/monster/ - The Last Bastion of Romance

“Shit, Walmart is having a sale on spam and Bits & Bites? I gotta get in on that!”

“You imbeciles!” Church spun around and faced his crew. “Have you forgotten why we do what we do?”

Marshall and Cheslav were quiet. It had been a year since they started doing this whole ‘panty raid’ thing. It was fun, if a bit risky. Even though Church wasn’t the most savory character he was an effective leader… sometimes. If the panties themselves weren’t rewarding enough, the rush was.

Though, they both knew that wasn’t why Church stole panties. They had since forgotten that.

“Uhhh, because it’s fun?” Marshall guessed.

Cheslav stayed silent, as he preferred to.

“You’re both unprincipled fools, you know that?” Church sighed, dragging his hand down his face. “It’s not about having fun, it’s about sending a message. A message that lets the monster heathens in this school know that they can’t just take a male’s submission for granted. We won’t be wooed by their feminine wiles, or allow their rape-happy behavior to go unchecked. They want to harass us in class, we take revenge on them at night. Tell me, you both don’t want to be claimed by Rapey Rachel do you?”

Both guys shook their heads.

“You steal panties, because it’s our way of rebelling against their hedonist grip over our minds! It’s our way of saying ‘fuck you slag, I won’t have any of your poor attempt at courting.’ You’re not idiots are you?”

“No, no we aren’t.” Marshall answers.

“Yes you are, actually. But you’re my idiots. I chose you two because you have a very particular set of skills.” Church turns to Cheslav. “Chap, you’re able to procure anything I need within a day. I don’t know how you do it, but you save me countless hours… days even.” He then turns to Marshall. “And you, you’re a 6 foot 4 yankee with retard strength, if I need a monster taken care of, I turn to you.”

“My ‘retard strength’ ain’t very useful against the stronger monsters, I usually-”

“You still distract them, that’s all I need from you.”

Marshall grumbled.

“So let’s do this, for our honor, and for our rebellion against the monster menace!” Church rallies, his voice full of morale.

“Oh, boy.” Cheslav cheered, though his voice was as devoid from enthusiasm as Marshall’s.

* * *

Esther was walking home from her night class- just before midnight. It was likely that all her roommates were asleep already, so she had to be quiet so she wouldn’t wake the- what the fuck?

There were three men walking down the sidewalk, gas masks over their faces and ear plugs sticking out of their ears. Also… were they wearing two eyepatches each?

“Marshall you fool, stop walking into me. You’re going to run me into the street!”

“Well excuse me, partner. I was the one that suggested we wait until we’re at the dorm to put the eyepatches on.”

“But what if they’re expecting us and stage an ambush! We’ve got to be prepared, boy.”

“Comraaades, of where did you go?”

“Is Chap lost again?”

“Yeah, jus’ a second Cheslav, I’ll bring ya up here.”

“Of thankings, Marshall.”

“Just hold onto the back of my shirt if that helps ya any.”

“Hold it boys, I think I’ve found the wall.”

“Alright, let’s follow it to the back.”

“Careful, don’t make too much- ow! What did I say about running into me Marshall!?”

“That wasn’t me, that was Cheslav.”

“Apologies, tovarisch.”

Only two things ran through Esther’s mind. ‘What the fuck am I watching?’ and ‘Why the fuck am I watching this?’ She turned and walked away, having decided not to bother telling her friends, figuring they’d think she’d gone off the deep end.

Once the trio had reached the backdoor, they took out their earplugs since they would have to whisper from now on. The plan was to jam them back in if they saw a gandharva wake up.

“Alright, this is the back door. Now all we need to do is-”

Click

“Shit, it’s locked.”

“Locked? Well dang it. How are we going to get in?” Marshall asked.

“Wait, check the windows!”

“This will take considerable stealth, and you know how I don’t really excel at stealth.” Marshall said, twiddling his thumbs.

“Well then somebody should have gone on a diet.” Church spat.

“Goddamn dude.”

Cheslav lifted the windows upwards, opening them with little effort.

“Jackpot, lads.” Church whispered. “Now, Chap goes first, then we will both help Marshall in, then I’ll go in last.”

“Da, one moment.” Cheslav surveys the window, then climbs inside, taking care not to raise any alarm.

“Put ass in gear, cowboy.”

“Alright, you pull me through while Church pushes me up.” Marshall reminds him.

With a few moments of effort from all parties, Marshall’s large frame is pushed through the window. In turn, Marshall pulls Church in by his arms, and they’re all in the dorm. They slip one of their eyepatches out of the way so they have at least some idea of where they are.

They’re in a bedroom, a sleeping gandharva lies about ten feet away from them. And next to her, a dresser filled with panties no doubt.

“We’ve done it lads, what luck.” Church whispers. “Nothing like a nice easy heist to break in the new semester.”

“We are not out of Chernyayevsky woods yet, tovarisch.” Cheslav warns, gesturing to the sleeping gandharva who stirs gently.

“Oh shit. Quick, if we hurry we won’t need to cover both our eyes again.” Church hissed. Marshall reacted first, opening the drawer and stuffing handfuls of panties into a backpack that Cheslav was holding open.

“Mmmmnnn…What’s all the racket? Esther is that… you?” The gandharva yawns, pausing when she opens her eyes and sees three men in gas masks wearing eyepatches.

“Quick, the earplugs!” Church snapped, prompting the three men to stuff the orange pieces of foam back into their ears.

“O-oh, are you here to have sex with me?” She whispers, though with their garb she assumed they didn’t want to see, hear or smell her. “…A-am I really that ugly though?”

“What?” Marshall asked, pulling out one of the earplugs.

“No! What are you doing, you bumpkin, you’re going to get swayed by her charms! Oh, blast it all. Let’s go Chap, Marshall can learn not to deviate from the plan on his own.” Church pulls Cheslav by his arm out the window, panties in tow.

“W-wait! Don’t leave- …Without… me.” Marshall reaches out to the open window, but before he can get close, the gandharva wraps her fluffy arms around him.

“Aw, fiddlesticks.”

“Wait, don’t leave yet! I need to know… why did you steal my panties? You know, if you had just asked, I would have given you mine.” She giggled.

“That ain’t the point, miss.” Marshall said, scratching the back of his head nervously. He hated explaining himself to the girls, it was just awkward.

The gandharva tilted her head. “So, why did you steal panties if you didn’t want them?”

In situations like these, Church had given him a canned response to use. “Erm, to send a message or some shit idunfuckinknow.”

“You’re a very confusing man.”

“You should talk to the others if you think I’m confusing.”

Silence.

“So…” She twiddled her wings. “Are we going to bang?”

“’Fraid not, I have to rendezvous with the others.”

“O-oh.” She looked down, dejected. “W-what if I sing you a song~” She croons, reaching up to touch his face. That was his cue.

“That’s what these are for, ma’am.” He said, stuffing the earplugs back in and hurdling out the window, leaving the poor gandharva to her own devices in her room, now several pairs of panties short.

“Aww. All the dreams I’ve had of getting fucked in my own dorm and I get the panty raiders.” She pouted, folding her arms.

* * *

Back at base, which was an abandoned portable classroom that the school no longer had any use for, all three of them had gathered around the table that lay in the middle of the room.

“Well boys, despite our complications we managed to make off with a good haul. I believe this one-” He held up a particularly new looking pair of beige silk panties. “-will be the one we hang up on the Wall of Triumph.” He beamed, then opened up a drawer that held empty picture frames with glass coverings. He carefully slipped the pair of panties inside, taking great care to keep them properly aligned and pressed relatively flat. Once it was situated in there, he hung it between the ‘f’ and ‘h’ sections of panties they’ve raided. They had a slot reserved for one of every species, though realistically they only planned to hit one or two of the “ultimate challenge” dorms.

“I think this calls for a celebration. PRUDENCE!” Church called, picking up a bell on the table and ringing it. “Get us a pot of Lady Grey- the lavender kind, one milk, and no sugar this time, woman.”

“You can bring a bowl of sugar cubes to the table.” Marshall adds. “And a cuppa ice.”

A small kikimora dressed in a culinary class maid outfit that was standing in the corner snapped to attention as Church literally yelled at her when she was less than thirty feet away. “C-coming right away, master!” She skittered off to the portable that was connected behind this one, which used to be a miniature kitchen. It was filled with snacks and other goodies that Cheslav kept stocked regularly.

“So. Who will be our quarry next, gentlemen?” Church spreads out a list that had the names of all the species of monsters that attended the college. “We’ve conquered the zombies, alps, gnomes, fairies, charbydis, centaurs, bicorns, barometz, gargoyles, holstaurs, angels, goblins and asparas. Now that we can cross the gandharvas from the list as well, I think it’s time we looked to more… ambitious runs.”

“Well, how ‘bout the Ushi oni?”

“Jesus christ, what are you thinking. I said ambitious, not suicidal!”

“I was just suggestin’ partner.”

“Well then, avoid ‘suggestin’’ in the future. What say you, Chap?”

“Cheslav wants to do alps next.”

“Christ Chap, are you a homosexual? We’ve already hit the alps! Are you planning on becoming one yourself?”

Cheslav looks down. “Alps were nice…”

Just then, Prudence came in with a tray containing a kettle, several cups of steaming tea, a bowl of sugar cubes and a glass of ice. “Are you wondering who to hit next?” She asked, giving Church his cup and passing Marshall his glass of ice, sliding the sugar cubes towards him as well. She passed Cheslav and shuddered. There was something about him, something that made her nervous around him. “H-hey Cheslav, here’s your tea!” She placed a cup in front of him.

“Of thankings, tovarisch.”

“Quiet woman, we aren’t asking for your rubbish opinion.” Church snapped. “We need to get more field experience before we hit the particularly dangerous dorms. We need a dormitory with a high population and members that aren’t impossible for a human to subdue.”

“Like alps?” Cheslav asked.

“Oh shut your mouth, you flaming poof.”

Marshall, watching the two argue, quickly grabbed a handful of sugar cubes and furiously stirred them into his tea. Once they were sufficiently dissolved he poured the hot tea into the ice cold glass.

“JESUS CHRIST MAN, WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO THAT TEA!?”

“Makin’ it drinkable.” He replied, taking a small sip.

“You make me sick.”

“You know what is not sick?” Cheslav piped in.

Marshall turned to Cheslav. “What would that be?”

“Alps!”

“We ain’t hitting the alps again. How about them wurms?”

“I’d rather not have to use a wheelchair to get around, thank you.” Church quipped, taking a pretentiously small sip of his tea and holding his pinky up.

“Alright, what about the elves?” Marshall suggested.

“Hmmm, they are a populated dorm, and I know I’d be able to take at least six of those knife-eared hippies myself… Let’s make a plan of attack then.”

“How about an afternoon strike? Most of ‘em take either early morning or late night classes and so most of ‘em are asleep around six PM.”

“Six-a-bong, is it? We get out of classes at four, so we need to prioritize speed instead of stealth. We can afford to get caught, but if we stick around too long, those damned beatniks might overwhelm us.” Church ponders. “I think this calls for… Lady Lifts-a-lot.”

“You know, you really oughta change that name.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, you petulant fool, I chose that name because it properly describes her noble work.”

“Cheslav also likes name as it is.” Cheslav added, taking out a flask from his pocket and pouring some of its contents into his tea.

“See? Even the Russian dog agrees with me. So it’s settled then, we hit the elf dormitory this Wednesday at six in the afternoon. And if you must take advantage of that Bits & Bites sale, please do it before then.” He rested his face on his hand. “Meeting adjourned, clean up the sugar that Marshall left on the table Prudence.”

“Yes master.”

END OF CHAPTER 1

>>215314

This seems pretty fun so far.

I hope there is more coming soon!

It was a quiet afternoon, some of the students were walking to and from their afternoon classes and amidst the crowd of students were the trio of panty thieves.

“Alright, it’s 5:50. We can reasonably expect a majority of the elves to be asleep at this time. Chap, the binoculars.”

“Da, right here comrade.” Cheslav pulled out a pair of what he had described as ‘X-ray’ binoculars and handed them to Church. It seemed the elves were more active than they anticipated, a large number sitting in a circle on the lower floor.

‘Probably singing a bloody kumbaya song or something.’ Church thought to himself. By his estimates, there were approximately fifty elves total. Aside from the human dormitory, it was the largest one.

“Alright, slight change of plans.” Church handed the binoculars back to Cheslav. “Chap, take Lady Lifts-a-Lot and station her on the northeast corner of the building. Marshall and I will go to the northwest corner for our entry. We enter through the second story window, I didn’t see any elves there.

“Wait, second story? How do you reckon we get up there without alerting the elves?”

“It’s simple, Marshall. I hold onto your back and you use your loutish strength to scale the wall. The little tree huggers have ivy running up the entire thing, so you won’t have any shortage of places to grab.”

“You might be overestimating my abilities a bit, partner.”

“You’d better pray I’m not, because you climbing that wall is our only ticket in.”

“Hope I still got it, then.” Marshall muttered, remembering his days on the military obstacle training course.

“Very well, let’s hop into action then. Chop chop!” He snapped his fingers, Cheslav ran with his arms behind his back off to where Lady Lifts-a-Lot was being held, while Church and Marshall bumbled their way behind the elf dormitory to the northwest side.

“You see that window right there, Marshall? That’s where you’re going to climb. And for God’s sake, do try to be quiet. I don’t want them to catch us with our trousers around our ankles.”

“I’ll do my best, partner.” Marshall cracked his neck, then his knuckles. “Don’t suffocate me when you’re hanging off my back.”

“I too will do my best, partner.” He wrapped his arms around Marshall’s shoulders. “Now, do your magic.”

Marshall sighed, approaching the ivy wall and grabbing the vines. They were thicker than normal ivy- likely to be some species native to their homeworld. Feeling somewhat more confident, he began to pull their combined weight up the wall. It was less trouble to pull both of their weights than he had thought, but as he got closer and closer their destination, he began to realize just how high off the ground he was, and the confidence in his grip faltered.

“Don’t fail me now, Marshall! We’re less than ten feet away from that window.”

“I-I’m tryin, it’s hard to concentrate knowing I’m one misstep away from certain death.”

“Tighten your grip, lad. Pretend the ivy are all ‘gubbamint officials’ trying to take away your guns.” He mocked.

“You can pry them from my cold!” He grabbed a handful of ivy and pulled up, bringing them several feet closer to the window. “Dead!” Another handful of ivy brought them just above the windowsill. “Hands!” He grabbed the edge, pulling himself up while simultaneously sliding the window up and pulling them inside the bathroom.

“Drat, it’s not a bedroom. Oh well, jolly good work Marshall. Let’s get to work, we don’t have much time until the bloody hippies hear us.” He hobbled out of the bathroom, searching for an empty bedroom.

As the two of them quietly snuck down the hallway, Church noticed in one of the open rooms there was an elf, nose deep in an old-looking book. He pulled Marshall to the side just out of her view.

“Bloody hell, do you think she saw us?” Church whispered, peeking around the corner. The elf was still quietly reading, it looked like the cover said “Rape Fantasies Vol. 23” or something. Her eyes drifted from her book to Church’s face, then back to her book, then snapped back to Church’s face.

“Shit, we’re too late. Marshall, subdue her!” He ordered.

“On it, partner.” Finally, a monster that he had a chance to actually restrain. He approached the elf as quickly as he could while still treading lightly, the elf looking around the room nervously. “S-subdue? O-oh my!” Thinking quickly, she took off her reading glasses, stood up and dropped them on the floor, bending over to pick them up. “I dropped my glasses, I can’t see anything without them. Ooooh, dear, If a big, burly man were to subdue all my holes, there wouldn’t be a thing I could do to stop him!”

Marshall almost stopped advancing, instead stopping in front of her, and picking up the glasses for her. “St-stop that.” He said, handing them over.

“Alright, I’m off to find a bedroom. You make sure she doesn’t alert the others by any means necessary.” Church gave Marshall a salute with his cane and continued down the hall.

Whelp, there Marshall was, in another awkward situation where he was alone with one of the girls. He held her shoulders firmly, but he wasn’t making any effort to restrain her otherwise. She just kind of stood there in front of him. She looked up and played with her hair.

“Sooooo… any means necessary huh?”

“Waaait a minute, before you get any ideas-”

“I’m just going to point out that I can’t tell anybody if you put something in my mouth~” She rubbed the back of her calf with her foot.

“Lord almighty, lady. I ain’t gonna rape ya. I’m not that kinda guy.”

She pursed her lips. “You’re not? But after aaaall that work to infiltrate my dorm and successfully catch me off guard, shouldn’t the winner take his spoils?”

“Look lady.” He pulled out a notecard and pen from his pockets. “You seem real nice and all, but I am not doing this here, where my friend is literally right down the hall. Here, you can have my number. We can go to a nice restaurant, maybe see a movie or somethin, but I don’t… rape women that I’ve only just met.”

“Wellll…” She considered his offer, then stood on her tiptoes to whisper in his ear. “What if I were to alert all the elves in the dorm right now, unless you… made an exception?” She grinned, smugly walking her fingers up his chest.

‘Oh for the love of pete.’ Marshall thought, a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead. ‘Think Marshall, think! You’ve gotten out of situations like this before.’ After furiously racking his brain for a solution, he noticed the rape fantasy book on the floor.

“H-how much do you like bondage, miss?” He stammered.

Her ears perked up. “Bondage? You mean like with ropes and stuff?”

“The one and only! You happen to be talking to a full blooded Texan!” He placed his hands on his belt proudly.

“Oooh! So you can use rope and stuff!”

“Correctamundo! But ya see, I left my rope back at the uh… my ranch! Yeah, my ranch. If you can stay here, completely silent, I’ll come back and show you how to hogtie a lady properlike.”

Her eyes were practically glowing with excitement. “Aww yeah! You got it Mr. Cowboy sir! Where do you want me?”

“Go inside that closet, and don’t you move from that there spot until I come back y’hear?” He said, pointing to the aforementioned closet and thanking his lucky stars that she was this gullible.

The elf nodded vigorously and quickly hid herself in the closet, giving him a conspiratorial thumbs up. He gave her a half-assed thumbs up in return before exiting the room.

‘Wow, I can NOT believe that worked.’ Marshall blew out a gentle sigh of relief and headed down the direction he saw Church go.

Meanwhile, Church had his own problems to deal with. He found an empty bedroom at the end of the hallway, but it was less empty than he had thought. After he had filled the backpack with precious cargo, a wood elf jumped out of the closet, bow in hand. She drew back a rubber arrow, fired, and it connected with his forehead.

“Ow! Damn you!” He picked up his cane and limped toward the elf, thrashing it wildly. “Let’s see how you like dealing with a practitioner of the gentlemen’s martial art: La canne!”

“La what now?” She asked before jumping back to avoid his cane connecting with her face. “Ah! Hey cut it out! Get back!” She tried to keep her distance from the madman, occasionally firing an arrow blindly in his direction. Neither of them were landing any hits on each other, and that’s when Marshall appeared in front of the doorway.

“Ah, about time you showed up, Marshall. I’ve got this hippie under control. You take the goods out to Lady Lifts-a-Lot.” He stopped chasing her momentarily to throw Marshall the backpack.

“A-alright, you got it partner.” Marshall caught the bag and turned to face the window at the far end of the hall, but blocking his way were about ten elves or so. All of them with deep frowns.

“Son of a bitch.”

“There he is, grab him!” One of the elves shouted, the rest of them charged Marshall, closing distance fast.

‘Great, how am I going to get past them? There’s just so many.’ Marshall panicked, it didn’t look like there was much hope of escape, but at the end of the hall he could see Cheslav waiting at the window with Lady Lifts-a-Lot.

‘Well, it’s a long shot, but I just might be able to charge right through them assuming they ain’t more than a hundred pounds or so each.’ He thought, taking a linebacker position that hearkened back to his days playing high school football.

“Right. Here goes nothin’.” He kicked off with his right leg as hard as he could, barreling into the mass of elves and knocking them over like bowling pins. After he turned around to survey the damage, he saw the elves lying in a heap. He had knocked the wind out of all of them.

“Are… are y’all okay?” He was about to check the pulse of the nearest elf when Church barrelled out of the room, the wood elf chasing him and firing an arrow that whizzed past his head.

“Dammit Marshall, no time to give these savages any sympathy, it’s time to go! Chap is waiting for us.”

“Alright, alright. I’m comin’ already!” Marshall started to pick up the pace again, but while Church was somehow able to pass him, the wood elf was gaining on Marshall.

“Throw open the window, Chap!” Church ordered.

Cheslav opened the window and got ready to grab the arms of whoever came out first, and help them onto Lady Lifts-a-Lot.

