/monster/ - The Last Bastion of Romance

“So… Alphabetical or chronological?”

“For god’s- Look, you dunces, we’re done!”

Prudence’s face blanched. “N-no! Master, don’t tell me you’re broken again!”

“What? No! Do you know what it meant when that oversized fruit blew up her dorm to keep us from a massive pile of our hard-earned gains- in front of so many people?”

The room was silent.

“We’re more fucking famous than we could hope for in our wildest dreams! I couldn’t have possibly dreamt up a better publicity stunt than that! And we kicked the living shit out of her after she pissed herself over a chicken! Three dozen more damned raids couldn’t get us that!”

“So, uh…?”

“So we’ve finally taught those damned harlots who’s in charge here! I’m a living god damned legend! There’s going to be copycats! The weak will tremble at our coming! There’s not a woman around who’d dare try their luck at raping us now!”

“Uh, Church… I think that’s more ‘cause o’ the girlfri-”

“Nonsense, boys! We’ve done it! Hand me that bottle of gi-” Church cringed, then sat back down, holding his head. “…er, never mind, actually. I don’t remember much, but that’s certainly how last night began.”

Prudence was nearly panting at her Master’s show of bravado. She walked around the table to face him, her hips swaying. “M-Master?”

Church had begun writing again, and didn’t bother looking up. “Yes, what is it?”

Prudence put her leg up on the table, biting her lip. “What are you doing right now? I mean, really?”

“My bloody homework. I think I’ve gone over this.”

The kikimora ran a hand up her thigh, sighing gently. “You know, I think I know a way to get rid of that nasty headache of yours~”

The man locked eyes with her, and she nearly melted. “Well. I think step one of a cure might be having maids’ feet off my sodding table.”

The girl bashfully pulled her leg down, but leaned in, resting her chest on the table. “But Maaaster~ Shouldn’t we celebrate? I mean, last night was… well…”

“Good lord you’re needy. Will you at least clear your damned bits off my workspace?”

Prudence pouted a little, running her finger in a circle on the tabletop. “C-can we do it after? Saria and Natasha got to do it with their boyfriends…”

Saria looked pleased with herself, smirking at Natasha, who was desperately trying to cover up the fact she was blushing.

Church looked up again, trying to stare down the unflinching kikimora. “Fucking- look. You need to shut up, so imagine I just said whatever’s going to make you do that.”

“R-really?!” she lifted her hands to her face, delighted. “This really is the best day of my whole life!”

“Keep in mind that I didn’t say that I would.” Church moved his eyes back down to the paper, but glanced back up again. “Have you started wearing an engagement ring, Prudence?”

“W-well, um…”

Church felt a little conflicted. Why? It wasn’t his business what she got up to. Still, it… stung somehow that he hadn’t even heard about it. She was his maid, wasn’t she?

“Well, er, congratulations, I suppose.”

“I mean… proposing right on my birthday and… I couldn’t say no!”

“I said that’s good for you, let’s move on.”

“But Master!” Prudence dashed around, grabbing both of his hands. “You were so romantic! A-and you even stole a ring for me, right then and there!”

“…Me?”

She looked down at the ring on her left hand again, tearing up. “…and it’s the p-prettiest thing I’ve ever seen, too…”

Church slowly brought his gaze down, looking at the kikimora’s hands, and then his own. Sure enough, his signet ring had been moved to his left hand to match Prudence’s.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

In perfect sync, Saria and Natasha spun around, giving expectant stares to their boyfriends.

END OF STORY

Thanks to everyone who stayed with us during this long writing journey. If you all want to let this thread die, then we wont write anymore. If not, then we have the first chapter to our next project, the bonus episodes, already written. Let us know what you think we should do. Also, if there's anything you're still confused about regarding the story, let us know. We know the story is faaaaar from perfect and want to be able to clear anything we didn't write properly.

>>337658

Can it be, it's not dead? Glorious, i knew it was worth it to check around every day.

Please do post the bonus episodes/other shit here, would love to read more

>>337842

Good news

Bonus Episode I: The Raider Menace

Rose was puttering around the front of the mansion, replacing the flowers in the vases, but not doing anything particularly important. She certainly took her job as a maid seriously, but the head maid was a bit pushy about ‘working hours,’ so she was essentially waiting for the clock to run out so she could get back to working on a little something for next wee-

The familiar sound of the doorbell interrupted her thoughts. Well, at least shepherding guests might take up some more of the remaining time.

She pulled the door open, finding three unfamiliar men on the doorstep.

“…Can I help you?”

The tallest coughed, then stepped forward. “Uh, yeah… We’re lookin’ for Lily. Is she in?”

As if any of the maids were allowed to be anywhere else at this time of day. “Yes, sir. Would you like me to bring you to her?”

“Well, I don’t wanna- want to be a bother. We could just go and-”

It was a slim damned chance she was going to let three strangers wander the house unattended. She knew how dangerous it was better than anyone. “Oh, no sir. I insist. Guests are supposed to come first, after all.”

The shortest man stepped forward, looking back and forth between his compatriots and Rose. “Could just-”

Like hell they were getting out of this. She could tell this was going to take at least ten minutes, and there was only half an hour left until she was free. She turned on her heel, cutting off the man speaking. “Please, follow me, gentlemen.”

She allowed herself a little smile as she heard them hesitantly begin following her.

As she led them up the staircase to the second floor, she caught another one of the maids none-too-subtly checking her phone in an alcove. The poor girl nearly fainted when Rose patted her on the shoulder.

“AAAH! O-oh… i-it’s just you, senpai… I thought… I-is she around? I’d better get back to-”

Rose cringed. Why the hell did she always- Whatever, back on topic. “Hold it. Is Lily in the study right now? She’s got guests.”

The other maid rolled her eyes. “Is she ever anywhere else?”

“Oh, I imagine she has to stand outside the door when the master needs to use the toilet.”

The other maid chuckled. “I did hear her chatting with Master-sama a while ago, so I think she’s playing chess with him again.”

Would it kill her to speak like a normal person for one damned day? “Well, Lily’s nothing if not predictable. Thank you.”

>>337906

Fortunately, the study wasn’t far off. She rapped on the mahogany door as gently as she could, trying not to bother the master if she could avoid it. “Erm, pardon me, Sir, but-”

The man’s voice just barely managed to make it through the heavy door. “Oh, come in if you need to speak with me, girl. I can hardly hear you all the way out there.”

“Ah, of course…” She opened the door softly, finding her master and Lily playing a game of chess by the fireplace.

Of course. Lily almost never left the master’s side. Even if her work didn’t involve serving him, she always seemed to find a way to slip back into the study and suck up to him some more. Rose wasn’t jealous, per se, but Lily did tend to hog him a bit. She even tried to dress like him, for god’s sake! Rose wasn’t entirely sure how she managed to get away with wearing men’s clothes, with the kind of restrictions the rest of the girls had to put up with.

“Pardon me, but Lily’s had some guests arrive looking for her…”

The girl nearly jumped out of her chair at the mention of the men. “Oh! Sir, I joined the polo club at my school, just like you suggested!”

He squinted a little. “Well, I didn’t actually suggest-”

“W-would you mind terribly if we left our little game for another time, Sir? It’s just that… well… we’ve got a big game coming up, a-and… well, if you’d like to come, we’d love to have you! We just need, er… a bit more practice.”

The master of the house scoffed. “…Oh, please do. I’ve got work to do, anyway.”

***

The next morning, Rose nearly grabbed her maid uniform out of habit. She had nearly forgotten the new term at the college was starting, and she’d just be working in the evenings now.

On the way out of her room, Rose ran into one of the other maids, Daisy, happily bouncing around in her maid uniform. As soon as she noticed, the younger girl dashed up to her, eyes sparkling.

“Good morning, Rosie!”

Ugh. This again. “Would you quit calling me- Whatever. Wait, don’t you have school right now?”

“Well I just wanted to get up early and get a start and talk with everyone before I had to leave! I was just waiting to see you! Isn’t it your first day? Are you going to have fun? Are you going with Annie again?! Wait, what time is it?”

Rose checked her watch, blinking the last of the sleepiness out of her eyes.“I… probably? It’s almost ten, Daisy.”

