always found myself wanting to be with a women and never once have I felt romantically or sexually inclined to pursue a guy. As my porn usage continued to consume my free time, I started to get into Shemales (xer xez appache choppers if were being PC). I remember what got me curious about them was that gif online of the transexual being penetrated with a counter of dick spins… (I"ll stop there). I was slowly becoming hooked, and I was now spending hours ctrl+T'ing countless videos of transexual pornography. From shemales to ladyboys you name it I was jerkin to it. After a few years of this I got into ladyboys and then crossdressers and then traps/femboys (4chan) and now a bit of gay porn. Eventually porn would not do it for me anymore and I would begin looking at Craigslist ads for encounters. This has led me to have sex with shemales twice and trying once with a guy, which I did not enjoy at all. I regret that I reached a point like this in my life but it's something I must accept (but will never forget and will NEVER forgive myself for but its in the past just forget it… nigger I loved my Grandparents and now they are dead and in the past am I suppose to just pretend they never happened? Stupid fucking quote and ideology imo).

As for my porn use it would almost always interfere with my grades (was a smart kid 85-95% grades), would sometimes miss class because I stayed up late jerking it over and over, often never ejaculating… Every time I would ejaculate, I'd go from feeling this rush to feeling like absolute garbage. It felt as if as I was opening new tabs and looking for more vids I'd begin to get this feeling of adrenaline (tough to explain) as if I needed to just find that 1 more thing to push me off the edge. I would then begin to read about "coming out" stories and taking gay tests etc to see if I can relate, but I just never felt like this was helping me out. In fact I would just begin to question myself again and repeat the cycle AGAIN.

To relate to this, I had already tried nofap in the past for a few weeks and It has helped me. During this run I did end up meeting a girl I liked, but when I went over to her house I became EXTREMELY nervous/intimidated. We were on the sofa at one point and all she was doing was sitting beside me our legs touching and I was feeling very aroused and beginning to get a full body rush as If I wanted to throw her onto the bed etc. I came in like 30 seconds of seeing her naked and felt incredibly embarrassed and repeat cycle.

I went from "no girl would ever want me because im fat" to "no girl would ever want me because Im a virgin", to "maybe no girl wants me because I am actually gay"…

I have nothing against gay people, lifestyle etc, but when It comes to getting off, shemales and femboys give me this rush feeling. I never get this feeling towards men in real life. I mean I can notice a good looking guy and get a bit jealous of not looking like him (again low self esteem) but I have honestly never felt in love or had a crush on a dude nor would I ever want to have sex with a guy (while sober/everyday life).

The reason why I am writing this post is that I am getting older and have just have been going off the deep end again. I have read many threads where they say I reboot will reveal your true sexuality but after masturbating to femboys and ejaculating (and then masturbating again 2 minutes after) I don't have a feeling of pleasure or peace of mind but I honestly feel my arms shaking and mind is just a big blur as I did at the height of my addiction.

I'm, sorry for the long post but I just thought it'd be good to share my story.

PLEASE for the love of anything, stop jerking off. If you are a teen or struggling please look for help whether it'd be here (ya I know, help from a chan board… But really this place is great for getting a dose of reality that isn't cover in sparkles). PLEASE DO NOT let this become an addiction, I have regretted it IMMENSELY and would just like to share my story and hopefully prevent someone from ruining their best years and becoming a complete shell of a human. YES I have tried to be positive, but the longer you let this drag out the worse you will get and I do not recommend it. I am trying to go back on NoFap not really for women anymore as that ship has sailed but will be doing to continue trying to improve my life and avoid falling back into that cycle which will in no doubt eventually lead me to end it by 40yo)

I wish you guys and girls the best, don't become a loser like me, good luck.

Anonymous 04/25/19 (Thu) 14:51:52 No.16549

Nobody is naturally attracted to shemales, it's a fetish. If you go a long while without any exposure to it your fetishes should disappear. Anyways, you seem obsessed with getting approval from women. I'm not saying you should be some incel mgtow asshole, but you shouldn't let not having a gf control your life and define who you are. And it's especially not wholesome to obsess about having sex.