“Aaaaaaarrrrggghhh!” Church threw himself out of the window, Cheslav caught him and pulled him onto Lady Lifts-a-Lot with all his might.

Marshall was barely able to stay ahead of the elf, and when he threw himself out of the window and grabbed ahold of the edge of Lady Lifts-a-Lot, the elf nearly got ahold of his shirt collar.

“Haha, let’s get out of here, boys!” Church laughed triumphantly, pumping more gas onto their getaway hot air balloon, Lady Lifts-a-lot. All the wood elf could do was helplessly watch as three men made off with her panties.

“See you later, you knife-eared tart!” Church taunted, laughing as they slowly inched higher and higher in the sky.

The wood elf pulled back her bow and fired at them, the rubber arrow hitting Marshall in the rear.

“Ow! What in tarnation!?”

“Better luck next time!” Church continued to taunt the elf, while the elf shot arrows unceasingly at Marshall, being the most accessible target.

“Hey, stop that damn you! Ow! Fuck! Can’t you hurry it along any faster, Cheslav?”

“Nyet comrade!” He shouted from above.

Several minutes passed, Marshall was still getting shot at by the wood elf with troubling accuracy and Church was still taunting the elf.

“Should have been quicker, you…er- bloody… hippie!” He said, though with much less bravado and enthusiasm than before.

After a few more minutes, the wood elf had run out of arrows, and just stared at them, both bored and irritated that they were still this close to her. So close, yet she couldn’t reach them.

“Alright, this is taking too long.” Church conceded. “Chap, throw the rest of the sandbags down.”

“Say what!?” Marshall shouted as Cheslav threw some additional sandbags over the edge of the balloon. Within minutes, they were well on the way back to base.

***

Landing near their base, the trio stepped out of the balloon basket to find Prudence standing by to receive them.

“A-are all of you alright? There were a lot of-”

“Ah, Prudence, excellent timing. Be a dear and fold up Lady Lifts-a-lot’s balloon, would you? She’s delicate, so I won’t be having her sit outside.” Church said, cutting the kikimora off.

“…Yes, master, of course. In the shed again?”

“Damn it all, woman, you know it’s a hangar.”

“Pardon me, master! Maybe you could punish me for… my… oh.”

Halfway through her sentence, Church walked off, beckoning the other men to follow behind him.

Prudence sighed deeply, wishing her master knew how uncomfortable she felt about leaving his side. He could do whatever he wanted, shout at her, throw things… Even if he splashed a pot of tea she’d made wrong back into her face… And then her clothes would get all wet, and he could see through them, and maybe he’d bend her over the table, calling her a bad maid, and…

Prudence shook her head, trying to focus on the gargantuan task ahead of her. The entire balloon took nearly forever to fold up, though she’d been getting faster, what with Master Church asking her to fold it up so often. Maybe he was just testing her, making sure she was loyal and loved him…

And of course she did, how could she not? So handsome, his wonderful accent and he was just the perfect kind of classic master of the house, making sure she knew her place as his maid and nobody else’s. She didn’t want him to hit her, exactly, but there was something exciting about the way he told her to clean the floor when she dropped something, so firm and manly…

“Dammit, what absolutely shite taste!” Church curses, throwing pair after pair of plain, striped, and otherwise mundane panties out of the backpack and onto the floor. “All this work and not a single pair of panties worth keeping?”

“What about these?” Marshall pulled out a pair of tie-dye panties with floral markings on them.

“HA! I KNEW IT! THOSE TREE-FUCKING HIPPIES! ALL OF THEM LOVE THIS GARBAGE! Chap! Fetch me a frame!”

Cheslav opened the drawer and handed Church a fresh picture frame.

Taking the freshly-framed pair of underwear to the wall, Church walks down the line, looking for their place.

“Elves. E. E… E… L… K- wait. Kikimora? When did we…?”

Toward the back of the room, a bead of sweat rolled down Prudence’s cheek. Was he going to notice? Would he like them? It was her best pair, after all, the black ones with the frilly white-

“Ah, must’ve been that Friday we all had a bit too much to drink after the apsara raid. Two in one night, boys! We ought to do it again.”

Prudence’s ears drooped.

“Really? I don’t recall hitting the kikis either, and I reckon I was relatively sober that night.”

Prudence’s ears perked up again, her tail wagging behind her.

“What are you talking about you fool, you were most certainly hammered as the rest of us. You called Chap over there a little cowpoke and tried to brand him with the butt of your cigar.”

“Still hurts.” Cheslav complained.

Her ears drooped once more.

“Gentlemen.” Church turned his back to the table. “We’ve proven ourselves to be at least moderately competent panty raiders. I think it’s time we turned our attention to the less helpless dormitories. Our group is gaining notoriety, but we’re more of a passing rumor than a known threat. We need to strike a dorm that will send an unmistakable message that we are not to be taken lightly. We are not hitting a suicide dorm, just one that holds more risks than the ones we’ve done previously.”

Cheslav raised his hand.

“NO, we aren’t doing the alps.”

Cheslav lowered his hand.

“I’ve got a plan for a higher-value raid- a plan and our wits will get us through. The hinezumi.”

“Ain’t those them kung-fu fire mice? Shit, I don’t wanna have to fight ‘em.”

“Oh, there’ll be no need for that. With… THESE!”

Church dumps out a nearby bag, a number of water-guns and packages of balloons spilling out.

“Now then, pardner, take these.” Handing Marshall two small water pistols. “I believe you’ll find these to be familiar, you brutish cowboy.”

Church takes out a super soaker shotgun and slings it around his back. “This will be my weapon, since I’m the tactical commander of this operation.”

Church takes out another gun, with a pump that fired a continuous stream of water and handed it to Cheslav. “Chap, I trust you to be effective with this weapon. Do not fail me.”

“Da, enemy will not know what hit them.” He cocks the squirt gun, which was empty at the time so it expelled a puff of air.

“Prudence!” Church called out.

In an instant, Prudence was at his side. “Yes master?”

He handed her a glass of water. “Here you are, if one of them gets too close for comfort, splash them with this.”

‘He’s actually including me!’ Prudence thought, a goofy smile plastered on her face. “Thank you master! How else may I be of service?”

“Well, since you did soooo well on the angel mission…” He paced back and forth, pondering what task would best suit her. “…you can carry the extra water.”

“Oh.”

“We will strike Friday morning, they always train in their dojo from five to seven AM. They will all be in the dojo, and so as long as we steer clear of that room we will be golden. The water is just a contingency plan in case one of them is skipping out, or going to the bathroom.”

“Friday morning at five, got it.” Marshall said.

“Da, I come.”

With that, the meeting was adjourned.

Feel free to write more OP I'm interested enough

More OP, please

this is guhreato daze

Prudence a qt

>>216501

More is coming, just gotta finish writing it among studying.

>>216562

Don't worry, take your time if you need to.

Marshall looked up at his clock, still half-asleep. 4:30. He laid there for a moment, unwilling to get up. It was too damned early for his taste, but he really ought to get up, it was already a miracle he’d woken up before his alarm in ten minut-

Suddenly, he felt a wet, disgusting sensation spread over his chest and sheets. Aw shit, was it that goblin he gave his number to? She was always talking about… No, it was too cold for that.

He looked around his mostly-bare room in a daze, the clock on his dresser as usual, his single poster on the wall, unchanged, but… Church stood at Marshall’s bedside, a pitcher in his hand.

“Goddammit, Church, what d’ya think you’re doin’?”

“You weren’t waking up fast enough, you oaf, so I decided to make certain that you did. By the way, your tea seems to have gone off.”

“What? The sweet tea? I made that last night!”

“I assure you, it’s completely undrinkable. Like petrol, really.”

“Fuck, Church, why’d ya go wastin’ my tea?!”

“Well, I seem to recall you yanks wasting our tea. 1773 ring any bells, boy?”

“What in tarnation are you on about?”

“December sixteenth? Though really, you’re wasting perfectly good tea making this absolute tripe at all. Now come along, we have a schedule to keep.”

“You are intolerable! …Hang on, just how the hell did you even get in here?”

“I asked Chap for the keys last night, of course.”

Marshall thrust his hand into his pocket in a panic. His keys were still there, the same place they’d been all night- safe and sound underneath his wallet.

“How the hell did he get ‘em? I’ve had these on me all night!”

“Chap has his ways. Come on, quickly now, your bellyaching has cost us enough time already.”

Marshall could only shake his head, heading to the bathroom to wash the sticky tea off himself.

***

Prudence paced in front of Cheslav’s room nervously. Church had assigned her to ensure Cheslav got up and met outside the hinezumi dormitory. It wasn’t that she minded running errands like this for him, but Cheslav unnerved her. He was so quiet, so mysterious. She didn’t know how he got anything Church asked him to get, and she was afraid to find out.

‘What if he sells weapons on the black market? What if he takes organs from the homeless?’ She worried. Still, she wanted to please her master no matter what he asked her to do. Gathering up the courage, she reached up and knocked on his door…only for it to swing open on its own.

“O-okay…” She shuddered, but collected herself enough to walk through the door. Inside, she saw piles upon piles of newspaper, kraft dinner, and vodka bottles. On his kitchen counter were several empty cans of spam and an enormous bag of Bits & Bites. Lining the walls of his apartment were various old looking guns, kept safely inside shadowboxes.

“H-hello? Cheslav?” She called out, scanning her surroundings for any sign of slav activity. She approached a door that had ‘не впускать’ written on the front. No other doors had anything written on them so she assumed that this must be his room. Makes sense, right?

“Ches… Cheslav?” She slowly turned the doorknob and opened the door, peeking inside. Immediately, she was bombarded with an acrid, oily stench. She quickly covered her nose with both her hands and suppressed a gag.

Just then, an alarm blared throughout the room, thoroughly scaring the panties off of Prudence.

‘Shit! Shit shit shit! What do I do? Where do I go? If he catches me trespassing he’ll cut me up and sell me to a Russian butcher!’ She frantically searched for a hiding spot, but the room was filled to the brim with industrial sized drums, some stacked on top of one another. Wait, that was it! Some of them formed a natural wall she could hide behind! She dashed into the room and hid behind a row of the large barrels.

It wasn’t long before Cheslav came through the door, looking like he had just woken up. “Blyat, alarm loud as always.” He stretched his arms and flipped on the lights. “What caused door to open?”

He looked behind a stack of barrels, searching around for any signs of an intruder. He lifted the lid of one of the barrels and paused, before pulling out a few rifles sitting at the bottom.

‘I knew it, I knew he traded weapons! Why else would he have so many of them hung all over his wall?’ She thought to herself. Maybe if she told Church, he wouldn’t have anything to do with Cheslav anymore! Then again, he was very good at getting… well, anything. Would he really abandon a friend over some illegal weapons trading?

“Cyka blyat, what is this garbage doing in my precious cosmoline?” He discarded the rifles, throwing them into a nearby trashcan.

‘Wait, what?’ Now she was confused, he didn’t sell weapons? And what is this cosmoline stuff he’s talking about? Some kind of drug?

“B-buck cluck.”

What was that?

“Bwok bwk bwok.”

It sounded like it was right next to her. With beads of sweat running down her forehead, she slowly turned her head to the right and saw…a chicken? It squatted beside her, wearing a red star-emblazoned eyepatch and a beret.

“Bwok BAWK!”

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” She shrieked, scrambling from behind the drums of cosmoline and curling up into a ball in the corner. She knew that Cheslav was going to find her and no doubt kill her in some horrible, brutal way.

“Hm? What was noise…” He slowly walked over to where the chicken was, and squatted down. “Ah! Comrade Cluckers! It was you who opened door? Naughty chicken.” He turned his head to the side and saw Prudence curled up in the corner, using her floppy ears to cover her eyes.

“Oi, privyet Prudence. You want Bits & Bites?” He squatted down over her and gave her a few soothing pats on the shoulder.

Prudence didn’t respond, but slowly uncovered one of her eyes. “Y-you’re not going to kill me?”

“Nyet.”

“B-but I…”

“Prudence is friend, not kebab.”

Prudence stopped shaking, and slowly got up off the floor. “O-oh, okay. Whew. That’s actually… I’m glad to hear that.”

“Cheslav will leave for meet-up after he feeds Comrade Cluckers.” He headed to the kitchen and tossed a handful of Bits & Bites on the floor.

***

It was just before five, and all four raiders were hiding in some bushes just outside the hinezumi dojo with their respective water weapons.

“Alright, here’s the plan.” Church pulls out a sheet of paper, then lays it on the ground. “We enter through this backdoor, here. It’s the opposite end as the dojo so we shouldn’t run into any of those hotheads. Marshall and Cheslav, I’m going to set you on either side of the hall as watch duty. If a boxer spots you, you are to fire away and then report to me. Is that understood?”

Cheslav and Marshall nodded.

“Excellent. Prudence and I will steal the panties, then once we have a sufficient haul we are to leave the same way we came in. Piece of cake, really. I don’t expect any hitches in this operation.”

“You said the same thing about the barometz raid, then Cheslav got a whiff of their pheromones.”

“That goddamned… Welshman just forgot to tighten his gasmask. This operation won’t require any kind of sensory deprivation or special equipment, just efficiency and a watchful eye.”

“I guess you’re right, but at the same time, famous last words…”

Church and the gang made their way to the dojo/dorm, opening up the double doors and stepping inside. It was a long dark hallway, with a sliding door at the end.

“Alright, the dorm rooms should be just through those doors. Let’s make haste.” Church hobbles down the hallway, his team following suit.

Once they reached the door, Church braces himself, his cane behind him as he brings his leg up into a kick.

“HA HA-AAAAAAAAH SHIT!” He shouted as he fell flat on his ass.

Marshall stifled a laugh, then placed his hand on the handle to the sliding door.

“Get your hand off of that, I’m going to be the one to open the door.” He insisted, grabbing the handle from Marshall and sliding it open forcefully. “Charge!”

All four of them ran into the dojo where the… wait, the dojo?

“Bollocks! This isn’t where we were supposed to be. How is this right? I couldn’t have possibly-”

Suddenly, it occurred to Church that he had been reading the map upside down the entire time. Not only were they in the wrong place, the hinezumi had stopped lounging around and stood up, staring at the group. What looked to be the head of the dojo began to advance towards Church, wrists and ankles ignited, her hands on her voluptuous hips. “Hey buddy, I think you got the wrong door. The physiotherapist is two buildings down.” She said, tapping his cane with her foot.

“Oh fuck off, you chinky cunt.”

“No, fuck you crippleman.”

“Oh, you want to start this do you?” He took a step towards her.

“Why not? This is after all the perfect place to.” She took a step towards him, the fire around her wrists and ankles burning brightly.

“You’re going to regret those words.” He took the super soaker shotgun from behind his back and pointed it at the hinezumi’s breast.

The hinezumi looked at him, then the gun, rolling her eyes. “Are you serious? Why don’t you put down that jabroni toy and settle this in the ring? I’ll show you who’s boss of this do-”

Church pulled the trigger.

SHPWOSH!

In an instant, the hinezumi was soaked from head to toe, the fire around her wrists and ankles were extinguished.

“Whoa, hey, hey… n-not cool, dude.” She said, much calmer than before.

“Hey! Those assholes came into our dojo and extinguished Headmaster Wai-Fu! I say that counts as a challenge, let’s kick their fucking asses!” One of the hinezumi shouted, the rest rallied in agreement.

Church yelped. “FORM SQUARE, FORM SQUARE!!!” He commanded, his voice two octaves higher than normal.

“Form square? What the hell does that mean?” Marshall asked, though he didn’t get an answer. Within seconds there were two hinezumi approaching him. He drew his pistols and squeezed the triggers as fast as he could.

The tiny streams of water did nothing to extinguish the bonfires surrounding their extremities, and eventually he ran out of water.

“Whelp, it was worth a shot.” He sighed, as one of the hinezumi grabbed his collar and brought him down to eye level.

“Looks like your clip has run dry.” The hinezumi laughed as she brought a fist back.

‘…clip has run dry.’

‘…clip has run dry.’

‘…clip has run dry.’

The words echoed in Cheslav’s head, something primal had clicked inside him. Clip? CLIP!? Is not a clip! Fucking kebab mice didn’t know anything about guns! He dipped his long-barreled water rifle into the bucket that prudence dropped and pulls the pump to fill it.

“Is not clip, is magazine!” Cheslav shouted, holding the rifle up like a nugget and firing a concentrated beam at the Hinezumi.

“Ow! My eye!” She let go of Marshall to cover her eye with both hands.

“Thanks, Cheslav. I dunno how to thank-”

Looking at his friend Cheslav, Marshall saw his eyes were different than normal, they seemed to have a red star instead of pupils, and he was singing ''‘Калинка, калинка, калинка моя!

В саду ягода малинка, малинка моя!’'' Under his breath. Marshall didn’t know what the hell he was singing, but Cheslav was firing at one target after the other.

“Ow! My eye!”

“Ow! My eye!”

“Ow! My eye!”

“Fuck, my eye!”

In the span of two seconds, Cheslav had five mice down and out, running to the bathroom to take care of their eyes.

“Haha! This is what happens when you bring karate to a gunfight, fools!” Church taunted, blasting away one hinezumi after the other. They kept coming and he kept shooting, but soon enough his gun had run dry.

It was about then that Church realized he should have made Prudence carry a lot more water.

“Blast it all, there’s too many of them. We need to stop wasting time and get to the bedrooms. Chap, come with me! You’re the fastest out of all of us.” He hobbled back over to where his colleagues were and dragged Cheslav away, snapping him out of his soviet induced rage.

“What is of happenings, comrade?” Cheslav asked, having now noticed that he was being taken away.

“You and I are going to steal the panties. Marshall and Prudence are staying back to keep the hinezumi occupied.” He explained.

“Oh… da, I come.” He ran next to Church, who let go of his arm, and they exited the dojo, Church following the map correctly this time.

“Hey, wait a minute! How do you expect us to hold off all these mice?” Marshall called, but it was too late, they were already gone. “Shit. Prudence!”

“Ah! He’s gone! Master is gone! What are we going to do, Marshall?” She grabbed her head, holding the pitiful glass of water up to her chest. One of the hinezumi charged at her.

“Uuuah!” She panicked, throwing the water at the hinezumi long before she was in range.

“…Oops.”

Marshall handed one of his water guns to her. “Ya might need one of these. I recommend getting the hell outta dodge, though.”

“W-what about you!?”

“Don’t worry ‘bout me, don’t look back. Just go!” He placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her around, giving her a gentle shove to send her off. Prudence, convinced that she was never going to see Marshall again, cried the entire way out.

“Ah, looks like we got ourselves a bold jabroni, taking the rest of us by himself.” One of the hinezumi said.

In truth, Marshall knew this was going to end with a trip to the infirmary. It was just another day for him. “Heh, go easy on me, I’m only a beginner.” He held his arms up in a crude fighting stance.

“Not a chance, jabroni.” One of the hinezumi took a running start, jumping up and kicking him square in the chest.

“F-fuck!” Marshall fell to the ground, the hinezumi surrounding him and kicking him on the floor.

“Come along, Chap. The bedrooms are this way.” Church gimped ahead as fast as he could alongside Cheslav, who ran with his arms behind his back.

“Cheslav wanted to fight more kebab mice.”

“We’ve already got Marshall for that. That loutish hick will be able to take on all of those boxers by himself.”

Cheslav didn’t say anything, knowing that was not how it was going to go down.

“Ah-ha! Here we are.” Church found an open bedroom, right next to an exit as well. Most likely the door they were supposed to enter through. He approached the dresser and opened up the backpack. “There. Now to grab the goods and get-”

“There you jabronies are!”

“Shit. One of them followed us.”

“Fucking pussies, GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!” A lone hinezumi started to run towards them, the fire around her wrists seeming to propel her forward like rockets.

“Shoot her, Chap! She’s right in your line of fire!”

Cheslav pumped his water gun, but only a light mist spurted out. “Uh… comrade? Is empty.”

“What? Oh shit. Here, take mine then.” He tossed Cheslav his gun, then started to shove handfuls of underwear into the backpack.

“Is empty too!”

“Goddammit, where’s Prudence when you need her!?

“With comrade Marshall.”

“Oh, right. I guess it can’t be helped, then. Let’s make haste!” Church and Cheslav hurried to the door, but just before the hinezumi could reach them, Church picked up his empty gun and threw it at her.

“Whoa hey what!?” The hinezumi threw herself to the side to dodge it, and that gave the two the window of time they needed to make their escape.

“Oh no you don’t!” She prepares to chase after them, but one of her roommates pokes her head from the dojo.