The younger girl’s eyes began to well up with tears. “B-but I… a-and… w-what do I do?!?! Class already started! Will they think I’m a bad girl?! I didn’t mean to! I just didn’t know what time it was and-”

Rose tried to ignore the fact that Daisy was clearly wearing a small watch. The girl was always a bit… different than the rest of them. “Look, just go get changed and hurry over. You can’t do anything about it now.”

Daisy seemed to be trying to quiver fast enough to go back in time, but she just hung her head. “O-o-okay…I’ve gotta hurry!”

Rose could only sigh when the poor girl dashed off in the wrong direction. She was a good girl, but exhausting to say the least.

Picking up her lunch from the kitchen, she made her way out to catch a bus to the college.

When she got to the bus stop, Lily was already there, standing beside a tall elven girl, who waved to her. “Hey, Rosie. Ready for school?”

“Yeah, you bet your ass I am, Ana. A couple hours without the boss hovering over me are good hours.” Rose said.

Her fellow kikimora straightened her tie and stood up a little taller. “Well, maybe you ought to do your job a little better, then. Sir always compliments me on my work.”

Rose’s eye twitched. “Why? Do you get your nose far enough up his ass that it tickles his prostate? Some of us actually clean the house.”

Lily huffed in indignation, but couldn’t retort before the bus arrived.

***

>>337907

A few hours later, the elf and two kikimoras sat down at a table in the cafeteria of the college, Rose visibly fuming.

“Can you believe that damned TA? Uuuu, maybe you should take your time commitments more seriously, Rose. I mean, a day fucking one lab assignment and he’s getting snarky? Your section didn’t even get one!” Rose pointed an accusatory finger towards Ana, who only threw up her hands. “In fact, I’ve got half a mind to teach him a lesson, the prick.”

Lily scratched her chin. “I did hear from the lads in the polo club that he’s like that twenty-four hours a day, even in the dorms.”

Rose scoffed angrily. “He’s doing his doctorate and he still lives in the dorms?”

The elf grinned, leaning in a little. “Well, isn’t that a good thing, Rosie? You’ve been itching to clean out another room since we stole all that poor girl’s underwear last semester.”

Rose huffed. “She deserved it. This is about 'JUSTICE','' Ana.”

“Mmmhmm. I’m sure it’s not to impress those fine young men who’ve been stealing underwear. We’re meeting at 7 outside my house again, then?”

“Oh, shut up. And don’t be ridiculous, Lily’s getting us information on his schedule.”

The younger kikimora jumped. “W-what?! No! I’m not doing this again! We barely got away with it the last time! What would the master say if he caught us?!”

“Well, since your nose is so far up his ass, I don’t think he could catch you doing the dishes without an endoscope.”

“Oh, is this it? You’re just jealous because Sir and I have a personal relationship? Maybe if you stopped being so stuck-up around the house sometimes, you could-”

“N-now, now, girls, why don’t we-” Ana was cut off by the two maids, who were completely lost in their own world.

“…Something is going to be stuck up if you two don’t stop your bickering, and I think it’d be a lot less pleasant for the both of you than it would for me.” She said, eyeing the condiments on the table menacingly. The other girls reluctantly quieted down, and she continued. “Now then, there’s no need to be rude, Rose. Lily, you don’t want to do this?”

“Of course not! It’s against… everything! The rules, and Sir’s trust, and… er… You know!”

“Well, nobody said you had to, sweetie. If you want to pass up ingratiating yourself to those nice young boys at the polo club, it’s your own choice.”

“W-what?”

“Oh, you know. You said they were having a problem with our dear TA, so I thought you might stick up for them. In the spirit of camaraderie and so on.”

“Well, it’s not like I wouldn’t like to, but it’s just so… underhanded!”

“Well, that’s fair. I suppose a gentleman like your dear Sir would do the same, given the situation. I mean, if it’s not convenient to stick your neck out for your friends, then why bo-”

“You take that back, you harlot! He’s noble and honourable and twice as great as you’ll ever be!”

“Well, apparently he’s more noble than you, as well, hmm?”

Lily pouted, biting her lip. “…F-fine. I’ll do it, but this is for the sake of my lads, not whatever godawful fetish the pair of you have.”

***

The three girls leaned on a wall outside the boys’ dorm. Fortunately, it was fairly common for girls to be waiting outside for their boyfriends, but their contact on the inside was late.

“You said he’d be here, Lily.” Rose huffed.

“I… well, it’s not my fault! He ought to be here already! He’s probably just cracking open a cold one with the boys somewhere and-”

“Oh, can it. If your beta orbiters aren’t coming, we’ll do it ourselves.”

Ana patted Lily on the back. “Oh, come on. We’ll be in and out faster than you can say ‘harder mommy!’”

“What?”

The elf patted the younger kikimora’s head. “Shhh. Don’t worry about it, sweetie.”

Lily looked like she was about to object before Rose elbowed her in the ribs. “Shut the hell up before you make it worse.”

***

>>337908

Later, that very same raid…

“Is this the one?” Rose asked.

“Three fourty… yes, this is it.” Lily pressed her ear against the door, listening for movement inside. “…Nobody home, eith-.”

“Good. Hold this.” Rose handed off her hat to Lily, rolling up her sleeves and walking back to get a running start before dropkicking the door. She flew straight into the room as the unlatched door swung open with a thunderous crash.

“Gah, fuck!”

Lily huffed, handing her hat back. “If you’d listen, I could’ve told you it was unlocked.”

“Er, girls?” Ana looked back down the hall, the way they had come. “I think you might have attracted some unwanted attention…”

The younger kikimora panicked. “Wh-what?! Oh no… I can’t get caught like this! We could get kicked out of school! What if Sir finds out? Uh… uh… C-can’t you do anything, Ana?!”

A sadistic grin spread over the elf’s face. “Can I? Oh, don’t worry, I’m an excellent distraction, sweetie~”

“Perfect. Don’t hold back!” Rose called out.

Ana grinned, jogging off toward the sound while giggling sinisterly.

***

“So, er… How are you planning on doing this?”

Rose looked up from rifling through a chest of drawers to stare at the other kikimora. “What?”

“I mean… are we just running them up a flagpole or…?”

“Look, we can deal with it later. All I know is that this fuckhead is going to have a bad case of dick chafing tomorrow. Check his closet, will you?”

The kikimoras spent a few more moments in silence before they finally found their target.

After a few minutes, Rose and Lily crept down the hallway with their sack of loot, back the way they had come.

“Should we just leave her behind?” Rose whispered. “She’ll catch up, right?”

“What if something happened? We can’t just ditch he-”

Lily was cut off by Ana’s voice drifting out of a door down the hall. “Hey, get back here! We’re not done!”

A man stumbled out of the room in a panic, the remains of his pants around his ankles. Was that? Rose suddenly recognised him as one of the men who had visited Lily the day before.

“L-Lily! Help! I-I was looking for you, and then I got grabbed out of nowhere and-”

Ana walked out of the room after the man, a large pink strapon bouncing with every step. “Oh! Hi girls! Done already?”

Rose began to speak, but realised she had no idea where to even begin.

“You know, if you need more time, I could distract this little cutie for you aaaaall night~”

The man began gibbering incomprehensibly, trying to hide behind Lily in his desperation.

“Ana! This is the boy we were supposed to be meeting!” Lily shouted, shielding the defeated man with her body.

“Ooooh. Whoopsie. I just got a bit excited to try out this little guy here.” She said, gesturing vaguely enough that she could have meant either the broken man clutching at Lily’s pants or the comically large and floppy dildo she had attached to herself.

“I… y’know, let’s just get out of here.” Rose said, reshouldering the sack.

The elf frowned. “But-”

“We’re leaving.”

***

>>337909

Having split up to draw less suspicion, Rose snuck into the manor last. Lily had gone inside a few moments before to run distraction on the head maid and Daisy, who was guaranteed to spill the beans as soon as anybody asked what they’d seen.

Rose hated bringing all of her ill-gotten gains home, but Ana couldn’t bring it back with her, and it would take a retard to actually leave incriminating evidence at the school. Some guys had already been caught trying to pull that, and like hell she was planning on dealing with that kind of mess.