“Hey, that cowboy we kicked the shit out of is actually kinda nice. You want his number? He’s basically giving it away.”

She thought about it for a second. “Eeeeh, sure. I guess he was easy on the eyes.” She followed her friend into the dojo.

Cheslav and Church stumbled back into the base, exhausted, to find Prudence sitting at the table, her head in her hands.

“Ah, there you are, Prudence. Where were you when I needed you? We were nearly killed!”

The kikimora looks up with sad eyes, tears running down her face.

“Oh, never mind, you blubbering wench. Chap, the bag.”

Church turns his back to her, beginning to rifle through their spoils.

“M-master? It’s about… o-oh god, Marshall was so brave and now he’s… he’s…”

“Oh, do shut up. That oaf can handle himself perfectly well. He’s never had trouble pulling victory from the jaws of the monsters and their ilk.”

“You don’t understand, master! He was… A-and then… They just circled around him, then…”

Prudence burst into tears again, unable to continue. Before Church could respond, Marshall stumbled into the room, the door breaking under his weight as he fell onto his face.

“Damn it, boy, what have I said about breaking the door?”

“M-Marshall?! You’re alive?!”

“Are you thick? Of course he’s alive.”

“But, he was outnumbered and they were just going at him!”

“Did you really think they’d kill him? On a college campus? Besides, Marshall probably bent those swords on the walls into a cage to trap those rats in. Isn’t that right, Marshall?”

Marshall dropped himself into a chair that creaked under the strain, not responding.

“Prudence, would’ya be a darlin’ and get me some iced tea?”

“O-of course!” She exclaimed, skittering off to the kitchen.

“Damned traitor.” Church pouted.

After she left for the kitchen, Marshall spoke up. “Our next run is NOT going to be a fighting monster. Capisce?”

“Oh. Fine, then. We can do… A… No, that’s out. B? No, no… C… Ah! Cheshires! No fight in them at all, it should be easy for you then, you petulant cowboy.”

“Uh, ain’t that kinda-”

“Oh, second thoughts, then? We could do the jinkos if you’d prefer…”

“NO! Uh, no, no, cheshires are fine.”

“Chap? Comments?”

“Cheshire is fine, too.”

“Good. AHA! What do we have here?”

Church pulls a pair of delicate, cheese-print panties from the pile of sweaty sports-wear.

“Oh, good god. What were they thinking? Were they thinking? Damned children, the lot of them.”

Giving another look through the pile, Church sighed.

“Still, I suppose this is the best we’ve gotten out of this lot. Prudence, do dispose of the rest in the usual spot, they’re making the entire room stink of Limburger.”

End of Chapter 3

>>217005

I'm dead

writefag this is gold

can't wait until the next one

can't get enough of this shit OP, you're doing god's work.

>>217117

Kikimoras seem like a natural companion to the

southern gentleman stereotype.

>>217174

B-but anon-kun, prudence likes Church! Marshall is just a dear friend.

>>217177

not kebab

>>217177

I was talking about Mr. Lee.

>>217179

Marshall is the southern gentleman in this context.

>>217178

Oh, you~

>>217184

>>217117 Asked about Robert E. Lee's waifu. Mr. Lee is the ultimate southern gentleman stereotype.

>>217191

>Harpy genocide machine

>Southern gentleman

Chapter 4

The next morning at school, Cheslav, Church and Marshall were sitting at a cafeteria table, lounging around before they had to go to class. Church was considerably more alert than his friends, scanning for anyone who would potentially cause them trouble.

“Hey, did you hear what happened at the hinezumi dorm yesterday morning?” A voice said. Church hunched forward, eavesdropping. It was a wyvern talking to a holstaur.

“Wasn’t it raided or something?” The holstaur asked.

“Yeah, apparently these three guys barged into their dojo, sprayed them with water, then stole a bunch of their underwear. One of them got the shit kicked out of them though.” The wyvern giggled.

“Funny thing is… we got raided last year, but nobody seemed to talk about it.”

“That’s because anyone with the gall to challenge the hinezumi in their own dojo is pretty ballsy.”

“I-I guess.”

“I hope they hit the dragon dorms, I’d love to catch them in the act and rape the shit out of them.”

Church scoffed. ‘Monsters will be monsters, won’t they?’ He thought to himself. Surely, they would hit the dragons at some point, but now that he knew they would be waiting, he could plan around it.

“Alright, lads. What’s the first thing you need to keep in mind about cheshires?” He asked his henchmen.

“Uh, they like to talk a lot?” Marshall replied.

“They are purple?”

“Marshall was closest. I don’t think you even tried, Chap.” Marshall drummed his fingers on the table. “They do like to talk, but the important thing to keep in mind is that they will try to confuse you into submission. They’ll poke holes in whatever you say until you’re thoroughly mindbroken. It’s a brilliant strategy, really.”

“So how are we gonna counter it? Ignore them?”

“No you imbecile, if you ignore a cheshire she will get more and more intrusive until she gets impatient and starts whispering lewd things into your ear. They may not be that strong, but they’re nigh impossible to escape if you’ve caught their attention. Our best bet is to beat them at their own game.”

“I think my idea actually might be more feasible, partner.” Marshall shook his head.

“You probably stand a better chance of physically fending them off anyway, you brute. I don’t expect to have any problem out-confusing them myself, but poor Chap here will be horribly outmatched.”

“Why not just let him sit this one out?”

“Because we need him, of course!”

“For what?”

“To leave a trail of twine behind us so we don’t get lost.”

“Now how are we gonna get lost in a simple college dorm?”

“Have you been paying any attention in monsterology? The cheshire dorm is through a Wonderland portal, and things are distorted there… perverted even. The inside of that dormitory is one damned MC Escher painting after another. Stairs that go on forever, doors that open into walls, literal mobius strip hallways- if we don’t leave a trail behind us, we’re dead in the water.”

“Oh…” Marshall shut up after that. Maybe it was time to stop texting all the monsters he gave his number to during class.

“We strike the cheshire dorm next week, that should give Marshall ample time to recover from his wounds. Chap, here’s a list of all the things we will need. We will strike at one in the morning, so mark your calendars.” Church banged his fist on the table. “Meeting adjourned.”

***

A week passed, and Marshall and Cheslav walked alongside each other, looking for Church. He had texted them, saying he was waiting by the Wonderland portal, but Marshall had forgotten where it was.

“Do ya think it’s on the west side, Cheslav?”

“Nyet, is on the east.”

“Really? But we just checked there, I didn’t see it.”

“Check again?”

“Okay, partner.”

Making their way back East, Cheslav pointed to a dormitory building. “There! Portal is inside, tovarisch.”

“That’s the alp dorm.”

“Portal is inside alp dorm.”

“Who do you think you’re foolin’?” Marshall put his hands on his belt.

“You fools, get over here!” Shouted Church’s unmistakeable voice.

“Church? Where are ya?”

“Look to your right.”

“Hm? Oh! There you are. Where’s the portal?”

“It’s north of the center building, north!”

“Oh, why didn’t ya tell us?”

“I expected you to have at least somewhat better navigational skills than Christopher Columbus. Goddamned Guinea couldn’t even find his way to the Indies.”

“Yeah, but he discovered somethin’ better.”

“You seem to be implying discovering America was a good thing, and implying that America hadn’t been discovered before.”

“Man, you take the fun outta everything.”

“Just get the bloody hell over here before your babbling attracts unwanted attention.”

Cheslav and Marshall ran over to Church, who hobbled back toward the Wonderland portal.

***

“Here we are boys, the Wonderland portal.” Church stood before it, basking in its dazzling glow.

The Wonderland portal was the school’s way of making Wonderland residents feel more at home in the orderly, predictable environment of school. No matter how disoriented they got amidst all the laws of physics and ‘logic,’ they could always return to the zany world they were used to after they were done with classes. The portal swirled with purple, pink and white energy, lighting up the night.

“Dang, that’s a pretty big portal.” Marshall looked up- the portal dwarfed the dormitory across from it.

“Reminds Cheslav of babushka’s home cooked meals.” Cheslav commented.

“What the hell does your babushka cook that this reminds you of it?” Marshall gave Cheslav an incredulous look.

“Potato, red onion and turnip casserole.”

Marshall gave up.

“If you aren’t coming, I’ll do this myself.” Church warned, stepping toward the portal.

“Fine, fine. We’re coming.”

The three of them took a deep breath, and stepped through the portal at the same time. A warm, bright light flooded their vision, the world felt like it was spinning, and their bodies floated like feathers as they were thrust into the middle of a cobblestone road.

“Woah! That was trippy.” Marshall grabbed his head and tried to stop the world from spinning.

“Sensation reminds me of babushka’s home cooking afterwards…” Cheslav grabbed his stomach and lurched forward.

“Y-you pansies, stop bein’ melodramatic. I feel jus’ fine.” Church slurred as he stumbled about, using his cane to prevent himself from falling over.

“Hey, this isn’t one in the morning…” Marshall pointed to the sun, hanging high in the orange sky.

“…You’re right, this is high noon if I’ve ever seen it. What does your watch say, Chap?”

“Is cheeki breeki time.”

“What? Let me see-” He looked down at his friend’s watch, but under every hour, it said ‘cheeki breeki.’

“Oh for fuck’s sake. Check your phone Marshall.”

“It still says it’s one in the morning on my phone.”

“Then Wonderland must have a different night cycle- who knows if they’re asleep or awake. Let’s keep quiet and search for a way in.” Church hobbled briskly towards the dorm.

They crept to the back of the building. It looked normal enough, setting aside the purple walls and frilly decorations along the roofline. Though on closer inspection, there was no uniformity to anything, some windows were big, some small, and all manner of shapes.

“This place looks like an architect’s nightmare.” Church commented as they rounded a corner of the building. “ It’s a fine thing Wonderland monsters prefer to stay in Wonderland.”

“Hey, is that a door?” Marshall pointed to what looked to be a tiny door, just big enough for a person to crawl through on their stomach.

“By jove, that is a door. Who the hell is supposed to fit through there?”

“Dunno. Why would cheshire cats even need doors? They could just… poof inside.”

Cheslav turned the knob, the door swinging open with little effort. “Comrades! Is open!”

“Quiet, Chap. We don’t know if they’re sleeping or not.” Church snapped, peeking through the open door. “Looks like Chap and I can squeeze through with no problems, though Marshall will need a bit of… persuasion.”

“Alright, I guess I’ll go second.”

Church crawled through first, pulling Marshall in while Cheslav pushed. Once they were all in, Church remembered something.

“Chap, give me the twine.”

“Da, right here.” Cheslav handed him a large roll of butcher’s twine.

Church tied one end to the doorknob, then unrolled it to give it some slack and handed it back to Cheslav. “Keep unrolling that. If we lose the butcher’s twine we lose our way. Now follow me, boys.” He whispered, going down the hallway.

Inside the hall, random paintings ranging from wonderland trees to nudes of the Queen of Hearts lined the walls from one end to the other. Marshall noticed that there were doors, but they were above ground and just out of their reach. It was impossible to tell what led where, since there were some doors that would lead outside the dormitory if they followed Euclidian laws, but he knew they didn’t.

“Alright lads, let’s split up and search for panties. Marshall, you take that door over there, Cheslav and I will continue down the hall.”

“And why do you get to travel with the guy that has the twine?”

“Because I’m the leader, idiot. As long as you don’t venture too far from the twine, you’ll be alright.”

Marshall grumbled. This was probably going to end with him getting lost.

***

“Dangit Church, always throwin’ me headfirst into these situations…” Marshall opened another door, but there was just a wall on the other side. He’d been looking around for several minutes, but he wasn’t having any luck. Worse still, this place was starting to feel more and more malevolent, like it was actively trying to get him lost. He could have sworn he’d been through here before, but this door was new…

It was then Marshall realized that despite his best efforts, he was hopelessly lost.

“Alright, don’t panic Marshall. You’re just in a dorm, it’s not going to trap you forever. Worst case scenario is you get caught and they kick you out. No big deal.” He tried to calm himself, to only limited success.

He approached a door that was different from the rest. It had a cornucopia of strange faces on the front that looked like they had been printed off a computer and taped onto the door. He slowly turned the knob and opened the door a crack…

Then promptly closed it.

Inside was a cheshire cat, wearing a camo hat and a white T-shirt, typing at a computer. Her walls were lined with posters of various ‘internet memes’ and her desk was littered with dorito wrappers.

‘SHIT! I hope she didn’t see me!’ Marshall thought to himself, creeping away from the door and trying to muffle his footsteps as best as he could.

He found a staircase, it was slightly suspended off the ground but it looked like there was something promising at the top. He started to climb the stairs when he suddenly felt two soft mounds pressing into his back, then hot breath in his ear.

‘Looks like I’ve been spotted…’ Marshall thought, a knot forming in his stomach. ‘Oh well, guess all I can do is wait for the lewd words.’

“…Wanna see my meme collection?”

‘What?’

“Uhh, beg your pardon, miss?” Marshall whispered.

“Come on back to my room, I’ll show you my collection of memes!”

“You don’t care that I’m just creepin’ through your dorm?”

“Nobody comes to visit us, so this is actually pretty exciting. I’d rather keep you to myself, the other cheshires would talk about Normalfag shit and then rape you. But I’m cooler than that.”

“Oh I bet you are.” Marshall grabbed his head, at least she wasn’t a rapist, though a memelord wasn’t much better.

“Alright, welcome to the meme kingdom!” She swung open the door to her room and Marshall’s jaw dropped- it was worse than he thought.

There was something Marshall didn’t see when he peered into her room, next to her bed was a throne made out of mountain dew bottles. Her bed had a white comforter with the ‘forever alone’ face printed on it and a pillow that had POMF =3 written on the case. Her closet looked mostly empty, as most of her clothes were strewn about the room, with most having memes on them. Now that Marshall had a good look at her from the front, he could see that her hat had the words ‘If you’re breathing you’re horny’ written in red text.

‘Good lord, why couldn’t I have gotten caught by a normal cheshire?’ Marshall thought.

“So, what do you think? Are these the meanest memes ever to make your peener cream?”

Marshall almost threw up in his mouth. “U-uh, they’re very… nice, miss.” Marshall didn’t even want to bother asking her name. She was just going to be ‘miss.’

The memelord cheshire approached him and batted her eyelashes. “You’re the first person to ever say that about my wall of memes~” She giggled, then flopped back on her bed, grabbing the POMF =3 pillow and hugging it to her chest.

“Waaah, what are we going to do on the bed, cowboy-sama?” She kicked her legs.

Marshall folded his arms. “St-stop that.”

“Aww, you don’t think a cat is fine, too?” She brought her paw up to her mouth.

“Y-you can’t just satisfy your sexual desires with your cat.”

“Sweet meme bro! High five!” She crawled to the edge where Marshall was standing and held up her paw.

He just stared at her, keeping his arms crossed. “What?”

“Sweet meme my dude.” She wiggled her fingers expectantly.

“You have four fingers.” Marshall stood his ground until her ears lowered and she brought down her paw.

“Nyoro~n…” She stretched out on the bed, then rolled off of it to sit back down at her computer. “My name’s Mimi, by the way, what’s yours, cowboy?”

“Uh, name’s Marshall.” He divulged reluctantly.

“Well then, Marshall, consider yourself officially my best friend.” She beamed, her tail swaying behind her.

‘Please no.’ Marshall could feel tears welling up in his eyes. Is this how he dies? Trapped forever in this room? If starvation doesn’t kill him, the cancer from being exposed to all these memes will.

“What’s this? Someone is trying to argue that non-ironic memes are better than ironic memes!? I, for one, will not stand for such blatant heresy. One moment, Marshall. I’ll be with you in a minute.”

All Marshall could do was sit and watch her type furiously at her keyboard. A minute passed, then two, then three, then five. She looked so engrossed in arguing that it became apparent she wasn’t paying attention to him. This could be Marshall’s ticket out, but wait! That’s a dresser in her closet probably has panties in it. Maybe he could just quickly grab a few? Hopefully she wouldn’t notice…

Acting quickly, Marshall slid open the top drawer, grabbed a handful of panties and slipped them into his front pocket before quietly opening the door and sneaking out. It looked like he was in the clear, and with a sigh of relief, he continued down the hallway.

There was a door at the end of the hall. Marshall looked to either direction before reaching out to grab it, only to see the handle already being turned by someone on the other side.

‘Shit.’ Marshall started to sweat.

Cheslav softly closed the door behind himself as Church creeped ahead into an obscenely long hallway that seemed to converge to a point. Church walked backward to whisper to Cheslav, who was still standing by the door.

“What are you waiting for, you dolt? We need to get out of this hall as soon as we can so we aren’t seen!”

“Eh… Church, I am not of thinking-”

“Come ON, boy, get mov- OW, FUCK!”

Church toppled forward onto his face as his head struck… the ceiling?

“Damn it all, what is this?” Church cursed, poking the roof with his cane.

“Am tryings to tell you, comrade, is not real hall.”

Church shot his colleague a withering look before crawling down the hall, dragging his legs behind him.

“We can still make it to the door. Now follow me, you damnable cossack.”

“…Followings.”

The two men crawled down the hall, eventually arriving at a door, barely big enough to crawl through in the already low hall.

“Alright, they’ve got to be guarding something very precious if they’re guarding it this well, so be ready.”

Church threw open the door, cane at the ready in case he needed to quickly strike…

“A wall. A brick wall. I came all the way down here for those BARMY FUCKING BINTS to give me a FUCKING WALL!? CUNTY WONDERLAND GOBSHITES AND THEIR BLOODY-”

Church had run out of breath about one hundred feet into the crawl back, which had felt conspicuously longer than it had been on the way there, and had stayed quiet since. When they reached the door, Cheslav piped up.

“Is alright now, comrade?”

“Ahem. Er, yes. That was… It’s not important, let’s press on, shall we?”

Cheslav opened the door and turned to Church, holding up the end of the roll of twine, now tied in a neat bow to another identical roll.

“Eh, Church? Strings are not of…”

Church didn’t respond, looking around the room.

“This… This was a hall, wasn’t it? The water closet was there, and there was a water fountain sticking sideways out of the wall. It was right here, wasn’t it?”

“Was same door, but I am not knowings. Strings were here before…”

“Damn it. Fuck. What are we going to do? We can’t… Okay. Okay. Calm down, Chap. Whatever you do, we need to stay calm. It can’t be far, I mean, the portal has to have a fixed location, doesn’t it? It has to be, I mean, we can’t just get trapped in Wonderland forever and starve, can we? Can you eat panties? We might have to survive off them a few months, but that’s assuming we can find a room. We’ll have to track down the water fountain, and… Chap, call me Livingstone from now on, we’re going to be in this together for the long haul. Don’t panic, alright? We don’t need anyone else. Just you and I. One-hundred years. Church and Chappy. A hundred times. Forever and forever. We’re going to run around, and… We’re the only friends we’ve got, Chap. Church and-”

Cheslav pointed to the ceiling, the familiar hall upside-down above them. Or were they on the roof?

“Comrade, is up there!”

“O-of course it is, you git! I was just… testing you! You pass this time. I mean, going insane just because you get lost forever in a disgusting, topsy-turvy place where nothing makes sense? Ha. Haha. We’re made of sterner stuff than that, aren’t we, Chap?”

“Purple cats also on roof, Church.”

“Move, I’ll handle this.”

Church clears his throat, yelling:

“Twinkle, twinkle, little twat! How I wonder what you’re at! Up above the world so high, like a harlot in the sky! Twinkle, twinkle, little twat, get down here, you shit-tier cat!”

A pair of cheshires who had been staring at them briefly disappeared, then reappeared in front of Church in a puff of pink smoke.

“Yeeeeees~?” They said simultaneously.

“We’re here to steal your panties, you retarded bint, so don’t just stand there like fools and squint.”

The cats stole a quick glance at each other and looked back to Church.

“Well, then, big boy, how’re you planning on getting them?”

“We’ll beat you silly and steal them quick, then I’ll make my escape with this bolshevik.”

“…Why are you talking like that?”

“I’m no git, as you’ll soon see, I’m the wittiest man in this dormitory.”

“Uh, you didn’t answer the question.”

“I’ll outwit you all the same, by beating you at your own game!”

The cheshires crossed their arms, mildly annoyed with him. At first, they would have been fine with just small talk, no rape. But now that this weird man was pulling some bullshit rhyming scheme with them, they just wanted to rape him out of spite.

“My wit is quick, my tongue is silver, I’ll show you who’s…” Church paused, furiously wracking his brain for a rhyme.

Oh, that’s right… nothing rhymes with silver in the English dictionary.

“You’ll show us what?” One of the cheshires asked, her face getting smugger.

“Yes, oh silver tongued bard, tell us what you’ll show us~”

Church didn’t respond, sweating bullets. If he broke his little rhyming scheme, surely it would mean he lost and would get promptly raped. He decided on the finest plan he had ever plotted. A foolproof plan that was sure to confuse the pair of cats. Grabbing Cheslav by the collar of his shirt, he started to dash towards the door at the other end of the hall.

After about two seconds of running, the cheshires appeared in front of them and tackled them both to the floor.

“We think it’s time you learned a lesson or two about how to talk to a lady.” One of them purred, trailing her claw down Church’s tweed jacket.

“Oh shit.” Church tried to break free, but it was no use. “This is bad, where’s Marshall when you need him?”

“Cowboy is probably dead, like us.” Cheslav answered.

“Wait, what?” The cheshire pinning him down scooted back a bit, tilting her head. “You’re not dead, you’re in Wonderland- and about to be ravaged by the best pussy you’ll ever get~”

“No, Cheslav is dead. Probably in hell, too.” He remarked, deadpan.

The cheshire rolled her eyes. “Oh come on, we won’t be that rough. You’ll end up liking it, I promise.”

“Cheslav will prove he is dead.”

The cheshire, legitimately curious at how serious this man seemed, crawled off of him. “Alright Ivan Ivanovich Ivanovsky. Let’s see what you got.”

The cheshire pinning down Church also got off of him, standing next to her fellow feline.

“Chap, what are you doing? You can’t hope to beat them like this!” Church whispered. Cheslav looked his comrade deep into the eyes, not saying a word.

“First off, if Cheslav is not really in hell, where is vodka Cheslav was promised?”

“What do you mean? Who’s promised vodka when they die?” The cheshire asked.

“Is Cheslav’s reward for ridding world of kebab menace.”

“Okay, okay. Let’s back up for a second.” The second cheshire gestured towards Cheslav. “You say you’re in hell, but first, prove that you’re dead. You could just be alive in a place that has no… vodka.”

“Oh! Is easy to prove.” Cheslav pointed down the hallway. “Cheslav is dead because hallway does not end. Life is not like hallway, because it ends. Therefore since death does not end neither does hallway. Cheslav is forever dead.”

The cheshires looked at each other. “How does that make any sense? It’s just being in Wonderland. You’re not dead, you’re just in an enchanted hallway.”

“No, no, you see comrade… hallway is like allegory for winter. Is cold, unforgiving and full of death. Just like Cheslav is.”

“So if you’re supposedly dead, does that mean we’re dead too?” The cheshire asks incredulously.

“Da.”

“You’re full of it.”

“But is true, entire room is not real! Is all dream. Cheslav keeps pinching self, but is not waking up. Therefore Cheslav is dead like you.”

The cheshires pinched themselves out of curiosity, and to their lack of surprise, they don’t wake up either.

“You know, if we’re all dead, how did we die anyway?” She asks, humoring him.

“Chandelier fell, tovarisch.” He points to the ceiling.

“What are you talking about, the chandelier is right-” The cheshire looked up, there was no chandelier where he was pointing.

“Wait, where did the chandelier go?”

“Fell on top of us, squishing like blin.” Cheslav slammed his fist on his outstretched hand.

The other cheshire looked at her friend, who was hunched over, staring wide eyed at the ground and sweating. “A-are we dead? I mean that chandelier was up there and now it’s gone so where did it go?”

“Calm down, y-you can’t seriously be considering that this guy is…”

“W-what if he is, though? We could all be dead and this is a dream! I-I can’t explain the chandelier at all so m-maybe he’s right?”

“I don’t wanna be dead.” She whined, holding her friend close to herself.

“Me neither.”

They both held one another, crying softly. Cheslav stood up and cracked his neck, stretching himself.

“Cheslav is going to find way out. Have fun being dead.” He grabbed Church, who could only stare, jaw agape, as Cheslav had successfully mindfucked a pair of cheshire cats into believing they were dead. They exited the hallway and started to just wander through random doors.

“Chap… that was incredible! How on Earth… where did you learn to do that!?” Church patted his colleague on the back, he deserved it after pulling bullshit like that.

“Cheslav just talked to them, tovarisch. They believed Cheslav. There was no chandelier.”

“Well you’ve outdone yourself, I commend you. Now let’s get the hell out of here, I don’t care if we didn’t make off with any panties, this heist was a bust ever since we lost the string.” Church opened another door and went through it, and found a huge foyer with a large set of double doors.

“You think that’s the way out, Chap?”

“Nyet, is that door.” Cheslav pointed to a door that was just four feet away from it.

“But doesn’t that bigger door look like the doors we saw when we first entered this godforsaken realm?”

“Nyet, Cheslav says is that door.”

“Okay, we’ll both open our respective doors and see who’s right. I pray at least one of us is.” Church groaned.

They approached each door, and on the count of three, opened them at the same time.

“Ah-ha! Found the exit!” Church beamed, barely able to contain his joy at being both right and finding a way out.

“Found comrade Marshall.”

“Wait really? Tell him to get the hell over here, we’re getting out of this place.”

“I can hear you, Church.” Marshall was relieved, the hand that opened the door was a friendly one, he wasn’t sure he was ready to deal with another cheshire cat. With the men reunited, they walked out of the dormitory with their arms locked.

“Where the hell were you, Marshall? We could have used your help back there.”

“I was dealing with somethin’ else partner. Plus how could I have possibly known where to find you!?”

“Oh, fine. What were you dealing with?”

A chill ran down Marshall’s spine. “I… don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Suit yourself, you oaf. Did you at least get any panties?” Church asked.

Marshall smirked, pulling out the wad of underwear he had in his pocket.

“You idiot, you’re going to get them all wrinkly.” Church scolded. “…No matter, I suppose I can make Prudence iron them later if they’re really that bad. Jolly good work, gentlemen. Let’s return to our base.”

Once they had left the portal, the trio of panty raiders returned to base. Prudence wasn’t there, having gotten permission from Church to sleep in her dorm on account of a test the next day. With all three of them exhausted, they picked a random pair that Marshall had recovered, shoved it in a frame, and hung it on the Wall of Triumph. They didn’t even say anything to each other, going straight to their separate dorm rooms and crashing. It was terribly late after all.

END OF CHAPTER 4

>>217754

>>217954

You're doing Gods work anon.

>>218423

poor mimi :c

>>218454

Because she's a meme, an awful meme that somehow became real.

>>218456

Can I be her friend papa anon?

>>218676

Sage you fucking faggot.

Jexx, in the time you wrote this you could have updated dragon bully!

>>218748

>implying dragon bully is this easy to write

>implying my J-jexx's story isn't on a monthly update basis at this point

>implying sage

Please do Jinkos next. I want to see those sexy muscled tigers that put the Hinezumi to shame martial arts beat down some guys and rape them afterwards.

>>219558

I'm retarded. That's supposed to be a U.

>>219558

>Turtle girl dormitory

Fuck yes they need good stories.

They could absolutely be best girl.

>>219521

I actually got something really special planned for the jinkos, though they aren't for a little while

Chapter 5

The next day at lunch, Church, Cheslav and Marshall were sitting in the remote corner of the cafe they always sat at. Church had a notebook and was tapping his eraser against a blank page.

“Alright, we’ve hit the cheshires and somehow managed to make it back out with our sanity intact.”

Marshall was going to object to that, but decided against it.

“I think it’s time to hit another dormitory that will boost our notoriety. Aggressive, yet not overly dangerous.” He started to write some potential candidates on the paper. “Let’s see, there’s the werewolves, lizardmen, dhampir, anubis, kitsunes, kakuen, mad hatters, salamanders, and vampires.”

“We ain’t doing the salamanders or lizardmen, I’d rather not have a repeat of the hinezumi dormitory so soon.” Marshall complained.

“Fine, but eventually we are going to hit another dangerous dorm, and you’re going to be our counter to their strength.” Church asserted.

Marshall sighed. “Whatever. I also don’t want to go back to wonderland, so the mad hatters are out.”

“I wholeheartedly agree, Marshall. What say you, Chap? And I swear if you say alps again I’m going to go to your apartment and smash every bottle of vodka you own.”

“Allll of them?” Cheslav asked, leaning forward with a smug grin.

“We’re not doing the alps regardless. Why not them dhampirs? They’re only dangerous if they’ve had a taste of blood, and they have a natural instinct to help men who’re in trouble.” Marshall suggested.

“Hmm, it does sound more appealing than those autistic dogs or fluffy tailed menaces. Alright, might as well. Let’s strike next Saturday, so we can hit them in the middle of the day when they’re asleep.”

“Wait, Church! I think you’re forgettin’ something.”

“And what is that, Marshall?”

“What about the blooded ones? They’ll be strong, fast and merciless.”

“Hmm, you’re right. You may be strong but there’s no way you’ll be fast enough to take them on.” Church thinks for a minute. “What natural enemies do dhampirs have?”

“Uhh, most undead, particularly vampires.” Marshall answered.

“Yes, of course! We must strike a temporary alliance with the vampires. Let’s meet them at their dorm tonight, but bring some garlic just in case.”

Just then, they heard the sound of a chair being pulled back relatively close to their table, which almost never happened.

Marshall looked up, seeing a familiar face sitting across from the group.

“Oh, Jesus, Church, it’s that elf.” He whispered.

“Do not make eye contact.”

“I-I think she might’ve seen us.”

Hearing the commotion a table over, Saria looked up from her copy of Rape Fantasies V.27. What was that- Oh, god.

Ohgodohgodohgod. I-it was him! That cowboy she had met at the dorm was sitting right over there! Was her hair alright? T-the glasses didn’t look weird, did they? He saw them before, but… Did he even remember? He must have, but why didn’t he come back that day? He gave her his number, and she even texted him a few times when she was waiting in the closet. She asked him to ‘pls respond’ a few times, but… Maybe it’s because she didn’t give him her name? No, that couldn’t be it…

Maybe she wasn’t good enough for him? He seemed so nice, but maybe he was just being polite when he said he’d rape her… What if he’s going out with some hot dark elf he likes more because she’s good with all that… um… b-bondage stuff? She was interested, but what if it was too much trouble to teach her all those knots and stuff? Or what if she was just too pushy? Maybe he wanted to just push her down on his own and she just made it weird? What if he was into anal and the blowjob thing just put him off?

She sat there, twirling her hair around her finger anxiously as she wondered whether or not she should talk to him or not. Should she? The three men glanced over at her, and she squeaked, involuntarily holding her book up in front of her face.

They noticed her! Oh, no. What if they… a-and… O-oh… Would it be more awkward to just sit here when they knew she was here? They began whispering and she knew she’d have to.

“O-okay, Saria, you can’t let this one get away. Just get up, walk over there and… Say hello? No, no, that’s not good enough… Maybe-”

“Damn it all, she’s certainly seen us now.” Church hissed. “Well done on getting your girlfriend onto our tails, Marshall.”

“Wasn’t my fault, you’re the one that sicced me on her. All ya did was get her riled up and then I was barely able to get rid of her.”

“Oh, shut up. Chap, we need a diversion, preferably some manner of smoke-bomb.”

“Can only give tomorrow, you did not give warning, comrade.” Taking off his khaki backpack, he began to root through it, finally holding up a metal cylinder.

“Only have tear gas, Church. But do you have-”

“Oh, give me that.” Church spat, grabbing the grenade out of Cheslav’s hand.

“Damn, Church, ya seen this place?” Marshall gawked.

The hall was actually more brightly-lit than it had seemed from the outside, a number of candelabras throwing deep shadows onto a scrolling black wallpaper whose pattern was unbroken, except for a number of red wall hangings littered throughout the room.

Church walked up to a candelabra, flicking one of the LED candles placed in it.

“Lovely place you’ve got here. It’s got a certain…ah, Je ne sais pas.”

The vampire leading the group stopped and turned around, squinting her eyes.

“You’ll have to forgive the lighting, I’m afraid. The fire brigade was rather insistent we not have open flames in the dorms. Something abou- ”

The sound of something hollow hitting the ground stopped the vampire in her tracks. Prudence, her tail wagging, had knocked over a brass vase, the vessel bouncing as it hit the ground.

“O-ohnoohmygodI’msosorryIdidn’tmeantoIjustwasstandingherethen-”

Marshall picked the suspiciously light pot off the ground.

“Looks like it’s okay, Prudence, not a dent on it.”

“Pointy-tooth lady, pot sounds like bakelite on bayonet, should check for cracks.”

“It’s, uh… fuckfuckfuck… Enchanted! Yeah, it’s a maaaagic pot, it couldn’t possibly break! You’d better put it down, though, it cursed with the spirit of… D-Dracula himself! It’ll suck out your soul if you hold it too long, so just put it down, ‘kay?”

“Uh, ‘kay?” Marshall raised an eyebrow, setting the vase back onto its pedestal.

Church grinned and tapped a brass banister with his cane, some flakes of paint chipping off.

“Ah, it must’ve been very expensive to have all of this enchanted. I really must commend you on your taste.” He said, his words laced with sarcasm.

The vampire seemed to be losing her temper, her voice dripping with rage.

“Well, Lord Banterbury, perhaps you could tell the Grand Council yourself!”

At this, she threw open an unassuming door, where four chairs were arranged in front of a harsh spotlight, leaving the rest of the room obscured by shadow.

“Are we ready?”

“Yeah, just don’t trip over the cord again.”

“ENTER, PUNY MORTALS.”

Church scoffed, striding into the room and taking a seat, motioning his companions to follow.

“W-WELL? WHY HAVE YOU ENTERED OUR SPOOKY REALM?”

Marshall stood up, running his fingers through his hair before scratching the back of his head nervously.

“Whew. Okay. Uh, y’see, ma’am, we were thinking about doing a… That is to say, well, we do that underwear raid thing ya might’ve heard about -n-not for anythin’ weird, mind you- and uh, we planned a raid on a dorm we kinda need some help with, an’ so-”

“SPIT IT OUT, YOU CHARMI- E-ER, PATHETIC WORM.”

“We, you blood-sucking twits, are in the business of nicking knickers, and you’ll be helping us this time around.” Church spat, leaning back smugly.

“HOW DARE YOu say that! I can’t beli- …Ulrika, I thought you said you changed the batteries on the megaphone!”

“U-uh, well, the charger was being really slow, so I just took the batteries out of the remote…”

“Are you planning on keeping me waiting, you becloaked broads?”

A vampire jumped from the shadows, hissing at Church, who kept on an irritated expression.

“A-and what the hell’s wrong with cloaks, you… tweed boy?!”

“Well, I manage to dress like a normal human being instead of that chuunibiyou shit you seem to be so fond of!”

“Normal? Who the fuck do you think you are? A profess-”

“COMRADES!”

The room turned to Cheslav, who had stood to yell and was straightening out his clothes. He looked around and grinned.

“Everyone knows tracksuit is best! Comfortable like cloud and stylish like army uniform!”

Time seemed to stop as Cheslav held up his fists in triumph.

…

“…So who is this you’re, er, ‘raiding’?”

“Dhampirs, actually. Only reason we came, you see.”

“Aaah. All’s well, then. We’ll send someone out to help you around midnight Wednesday for a cut of, oh… fifty pairs?”

“Lovely. Cheers, then.” Church gives a small salute with his cane, leading the crowd out of the room and leaving Cheslav standing alone in the spotlight, still holding his victory pose.

“Cheslav is invincible!”

Wednesday arrived, and it was just shy of midnight. As they approached the dhampir dormitory, the trio of thieves spotted a dark silhouette standing under a streetlight. Waving, the tall wight walked over.

“Are you those guys Ulrika sent me out for? The raiders?”

“We’d prefer ‘Team Good Old Boys,’ actually.” Church replied.

“Yeeep. Just like she described you. Shall we?”

“We shall.” Church agreed. “What’s your name?”

“Natasha, yours?”

“Call me Church. Let’s not dally with small talk any longer, we’re burning moonlight.”

The wight led the group to a hole in the hedge that surrounded the building. Two dhampir sat on the front porch, legs spread and drinking what looked like cherry kool-aid in wine glasses.

“Alright, let’s come up with a plan, here.” Church surveyed the area, looking for a good place to enter. There didn’t seem to be any place for them to sneak in, the windows were boarded up just like the vampire dorm.

“Hey Church, I think we-”

“Hush Marshall. Now, if we want to enter through any of those windows, we need a sufficient timeframe to-”

“Church I think we-”

“What did I just say!?” Church snapped, prompting a moment of awkward silence.

“…As I was saying, we can go back to get Lady Lifts-a-Lot and land her on the roof, then quietly sneak down one by one through the chimney…”

“Or we could just distract the dhampir with this lovely lady that the vampires have been so kind to provide us with…” Marshall suggested.

“Marshall you-” Church raised his cane, then lowered it. “Wait, of course! Distract the dhampir using the wight and once they’re lured out we can make our move! I’m a genius!”

Marshall rolled his eyes.

“Hey boys!” Natasha snapped. “Why don’t I just… pretend to be attacking you or something? Those dumb imposters won’t be able to resist rescuing some gentlemen in distress.”

“That’s what I was about to suggest…” Church placed his hand on his chin, contemplating their strategy.

This time, Natasha rolled her eyes.

“Alright, here’s how we’re going to do this, you shambling corpse.” Church pointed to the wight. “You are going to amble after Marshall and Chap in front of the dormitory. Once you grab the attention of those two airheads in the front, run away from them and hope they’re more interested in chasing after you than talking to my colleagues. If they are, just throw sand at them or something. I’m sure you’ll find a way to make this work with what’s left of your brain.”

The wight balled her hand into a fist, talking through gritted teeth. “Alright, and what are you going to do in the meantime?”

“I am going to take this bag of chocolate coins that my bolshevik friend was so kind to procure for me, and throw them on the ground at any dhampir I meet. All vampires have the compulsion to count any and all coins you throw on the ground, and I imagine their half-blooded children are no different.”

Seeing how angry the wight was getting, Marshall placed a hand on her shoulder. “A-anyway, let’s get this show on the road, don’t want to spend too long in each other’s company do we? Eheheh…”

“You’re absolutely right, Marshall. Let’s get to work.” Church motioned them away.

When Marshall was out of Church’s earshot, he leaned in to Natasha, who still looked sour from Church’s remarks. “Sorry ‘bout my friend, he’s uh…” Marshall scratched the back of his neck. “A little prejudiced.”

“Clearly. Is he really not able to tell the difference between me and a zombie? Wights are more intelligent, more graceful! We’re far more capable than… them.”

“Yeah I can see that, but ya gotta understand, Church just lumps you in with ghouls and zombies since you’re all a form of undead.”

“Why does he treat the vampires differently then?”

“If I had to guess, it would be because they also put up the same front of class he does.”

“Well, I’m glad you’ve got a decent head on your shoulders at least. What about that quiet one, why doesn’t he speak?” She asked, gesturing towards Cheslav.

“Cheslav ain’t really one for words, more of a man of action.”

“That’s actually kind of… hot.”

“Why don’t you tell him that?” Marshall smirked.

The wight blushed. “Later, perhaps. For now, start running with him, I’ll come chasing after you when you mention you’re running from me.” She said. “It feels good to finally have an opportunity to get back at those stupid half-breeds for clit-blocking me and whiteknighting in front of every guy I strike up a conversation with.”

“Err…Riiight. Come on Cheslav!” Marshall motioned for his friend to follow him.

They ran into the open, Marshall pumping his arms at his sides and Cheslav running with his arms behind his back as usual. “Oh lord, help us! We’re being chased by an undead monster!”

The wight popped from behind the bushes, her hands outstretched in mangled positions in a mimicry of a zombie. “Rrrrgh, I’m gonna get you boys, then bring you back to my grave to uh… rape you and stuff!” She licked her lips.

The two dhampir had been slouching in a very unladylike position suddenly snapped to attention, their legs slamming together and backs straightening out. “W-we’re coming Milords!” One of them opened the door and shouted inside. “Girls! There’s two handsome young men in need of a rescue! Let’s chase this foul beast off!”

In a few seconds, what looked to be about twenty dhampirs had poured out of the dormitory. Was this… all of them? All of them after one wight?

“Shit, looks like I’m going to have my hands full. Good luck, steal as many as you can for me.” The wight salutes them, then uses a blast of magic to propel herself away, all the dhampirs chasing after her. One of them stuck around and pointed at Marshall and Cheslav. “D-don’t move, milords! We will be right back!” She stammered before dashing off in the direction of her roommates, arms behind her back.

“Well, that went better than expected. Let’s get to the dorm, Cheslav.”

“Da, we go.”