She’d have to stash it in her room for now and wait until everyone was asleep so she could use the incinerator without any questions.

The front hall seemed to be clear, so she hurried up the stairs as quickly as possible, sparing a few nervous glances back toward the kitchen, where she hoped Lily was doing her job. Just down the hallway and she’d be there. She peeked around the corner and nearly had a heart attack when she came nose-to-nose with-

“Oh, hey Rose-chan.”

Thank god, it was just another one of the girls. Rose just held a finger to her lips and moved on. No time to waste. She was on the home stretch and-

“Ow!”

She was smacked in the face when the study door swung open, stopping her dead in her tracks.

The master poked his head around the door to see what he’d run into. “Oh, s-”

There was a long pause as he took in the young maid’s appearance. After what seemed like an eternity, he pointed at the bag she was carrying.

“…and what’ve you got there, then?”

“Er… l-laundry?”

“Then I suppose you won’t mind me having a look, would you?” He seized the bag, then began rummaging through it, finding pair after pair of men’s underwear that were clearly not his. “Are these… stolen?”

“U-um…”

“Why don’t you come sit down, my dear.” The man turned and headed back into his study, pressing a button labelled ‘kitchen.’ Oh no. That was-

“Would you come up here? Our dear Rose has something to tell us.”

Not her! Oh god. She could handle a punishment from the master, but if the head maid got involved…

“So.” He sat down at his desk, staring at Rose. “I suppose you’re trying to emulate those… panty raiders so prominent at your school, hmm?”

Rose stayed tight-lipped. Anything she said or did now would only make things worse.

“Well, I can’t-”

He was cut off when a middle-aged kikimora dashed into the room, Lily in tow.

“I CAME AS QUICKLY AS I COULD, MASTER!”

“You would, wouldn’t you? Is there any reason you’ve got L-”

“She tried to escape when she heard you call me! I think she’s up to something…”

“Well, I suppose that would make sense, all things consid-”

Lily looked on the verge of tears, and was nearly vibrating “P-PLEASE SIR! I DIDN’T WANT TO! ROSE MADE ME DO IT! I-I’D NEVER DO ANYTHING BAD LIKE THAT ON PURPOSE! I’M SO SO SO SO SO SO SORRY SIR!”

Rose clicked her tongue. She wasn’t surprised in the least, but would it have killed her to just-

“For god’s sake, will you all let me speak?” The master squinted at the assembled women, looking for a sign of defiance. “…Good. Now then, my dear. It seems Rose here has been stealing underwear from somewhere, and she’s managed to smuggle her trophies home.”

The eldest maid paused. “…r-really?”

Rose held her face in her hands. This was it, wasn’t it? She was as good as dead.

“M-Master, that’s wonderful! W-wait, she didn’t get into trouble, did she?”

What?

The older kikimora practically bounced to her Master’s side, hugging him tightly.

“Isn’t it? Rose, my dear, chin up. You wouldn’t believe how proud I am of you!”

Rose was confused. What?

“Finally, Prudence! I was starting to worry about them, you know.”

“Oh, Master! She really is your daughter!” Church cringed a little at the mention of daughters, but the older kikimora carried on regardless. “I-I… we need to have a celebration! Rosie, sweetie, what’s your favourite kind of cake?”

“Prudence-”

“A-and food! What should I-”

“Prudence!”

“We need to gather all the little ones, too! Their big sister’s big day!”

“PRUDENCE!”

The kikimora gave Church a blank stare. “Y-yes, Master?”

>>337910

“I think it’s time she got her own wall.”

Rose and Lily glanced at each other in confusion while their parents nearly squealed in glee. “Uh…”

“Come along now, girls, I’ve got something to show you.” Church said, almost rushing out of the room with Prudence in tow.

The group reached the dining room, and Church gestured to a wall of empty picture frames, looking back expectantly at Rose. “It’s all yours, my dear. We’re finally going to have a collection again!”

Rose was completely lost. She’d never really thought about why there was a bunch of empty picture frames in the middle of the dining room when there were paintings everywhere else in the house. “Uh, Sir? I don’t really-”

“Go on, then. Pick the best display pair out of your bag there.”

She picked a pair of boxers at random out of the two-dozen-some pairs she’d brought home, and he grabbed them, giving them an impromptu appraisal.

“Interesting. Well, it’s your wall of triumph, I won’t comment. So, where do you want it? Top left, or are you thinking something like an alphabetical? Your mother can whip up a label for it later.”

After much fussing, a single pair of boxers adorned the dining room wall.

“So, you’ll tell us what happened over dinner, right?” An excited-looking Prudence asked.

“Uh… s-sure?”

“Perfect. I’ll be right back down, my dear, I just have something to take care of.” Church turned to the other young kikimora on the way out. “And Lily?”

“Y-yes Sir?”

“Do try and take a little initiative like your sister now and then, would you? I swear, you do nothing but sit around wasting time on playing chess with me.”

“W-wait! Sir? I actually- Sir? …D-dad?!”

Bonus Episode II- Attack of the Daughterus

“Have good day, son!”

The words echoed in Andrei’s head as he flashed back to his dad dropping him off at school. He was so cheerful, so unashamed of himself despite having an enormous, noisy milsurp truck that was practically held together by duct tape. Why couldn’t he be quiet and out of the way, like the rest of the dads dropping their kids off?

Still, he couldn’t complain much. His dad had a surprisingly well paying job given his broken English. Then again, his dad knew how to do… a lot of things. It made him feel bad about his own lack of skills and accomplishments. How could he ever hope to overcome the odds his dad did? He didn’t know how to keep a milsurp truck running, and if he had to survive alone in the woods, he was screwed. Heck, his dad even knew how to extract caviar from a sturgeon! A feat few people could boast about.

Andrei sat down at one of the tables in the cafeteria and opened his lunch, sighing when he saw one of the popular girls in his class arm-in-arm with some Japanese-looking soyboy who didn’t even have eyes.

Maybe he just needed a girlfriend to get out of this funk. One of the guys he knew from a few years ago had suddenly gotten really popular when he asked out this girl who’d been bullying him, and he’d suddenly gotten wrapped up in some big romance drama or something.

He felt like he was pretty distant from all the girls, though. It’s not like they hated him, but they tended to stay away for… well, his friends weren’t exactly popular with people. Although… now that he thought about it, weren’t Petunia and Penelope girls?

On second thought… Even if he tried to, they were kind of-

“‘EY ANDREI, LOOK WHO I FOUND!” Shouted a kikimora all-too-loudly from the other side of the cafeteria.

Ah. Speak of the devil.

Although she didn’t just have Penelope with her this time, she was dragging an automaton behind her, who seemed to just be passively being brought along.

“Lookit, Andrei, I just picked ‘er up! Her name’s Dani!”

Despite being interrupted from his train of thought so rudely by Petunia, he found himself staring at the Automaton. What did she say her name was? Dani? His eyes were drawn to her hips, as well as her abnormally long legs that gave her a rather intimidating height of 6 feet compared to his meagre 5’11”. She was… stunning. Inhumanly beautiful, but he supposed she was a robot.

“Uh… hello? Andrei, are you fuckin’ paying attention?” Petunia glared at him, clearly annoyed at where he was staring.

“Huh? Oh shit. Sorry about that ‘Tunia. A-a-and hey uh… D-Dani… My name is… uh… Andrei.”

Fuck. Goddammit. That was supposed to sound more… cool? God, she probably thought he was an idiot now.

Maybe?

He couldn’t tell, she had the same blank look on her face like she hadn’t registered anything at all. He hoped she hadn’t, she was the cutest girl he’d seen in-

The automaton nodded to him politely and immediately turned to Petunia. “Now that I’ve met your associates, have I gained access to the small one?”

Petunia put her hands on her hips and nodded sagely, like some kind of mockery of a businessman. “Well, a deal’s a deal, after all. Have at it.”

Without a moment more of waiting, Dani swept Penelope up, holding the dormouse like a baby.

“HEY, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH DOING?!” the irate mouse shouted when she realised what had happened.

Dani squeezed her a little tighter, petting her head softly. “Shh. Be quiet little one, just accept my love.”