They ran up to the door, Church was already standing in front of the empty front hallway. “Haha! Jolly good show, that decomposing bimbo actually managed to empty out the entire dorm! This is going to be by far the easiest heist we’ve done.”

Marshall groaned, remembering Church saying something similar during the hinezumi raid. The group entered the dorm, the hallway dark like the vampire’s, but less ornate. There were pictures of fruit bowls hung up along either side of the wall, and several coat racks they all hung their cloaks on.

“Hold on a minute…” Marshall grabbed one of the few remaining cloaks. “We might not be as alone as we think.”

Just then, a door opened, and a sleepy dhampir peered around the corner, blonde hair in a mess.

“W-what’s going on? I heard voices and shouting and-” She paused, looking at the three men standing in the middle of the hallway.

“O-oh! Milords! What b-brings you to our humble abode? Let me go get the others and tell them you’re here.”

“Shit, we can’t have that happen.”

“W-why no-”

“Haha!” Church threw an enormous handful of chocolate coins on the floor.

The dhampir looked at them, then the coins, then back at them. “Awww, why did you have to go and do that?” She pouts, kneeling down and starting to count them. “One… two… three… four! Ah ah ah.” She stacks the coins in a corner and starts counting again. “Five… six… seven… eight! Ah ah ah.” Despite her quaint little laugh, it didn’t look like she was enjoying herself at all.

“Looks like she’ll be busy with this for a while, come along men.” Church motioned further down the hall with his cane.

The rounded a corner, then went upstairs, coming across where most of the bedrooms were.

“Let’s see, we can maximize our plunder by splitting up and-”

“No, we are not splitting up again.” Marshall insisted. “We are staying together and systematically going room to room, so we don’t get lost or have to deal with trouble by ourselves. We’re a team, remember?”

“Oh settle down, you buffoon.” Church snapped. “I guess we don’t need to split up when we’ve got at most two to deal with.”

Marshall sighed in relief, finally, he wasn’t going to be abandoned.

They entered the first bedroom, which was empty, and found only two pairs inside the top drawer. Church rolled his eyes. “Must be laundry day, soon. Let’s keep going, we’re going to need far more than that to satisfy the vampires.”

Going through the rooms one by one, the trio found that nearly all of them had less than four pairs per drawer, and they were quickly running out of bedrooms. Soon, they only had two left, and they had gathered a total of 44 panties.

“Alright, it’s really down to the wire here. We need at least 7 pairs for it to be a successful raid, and we have only two rooms left. Let’s just take our time and look through the drawers very thoroug-”

One of the doors slammed open, a dhampir sauntering out wearing a revealing black and red leather outfit.

“Why, hello boys, I was wondering when you were going to get to me~” She smirks, hands on her hips. In the dark hallway, Marshall could see that her eyes were glowing red. That could only mean one thing…

“Shit, she’s blooded! Quick, the coins!”

Church reached into the bag and tossed another handful of coins at the floor, though the dhampir just stared at the coins, unamused.

“…Well? What are you waiting for! Pick them up!”

“Why?” She crossed her arms, raising an eyebrow.

“W-well, you see, vampires have to count things, so obviously dhampirs do as well! We met one earlier where that was the case…”

“Oh, you must’ve run into Candice. Yeah, she just has OCD… It’s pretty bad, I mean, sometimes she can’t leave her room because she needs to brush her hair a certain number of times and can can’t get it looking right, so she starts over, or she ends up rewriting her notes so many times she runs out of time and does poorly on tests. One time, I heard a rumor that she has trouble keeping a boyfriend because she has to fuck him an even number of strokes otherwise she thinks her dad’s house will get sieged by jews.”

“Wow… that’s uh… Shit. I’m sorry to hear that. Sounds like a pretty sad life.” Marshall looked down.

“Yeah, I’m sorry if I explained too much. It’s just, yeah…”

An awkward silence passed.

“So, uh, anyway, as I was saying… you guys are mine!” She reaches into her room, pulls out a boombox and hits ‘play.’

''“It's Raining Men! Hallelujah!

It's Raining Men! Amen!”''

The dhampir had a troubled look on her face, a bead of sweat rolling down her cheek.

Marshall, Church and Cheslav all stared at her, more confused than anything.

''“I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get

Absolutely soaking wet!”''

“Errr, o-one moment.” She flips the boombox around to face her, then takes out the cassette tape.

“Take your time, please.” Church insisted, words dripping with sarcasm.

“Ooooh! I see.” The dhampir turned the cassette over and closed the hatch. Before she could hit play again, Marshall held out his hand.

“Sweetie, I think the moment has passed for a dramatic entrance.”

“Y-yeah, I guess you’re right…” She grumbled. “So… You guys gonna start running, or…?”

Marshall immediately turned tail to bolt away, falling on his face as Church tripped him with his cane.

“No need for that. But- I expect him back by 10, young lady.”

“O-oh! Really? I’ll take him. Thank you misterrrr…?”

“Church. Call me Church.”

“Thanks Mister Church, I’ll have him back by then!” She grabbed Marshall’s leg and effortlessly dragged him into her room.

“CHURCH YOU FUCKING ASSHOOOOOLE!!!” Marshall yelled, trying in vain to get a grip on the carpet.

“Necessary sacrifices need to be made, Marshall!” Church called as the door shut behind them.

***

“Heh, you should be happy you got caught by me~ The other dhampirs don’t know what they’re doing when it comes to sex.”

“You know, as much as I don’t like being thrown under the bus by Church, at least you aren’t what I ran into in the cheshire dorm.”

“Oh? What did you run into there, cowboy?” She pulled him onto her bed, resting his back against the headboard and massaging his shoulders.

Marshall stared off into the distance, having flashbacks. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

The dhampir tilts her head, then shrugs. “Well, I’m glad you’re out of that place. Now are you going to take your pants off, or are you going to have me do all the work~?” She teased.

“Look.” Marshall grabbed her shoulder. “I know I ain’t gonna change yer mind about this. But, at least tell me yer name.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, it totally slipped my mind.” She grabbed the bottom of her tight leather top and peeled it off, revealing she wore no bra underneath. “I’m Isabella, but tonight you can call me…” She snaps her thigh high against her leg for dramatic effect. “…mistress!”

Marshall’s eyes glazed over, his head tilted back. ‘Please don’t tell me she’s wearing all this leather for a reason…’

“Hey, are you paying attention to me?”

Marshall snapped out of it. “What? Oh, shit! Yeah, what was that?”

“C-call me mistress!” She asserted, trying to sound dominant.

“Okay partner.”

“You know, nevermind. It’s okay, you don’t have to. God I feel stupid now” She unbuttoned the top of his plaid shirt and worked her way down. “I know I’m blooded and all but it’s still been a while since I’ve fed and gotten laid.”

“Wait, fed!?” It suddenly occurred to Marshall that she was indeed a human-vampire hybrid who had the need to feed… on blood.

“Yeah, you know, when I plunge my fangs into you and drink your blood.”

“D-don’t say it so casually like that!” Marshall grabbed his neck protectively.

“Oh, no need for that, I’m not going to bite your neck. My fangs are actually in my vagina! Eheheh…” She grinned.

Marshall stared at her, mortified.

“Oh geez, I was just kidding! No vagina fangs, I promise. See?” She started to tug her leggings down, but Marshall stopped her.

“N-no need for that! I believe you. But I still don’t like the idea of sharp needles in one of the most vulnerable parts of my body.”

“I-it won’t hurt! At least, I don’t think it hurts, the only other time I fed the guy didn’t tell me it hurt so maybe it’s painless? I mean, he did pass out, but…”

Marshall stifled a giggle. “W-what now?”

Isabella played with the now flaccid cock with her fingers. “I’ve got to get you hard again, thith ith where the fangth come in~” She pulled herself on top of him, pulling his head back.

“W-wait! How do you reckon d-drinking my blood is gonna fix me going soft? I reckon it’ll have the opposite effect.”

“According to my mom, ith thuppothed to make boyth hard again. Tho jutht… relakth okay? Thith won’t hurt, I think.” She leaned in, pressing her fangs to Marshall’s neck. Marshall felt a dull pain, then a pressure building in his neck. It felt like the area around his neck was getting colder, but the pain was going away.

Marshall clenched his fist, this felt unlike anything he’d been subject to before, and he wasn’t sure if he liked it or not. It was different, at least. He could feel her gulping the blood out of his neck, and he was starting to feel light headed. For a second, he wondered if she was going to accidentally take too much and kill him… but his fears were thankfully quelled when she let go of his neck and licked the blood up.

“There we go, was that so bad?” She crooned, patting him on the head.

Marshall didn’t answer.

“I can thee you’re ready for round two~”

He looked down, well son of a bitch! He was hard as a rock, how did he not notice?

“Well dang, I guess yer mom was right.” Marshall said, looking down proudly at his erection.

“I know, now lay down for me thtud.” She commands, licking up another trickle of blood that had oozed down his neck. “Altho, I’m gonna be licking up your neck for a while, to thtop the flow of blood.”

Marshall couldn’t take her seriously with that voice. “Okay, I’ll jutht lay here then.” He mocked.

She looked down, shoulders drooping. “Thtop mocking me…” She pouted.

Oh great, now Marshall felt bad. “Alright, alright. I’ll take ya seriously.” He beckoned her to crawl on top of him.

“There we go…” She rested her hands on his shoulders, slowly lowering herself down onto his shaft. His tip touched her labia, the slippery flesh easily parting over it. He could only inhale sharply as she descended on top of him, taking him down to the hilt.

“Oh… oh wow!” Marshall managed to choke out, gripping her hips as she grinded her lap against his. “Y-ya sure this is only your second time?”

Isabella blushed. “Well, I do have loth of toyth to choothe from.”

Marshall stifled another chuckle, not wanting to hurt her feelings again. “Oh? I supposed that combined with reading magazines written by 40 year old women would make anybody a sexpert.”

“At leatht I don’t pay for my thubthcription, mom doeth.” She lifted her hips back up, then slammed them down.

Marshall huffed, squeezing her ass when she lowered herself all the way on top of him. “Y-you wanna maybe switch to doggystyle? I might cum a little too soon if yer gonna set the pace like this…”

“Oh? I’m thorry, I didn’t know I wath that good~” She taunted, giving his neck another lick while lifting her hips up. “Okay, we can thwitch.” She popped his tip out, and Marshall noticed just how hot her insides were compared to the cold air of the room.

After both of them cooled down a bit, Marshall grabbed Isabella’s hips and pulled her closer, rubbing his tip between her warm slippery folds once again. This time, he set the pace, plunging all the way in immediately which caused her to let out a barely contained squeal of delight. Marshall, encouraged by her noises, started to thrust into her at a steady pace. Her tight pussy clamped onto his shaft every time he bottomed out inside of her, and to his delight, it seemed she wasn’t kidding when she insisted there were no fangs in her vagina.

“I’m getting clothe, cowboy~” She warned, moving her hips back when he shoved his forward.

He slid his hands up from her hips to her breasts, squeezing them and tweaking the nipples with his thumbs while he gave his final thrusts.

“Unh! Give it to me Marthall!” She jerked her hips back so he bumped against her cervix while her inner walls relentlessly squeezed and milked him. Marshall was forced to comply, his own limit being reached.

Marshall squeezed her breasts like a stress ball, shaking as he came his brains out inside of her. Isabella was so spent the upper part of her body dropped onto the bed, trembling in ecstasy while her pussy pulsed against Marshall’s cock, eager to accept all of his seed. After several minutes of bathing in the afterglow, Marshall pulled out with a slick pop, and fell to his side, wrapping his arms around her. After all that uncertainty and reluctance, he was pleasantly surprised to finally enjoy an intimate encounter.

To be continued, probably tomorrow or monday tbh fampai

>>219924

I love the pictures. They really add to the scene.

>>219944

TY famalamborghini

Please do Houri next

Or Apophis/Pharaoh

>>219558

I just want to see for once a Jinko fic where she use her muscled body and martial arts to beat the fucking shit out of a guy and rape him afterwards, possibly with the threat of a further beating if he keeps resisting.

Nearly all Jinko fics are about Gary Stus that she looks up to who can beat her or give her a fight.

None where she just plains beat down a guy and then rapes him, despite that she is kinda MADE for that fetish.

>>219924

damn, you can write dope plot AND lewd? this is good shit

>>220026

You can only dodge pussy for so long in this business anon, eventually JUSTICE catches up to you

>>220019

Degenerate detected.

END of chapter 5, boy this was a long one.

>>220068

But they already hit the aslp

>>220267

Once more with feeling

>>220066

this is the perfect mix of funny and lewd, keep it up cuxx Jexx

shub niggurath writefag has his own tread now so you can get back to Phone sex as well. Liking these new stories since I am tired of High School settings, no matter how well written.*

>>220476

Its okay you don't have to pretend dragon bully is well written. And I have a few ideas for the next phone sex thing, but its an episodic series meaning I update when the inspiration strikes me and the story doesn't have a real end in mind.

>>220521

>>220476

Samefag here don't be so hard on yourself. The TFT archive made me realize you have been a good comfy writefag for a while. CYOAs are Just easily waifujacked, pulling the story in a direction the author has no inspiration. Not your fault 90% of the shittiest fan fic happens in a HS settings, now will just avoid unless it is a greentext short.

Metal Gear Church VI: The Panties Strike Back

Once again, the party was standing outside the vampire dorm, this time with a large bag filled to the brim with panties. Church cleared his throat, looking at Marshall.

“Alright, I know the drill.” Marshall said, walking up to the vampire dorm and banging the brass knocker.

After a few seconds of shuffling, the door creaked open and a pair of red eyes stared at them. Once she recognized them, the eyes widened. “Ah! Lord Banterbury and his merry men have come back! Fix a pot of red tea, Ulrika!” The voice commanded, before swinging open the door. “Please, come in Lord Banterbury.”

“I shall, thank you.” Church strolled in, leaving Marshall to lug in the bag of panties. Before Cheslav entered, Church pulled him aside. “Wait out here, I’ll give you your cue once the time comes.”

Cheslav nodded, squatting outside the door.

“Why isn’t the third one coming in?”

“He just wants some errr… fresh air. He’ll come in when he’s ready.”

The vampire looked at Cheslav, then Church. “Oookay, if you say so.”

Marshall was led to the room they had been in last time, though the spotlight had been removed, leaving the room nearly pitch black. Marshall gulped, holding his hands out in front of him to feel for some kind of boundary. He only succeeded in grasping at empty space until his hand rested on something soft and squishy.

“Pervert!” A voice from the dark shouted, striking Marshall across the cheek.

“Ow! Sorry miss, I don’t have night vision or a cane, exactly.” Marshall complained, rubbing his cheek.

“Oh, right. Terribly sorry. Shall I lead you to the couch?” The vampire apologized, resting her hands on his shoulders.

“I-I guess.” Marshall preemptively raised his shoulders in case she tried to sneak in a nibble on his neck.

Once everyone was situated in the room, Church dumped the bag full of panties onto the coffee table. Seeing this, a tall, cloaked woman sauntered in. It was nigh-impossible to see what she looked like due to how dark it was, but it was probably safe to assume she was the head vampire.

“So, you managed to actually do it? Color us impressed~ The wight we sent to help you, Natasha, had some choice words for tweed boy over here, but I don’t care so long as you deliver. And deliver you did. Consider us even.” She sat down on a big, well decorated chair next to the empty fireplace and crossed her legs. “Would you like to join us for tea?”

“We would, thank you!” Church piped up from his own seat which he had found by using his cane like a blind man. “Also, I hope you don’t mind if we tour your… lovely castle.”

“Oh? I thought you didn’t like our decor, judging from your kind words last time.” The head mistress leaned forward, pulling her glasses down her nose a bit.

“I suppose you could say the style has grown on me, after seeing that horrible excuse the dhampir call a dormitory.”

The head vampire chuckled. “Is that so? Well, since you actually managed to meet our demand, I’ll let you off the hook. Oh, here comes Ulrika with the tea now!”

Marshall sat on the couch, his legs spread across two seats. Two vampires walked to either side of him.

“Excuse me good sir, is this seat free?” She asked.

“Oh, err… go ‘head.” He pulled his legs closer to give them room. Great, now he had two vampires sandwiching him in the middle of the couch. He wasn’t exactly comfortable with how close they were to his neck, so he hiked his shoulders up again. “E-excuse me, miss.” He motioned to the head vampire.

“Call me Carmilla.”

“Carmilla, d’ya think we could maybe turn a few of these… candles on?”

One of the vampires leaned in, he could feel her breath tickling his ear. “Oh? But isn’t it so calm and serene in the dark? There’s just something magical about relaxing and letting your guard down in such a quiet and trustworthy place. Why don’t you try it?”

“Yes, try it~” The other vampire coos into his other ear.

“N-no.” Marshall replied, shuddering.

“Go and flip some of those candles on, won’t you? They are our guests after all.”

The vampires looked at Carmilla, pouting, before standing up and giving the room some much needed light. Ulrika, the aforementioned vampire, was placing cups of tea in front of the vampires and filling them. Soon, she got to Church, and poured him a cup as well.

“Would you like any sugar, sir?”

“Absolutely not, tea is supposed to be drank without.”

“Very well sir.” She then reached Marshall and poured him a glass. “And what about you, sir? Any sugar?”

Isabella’s comments about his blood still echoed through his head. “N-no thanks.”

“Of course, sir.”

Now that the room wasn’t completely pitch black, Church noticed just how many books lined the shelves surrounding the room. What were they even about? He couldn’t tell from here. Focusing back on the cup of steaming tea in front of him, he brought it up to his nose and sniffed.

“That’s an awfully strong smell. What is this kind of tea called? I can’t say I’ve smelled anything quite like it.”

“Oh! It’s a… Christopher Davidson, if I recall.”

“Hm, odd name.” He took a cautious sip, immediately regretting it. Nearly spitting it out, he instead grunted as he struggled to swallow it. “A-ah, I see it’s an acquired taste. A strong flavor indeed.” He hit his chest a few times.

Marshall looked suspiciously down at the cup of tea, dipping his pinky inside. When he pulled up, it was stained red.

“Carmilla, is this blood?” He asked.

“Well, it’s a half-and-half mixture of Ceylon tea and A positive, donated by someone named Christopher Davidson. So it’s not all blood. We figured the tea would make it more palatable.”

Marshall stared at his pinky, then got an idea. Licking the blood off, he took in the taste. As expected, it was metallic and bitter. He held up a clean finger to one of the vampires.

“Hey, can one a y’all do me a favor?”

“I suppose, what do you need?”

“Bite my finger and taste my blood.”

Church looked up from his cup. “Marshall, what are you doing?”

“Trust me, Church. I need to confirm somethin’ real quick.”

“Oh, I’d be happy to have a taste, thank you~” She pulled his finger up to her mouth, and pierced it with her fang.

Marshall inhaled sharply, but it hurt less than he thought it would.

The vampire grimaced, like an otter who absolutely abhorred the taste of watermelon yet couldn’t stop eating it.

“I-it’s an interesting flavor, that’s for sure.”

“Really? What’s it taste like?”

“Have you heard of Mountain Dew?”

“Are you fucking kidding me? Does my blood… really taste like Mountain fucking Dew?”

“…Yes.”

“I gotta taste this myself.” Marshall said as he licked his finger. It tasted just like the blood in the teacup. “You’re pulling my leg, my blood don’t taste nothin’ like the stuff.”

“You’re a human, you wouldn’t be able to taste it.”

Marshall raised his finger as if to interject, but she made a good point. He crossed his arms and leaned back in his seat. “W-well is having overly sweet blood bad?”

“Errr, I don’t know for sure, I’ve never really encountered blood that tastes like that, so I assume it means something is wrong…”

Marshall sighed, guess it was time to go on a diet.

“Well, I won’t let any bad tea ruin this momentous occasion. Carmilla, would you be so kind as to give us a tour of your castle?” Church asked, standing up from the chair and stretching.

“O-oh, a tour?” Carmilla’s face brightened up. “I’ve always wanted to give a tour of our castle. Please, do follow me.” She sprang up from her chair and beckoned Church to follow her.

“Come along Marshall, let’s not keep this lovely lady waiting. That is, unless you’d like to stay and keep the other vampires company…”

“I’m comin’, hold yer horses.” Marshall rocked himself forward, standing up and heading after Church.

***

“…And this is the third bathroom, don’t mind the bloodstains in the sink, those were from a nosebleed, not some ritual sacrifice or midnight snack.” Carmilla raised her hand up to mouth. “Ohohoho~”

Church rolled his eyes, the entire tour had been as boring as he expected it to be. Carmilla made it a point to show off every room in the dormitory, not that it wasn’t what he wanted, but at this point it was a waste of his time. He had all the information he came here for.

“Now, if you’ll follow me, the last room on our magical tour is the Great Lair, also known as my room~”

Oh? Maybe he had spoken too soon.

“Nnnrgh, one second. This door always takes a bit of extra… EFFORT!” She jerked the door open, then motioned them inside.

Marshall was the first one inside, his jaw agape at the grandeur of the room. “Holy hell, ya gotta see this, Church.”

“What, you thought I was going to just stand outside and let you gawk all by yourself?” Church remarked, strolling in the room. Carmilla’s lair was well lit in comparison to the other rooms, with red wallpaper, a mahogany floor, and gold-framed pictures of famous vampires feeding on victims. An electric candle chandelier hung from her ceiling, with candelabras stationed on various surfaces inside her room, and sitting directly across her bed with brass knobs and a black wooden frame, was a huge vanity.

“Say, how come you have such a big mirror if you can’t see your reflection?” Marshall asked.

“If you look over to the right, you’ll see a portrait of my mother feeding on a poor peasant.” She gestured to the largest framed picture.

“Oh fine, I guess if I’m gonna be ignored then I’ll just shut up. Fuckin’ whatever right? I ask a legitimate logical question and she just glosses it over. It’s fine, I’m over it.” Marshall grumbled to himself bitterly.

“Ah, your mother is stunning, just what I would expect of a gem such as yourself.”

Carmilla blushed. “Oh, you flatter me. If it’s not too late, I can show you what a gem I am on the bed while your bumpkin friend watches.”

Both Church and Marshall looked at one another, silently agreeing that it was time to go.

“Actually, we should ought get going soon. It is getting late after all. I do appreciate the offer though.” Church lied, tugging on Marshall’s sleeve to lead him out of the room.

“Come back anytime~” Carmilla waved as they left.

Church and Marshall headed downstairs and into the parlor, where the other vampires were chatting and sipping on their ‘red’ tea.

“Oh, how was the tour~” One of them asked cordially.

“Jus’ fine, but we really oughta be headin’ ou-”

“Everyone, can I have your attention please?” Church called, interrupting Marshall and drawing the attention of every vampire in the room, even Carmilla, who had flown into the room via a swarm of bats.

“What is it, Lord Banterbury?” She asked.

“Once again, I would like to thank you dearly for sending that wight to help us. If not for her, our operation would not be nearly as successful as it was.”

“We also wish to thank you for delivering on your promise. Had you failed in your mission, we would have drained you all dry, ohohoho~” Carmilla once again placed her hand up to her mouth as she laughed.

“…Right. Anyway, it’s about time we leave. But before we go, I have a… parting gift for you all.” He hobbled over to the door, the vampires peeking their heads around the parlor curiously.

“Here comes that slav!” Church opened the door, and after a short delay Cheslav hopped in, riding a unicycle with Comrade Cluckers sitting on his head.

“Oi cyka blyat idi nahui whaddap?” Cheslav said as he rounded the corner into the parlor.

“O-oh my, what is… this?” Carmilla asked, more than a little confused by the slav’s sudden appearance. Though the more she watched him, the more mesmerized she was by the spinning wheel, and how that lovely black and white pattern painted along the spokes swirled and swirled…

“Call it a personal show, I train my… subordinates to entertain guests. Something any good Lord should know how to do.”

Carmilla didn’t respond, she and the other vampires were too busy staring at the hypnotically beautiful performance of The Great Cheslav.

“Come now, we must hurry Marshall. I’m not sure how long the hypno-cycle is going to work on them.” Church whispered, sneaking towards the stairs.

“W-wait up, how the… a hypno-cycle? How the hell do you even come up with these ideas?” Marshall said as he hastily followed Church.

“I wouldn’t expect someone like you to understand my genius. Just keep a lookout for any that may follow us.”

They went back to Carmilla’s room, and suddenly Marshall understood what was going on. “You’re going to attempt this now!? When they could come up at any moment?”

“There’s no better time to do it, we have their trust and know the entire layout of their building. This gives us the perfect recipe for a fast raid. Now let’s see here, her dresser was- aha!” Church threw open the top drawer and took a nice handful, stuffing them into the sack that once held the dhampir panties. “Alright, let’s Terry-Fox it out of here, before it’s too late.”

Marshall and Church made off with the goods, the bag over Marshall’s shoulder. As they headed back to base, Church texted Cheslav telling him it was safe to make an escape.

***

Before long, all three party members were at the base, the fruits of their loom in tow. Church dumped the handful of panties onto the table, grinning smugly.

“D-did they not want some of the panties you brought them, Master? Do you want me to-”

“Oh, no, my dear, we just stopped by to pick up some extras while we were out.”

“W-wait, did you…?”

“Oh, yes. Yes we did. Right under their pretentious little noses.”

“I-isn’t that… I mean, the vampires a-and… they’ll know it was you!”

Church dug around in the small pile on the table.

“Oh, they won’t come sniffing around, unless the one we stole them from wants her friends to see this.”

He chuckled, pulling out a pair of small, well-worn batgirl panties and spinning them around his finger. Prudence covered her mouth and blushed, giving a startled “O-oh my…”

“Marshall, put them up, if you would.”

“Oh yeah, gimme a sec.” Marshall said, pulling out his phone and typing out a small message to Isabella, attaching a picture of the newly-acquired panties.

Within seconds, the dhampir had replied, “hey nice man that was fast… I owe u 1.”

Church leaned over his shoulder, peeking at the message. “Oooooh, chatting with your girlfriend, I see. Going to ask for another ‘gentle’ blowjob, or are we going to actually use it for something?”

“Hey, fuck you, partner, she ain’t my girlfriend, ya just necessarily sacrificed me to her. Like you do every time, ya asshole.”

“Maybe Cheslav will be sacrifice for alp dorm?”

“Oh, shut your mouth about the damn twink succubi, you knob jockey.”

“Alps not gay, alps are nice.”

“Yes they are, they were men once, and then they turned because they were too gay!”

“Ah, comrade, were men. Vagina means not gay.”

“Marshall, tell this absolute faggot about his degenerate tendencies.”

Marshall started to sweat. “Uh… I… S-say, I’ve been thinkin’ and I still don’t know where those kiki panties came from. I mean, I should’ve remembered somethin’ but we never even got near their dorm.”

A long moment passed as Church scratched his chin, pondering.

“Hmm… I suppose you’re right. But then where are they from?”

Prudence started to sweat. W-were they going to notice this time? They didn’t before, but they were really onto the right track now. But what would she do? She was in front of everybody… Would Church just punish her right here? I-in front of everyone? She was practically beside herself with worry, sweating profusely, but at the same time, her tail began to wag uncontrollably.

Time seemed to stop as Church looked toward her. Ohgodohjesuswhywhywhywhy-

Church placed a hand on her shoulder. H-he had her now, she couldn’t even run away, and, w-well, she wasn’t going to anyway, but it was going to be so embarrassing doing it in front of everyone, a-and what if they couldn’t look at her the same way any more? She’d just get treated like a toy and they’d pull on her tail and order her around and make her lick the floor and-

“Prudence.”

She squealed, jumping as she was roused from her fantasies. She was really in for it now. Her voice cracked as she barely managed to stutter out a “YES!? I-I mean, yes, M-Master?”

“Get me a pot of tea, it’s late.”

“W-what?”

“I can’t think without my tea, woman, go fetch me a pot.”

“Wh- I-I mean… I thought Master was… O-oh…”

Prudence’s entire body drooped. Was he not going to…? It’s not as though she wanted the chicken to lick her eyeballs while Master took her from behind in front of a crowd, b-but… He was never going to notice her, was he?

“Uh, Prudence? Ya doin’ okay?” Marshall asked, seeing tears welling up in her eyes.

“U-um, w-well, I just, that is…”

“Oh, come on now, what’s wrong?”

“…H-how much weight can your rope hold?”

“Well, well, I’m glad someone can appreciate my knowledge around here. I mean, it really depends! Ya got yer nylons, an’ those’re pretty good for outdoor use, what with the weather resistance n’all. I usually use a nice, solid hemp, seein’ as it’s classic, an’ it’ll treat ya good if you take care of it-”

“U-uh, Marshall, I was…” The kikimora tried to interject, but Marshall continued speaking excitedly about rope materials. Giving up, she moved off to the kitchen to make a pot of tea for Master.

Church addressed the room, though between Prudence leaving and Marshall still passionately continuing on about the virtues of jute, Cheslav was his only audience member.

“With this, gentlemen, I’d say we’ve reached a landmark. Two dorms in a day- and no walks in the park, either. This calls for a celebration! PRUDENCE! BRING OUT THE ALCOHOL WHILE YOU’RE AT IT!”

“Okay, Master! You don’t need to be that loud, though, I can hear you just fine over here!”

The kikimora padded carefully back into the room, several bottles, a teapot and cups balanced precariously on a tea tray. She set it down on the table, sighing in relief before looking over to see Marshall, still talking.

“ -’an that’s why I think the six millimeter jute’s the best all-’round, really.”

“Um, t-thank you Marshall… I think I changed my mind, though… Master, your tea.”

Bringing Marshall a cup of tea next, they watched Church and Cheslav sorting through the bottles of vodka, gin, whiskey and several other types of drink.

“…So, uh, gonna be a hell of a party, huh?”

“I hope so, just as long as Master doesn’t get sick again. …Especially on the rug.”

Marshall laughs, shifting a bit on his feet and glancing at the wall of panties a few times before turning to Prudence.

“Y’know, I’ve been thinkin’… We don’t know any other kikis, and if we didn’t go to the dorm…”

Prudence froze. What? They weren’t- But, they didn’t- H-he couldn’t know! They were all so oblivious and… Oh, god, was he going to tell Master? W-what if… What if he hated her for not telling him? Or even… What if he hated her for stealing his glory?! He might just… Would he just cut her out of his life? She trembled a little bit, looking up at Marshall.

“Heh, I figured.”

“P-please… O-oh god, please… D-don’t tell him, I’ll do anything!”

“Ah, don’t worry about it, I’m not in any mood to interfere. I guess there’s one thing you could do for me, though…”

What’s he going to ask for? Is he going to abuse her? L-like make her call Master while he put ice cubes in her butt or something?! What if she couldn’t hold her voice in and Master found out? O-or make her strip naked in front of a window and-

Marshall pointed to the kitchen, scratching the back of his head.

“I hate to ask you to go straight back, but would you mind grabbin’ some nuts back there? I’m feeling a bit hungry after all that.”

Prudence nearly fainted. Was… N-no, it couldn’t be more obvious… He wanted her to… S-sate his hunger in the kitchen while everyone else was busy. G-grab his nuts? She wasn’t sure how well she’d even be able to give fellatio… Oh, no, what if he made her stick her tongue in his butt and lick around inside instead? She wasn’t sure whether her heart was ready for that, but… A-at least she could save her first for Master… Tears welled up in her eyes as she grabbed her skirt tightly.

“P-please at least let me stay a v-… virgin…”

Marshall looked at her, utterly horrified.

“What in tarn- The everloving hell are you talking about, Prudence?”

“I-I just… please don’t take it away! I want to save it for the man I love!”

“St-stop that. I’m not gonna… Honestly, what the hell is going on in your head, woman? An’ do ya mean Church?”

The kikimora made a strangled sound of panic as she jumped forward, trying to cover the man’s mouth.

“SHHH! H-how did you…?!”

“…Prudence. Darlin’. That’s past just unobservant. You’re callin’ me retarded, here.”

“W-well, I… D-does Cheslav know?”

“Look, everyone here to Timbuktu could figure it out if they ever saw ya in a room with him. I’m pretty sure Church is the only person who doesn’t know.”

“Y-you’re not going to tell him, are you?”

“Look, you’d have to be actively raping him for him to figure out you fancied him.”

Prudence paused for a long moment, playing with a lock of her hair.

“…D-do you think I should?”

Marshall patted her on the shoulder. grinning.

“Look, I didn’t give you the idea. Sometimes I get too busy to come in to the base when I get er, messages from my friends, though.”

“R-really? Thankyouthankyouthankyou! I-I mean… T-that’s too bad, isn’t it? I mean, if something were to happen…”

“Ah, he’ll be fine.”

***

“Cheersh!” Marshall raised a bottle of whiskey, clinking it against Church’s gin and Cheslav’s vodka bottle.

“How…how… how’d you manage t’eshcape the vampire dorm, Chap? We didn’t get t’see that.” Church asked, pouring a glass of gin into his teacup and downing it.

“Cheslav was riding hypno-cycle to trick pointy-tooth ladies, and Comrade Cluckers made them pretend to be of hens. Probably over by now.” He mentioned, taking another swig of vodka.

“Speaking o’yer pet chicken, where’d he… where ‘dhe go?” Marshall asked.

“Comrade Cluckers is guarding dorm. Nobody will get past him.”

Marshall and Church looked at each other, silently agreeing. They knew Cheslav wasn’t a sarcastic person, but at the same time… it was usually just better not to ask.

“At any rate, tonight’s a night to have a real swah… soi… shwer… uhhh… shelebrashun. Prudensh, c’mere and drink with us.” He sloppily beckoned her over.

Prudence fidgeted, arms behind her back. “But… didn’t you say ‘drinking is a man's activity,’ Master?” She traced the ground with her foot.

“Bah! You’re ghonna have fun and you’re ghonna… FACKING like it. Now siddown next t’me and get yourself a glash.”

In an instant, Prudence was kneeling next to Church, glass in hand and tail wagging.

“I said t’SIT down you living feaff-featherdeh… featherdushter. You’re not suckin’ knobs, it’s gin.”

Prudence blushed. “I-I mean, I wouldn’t mind something else of Master’s… M-maybe…?”

“That’s not… Naaah. We’re ‘avin’ fun tonight. Sit on that shtool and I’ll mix y’up a drink.” He stood up, wobbly on his cane, then hobbled over to the kitchen to get some ingredients. He came back with a lemon, some rosemary, and a bottle of tonic.

“Now, first let me see that glash…” He scooted it to the middle of the table, then grabbed the lemon. “Firsht, givit some grape juice…” He bites into the lemon, and squeezes until juice and seeds leak into the glass below. “Then, shome parshley.” He took the cap off the rosemary bottle and dumped a hearty load into the glass. “Now tha gin…” He poured in the gin until the glass was nearly full. “Aahhh, feck, t’much gin. One sec’nd, jushhht one sec.”

He sipped at the glass until it was half-emptied. “There y’ go, now f’r the tonic.” He poured the remainder of the glass with tonic, spilling some of it over the top. “Shee? It mixes itshelf up wittha bubbles. B’n app th’ teeth, Prudensh.” He scooted it towards the poor kikimora, who stared uncomfortably at the bubbling abomination before her.

“M-Master, are you sure about this? I-I mean you’re kind of-”

Church held up a finger to her mouth.

“Ssshhhh. ‘S gonna be… Yer gonna love it, I proooomise.”

Prudence still wasn’t sure. She did want to drink it for Master, especially since h-he put his lips on the same cup… B-but…

“C’moooon, ol’ girl, ‘s fiiiiine. ‘S great, so jes’… Just ‘ave a sip.”

He stroked her cheek as affectionately as he could manage, just barely avoiding poking her in the eye as he brought the drink up to her mouth.

Prudence squealed a bit at the unexpected touching, her body shaking and as her tail wagged madly.

“Ah, U-uh… C-could you just… keep doing that while I drink?” Prudence stuttered, blushing while opening her mouth for Church to haphazardly pour it in, ending up with half the glass running down her chin.

She tried to concentrate on Church’s hand as she braced herself for the disgu- What?

Her head felt like it was spinning. It was strong, certainly, but the lemon made it just sweet enough without being too much, and all that rosemary had just added… something magical. Church began giggling madly as he wiped her face off with a handkerchief.

“Gin’s arright, innit?”

“M-Master! How did you… I mean, it just seemed like so much, but then you… I-it was delicious, Master!”

“Of coursh it’ws great, Prudensh! I made it aff… after all.”

***

About an hour later, they all sat around the table. Prudence, having had several more glasses of Church’s gin and tonic, had managed to get as plastered as the rest of group. Marshall was calling Cheslav a cowpoke again while the man sang in Russian, hooking his arm around Church, who was mixing more gin and tonic for the kikimora.

“C-careful Marshall, youuuu don’t wanna make out with-” She hiccuped. “C-Cheslav again, do you?” She giggled, wiping the drool off her chin.

“I didn- What the fffffuck, Prudence? I didn’ make out with ‘im…” Marshall took another swig of whiskey.

“M-maybe you should?” She slurped another string of drool into her mouth. “I-I mean, you’re booooth suhuch cute guys~”

“Sh-shorry Prudence, d-don’ really swing thataway. Neither does Cowpoke over here, right?”

“I dunno ‘bout that, Marshmall…Heheh, your name shoundslike Marshmallow. Did y’know that? An’… and Chap reeealllyy sheems to like those… faggoty alpsh.”

“Oi cyka, alps nice and you know it. Blyat.” Cheslav tried to take another sip of vodka, but he had finished his entire bottle.

Prudence, still giggling, fell into Church’s lap, wrapping her arms around his waist.

“Ehehe… Marshmallow… Yer soooooo funny, Mashter… Y’know, I was thinkin’… uh… wait… O-oh yeah!” She looked up at Church, her eyes sparkling. “Mashter, yer jes’ the besht…”

“O’ courshe I am! Head of tha… Th’ besht damn panty raiders a man could ask for!”

“We should… Do somethin’ shpeshal, don’t ya think, Mashter? …We could build a shtatue! A monamment t’ Mashter w-wiff a reaaally big dick, n’ that’d show those damn ffffuckin’… shoggothsh who’s boss ‘round here!”

“Tha… ‘S…yeah! N’ we can puddit on… l-like a mountain a’ panties! Like Sir Hillary climbin’ fackin’ Ev’rest!”

“W-wait, Mashter… W-who’sh Hillary? Do I know ‘er? I’ll beat ‘er up if she triesta ffffuckin’… S-steal ya!”

“Aaaah, can it, y’… y’…” Church dozed off a moment, but snapped back to attention when his chin hit his chest. “MARSHMALLOW! D’y’know how t’ drive one of those excav… eckssa… feckin’… digger thingsh?”

“Huh? Excalib…ecksivater?” He scratched his head. “Oh! Yeah, I got a comm.. Commershal license. I can drive one a’ those. Bu’ where’re we gonna get one?”

Cheslav, who had been idly listening to their conversation, suddenly stood up. “Comrades, Cheslav is of having idea.”

***

The four of them stumbled over to the human dorm, Cheslav taking the lead. Despite drinking the highest volume of alcohol, he seemed to be the least inhibited. Then again, that’s to be expected of a full-blooded Russian.

“…Marshall.”

“Uh… H-hey? Why aren’t ya in class?”

“I need you to…” Church hesitated, clicking his tongue unhappily. “…Do me a… a favour.”

Marshall was taken aback. Did… did someone kill Church and replace him with someone who could do a good impression of him? He’d never ask for help…

“It’s an emergency, Marshall.”

“Uh, ‘kay? What is it?”

“You need to… Er… Look, just go to the corner store, buy some underwear and bring it to my room.”

“Wait, what?”

“Just do it. …Please.”

Marshall agreed, hanging up confused. Saria leaned over, looking at Marshall’s phone.

“Soooo… Your friend had his underwear stolen?”

He cocked his head. “Uh, he didn’t say that, but…”

“OH! Um, uh, l-lucky guess?! Haha…”

“Well, makes sense, probably. Can’t think of a reason he’d need ‘em otherwise…”

“Yeah, um, t-that’s what I was thinking! Did anything, uh, w-well… Did you find anything in your room?”

“Dunno, might just be some in the laundry for me, but it looks like I brought some random panties home or something yesterday. Got kinda drunk, so we must’ve ended up on a raid or something.”

“Ha, m-maybe you just ended up charming the panties right off someone with those cowboy charms… Eheh…” Saria pushed her glasses up her nose.

Marshall raised his eyebrows. “Really? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you took em with how much my ‘cowboy charm’ seems to have worked on you. Eheheh…” He joked.

Saria froze in a panic. D-did he know?! Her ears were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy.

There was drool on her tunic already. (Mon’s spaghetti.)

He didn’t seem too mad though… M-maybe he even used them? The elf paused, thinking a little harder. …Was he…

Marshall gave her another awkward smile, then looked away.

She held up a hand to her face, now bright red. Her gaze slowly floated down to Marshall’s crotch. H-he must be… She imagined what it must have looked like, him taking her tiny panties and putting them on, a-and coming to class… She pushed up her glasses again in an attempt to calm herself down. ‘O-okay, Saria, just don’t… I’ve gotta s-stop drooling, at least…’ She wiped her mouth, looking down at her hand to discover… blood?