Petunia coughed and looked away. “Sorry Little P, she only said she’d come with us if she got to hold ya.”

“IS SHE FUCKING GAY OR SOMETHING?! WHAT THE FUCK BIG P?!” She squirmed a little harder, but was unable to escape the robot’s grasp and settled into looking mildly irritated as she continued to be petted against her will.

“So anyway Andrei, we’re going to your house again today, right?” Petunia wasn’t even really asking. Andrei knew she’d be showing up to his house whether he was there or not, and his parents would definitely let her in. He cursed having a family that had been friends with hers since before either of them had been born. He was stuck with her.

Andrei sighed, and Petunia took that as some kind of affirmation. “Good, we’ll see you after school, then! Come on, P- oh.”

As she turned to retrieve her companion, she found the dormouse asleep in Dani’s arms, cuddling into the automaton’s chest and snoring happily. Dani gave Petunia a pleased-looking thumbs-up and followed her out of the room, still carrying her prize.

***

Andrei walked up the steps to his house, all three girls in tow. Before he could even put his key in the lock, the door swung open, revealing his mother.

“Oh, Andrei! You brought your little friends over again! Are they going to stay for dinner? I was just about to go out and…” She shivered a little. “Collect the eggs.”

“Uh… do you want me to do it, mom? I know you’re kinda scared of the chickens.”

“NO! I’m not showing those little demonspawn any weakness!”

“…Mom, they’re just normal chickens.”

“THEY ARE NOT! They only pretend to be normal around you, but as soon as your back’s turned…!”

She took a paranoid glance behind her, screaming when she noticed a crowd of chickens had gathered behind her. They stared at her for a moment, then the one at the front, wearing a tiny helmet, ruffled her feathers.

The squad of chickens immediately sat down, leaving eggs on the floor before marching away.

“SEE?!” Natasha shouted, dramatically pointing at the chickens behind her.

“…Didn’t they save you the trouble, though, Auntie Natasha?” Petunia said, poking her head out from around Andrei.

Natasha fumed a moment, muttering curses at the chickens, when Cheslav stepped into the room, holding two armfuls of the birds. “Natasha, do not be mean to precious chickens! Comrade Peepers was only trying to help with chores.”

“Those… spawn of your demonic chicken shouldn’t be prancing about trying to make a fool of me! I am nobility, remember?!”

He looked mildly insulted, hugging his chickens a little closer to his chest. “Comrade Cluckers was good chicken who make more good chickens! Please be nice to little ones, they are still young and learning.”

“Young? They’re more than 20 years old! What the hell kind of chicken even lives that long?”

Cheslav looked at his wife like she’d grown a second head. “Comrade Cluckers’ babies are special chickens.”

Natasha groaned in frustration. “I’m going to make dinner. Your friends have to stay, Andrei, we have too many eggs now.”

“Wait, what? But-”

Dani pushed her way past Andrei and Petunia, eyes sparkling as she gazed at Cheslav’s armful of fluffy, fluffy chickens. “May I… May I touch your cocks?”

Cheslav was confused. “Eeeh… comrades are hens.”

“I WISH TO PET THEM.” Dani repeated, her eyes starting to glow slightly red.

One of the chickens leapt out of Cheslav’s arms and landed on the automaton’s outstretched hand. “Oh! Comrade Peckers says she wants to talk with Andrei’s new friend.”

As Dani began to stroke the hen, it began to peck her arm in an odd pattern. It was a few moments before something clicked in Dani’s head, and she looked down at the chicken, dumbfounded.

“It’s… yes, I’m Dani. …That’s right. …Really?”

Natasha poked her head out from the kitchen, squinting suspiciously at the chicken and robot. “What on earth are you doing, girl?”

“Pardon me, ma’am, we were just having a conversation in morse.”

“They know- what’s it saying?”

“Well, we were just- …I shouldn’t? I’m sorry, ma’am, Ms. Peckers says that this is a private conversation.”

A ghostly hand formed around Natasha’s, squeezing the wooden spoon she was holding until it shattered into splinters.

“Oh, is it? I’ll just leave you two to it, then.” She spat, storming off.

“…Yes, she does seem a bit… Alright, then.” Dani nodded at the chicken, then placed it atop her head.

An awkward silence passed before Cheslav broke it. “Ehhh, Petunia and friends welcome to stay for dinner. Will make boiled egg and horseradish sandwiches.”

Andrei shuddered, he hated boiled eggs and horseradish.

***

“So… robot lady. Does ehhh… have parents?” Cheslav asked, sitting at the table and being the only one to actually eat his dinner.

“Well, not in the traditional sense. The gremlin that built me can be considered my mother but…” Dani looked down at her sandwich

Cheslav nodded. “Why does tiny mouse carry around bat?”

Penelope shrugged. “Sometimes when you’re shorter than the rest, you need a little… extra persuasion to get your way, know what I’m sayin?”

Andrei scoffed. “As if it helped you with Dani.”

“You wanna run that by me again?” Penelope waved her bat in his direction.

Cheslav continued on like he hadn’t even heard the exchange. “Reminds me of favourite baton from when I was very small gopnik! Had to steal from KGB while was trying to hit me with it, but was aaaall worth it.”

Andrei groaned. He was going to do it again. However, Penelope and Petunia’s ears perked up.

Cheslav recounted tales of his childhood, growing up in a country where the mafia had a very close relationship with local civilians. He talked at length about running with gangs, helping smugglers, even drinking on the weekends with terrorists before he was 15.

Penelope and Petunia were completely engrossed in his stories, in love with the idea of being a misfit of society and making it on their own by not following the rules. Eventually, Penelope spoke up.

“M-Mr. Cheslav, sir, do you know how we could obtain the strength to destroy our oppressors?”

Cheslav’s eye twitched, his pupil replaced with a red star for a split second. “Did you say… oppressor?”

“Uhhhh…” Penelope looked conflicted, as if she wasn’t sure whether or not she should say yes or no.

“YES! They are our oppressors.” Petunia butted in, causing Andrei to scream internally.

Cheslav stood up abruptly, causing everyone except Andrei to jump in surprise. “Be of following me, young comrades.”

***

Cheslav led them down the concrete stairs, Dani needing to nearly squat to get both her tall body and the chicken perched on her head through the large steel door.

They proceeded down flight after flight of stairs until Cheslav stopped abruptly on what seemed like a random landing, causing Andrei to almost bump into him. “Uh, dad?”

The gopnik turned to address the group, squatting down and running his finger along a barely-visible string at knee height. “Veeeeeery careful of strings, children, will make loud noise and also no legs.”

“…You know what mom said about traps in the house, right?”

“Andrei my son, this is not house, this is basement. You do not have to tell mother about this, okaaaay?” Cheslav disconnected the wire from the wall and spooled it up, tossing it on the floor before beckoning the rest of the group to follow.

Penelope sidled up to Andrei and nudged him with her elbow. “D-does he… usually do this?”

“Well, not that much anymore, since my mom doesn’t really like it, but-”

“I-is there going to be more?! I mean, a-are they in your house? How many ya got down here?! How are you supposed to see those little strings?! Should I go back? What if there’s more and then I’m all alone and-?!”

Penelope nearly squealed when Cheslav patted her on the shoulder. “Don’t worry little mouse. Will be very careful to-”

There was a small thump on the ground, and Cheslav looked down at a small green grenade he’d dropped at their feet. “…oops.”

The mouse screeched, jumping backward and attempting to use Dani as a shield, quivering.

A few tense seconds passed before Cheslav burst out in laughter, slapping Andrei on the back. “Haha, is best joke, is it not Andrei?”

“DAAAD!” Andrei whined.

The mouse poked her teary eyes out from behind Dani, who was taking the opportunity to slide in a cheeky pat. “W-what?”

“Is oldest trick in book small mouse! I remember when babushka would throw in crib to see if I had will to survive!” The entire group was stunned speechless for a full minute. What were you even supposed to say to that?

After a while waiting, Cheslav merely shrugged and continued leading the high schoolers further into the bunker. They passed several signs and doors, including one that read ‘Church Escape Tunnel,’ until they eventually came to a large blast door.