Marshall thought about the girl to his side. He was surprised she’d come to talk to him again, with the whole ‘gas grenade’ thing… He felt pretty bad about it… Maybe he could just say something to smooth it over? It’s not like she seemed like a bad girl, really. He looked over at the elf, blood running endlessly out of her nose, as she panicked, stuttering and staring at him.

“Aw, shit, Saria, you okay? You’re bleedin’ there!”

“Ah, u-um… there wasn’t any in those, were there?!”

“What? Look, you oughta get to the bathroom or something.”

“R-right!?” She stood up stiffly, making a mad dash for the door, only turning around to yell “I’ll be waiting!”

***

Natasha glanced at Cheslav a few times, unsure of what to say. He hadn’t even looked when Saria ran out of the room with a bloody nose. She wanted to talk to him, but…

‘Ah, dammit, just say the first thing that comes to your mind, girl, you’re a wight! Nobility!’

>>221636

This is fucking great. You Bromont and Jexx are the reason I keep coming back to monster. Also for a couple of other CYOAS I guess. Like The elven prince one, and Bearson.

>>221636

… We require more Slavs. And english panty thieves. And more southrons. Basically more of what you just wrote

>>221676

By 'we' do you mean this story, or the board in general?

>>221678

Why not both?

>>215310

Is this supposed to be /pol/, /fit/ and /k/?

These characters are preddy awesome desu desu

>>216508

This

Prudence best girl

Notice her church!

>>217943

Fucking ivan puklin psyops on a couple of faggot cats

>>221705

fam have you heard of a little thing called saging?

>the chicken to lick her eyeballs while Master took her from behind in front of a crowd

> make her call Master while he put ice cubes in her butt or something?!

Can't say I saw that coming

*shrugs

Just saw that pic and it looked like if it was literally extracted from the story, so I had to post it.

Whatever the case, is better than allowing this thread to die down being buried by other threads.

>>224041

Unless the updates have weeks between each other, then they might

>>224119

Nigger I've gone literally two months without updating and my story stayed on the board.

>>224119

The last thread before it gets culled on this board has a final post from 3 months ago. If a writefag hasn't updated by then, my interest is already gone.

>>221662

>no ResonantDrunk

Anon you're doing yourself a disservice by not reading the Child of the Australs story.

Also

>Jexx

see >>218839

>>225501

usually we (the two writefags collabing on this) try to write an entry ahead, but we caught up with our reserves and had to wait until the next entry was done. Posting now.

Chapter 7: The Mouse has Landed in the Matango Pit

Marshall strolled up to Church’s apartment, grumbling to himself. Fucking rich asshole had his parents pay to give him deluxe housing, available only to humans with higher income. Cheslav had one too, but he probably made the money himself, knowing him. At any rate, he had managed to find a few packs of boxer-briefs on sale for ten bucks. He knocked on his door, and after several British-sounding swears, Church peered out of the door. “Hm? Oh, it’s you. Good. You have the goods, don’t you?”

Marshall rolled his eyes before giving Church the pack of boxer briefs.

“Hmm, worse than my usual pair, but they’ll have to do. A moment, if you will.” He shut the door, and after a few minutes, he opened it up fully, wearing a velvet smoking jacket and cravat. “Come in, come in, we have things to discuss.”

Marshall cautiously stepped inside Church’s dorm. It was always so neat and orderly, and he demanded his guests not do anything to fuck it up. Taking off his work boots at the door, Marshall sidestepped the coffee table, which had a delicate looking tea set on top, before sitting on the faux-velvet couch in his living room. His apartment was cramped, with all the components to make up a large study and a bedroom, yet none of the space. His wall was packed with photos, mostly self portraits, and above the head of his bed was a corkboard filled with participation ribbons. Near the door, standing proud, was a grandfather clock with a bust of Edgar Allan Poe standing on top. Next to the bust sat a plush raven.

“Hmph, subtle.” Marshall remarked.

“I’m sorry to have to ask you to perform such a bloody ridiculous task. And believe me, I would rather not have anyone near my apartment under normal circumstances. Which is precisely the problem.” Church poured himself a cup of tea. “Would you like one as well? Or is it too British for your tastes?”

“I’m fine, thank you.” Marshall folded his arms. “So, tell me what happened this mornin,’ up until you found out all yer underwear was missing.”

“Well, I woke up with a splitting headache, so I rolled out of bed and had some morning tea. Then once my head cleared I remembered what happened last night and panicked until I remembered we got away. I had another pot of tea to settle down, then I took a shower and shaved as per usual. Nothing out of the ordinary thus far, so I had a spot more tea, and when I went to get dressed, I opened my underwear drawer and saw it completely empty. I figured ‘maybe they’re all in the laundry hamper,’ but looking there, I didn’t see any there either. I had some more tea, then started to look all over my room. They weren’t under my bed, or in my closet, nowhere. That’s when I knew something was wrong. I called you after another cup of tea and since then I’ve been drinking tea and re-ordering the classics in my library by order of how classic they are, and changing up the order of my pictures, and having tea and-.” Church explained, his leg shaking.

“Church, how many cups of tea have you had?”

“Thirty-twelve? I don’t know, it doesn’t matter!”

“Church, focus. Is that all that happened?” Marshall asked.

“W-well, I was halfway through putting all my Patrick White novels at the top, but then I changed my mind and put them all back, and that’s when you came.”

“Alright. I had a similar morning, just with less tea drinking and instead having pairs of panties in place of my boxers.”

“What, you’re not… wearing them right now, are you?”

“Of course not, I did what any normal person would do and went commando.”

“Normal!? You fucking barbarian! How can you just go without?”

“What’s wrong with goin’ commando? Every guy does it once in a while. Why didn’t you do it when you couldn’t find any pairs anywhere?”

“Because an outfit that isn’t complete is not an outfit worth wearing. And do you have no respect for the boys downstairs? It’s horrible!”

“You pretentious britbong. I bet you wear British-flag print underwear.”

“A-and what if I do? There’s nothing wrong with union jack underwear, it’s patriotic, something I figure you would understand with your sodding Texas flag print blanket!”

“That blanket was a gift from my granny, don’t you bad-mouth it.”

“I’m not bad-mouthing your gift, I’m bad-mouthing the state printed on it.”

“Ya got something to say ‘bout Texas, pardner?” Marshall leaned in, his forehead almost touching Church’s.

“You mean the only US state tha-”

Suddenly, Marshall’s phone started ringing, causing both of them to abruptly stop arguing.

“…Lemme get that.” Marshall pulled his phone out of his pocket and stood up off the couch. “Hello?”

“Hey, where are you? I’ve been waiting for 52 minutes and 22 seconds! I was going to call in exactly an hour but I just couldn’t wait that long… I figured I’d wait until 5 minutes before, but then I thought you wouldn’t be mad at me if I called a little early…”

“Who the heck his this?”

“S-Saria of course! Don’t you remember earlier in class? I said I’d be waiting for you!”

“Saria? O-oh yeah! What the hell are you talking about? You left class and never came back. I thought you went to the nurse or something.”

“I wasn’t that sick, all I needed was a shot of penis-illin~”

“Wasn’t it just a nosebleed? And it’s penicillin, actually.”

“Uh…” Her end was silent a few seconds.

“You know what? Nevermind. Is there anythin’ else you need to tell me?”

“W-well I actually wanted to ask you if you uh…” She paused, muttering incoherently. “… that is, if it’s not too much trouble…”

“Miss, I didn’t quite catch that. You wanted to know if what?”

Church, suddenly taking an interest in this conversation, stood up to try and look at Marshall’s phone. “Marshall, who are you talking to? She’s not blackmailing you about my underwear, is she?”

“Shut up.”

“W-wha?”

“Not you, Church.”

“Who’s going to church? I-I can meet you at church if that’s uh… that’s where you’re going…” Saria said, the thought of getting fucked in such a sacred place making her knees wobbly.

“I’m not at church.”

“Yes you are, you’re right here with me!”

“No Church, I meant like the place.”

“Who’s Church, is she prettier than me!?”

“Wha? N-no, Church is a dude!”

“O-oh…” S-so he was gay? She had no idea how to feel about that. On one hand, it was just like her yaoi mangas, but on the other hand she really liked that guy… M-maybe he’d be open up to the idea of a threesome? Maybe? Wait… they could have a threesome in church! Oh, that would be so naughty, especially since two of them were gay. “I guess if you’re busy with your… special friend… I’ll leave you alone.”

“Special friend? You mean… Oh, God no, it’s not like that!”

“What is she talking about, Marshall?”

“Stop talking, Church. And Saria, I’m kinda in the middle of somethin’ here. If ya got somethin’ to say then come on and spit it out for chrissakes!” Marshall snapped, losing patience.

“Oh! I uh… w-well I just, I was wondering if, well…”

“Lord almighty woman, what’s got you so wired up?”

“… D-date!?”

The date? She called him in the middle of his argument for the fucking date? “Uh… October 2nd?”

“T-that’s today!”

“I know it is.” He said, unamused.

“Uhh I mean I… w-where!?”

“What do you mean ‘where?’”

“Where are you going?”

“Oh me? Dunno, I guess I was going to go to the cafeteria in about half an hour, since I’m kinda hungry.”

“M-me too! Uh… b-bye!” She hesitated a second before hanging up.

“Marshall, did you just set up a date with her?” Church asked, raising his eyebrow.

“What? No I- Shit, did it sound like that’s what I was doing?”

“Afraid so, Marshall.”

“Oh dammit, that’s no good. I better call’er up and tell her it’s a misunderstanding.” He started to tap the keys on his phone.

“You can do it later, we need to fix this damn situation now. What were you saying about what happened today?”

As much as Marshall wanted to complain about being brushed off, he continued. “Right… So it looks like my drawer was raided too, but they replaced it all with women’s panties.”

“Yes, you mentioned that already. What about Chap?”

“Well, I asked him, but he said he didn’t have anythin’ happen out of the ordinary last night.”

“Wait, what?”

“Yeah, he didn’t get no underwear stolen, crazy right?”

“Marshall, you know what this means, don’t you?”

“What, Church?”

Church put a hand on Marshall’s shoulder and leaned in to whisper to him.

“That means Chap’s a traitor! He’s sold us out and given some of those harlots our apartment keys! I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it has to be done. We’re going to have to kill him.” Church took another shaky sip of tea, giving the other man an unhinged stare.

“You can’t be serious.”

“No, I mean, it’ll be so easy. We could simply sneak into his apartment and fill one of his vodka bottles with bleach, it won’t smell any different, he would take one sip and that would be the end of it. Or, that greasy stuff, the, uh… the ‘cosmoline,’ I believe he called it. All we would have to do is set fire to it and his entire apartment would burn down! If we just lock him inside, that’s it! Though I suppose if we wanted to really cover our tracks we could poison a caesar sa- NO! THAT’S IT! JULIUS CAESAR! We can just stab him and stab him and stab him and stab him and-”

Marshall slammed his hand on Church’s back. “Church, I think you’ve had enough tea. You’re spouting crazy shit now.”

“I…” Church paused, getting ahold of himself but still shaking. “You’re right, what am I doing? We just need to get to the bottom of this bloody nonsense before it happens again. I can’t miss another day of class and I’ll be damned if I have to go… commando.” He spat that last word with extra venom.

“Fine, I agree we have to solve this. I jus’ don’t know where to begin.”

“We need to find out what everyone else knows. We’ll meet at the club and collate our information. Get Prudence and Chap together.”

“I suppose I got no choice, do I? Alright, I’ll see you back at the base after I change into some real boxers.” Marshall stretched himself, then started to head out of the apartment.

***

Marshall drove back to campus, stepping out and heading back to his dorm. He sent Saria a text on the way: ‘Sorry, something actually came up, so I can’t come today.’ To try and soften it a little, he added ‘we could take a raincheck and reschedule if you wanted, though.’

Not far from his dorm, Saria happened to notice him out of the crowd,

“M-maybe he’s changing out of my panties?!” She muttered, wiping a stray strand of drool from her mouth and following Marshall at a distance. “I’m not missing this!”

***

Marshall knocked on the door to the base, and within a few seconds, Prudence answered. “Oh, Marshall! You’re early today.” She looked to either side of her and nervously beckoned him inside.

“Err, yeah. Just had to cancel some accidental plans, now that I can’t go to the cafeteria just in case she decided to stick around, I figure I might as well eat here.”

“Oh, I see…” She shuffled over to the kitchen and opened the fridge. “We’re running a bit low on food, but we probably have some hot pockets in the freezer or something.”

Once again, Isabella’s comments about his blood echoed through his head. “Well, do we have anything… uh… more nutritious?”

“Nutritious? That’s new…” She scanned the fridge once more. “Oh! The vegetable crisper has stuff in it!

“Oh really? Lemme see.” Marshall lumbered into the kitchen and opened up the crisper, looking at what was inside. “Lessee here, we got… carrot sticks? I guess those are good for you. Ah! What’s this?” He held up a bag of green leaves, the bottom of the bag lined with green sludge. “The heck is kale? Whatever it is it sorta looks like lettuce.” He tossed it unceremoniously on the countertop.

“Uh, Marshall?” Prudence held up the bag of semi-sludge kale. “You sure this is good?”

“It’s probably good for me, dunno about how good it actually is.” He ruffled through the crisper some more, pulling out some wobbly stalks of celery. “These should do me nicely.”

“W-well I just… o-okay…” Prudence decided it was best to leave him be, and so she slinked out of the kitchen. Conveniently, she heard a knock on the door which provided her the perfect excuse to leave.

“Let’s see what else we got ‘ere, oh! Here’s some almonds, best activate ‘em!” He ran the tupperware containing the almonds under the sink for a few seconds then tossed the watery almonds into a plastic bowl. “There, now let’s see, we got any protein? I want this salad to fill me up too.” He rummaged around until he found… aha! “Leftover steak, perfect!” He opened the container and tossed a morsel into his mouth. “Mmm, this is more bland than… ass. Eh, I’ll just sprinkle pepper on it til it tastes better.” He tossed the steak into the plastic bowl, then started piling in the rest of the ingredients.

Meanwhile, Prudence had let Church in, and was brewing him some sleepytime tea to try and get him to calm down. Poor guy had so much tea he was trembling like Michael J. Fox licking a car battery.

“Sorry for being late Prudence, I had… a stressful morning. Thankfully, my good friend Marshall came over to relieve me.” He suddenly stood up, his knees locking together. “Speaking of relief, I will be right back!” He zoomed off to the lavatory.

Prudence sat on a chair, kicking her legs. She heard a weird tapping sound come from the window and upon investigating, she saw her new friend, Saria, staring at her through the window.

Both of them looked at each other, then shrugged. “Your group was gaining notoriety very quickly, somebody wanted to see you taken down a notch, though I don’t know who. All the orders I got were indirectly made through somebody else.” Saria admitted.

“And I suppose you agreed to it because you wanted an excuse to break into Marshall’s room, is that right?” Church stood over the elf menacingly.

“I-I uhhh…”

“Hold on now, no need to pry for information that we don’t need, partner.”

“I’ll pry where I please, you oaf. I’m still miffed about my stolen underpantaloons.”

“I am too, but let’s focus on the important questions. Now, Prudence…” Marshall shifted his attention to the feathered caterpillar on the floor.

“Y-yes Marshall?”

“Who gave you orders? And what’s their end goal?”

“Uhhh…” Prudence fidgeted a bit in her binds. “Like Saria said, we don’t know who’s behind it, but Natasha was the one that gave us the orders from her… higher ups.”

“Higher ups?” Marshall and Church said simultaneously.

‘Hey, they aren’t paying attention to me anymore, how am I going to get gangbanged at this rate?’ Saria thought to herself, clearing her throat. “Y-yeah, she has a network of girls who all want the same thing; to take you guys down.”

Marshall raised an eyebrow. “Hold on a sec, you mean to tell us that with the relatively small number of dormitories we’ve raided, there’s a network of students who have banded together with the intent of stopping us?”

“Do you hear that, Marshall? We’re fucking famous!” Church said while shaking his friend's shoulders. “This is the best news I’ve heard all semester!”

“I’m not too sure I believe it, though.”

“Why not?” Church folded his arms.

“Fer starters, I think we haven’t hit that many high-profile targets to garner a following bent on our destruction. Also, I think we would have heard about this sooner with how relatively small this campus is.”

Saria began to sweat. “W-well I uhh… I have information on one of the higher ups!”

Church knelt down next to Saria and shook her vigorously. “Well what are you waiting for you retarded hippie?!? Spit it out!!”

“S-she’s a shoggoth, a-and her name starts with an ‘A’ I think…?”

Prudence’s eye twitched, hearing the name of her mortal enemy, but she was too preoccupied with thoughts of being punished by Master to really register what Saria just said.

Church stopped shaking her and sighed. “Well, I guess I shouldn’t have expected too much from an elf.”

“B-but wait! Waiiitt!” She wiggled again. “I-if you guys want to talk to her, m-maybe you could raid her dorm? That would surely draw her out of hiding. H-here, I’ll even help!”

“N-no, I’ll help! I’ll be the most helpful helper that’s ever helped!” Prudence insisted, shaking her head side to side.

“Uhh… Church?” Marshall looked to him for help.

“Absolutely not, how do we know we can trust you?” Church responded, tapping the elf with his cane.

“Of course we can. Elves help Santa Claus. Elves are trustworthy, elves are nice.” Cheslav piped up.

Church stared at Cheslav with waning hope, not wanting to believe that he was this retarded. “You know what? I’m not even going to comment. I’m going to let Marshall decide if we bring her along or not.”

“Errr…”

Saria looked at him with puppy dog eyes.

“Nnnn, sorry, gonna have to agree with Church on this one. We dunno if we can trust you just yet, Maybe you could do something for Church or something, though.”

Saria whimpered, dejected. “W-what do I need to do to prove my devotion to you?”

“You have Marshall’s phone number, don’t you? Get in contact with this ‘Natasha’ woman and be ready to lead her into a trap. Now get out, we have a raid to plan and members to discipline.” Church churched, churchly.

As soon as Saria had been cut free and safely left the portable, Church sat down, scratching his chin over the remains of the table.

“U-um, Master? Did you say, uh, d-discipline?”

“I did. Get us some tea, we need to have a serious discussion.”

“Um, but… yes, Master.”

Awkwardly wiggling in her bonds, Prudence managed to get to her feet, the coils of rope falling around her ankles as soon as she straightened herself out. Church looked over, his face turning a bright red at seeing the kikimora, a loose loop of rope around her wrists all that remained of the multitude of knots and lengths of rope on the floor.

Prudence looked down, then, without missing a beat, scurried toward to the kitchen, holding what remained of the rope onto her wrists as best she could.

“S-stop. Prudence, take that off.”

“Master? But… you worked so hard on it…”

“Don’t be ridiculous! I was just, er, testing you! Y-you’ve passed. Ahaha… I’ll allow you the chance to prove yourself this time…” Church trailed off, laughing awkwardly to cover up his embarrassment.

Looking over, Marshall was biting his fist in a desperate attempt not to laugh as Cheslav scratched his stubbly beard, looking up at the ceiling. “Eheh… Eeeeh, comrade, you say we do squishy purple ladies next?”

“Er, yes. That’s right, the shoggoths. They’re all underground, so an alternate entrance is out. We’ll have to get them tied up with- BUSY! Er, they need to be busy with something. We need a distraction. And I think…ah, Prudence. Lovely timing. You’ll be keeping the lovely ladies in the shoggoth dorm busy.”

Prudence’s eyes narrowed a bit. “Master. I don’t want to be disrespectful, but those… things aren’t ladies. And in fact, I wouldn’t use lovely to describe them either. They’re just… filth. Master-stealing filth.” She spat, grinding her teeth.

“…Quite. Regardless, I need you to keep them off us while we work.”

“Of course, Master! There’s no one like a kikimora to get real work done. I-I’ll be your table, Master! I can do it too! And I won’t ruin the carpet!” She presented Church his teacup, balanced on her outstretched hands.

“I dunno, she sheds a lot of feathers…” Marshall whispered to Cheslav.

Prudence looked at Marshall with a look of both horror and anger.

“So the shoggoths are going to be distracted by Prudence while we sneak in and make off with their underwear?”

“That’s the general idea, I mean come on, is it really that different from our usual raids?”

“My main question is, how we gonna know which shoggoth is our gal?”

“Hmmm, that remains to be figured out. How are we going to find our shoggoth?”