“Now children, is very important to be careful in workshop. Maaaany pointy and spicy things. Also very fun things. Come, I show.”

The gopnik input several complicated-looking codes into a number of pads and the whole bunker shook as the heavy steel door slid open, revealing a veritable armoury of guns, explosives and various tools in addition to vehicles- all stowed in what seemed like an organised kind of disarray.

Dani looked around the shop, entranced at the sheer volume of machines and material that outmatched even her mother’s messy workspace. Cheslav practically pranced around the room, weaving through piles of junk and considering various items in the shop.

“Ay, blyat, not again! Was supposed to be good cosmo.” He spat in disgust, pulling out several very moist Nagants and throwing them into an empty box of similar-looking rifles. “Cannot leave barrel open for one day without more growing, blyat.”

The automaton rubbed her legs together on seeing the soaked guns treated so roughly after their impromptu grease bath.

“Oooooh, my hip servos have gotten sooooooo~ stiff from walking down all those stairs~” Dani said, her eyes flickering for a moment before artificially becoming hearts. “If only someone with small, cute little paws could rub me down for a nice reward.”

She glanced down at Penelope, who looked around the room, flustered. “Uh, that’s, uh… kinda, like… I mean, y-you’ve got a handsome fella right here, don’t ya?”

Andrei’s heart leapt. Was this his chance? Sure, she was a bit, weird, but she seemed like she was really nice! It was a lot better than his other options. This could be the start of something great for him! He could already imagine getting to walk through the school with her instead of having the school ‘gang’ following him around and making people look at him like he was a leper. “H-hey, Dani, if you want, I could-”

“Of course, Cheslav will do! Come here, robot lady.”

The tingling in Dani’s artificial loins immediately left her. “Er, no, that’s-”

“Not be silly, Cheslav will fix.” He stuck a well-greased finger into one of the automaton’s hip joints, and after fiddling around for a moment, seemingly found what he had been looking for. “Ah! This is problem!”

“Wait, d-!” Dani fell to her knees before making several sounds like a jammed photocopier, displaying a blue error screen on her eyes.

Andrei ran to the android, heaving what had to be at least 200 pounds of metal onto his lap. “Dad! What did you do to her?!”

“Took out useless garbage! Was clogging machinery, is no wonder robot lady feels pain from moving legs.” Cheslav said defensively, holding a mechanical component with a few wires on it behind his back. “Besides, is already waking up, see!”

The sound of a fan starting was followed by a little startup jingle and the robot’s eyes returned to normal. She reached up, patting Andrei on the head. Did this mean…? Was she… well, he probably shouldn’t get his hopes up, but-

“Andrei?”

“O-oh, right! Sorry, uh, I can let you go now.”

Cheslav rubbed his hands together like nothing had happened. “Now then, children, we get you things to help fight imperialists, da?”

Petunia, realising she may have gotten herself into a more serious situation than she thought, tried to interject. “Uh, actually, we meant-”

“Here, take these, will help.” He shoved an AK and several magazines into her arms before she could finish. “Now, robot lady is veeeeery tall…”

He paced around the room a bit, shaking his head at a few things.

“No, is too- Aha!” he scooped up an anti-tank rifle and an RPG that had been propped up in the same corner and dragged them over to Dani. “Now, tell Uncle Cheslav if is not enough, still have turret from tank I used to drive to high school. Now little mouse, how about nice PPSh for-”

Penelope clutched her baseball bat defensively, shaking her head. “Mr. Naptime has been with me since I was a baby! I’m not just abandoning him for some.. ''shitty' little boomstick where I can’t even see their faces!”

“Hmm… Cheslav understands. Once, had most powerful weapon in world, and was also best friend. Is sad Comrade Peckers and sisters could not meet parent.” He paused for a moment. “Ah, have idea. Come, bring Comrade Naptime, we will make stronger.”

After a few minutes of work, Cheslav wiped the sweat from his brow and handed the mouse back her bat, now with several nails sticking out the end.

Just as the mouse began chuckling in cruel glee, giving the bat a few test swings, there was an explosion outside and Natasha stormed into the room, wearing a singed cooking apron and brandishing a ladle.

“CHESLAV, ARE YOU GIVING CHILDREN RIFLES AGAIN?”

“O-oh! Natasha, did not expect so soo- er, to see you in normal, boring basement! Is wonderful idea, we give something smaller, easy to hide in backpa- Agh, blyat!”

Natasha easily lifted the aging gopnik off his feet by his ear. Babushka’s technique always worked like a charm to put a stop to whatever nonsense he’d get himself in at least weekly, if not daily. “Now, children, lay down those guns and go upstairs for dinner. Me and my DEAR HUSBAND need to have another talk about leaving TRAPS IN THE HOUSE.”

The group of teens gently placed the guns that had been thrust upon them into a heap and nearly ran out of the room when they saw the fire in her eyes.

“Ehe… B-but Natasha, is not house, is baseme- W-what are you doing with ladle?”

***

The Next Day at School

“Alright, summer break was fun and all, but this year we gotta get serious. Right Andrei!?” Petunia asked, swatting Andrei on the rear.

“Oh! Yeah, I’m gonna have to ask you not to do that. And I was actually thinking that this year would be better spent improving ourselves and our grades and stuff.” Andrei turned so she no longer had easy access to his unguarded behind.

“I agree, we’ve not done a very good job striking fear into the hearts of our enemies. We really need to…” Petunia leaned in. “…Up the ante.”

Andrei raised his eyes in suspicion. “What do you mean ‘Up the ante?’”

“Yeah. Now that we have a cold unfeeling robot to do our grunt work, I say we get a little more bold with our bullying tactics.”

“…Bold?” Andrei folded his arms.

“Yeah, if we want to get any power in this school, first we need money. Money equals power. Dani, that’s where you come in.”

Dani, who up until now hadn’t been paying attention to the conversation, suddenly jolted awake. “Uwah? Uhhh… What did you want me to do again?”

“Collect funds, go around and demand people give you their lunch money. Also, make sure to insist it’s going to a good cause so they don’t feel too bad about getting bamboozled. As I’ve learned, the best way to be a bad guy is to be ruthless in defeat but magna- magin… fuckin’… dad says this shit all the time… magnetic in victory.”

Dani considered it for a moment, then spoke up. “Very well, but in return I wish to be known as D4-N1 from now on.”

“Oh yeah! We forgot to give you a super awesome badass nickname! But eeh… are you sure you want it to be… D4-N1?”

“It’s a lot better than Big P…”

“I beg your fuckin’ pardon?”

A brief smile flashed across Dani’s face. “Nothing. I will go acquire funds.”

“Yeah, that’s what I damn well thought.” Petunia muttered before turning her attention towards Penelope. “And you, your new task is to get people scared of us. That fatass who’s always on the staircase seems like he’s a bloody big corndog fund, the fatass, so he’s a good place to start.”

“I was gonna take a nap! Come on! You know I always- Actually, you know what? Fine.” With that, Penelope picked up her new spiked bat and hurried over to the staircase near their usual meeting spot on the roof.

Upon seeing her walking towards him with a weapon in hand, the tubster attempted to make a run for it, but he walked up a grand total of six steps before falling on one knee and bracing himself on the bannister, panting like a dog with cholera. “P-please, oh g-god, take whatever you want! Just don’t hurt my corndogs!”

Penelope grinned, clearly satisfied with his reaction. “Ha. Nice try, bub. On your knees.”

Suddenly, a few heads snapped in their direction. Wait, that girl was holding a spiked bat!? Was she really just going to… in front of everyone?”

The boy trembled as he closed his eyes, waiting for whatever gruesome death she had planned in store. He was confused when he felt her head resting on his lap.

“…You ain’t going to piss yourself, are ya?” Petunia asked, eyes closed.

“Uh… m-m-maybe?”

“Pfft, better fuckin’ not. Otherwise I’ll crack your skull open with Mr. Naptime. Now shut the fuck up and don’t move, I’m tired.”

Within seconds, she had fallen asleep, leaving her victim unsure of what he should be doing or whether he should still be scared.

***

Where the hell was she? Petunia had dashed away as soon as Penelope had stomped off. He was starting to get concerned she’d do something… Drastic.

“YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH YOU MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT! HE’S WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL AND HE LOVES ME!”

Well, that definitely sounded like one of the kikimoras from next door, and he doubted Petunia’s mom had come for a visit outside parent-teacher conferences, so…

When Andrei burst into one of the empty classrooms, he found a screaming jock tied to a chair, Petunia pepperspraying the man aggressively while she held a the broken leg of another chair over her shoulder. Oh no.

Maybe he could shake her out of it? “Uh, P-Petunia? H-uh… hey hot stuff, why don’t you just let the nice man-”

The kikimora’s head spun around 180 degrees, and she squinted at him for a moment. “NO! ANDREI, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MISERABLE FUCKING SCUMBAG SAID ABOUT YOU!?”

“Look, it can’t have been-”

“HE!” She said, pointing her chair leg at the man, who was busy begging for mercy. “THIS COCKSUCKER CALLED YOU A MISERABLE PUSSY! I JUST WANTED TO FUCKING ROB HIM, BUT OOOOH, NO! HIM AND HIS BIG FUCKING MOUTH! DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE HE FUCKING SAID?! HE FUCKING SAID YOU ONLY HANG OUT WITH ME BECAUSE YOU’RE SCARED OF ME! HE SAID I WAS FUCKING CRAZY!”

“P-Petunia, I don’t know where he’d get that impression, so why don’t you-”

“I’M NOT FUCKING CRAZY, SO I’M JUST GOING TO PULL HIS TEEF OUT SO HE CAN’T SPREAD HIS FUCKING LIES ANY MORE, OKAY!? HE CAN CRAWL BACK ON HIS BROKEN FUCKING LEGS TO HIS SHITTY FRIENDS AND HE WON’T EVEN NEED TO TALK FOR THEM TO LEARN THEIR LESSON! NOW BE A DEAR AND GRAB A CHAIR LEG, WE CAN DO IT TOGETHER LIKE WE’RE GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES-”

Andrei stepped out of the room and slammed the door. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. She’d never been so mad that he couldn’t stop her before. Okay. Calm down. Who would know what to do about this? Maybe her dad would know?! He could just call him. Y-yeah!

***

Church’s phone rang unexpectedly. He already hated this. It had better not be one of those miserable bloody telephone solicitors.

“Hello?”

“CHURCH! HOLY FUCK THANK GOD YOU ANSWERED!”

Cheslav’s boy? “What in god’s name has gotten you so excited, er… And… Andrew?”

“That’s not- Okay, your daughter kind of wanted to start a gang and she needed some money so she went out to rob some people and this one guy said the wrong thing so now she’s pepper spraying him and saying she’s going to pull out his teeth and break his knees! What do I do?!”

Church snorted. “Good lord, doesn’t she know we’re rich? Why does she need to take lunch money from commoners?”

“That’s not-”

Church stopped paying attention to the phone for a moment when Prudence walked into his study with tea. “Oh! Master, who are you talking to?”

“Cheslav’s boy. Something about Petunia going around breaking people’s legs for lunch money.”

“Oh, Master, that’s wonderful! She’s turning out to be a little scamp just like we were at that age!”

“Good fucking lord woman! You don’t break a man’s legs for loose change when you’ve got our stature! This ought to be about something important like a trade dispute or morally justified like stolen underwear!”

Andrei was completely dumbfounded by the conversation he was witnessing on the other side of the phone. He knew they were a bit… out there, but… what the hell? “L-look! I really need to stop her, okay! This is going way too far and-”

“I agree, boy. I won’t have one of my servants dirtying her hands with commoners’ blood. I can only afford buy out the the school staff a few dozen more times this month. The best solution is just a bit of chloroform. You’re Cheslav’s son, so I’m sure you’ve got some stashed away in your trousers.”

“W-what?! Why the hell would I have that?!”

“You don’t? Well, I suppose you’re right fuckered then. Anyway, I have to talk to my head maid about appropriate behaviour.”

“Master, does that mean we’re having a seventh daughter?!”

“What?! NO! NO! GET THE HELL AWAY-”

Before Andrei could get another word in, Church hung up.

***

Cheslav leaned out of the door of his office, looking at row after row of his frantically working office subordinates. Being middle management sure was boring. Everyone was always so perfectly behaved and never took any breaks if he was watching. It was weird, it’s like they were scared of him when they were just glorious comrades working toward a brighter future and full capitalism!

Cheslav nearly jumped at the opportunity when the phone on his desk rang. Maybe it was the… er… what was his title? Office politburo man. “Hello, this is CIA headquarter, who needs to be sending to ‘secret’ Cuba gulag? Just kidding, is-”

“Dad, no! Petunia is losing it and Church wasn’t any help!”

“Oh, tiny Prudence again? You know, is just like her mother. You just need to calm down!”

“SHE’S HOLDING A GUY HOSTAGE AND SAYING SHE’S GOING TO PULL OUT HIS TEETH!”

“Maybe you just need to calm down situation with funny prank then?”

“W-what do you mean?” …Maybe it could work! Dad was always full of surprises!

“Will show you funny prank! Even help Marshall to meet wife! All you have to do is throw gas grenade into room! Everyone cry tears of joy and have lots of fun and be friends after! Watch!”

Cheslav reached into his suitcase, digging around a bit until he found one of his tear gas canisters and his gas mask. He stood up and walked to the door, leaning through the frame and getting the office’s attention.

“Comrades! Have present for good work!”

A few observant souls saw the gas mask in Cheslav’s hand and started bolting towards the exit, but none of the 46 office workers Cheslav oversaw managed to escape before the gas canister started pouring extremely spicy air into the office.

“See, Andrei? Everyone is having lots of fun running around and crying together! Is happy occasion!” Cheslav said, through his gas mask.

“…Dad, first of all, where the hell would I get a tear gas grenade?”

“Is one in gym bag! Made sure to pack after meddling wife did precursory check.”

“I’M NOT GASSING MY FRIENDS!”

“Don’t be silly, you see how whole office is happy! They are screaming with joy!”

“DAD, YOU’RE ON THE PHONE, I CAN’T SEE YOU! AND IF EVERYONE’S SCREAMING, DID YOU GAS THE OFFICE AGAIN?!”

“Ah! Are right, son! I will go to school and show, wait right there!”

“WAIT-”

*click*

***

Andre was getting desperate. M-maybe Marshall?

The phone rang a few times before he got an answer from a loud-sounding background.

“Hey howdy hey. Cowpoke Electric, Marshall speakin’. Can we wrangle some wires fer ya today?”

“Marshall? It’s Andrei.”

“Oh, hey buddy. Dad gas the office again?”

“Well… Yes, but that’s not what I’m calling about. Petunia is losing it on some guy and threatening to pull out his teeth and stuff.”

“Well, shit. Ya try chloroformin’ her already?”

“Why are you all- No, I don’t have chloroform!”

“…Y’sure? That don’t seem like your family. Are ya doing okay, bud?”

“Look, she’s just… I need help, okay?!”

“I’ll say. Your dad’s lettin’ you go around unprepared as all get out. Look, if ya need ta fix ‘er up right and ya ain’t got nothin’ to knock her out, why don’t ya just do what we did fer Prudence? Just find whoever’s her Church and throw ‘im in front of her.”

Andrei began to sweat. He knew who it was. He’d always known who it was, but he’d been pretending he didn’t notice. He’d hoped if he just ignored it, it wouldn’t be true. But… He wasn’t fooling anyone.

“It’s, uh…” Andrei paused, sniffling. “I-it’s me.”

There was a long pause before Marshall responded. “…I am so sorry. You’re right fuckerooed.”

*click*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

***

This was getting out of hand. He was desperate. Andrei had finally managed to catch up to Dani after all three adults were completely unhelpful, but she had already found a mark. The poor boy was pushed against a wall, the large android looming over him.

“I require funds.”

“U-uh… Do you mean, uh-”

“P L E A S E I N S E R T C O I N S”

“I-I uh… I don’t- h-have to, you know…”

“IT WOULD MAKE THE BIG P VERY DISPLEASED IF I HAD TO BREAK YOU.”

“T-the what?!”