“Her name starts with an A don’t it? We could probably jus’ find a record with all their names on it.”

“Chap, bring me a copy of the shoggoth dormitory residence list.”

“Will have by tomorrow, tovarisch.”

“Also, get me a large plastic bin, a bottle of chloroform, and some Trojan Fire and Ice condoms.”

Marshall raised an eyebrow. “You ain’t planning another ‘necessary sacrifice,’ are you?”

“Oh no, quite the opposite. Though I’ll only need one of them. You’re free to use the rest, Marshall.”

Marshall shot him a death glare. “You’re lucky Saria wasn’t around when you said that.”

“No, you’re lucky she wasn’t around when I said that.” Church replied smugly.

“Whatever. Let’s prepare to set up a wight trap tomorrow. I think we have a good plan of action.” Marshall stood up and dusted some debris off his jeans.

“Indeed. I’m feeling a bit peckish as well. Would you like to go to the cafe, Marshall?”

Marshall grimaced, the taste of his awful salad still lingering in his mouth. “Actually, I lost my appetite.”

“…Master, can I go with you?”

END OF CHAPTER 7

>>225640

Absolutely brilliant old chap. I say this is some of the best write faggotry I've ever had the pleasure of reading

>>225706

I say, old boy. Are you such a blackguard that you are incapable of doing our learned peers the courtesy of sageing?

>>225718

My apologies old chap. In my excitement I forgot my manners and did not sage. I assure you I am no unscrupulous ruffian.

Just letting you guys know we will release the next chapter soon and we are sorry for tardiness, one of us is dealing with midterms and the other is dealing with a few pressing school projects.

>>228341

>soon

>>233715

>>228341

>soon

>>235088

Panty raiders soon fellow anon.

Chapter 8: Tweed Boy Steps in a Puddle of Trouble

The next day, Natasha stood outside the college theatre, waiting for her companions. The day before, she’d got an offer to go on a double-date from Saria. She was about to turn her down, but apparently that cute gopnik boy was coming along as well. She’d tried to avoid getting too excited, but, well… Here she was, wearing her best cocktail dress, waiting for him. She’d worn the black one with her pearl necklace, hoping he’d wear that black tracksuit he’d worn when they’d first met, the one with the white stripes. She felt like fidgeting from how excited she was, thinking about how cute they’d look together with matching outfits, but she cleared her throat and held her head high.

‘Keep calm, you’re nobility. You’re the best girl he’ll ever meet! Confidence is sexy! And look at this dress! He won’t be able to keep his hands off you!’

“Heeeey, Natasha! We’re over here!”

She peered around, eventually spotting Saria waving at her around the corner of the building. Walking over, she found the elf hanging off that er… big fellow she’d met on the raid… Marshall, was it?

“Ah, how are you two? It was Marshall, wasn’t it?”

“Ah, yeah. It’s goin’ pretty good. I feel a little underdressed with you all dolled up like that, though.” Marshall responded, giving a polite laugh.

“Oh, nonsense. We’re on a date, aren’t we? Soooo… Er, where is my date, anyway?”

“I think he’s waitin’ for you around the corner, actually. Said something about having a private talk with you or something.”

‘NobilityNobilityNobilityNobilityNobilityNobilityNobilityNobilityNobility’ Natasha thought to herself frantically, trying to avoid showing her excitement. She checked her watch, trying to look nonchalant.

‘Do we have time for a quickie before the show? I mean, I don’t want to ruin the mood… I guess we could just come in late…’

“Oh, he does? Well, he’d better be quick about it. The drama club’s finally putting on a good production, so I wouldn’t want any of you to miss part of it and not understand what a work of art it is.”

She strutted confidently into the alley, ready to meet her date. Would he take initiative? Should she press him for it, or should she just tease him into-

“Natasha, am over here, need to talk secretly.”

She caught a glimpse of him, standing in a dark corner. This was it, wasn’t it?! It had to be an invitation at the very least. They could do it right against that brick wall, but they’d need to be quiet so the others didn’t hear them.

“Hmm? And why should I come to you? Why don’t you come out here and take me, big boy?”

“Natasha, am over here, need to talk secretly.”

“Well, if you insist, but you’ll be needing to pay me back~”

She sashayed towards him, more and more excited with every step. He’d finally be all hers. She reached the edge of the shadow he was standing in, nearly within arm’s reach. ‘Oh, yes. Let’s see you smash the nobility, bolshevik boy.’

“Natasha, am over here, need to talk secretly.”

“I’m right here, you silly man~”

Suddenly, a loud clang sounded out all around her as everything went pitch-black. She jumped, grabbing onto Cheslav, who was… made out of cardboard?

“Saria. Is she okay? Like… up there?” Marshall asked to the elf, who burst out laughing after having held it in for the last few minutes.

“I don’-pff- I dunno anymore, Marshall.”

“I mean, like, how did she not see a giant box being propped up with a stick? I thought you’d lost it when you said it’d work.”

“And, I mean, did you see her reaction to a tape recording?” Saria kept laughing, burying her face in Marshall’s chest. He awkwardly patted her head, not sure where to put his hands.

“Welp, uh, let’s get going. Hey, Cheslav! Give us a hand puttin’ this thing on your truck, will ya?”

***

“Why am I here?” Natasha spat, handcuffed to one of the chairs in the clubroom.

“Because you are going to be telling us who’s behind this underwear raid you’ve staged, you decomposing dolt.” Church leaned in, eyes narrowed.

“I don’t know a damn thing about what you’re talking about, tweed boy.”

“Oh? Should I bring in my co-interrogator? I hear you love to talk to him.”

Church brought out the cardboard cutout of Cheslav that had been the bait for their trap, doing a poor impersonation of his voice. “Er, of helloings, I am Chap, so sexy man of tracksuits.”

Natasha turned a bright red, struggling against the handcuffs in vain.

“Prudence, wait! We need to plan this out, not just go in brooms blazing!” Church called out, trailing far behind the rest of the group chasing after her.

“THOSE MASTER STEALING JELLO-SLUTS! I WILL NEVER TAKE ORDERS FROM THEM AGAIN! NEVER NEVER NEVERNEVERNEVER!!!” Prudence zoomed ahead while everyone else tried desperately to catch up to her. Even Cheslav, who was usually the fastest of the group, couldn’t keep up.

“It’s… no use, we ain’t… never gonna catch… her at this rate…” Marshall said between frantic breaths, falling behind the rest of them. He carried the plastic bin in his arms, which didn’t help him keep up either.

“Push through, Marshall, we’ve got to either stop her before she reaches the dorm, or take advantage of the ruckus she’s going to cause.”

Marshall groaned, not wanting to be passed by the gimp, and kept trudging on.

Of course, Prudence managed to reach the shoggoth dorm before the rest of them did, grabbing the hatch that led to the underground dorm and ripping it off its hinge with her bare hands before hopping in.

“RRRRAAAAAAAHHH! YOUR TIME HAS COME, SHOGGOTHS!” She screamed, causing the subterranean residents to look up from whatever menial task they were doing.

“Uhhhh, can we help you?” One of the shoggoths asked.

“I CAME TO DO REAL MAID WORK FOR MY MASTER, AND THE FIRST THING TO DO IS GET RID OF THESE FAKE MAIDS IN FRONT OF ME!”

Another shoggoth tilted her head. “You’re crazy, we’re just cleaning up the messes you kikimoras are unable to, you know, like dandruff and fine dust particles.” She grinned.

“What… did you…just say?” Prudence reached inside her pocket for something. Suddenly, the shoggoths looked a lot more concerned.

“Boy she bout to do it!” One of them shouted while running deeper into the dorm.

“Pocket saaand!” Prudence shouted while tossing sand as far as she could.

“Hey what the heck?” One of the shoggoths ducked to avoid the incoming sand. “We just got done cleaning the dorm an hour ago! H-hey!” She jumped back to avoid being swatted by Prudence’s broom of JUSTICE.

“D-don’t you dare give me your excuses, you impostors!” Prudence shouted, continuing to swat at the shoggoths while they dodged out of the way. She finally landed a hit on one square in the chest, but her gelatinous body closed around the broom, trapping it.

Prudence tried to tug it out, but it was clear the broom wasn’t going anywhere. Still, she didn’t fret. Rather, she grinned as she reached under her skirt and pulled out another broom.

“Where… were you keeping that?” The shoggoth asked with a mixture of confusion and horror. Prudence ignored her, swatting her with the new broom faster than she could prepare to capture it.

Meanwhile, Church and the rest of the gang crept quietly down the shoggoth dorm, listening to the racket Prudence was causing. Truly, she was the perfect one for the job. At the base of the stairs was a long, tiled hallway lined with doors all the way down the concrete walls. The first door led to the main room where most of the shoggoths spent their spare time, while the other doors were either bedrooms or closets solely dedicated to cleaning supplies. After all, one of the shoggoths’ favorite pastimes was cleaning their dorm.

“We have to stay quiet, who knows where the rest of them are? I wish there was some way we could reliably find Amy…” Marshall whispered, following Church down the hall.

“Marshall, I don’t think you’re going to like this, but I think we should split u-”

“No way, josé. Last time we did that we-”

“Now, hear me out, hear me out. We can focus on more than one thing here, Chap and I will take care of Prudence, while you go search for this ‘Amy’ character. If we find her, we will call you. You can also steal some panties while you’re at it.”

Marshall rolled his eyes. “I guess, but if I need help, you guys better come for me.”

“Oh don’t worry, we wouldn’t dare abandon our dear friend.”

Marshall grumbled, grabbing the plastic bin and creeping down the hallway, systematically checking the bedrooms while Cheslav and Church watched Prudence from outside the room she was in, making sure she wasn’t doing anything too insane.

After the first bedroom turned out to be locked, Marshall moved on to the next room. Before he reached it, however, he heard the pitter-patter of light footsteps behind him. He suspected one of the shoggoths might follow him, but this soon?

He spun around, raising his fists to turn and face… Saria?

“Saria, the hell are you doing here?” Marshall whispered. “I almost punched you in the face!”

“I-I-I was just… I’ve got nowhere else to go since you canceled our lunch date, so I figured I’d follow you!” She fiddled with her hair. “O-of course, I wouldn’t mind if you punched me, since it’s you…”

Marshall ignored that final comment. “It’s dangerous here! I’m workin’ and don’t need you here jeopardizin’ me or yerself.”

“Pleeeasssee? Let me tag along, I promise not to be too much trouble!” She begged, hanging off of Marshall’s back.

Marshall ran his hand down his face. “You know what? I doubt telling you to go away is going to work, so fine. You can tag along. Just know that this technically counts as the date I owe you.”

“A-actually you owe me two, since you know… the whole closet thing.”

“R-right.” Marshall peered into the next room, which was empty. He took this opportunity to grab some panties for the wall of triumph.

“S-so, this is what you did when you were in my dorm?” Saria asked, wrapping her legs around Marshall’s midsection in order to hold onto him tighter.

“Yeah basically.” Marshall crept out of the room and took another look down the hallway, relieved to find it was empty. “We go around stealin’ panties and putting them on our Wall of Triumph.”

“Wall of Triumph?”

“Ya may have seen it when we had you at our base, it’s the wall where all the panties from our exploits are kept.”

“Ooooh! Yeah I might’ve seen something like that, but I was more focused on you~”

“I reckon half the time you weren’t even able to see it since we blindfolded you and all.”

“Hey, you two!” A voice called suddenly from behind them.

“Oh shit!” Marshall whispered. “D-don’t say anything, I’ll do all the talkin’.”

“You two, what were you doing in my bedroom!?” A shoggoth said sternly.

“Uh…” Marshall had to think fast, it wouldn’t be long before she freaked out and called campus security. “W-we’re here with the trash collectors, here to get yer recycling, ma’am.” He chuckled nervously.

The shoggoth looked at him, raising an eyebrow. “We take care of our own trash, you know.”

“Oh! U-uh right, just kidding, haha.” Marshall furiously wracked his brain for another excuse. Maybe… just maybe he could pull this off. “H-have you heard of Amy by any chance? Eheheh…”

Her face softened. “Oh, you know Amy?” She leaned in, looking to either side of her. “Are you… Marshall by chance?”

“The one and only.”

“Oh, she talks about you from time to time, Marshall! Come with me, I’ll take you riiiiight to her.” She winked at him, then beckoned him to follow.

Marshall pushed the container down the hallway, Saria awkwardly hanging off his back as they got closer to Amy’s room.

“So, got anything… special planned for tonight?” She asked, causing Marshall to flush.

“Errr, well, whatever do you mean?”

“Oh, you know what I mean.” She winked.

“Oh! Y-yeah, you know how it is with Amy, haha.” Marshall laughed uncomfortably, causing Saria to hold onto Marshall more tightly.

“Mmm yeah, I bet she has something… special planned for you. I hope you’re a fan of strap-ons.”

Marshall broke out into a cold sweat, he most certainly was not, but he had to find a way to get to her. “I-is that so? Ha, I do like them strap-ons.”

‘D-does he really?’ Saria thought to herself. She hopped off his back to write something down in a notebook she kept in her back pocket.

“Hey, what’re you doin’? S-stop that!” He whispered.

“Kinky…” The shoggoth turned around, walking backwards so she could face him. “I have… an odd question for you.”

“Shoot.”

“Do you think there’s room for a fourth?” She twiddled her fingers. “I can imagine she’s gonna be the strapon and that little elf on your back is going to wield her. Maybe… I can be the ball gag?”

“HOooooOOokay, I’m gonna have to politely decline your offer there. B-besides, four’s company is a little crowded don’tcha think?”

The shoggoth looked down, dejected. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Oh, speaking of right, her room is right here. Don’t let me get in your way, now~” She gave a short bow and headed off.

“Alright, so far you’re doin’ good, once again, lemme do all the talkin’ and go along with anything I say, capiche?”

Saria nodded, her cheeks burning red. In her mind, they were about to go in and have a threesome with that shoggoth. That’s what they were talking about, right? A-and peg him with a strap on? She didn’t know if she was ready for something like that. Oh lord…

Marshall knocked on the door, within seconds a short shoggoth with a traditional maid outfit and glowing yellow eyes answered it. “Oh, i-is that you, Marshall? What are… you doing here?” The shoggoth blushed a dark purple.

Cheslav clenched his fists, then threw his hat on the floor.

“Yebat’sya srat’sya! I tell him! Every time I say ‘Church, be careful!’ And what does he do? ALWAYS! ‘Oh, Cheslav, am always bloody careful, of pippings and cheerios!’ What the blyat does this even mean?! IS CEREAL, STUPID! Even Cheslav knows this and does not even speak language!”

Walking up to the wall, Cheslav began to hit his head against it. “Is fourth time, blyat! Drooling on floor like idiot, and Prudence not even awake to lick up this time! And who carries idiot friends out of dorm raid? Is Cheslav, always! Marshall is always of sexing instead of sneaking, and Church could not open vodka bottle without help! ‘OOOOH, HAVE GREAAAAT PLAN THIS TIME COMRADES, MARSHALL HAVE SEX WITH TWO GIRL, AND CHAP BRING CHLOROFORM FOR INSANE FEATHER LADY!’ Eto pizdyets! Is everyone pizda s ushami?! Mne do lampochki! Cheslav never gives fuck, make him do all work! Oi, blyat, babushka, where did go wrong?”

The shoggoths were quiet, listening to his rant until about twenty seconds after it ended. “Uh… would you like some help bringing them out?” One of them offered.

Cheslav spared a glance in their direction, then sighed. “Please, take Church. Do not smell jacket, listen to Cheslav. Church never listen.”

“You know, our anatomy is dramatically different from yours, we aren’t affected by most chemicals.”

“Whatever, squishy jello ladies know what Cheslav means.”

***

Outside the dorm, Cheslav bid the shoggoth that helped him farewell, insisting that he could ‘be takings it from here.’ She bowed before heading back down to the underground dorm to help her sisters clean up all the sand. Cheslav regrouped with Marshall, who waiting just behind some bushes with both the captured shoggoth and Saria.

“Holy heck, what happened in there, Cheslav? Are they alright?”

“Crazy feather duster and mister chloroform are both fine, need smelling salts again.”

“Hoo boy, did he smell his own jacket again?”

“FOURTH TIME, COMRADE! FOURTH. TIME.”

“Pff, fuckin’ idjit thinks he knows how to use chloroform from watching one or two episodes of Miami CSI.”

“Can you carry Church on plastic bin? Cheslav will carry Prudence.”

“Leave it to me, partner.”

With Church sprawled out on top of the plastic bin and Prudence slung over Cheslav’s shoulder, they all headed back to base.

***

“So, any chance you’re going to explain to me why you brought me here?” Amy asked, her voice muffled by the container but still audible. At first she was in shock at actually being kidnapped, but now she was just irritated.

“I’d love to, but first we gotta wake up the lovebirds from their unexpected slumber.”

“Wakey wakings, eggs and bakings…” Cheslav chanted, wafting a tiny jar of crystals under the unconscious duo.

Church and Prudence both inhaled sharply, then started to cough and sputter from the strong scent of the smelling salts.

“Oh god, what the fuck Chap! Wh-why would you do that? What’s going on here?”

“U tebya cho ruki iz zhopi rastut? You smell chloroform shirt again, Church.”

“I did? I don’t think I’d be that stupid.”

Cheslav clenched the jar of smelling salts tighter. “Evidence is pretty overwhelming, comrade.”

“Oh. Well… Do we have the shoggoth we’re looking for?”

“Da, go see comrade Marshall.”

“What the heck was that!?” Prudence rubbed her head, her coughing fit finally ending. She looked around and saw she was back at the base, Church and Marshall were gathered around a plastic bin filled with purple slime and Saria was admiring the Wall of Triumph. But… Where was Cheslav?

“Prudence.”

She squeaked. “Ah!? Oh h-hey Cheslav…”

“Cheslav could really use some vodka and lemon.”

She snapped to attention, bowing before hurrying into the kitchen. “R-right away!”

Meanwhile, Church approached the sealed container, bending down and tapping the top of it with his cane. “Feeling a bit crowded in there?”

“Yeah, I’d really appreciate it if you let me out.”

Church snorted. “So you are uncomfortable, good. Maybe that’ll mean you will give us the answers we need quicker.”

“What answers?? I already told Marshall that I was only a messenger! Ask Narjala! I had n-nothing to do with…” She starts to trail off, as if she realized she said too much.

“Oh?” Church leaned in even closer, his face right up against the container and staring into her yellow orbs. “Who’s Narjala?”

“I-I shouldn’t, I can’t tell you.”

“I, for one, think you should if you want to leave anytime soon.”

“Come on, Amy. I don’t wanna keep ya here any more than ya wanna be here.” Marshall added.

“But… She’s my friend, I don’t want to rat her out.”

“You see, while I sympathize with that reasoning, I can’t let you leave until you tell me what I want to know. So your choices are to either cooperate or prepare for some more… persuasive methods.”

Amy gulped. “P-persuasive? Like what?”

“Marshall, go get a bottle of pop from the fridge.”

“You mean soda?” Marshall corrected.

“Pop.”

“Soda.”

“Just get the damn bottle!”

“Fine, be wrong for all I care.”

Marshall left for the kitchen, then came back with a 2 liter bottle of Pepsi, just so they weren’t wasting any good soda.

“What are you doing with that… soda?” Amy asked nervously.

“Aha! See, she calls it soda too!”

“Shut up, you inbred moron. As for you, Amy, have you ever been… stuffed somewhere so horrible that you would do anything to get out? Not only is it slippery and slimy, but you feel every part of your body wracked in both searing heat and biting cold?” Church smirked, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a fire and ice condom.

Amy gasped. “You wouldn’t!”

“Oh, you don’t know me well enough to assume that. Show her what’ll happen to her if she doesn’t give me some answers, Marshall.”

Amy looked at Marshall with pleading eyes, all Marshall did was shake his head. “Sorry, we really need to know this.” He was about to pour the soda inside when Amy spoke up.

“W-wait! I think I have a compromise!”

“Oh? You think you’re in a position to negotiate?” Church asked curiously, leaning on his cane.

“I-if you promise to frame someone else for telling you, I won’t tell campus security about you guys kidnapping me.”

Church paused, he forgot that kidnapping was against the rules. “Well. You drive a hard bargain, but who would we even frame?” He stood there, pondering for a minute. “I’ve got it! We blame Prudence!”

“Wait, what!?” Prudence snapped her head in Church’s direction.

“We ain’t doin’ that, why don’t we just claim we eavesdropped or somethin.”

“Cheslav suggests we blame the alps.”

“What is it with you and alps you bloody twink? I like Marshall’s idea better, make them think we have a secret network of spies or something.”