“Then again, perhaps she’d allow it. Shall we find out?”

“I-I’m sorry, l-look, take my money, okay?!”

Dani leaned in, touching the boy’s ear with her mouth. “Guess where my coin slot is located~”

OKAY, THAT WAS ENOUGH. Andrei sensed his moment and dashed in. “DANI YOU GOTTA FUCKING HELP ME!”

“What’s the matter, third wheel?” Dani asked, casually tossing aside her would-be victim.

“Petunia is about to break a guy’s kneecaps and my dad’s coming to LOB A GRENADE AT THE SCHOOL SO I CAN MAKE FRIENDS!!!”

“I fail to see how lobbing a grenade will lead to anything but fewer friends.”

“THAT’S WHAT I SAID! Anyway, I need you to help me. I can probably handle my dad but there’s no way I can get Petunia out of this bloodlust.”

“And what should I do, then?”

“I dunno, just fucking hit them in their temples and knock them out using that perfect robot precision or something. Please? I-I’m really worried she’s gonna do something fucked up and I don’t know if I can stop her any more!”

Dani looked at the small, pathetic man begging. She hadn’t noticed how cute he was when he looked so… helpless.. She felt some of her components warming up on their own. “…Say I did help you with this little predicament, what’s in it for me~? I could also just as easily walk away and leave you all to your fate…”

“Fuck. I uhhh….” Andrei rummaged around through his backpack, looking for something, anything that could be of interest to Dani. Wait, maybe these would work…

“I’ve got some double A batteries?”

Dani looked at him, then the batteries. It wasn’t what she was hoping for, but…

“Fine, but just so you know, AA batteries are the discount dried peanuts of the battery world. I’d much prefer a nice, big D cell from you. Just something to keep in mind next time you ask me for a favor.” She popped them into her mouth, chewing them while the aluminum made the most awful noise being ground against her teeth. “Oh bwy duh wehy, hit’s wacist to asswume I eat bhattewies.”

***

Petunia raised her makeshift bat, ready to strike down the idiot who DARED to insult Andrei. She swung.

Nothing happened.

She looked up and her dumbass beating stick hadn’t moved.

Dani gripped the chair leg a little tighter. “Big P. It’s time to go.”

“IF YOU FUCKING TRY TO STOP ME, I’M GOING TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU FIR-”

The kikimora collapsed as Dani used her kung-fu chop action to instantly knock her unconscious. “There we are, Andrei. Now, are we going to-”

Before she could finish her sentence, she was interrupted by a short man in a suit bursting into the room. “Not to worry, Andrei, Cheslav is- oh. You take care of problem with tiny Prudence?”

“…Hi dad. Her name is Petunia, and yes. No thanks to any of the ‘adults’ in my life.”

“Oh, did you use chloroform? Aaaalways work for kikimora who need to have sleepy times.”

“What? Why do all of you think I have chloroform?”

“Andrei! Would never let you leave house not prepared. Did you forget about chloroform bottle in gym bag?”

“What?! I thought that was cologne!”

“Andrei, do not be silly. ‘Kikimora sleepytime juice’ is not man perfume brand, is special blend of 16 herbs and chloroforms. Do not sniff like Church, yes?”

“Fucking… Okay. Shouldn’t you be at work right now?”

“Oh, right! Came to show you this!” With no hesitation, Cheslav dropped a canister of tear gas onto the floor and donned his gas mask.

God, did his dad really think he was stupid enough to leave home without a gas mask? That would be completely irresponsible.

Dani, completely immune to a little bit of spicy gas, stood awkwardly beside the two gas-masked men as Petunia and the jock she had kidnapped sputtered and tried not to vomit.

“WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!”

END OF BONUS CHAPTER 2

Now that this thread is about to reach bump limit, should we move this to another thread? Or is there a better way than this?

>>362885

That's my secret. I'm always dead

>>362900

Another thread!

>>363705

It's actually up on touchfluffytail so we can keep the formatting and pictures.

nice bump fag

>>363714

Bonus Episode III- Revenge of the Raiders

“Ha! Got your bishop, you flop-eared nonce.”

Lily laughed politely as Church smugly looked over the chess board. “Oh! You always get me with that one, Master!”

Marshall leaned back in his chair on the other side of Church’s study and shook his head at Cheslav. Lily hadn’t been joking. They met up almost every Friday and he was pretty sure that Lily played the exact same game with her dad every time.

“You know, is surprising, little kikimora. Church is very bad at funny checkers. Even Cheslav beat once.” The gopnik said from his seat across from Marshall.

“YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH! You cheated and I’m sure of it! Queens can’t move that far and everyone knows it.”

“Mmhmm. Sure, partner.” Marshall said, taking a sip of his whiskey.

“Good lord, it’s no small wonder I’m driven to drink every time the two of you are in my study. Where the hell is my drink-maid, by the way?”

The door swung open, revealing Prudence, dressed in a German barmaid’s outfit, trying to balance several alcoholic beverages on a serving platter. “C-coming, Master!”

Church sighed. “And it’s this costume again. Why are you wearing that around the house?”

“It helps me get in the spirit of serving drinks, Master! I brought a few extra gin and tonics for you so you don’t have to wait, by the way.”

He paused. “Well, you’ve earned back a bit of my good grace. But why a German? You know, my ancestor Old Churchill fought those scum in at least three wars.”

Prudence blushed a little and straightened out her skirt a bit. “Well Master, why don’t you come take your war booty…”

“I won’t even bring up the fact that company’s over, since they’ve had to put up with your antics for nearly a quarter of a century now, but good fucking lord, did you not notice that your own bloody daughter is in the room with us?”

Prudence turned bright red when she noticed Lily sitting across from her husband. “U-um… I… uh… I was just joking, sweetie~! Just some adult humour, haha!”

“Don’t believe her for a second. She put viagra in the final glass of gin and tonic. I can see it from here.” Church leaned back a little, looking up at one of the room’s finely adorned walls. “Anyway, Prudence. Would you be ever so kind as to take your underwear off of my wall? I know this business with Rose taking up the family tradition has gotten you excited, but I won’t be having it. Especially when the wall of triumph is IN THE BLOODY DINING ROOM, WOMAN!”

Lily perked up when Church mentioned the underwear raid she’d gone on with Rose. “A-actually, Da- Master, I was there with-”

Church snatched another glass of gin and tonic, downing it in a single gulp before shaking his finger at Prudence. “You know, the bloody… ffffucking dark angels wouldn’t have tried this miserable little game with me, woman.”

“MASTER!”

Just then, Saria strolled into the room with Natasha in tow. “Did I hear storytime? I was just getting bored, since poor little Violet was getting a little too worked up from Auntie Saria’s stories~”

Natasha sneered. “I’m pretty sure you were actually just supplying a minor with-”

“Oh, hush. She turned 18 months ago.” Saria plopped herself down onto her usual spot on Marshall’s lap and folded her legs. “So… dark angels? You know, I still talk to a few of those girls every now and then on literotica.”

“Well, you’re in luck, you pointy-eared cockleeve.” Saria shivered with mild pleasure at the insult. I was almost the god of the lot of them.”

Lily’s eyes lit up, seeing the potential to earn untold amounts of Good Girl Points. “R-really, Master?! I mean, you deserve it, so it’s no real surprise, but-”

Church took another sip of liquor, apparently trying to drink himself into a coma before anyone could argue with his view. “I would have had it all, if it weren’t for those meddling kids and their dog-bird-thing.”

“D-don’t listen to your father, Lily! They’re… they’re just awful! All of them! And Master, it was your friends and beloved maid and wife who stopped you from going down that…” Prudence vibrated in freshly-remembered anger. “…that horrible fucking path with those dumb whores who were just going to rape you and pass you around like garbage and steal you from me and stop my beautiful daughters from being born and-!”

The room ignored Prudence as she began to vibrate and froth at the mouth, old and wise enough to realise that trying to interrupt her was a mistake.

Church cleared his throat and spoke a little louder to be heard over the intensely angry kikimora. “Well, it all began when I was judged in a magical trial to be the fairest in the land…”

“Hold up, partner. Me n’ Cheslav were the only ones in our right minds that whole trip and that ain’t how it happened. Now listen up, missy. We’re gonna tell you the real story.”

A long time ago, in a college, far, far away (35 minutes by bus)…

The three boys and the kikimora stood in front of the black cathedral, Church looking at the spire with disgust.

“Really? They put a statue of a dark angel masturbating with the spire? …Oh god, that’s real.”

“Black wing ladies have good taste.” Cheslav admired the obsidian-like quality the bricks had.

“Alright, partner. You’re the one that said the dark angels would be a harrowin’ ordeal, what do ya mean by that, exactly?”

“The lesson about Dark Angels was semester fucking one, Marshall. They value corruption and degeneracy above all else. Mere well-intentioned underwear thieves are likely too pure to get in, since we’re only doing it to make a statement.”

“Uh… You know, whatever. Who’s goin’ first, then?” Marshall asked.

“Cheslav will fight door. Only defeated one so big when had to escape haunted gulag during dare when was child. Cheslav never leaves home without explosives now.”

The goplet approached the door. When he paused in front of the monolithic stone, a hollow, haunting voice was emitted from within.

”YOU ARE NOT WORTHY.”

“…What, is it? No puzzle? Pizdyets, worst magic door have ever seen. Maybe should just blow up, Church.” Cheslav said, looking back at church with his hands in his pockets.

There was a long pause.

”W-WAIT.”

There was another long pause before the door spoke again.

”W-WHAT IS THE NECTAR OF THE GODS?”

Cheslav squatted into action. Was it glorious vodka? Babushka’s homemade jam? No… maybe kvass after long day of work?

Cheslav thought of home, the most /k/omfy place he knew. Wait…!

“Cosmo! Is finest lube for all occasion! Every real man should have at least one barrel. Learned in school for men in East Europe.”

The door slowly ground open, a squeak emanating from the hinges that sounded like a whispered kiiiiiiinkyyyyyy.

When Cheslav had proceeded inside and the door had shut fast behind him, Church turned to Marshall. “Well, you’re up, old boy. Don’t worry, you’re a degenerate, so you shouldn’t have any problems.”

“FUCKIN’- I don’t know why I put up with ya some days. Whatever. Headin’ up.”

Marshall stood in front of the door like it was high noon in the OK corral.

“Well?”

”SERIOUSLY? GO HOME.”

“Come on, gimme a riddle or some shit, at least!”

”WHAT’S TALL, FAT AND SHOULDN’T BE STANDING HERE?”

“…Ha, ha. So ya got some sass, huh? Let’s see how you like one’a these!” Getting a running start, Marshall kicked the door as hard as he could, instantly regretting his decision to attempt to hit a 5000-pound rock with his toes.

”HARDER, DADDY. I ALMOST FELT THAT ONE.”

Marshall let forth a string of curses that reminded everyone present that he was indeed from the American south and that the door was a deep, obsidian black.

”OOH, BETTER. STILL NOT LETTING YOU IN, THOUGH.”

“FUCK! Little help, Church? Hard ‘r’ was my only backup plan.”

“Hmm. Well, I don’t think I’d have kicked a stone door, personally.”

“YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! NO GODDAMN SHIT!”

“I don’t know, why don’t you kick a puppy or something instead? What do you want from me?”

“AND WHERE IN FUCKING T A R N A T I O N AM I GOING TO FIND A PUPPY, YOU BIG-LIPPED BRITCUCK!?”

“Rude. Wait, Prudence, you’re part dog, aren’t you?”

The kikimora shifted on her feet a little. “Y-yes, Master?”

“You know what I’m going to say. Get on all fours and bark a little so it’s more believable.”

Prudence suffered a near-crippling wave of arousal, barely stumbling over to Marshall before collapsing onto all fours. She panted a little, so humiliated she could hardly stand it. “D-do you really want me to, Master?”

Church tapped his foot. “What kind of ridiculous question is that? Get it over with, I can already tell you’re enjoying this more than you should.”

Marshall, who had managed to get back to his feet, looked down at the kikimora. “Prudence, this seems like… a little much. Why don’t we just find another way i-”

“W-woof…”

”SATAN’S SWEATY FUTA BALLSACK, SHE’S GOT ENOUGH CORRUPTION FOR THE BOTH OF YOU.”

Marshall took another glance at Prudence, who was trying to masturbate stealthily and utterly failing. “Tell me somethin’ I don’t know.”

”SHEEEIIIIIITTTT.”

The door ground open again, a little faster this time, though Marshall had to nearly drag the overwhelmed kikimora inside.

When the door shut again, Church cracked his knuckles and gave a little twirl of his cane. “Alright, you’re in for a tough fight, you oversized paperweight. You’re not pulling one over on me, though. I might be pure of intention, but I’ve got a mind like a-”

Church had barely blinked before the door had flown open, clattering against the walls of the massive cathedral.

“…What?”

”WELCOME HOME, MY LORD.

“Excuse me? I’ll have you know I’ve never stepped a bloody foot in this miserable place, and even if I did, I wouldn’t belong there!”

Church waited an awkward moment, but the door remained quiet.

“Silent treatment, eh? Awfully childish for a misplaced piece of basalt. Well, more’s the pity. I’ve got panties to steal and PURE intentions to accomplish.”

When Church walked inside, he found his companions waiting for him, Prudence still in a mild stupor, though at least standing, even if she was still whispering the word ‘woof’ to herself periodically.

“Prudence, stop that this instant or I’m calling the shoggoth again.”

“SORRY MASTER! PLEASE DON’T! I’LL BE A GOOD GIRL I PROMIS-”

“Good girl. Now shut up, we have panties to-”

Suddenly, the gang heard the distinct sound of footsteps and occasional wing flapping from underground. Prudence put her ear to the floor, feeling the vibrations generated from the footsteps getting more and more intense.

Marshal grimaced. “Our cover’s blown already. Why’d you have to alert them, Church?”

“Don’t look at me, this door swung open so hard it clattered against the wall, damn near shattered itself. I’ve never felt so… mislabeled in my life.”

“THEY’RE HERE ALREADY, BRACE YOURSELVES!” Prudence shouted as the entire dark angel dorm erupted from the basement stairs, heading straight for them in a zealous fervor.

“OH SHIT, STAMPEDE!” Marshall took off his hat and held it in front of him, bracing himself for the oncoming flood of monsters.

Brace as they might, the rest of the crew was mowed down in a tide of feathery wings and soaked panties. Church soon found himself surrounded by at least twenty dark angels, all of them taking a knee before him.

“My lord, we could feel your presence as soon as the door opened for you! We’ve been awaiting your return for decades!”

Church looked just as confused as the rest of his companions. “Err… decades? You mean you’ve attended this school for that long? Not that I’d be surprised, given how dumb you monsters are but-”

“N-no, you misunderstand, my lord! O-our temple has foretold of the return of the great Churchy-one! A nigh-immortal and unstoppable force of evil and corruption that walked the earth for longer than many men.”

“Oh, you must be referring to my grandpappy. Tragic death, his was. Cut down in the prime of his 150’s by his bitter rival. At least they both died.”

The dark angels looked a bit confused for a second. “You… do understand that you carry His blood in your veins, right? That means you’re our lord!”

Church’s face lit up. “Your lord, you say?”

Marshall cringed. He knew this was going to go right to his head.

One of the dark angels in the back spoke up. “Yes, you will be welcomed back with the grandest of all celebrations! The Black Sabbath Feast.”

“Black Sabbath? Sounds like the kind of trash Marshall would listen to. Old enough to be dated but new enough to be anything but a classic.”

Marshall recoiled. He’d been found out. “Fuck you, partner.”

“No, fuck you, cowpoke.”

The dark angel cleared her throat. “My Lord, while we make the preparations, what would you have your loyal subjects do? The mighty messiah of old left so much undone before he left us.”

“Have a bowl of peeled grapes at the ready. I think it’s time for some long overdue recognition.” Church said as he allowed himself to be led away by some of the dark angels.

Marshall and Cheslav rolled their eyes, while Prudence looked more than a little incredulous. “And just where do you think you’re taking my Master!?”

The dark angels look at Prudence like she just denounced Slaanesh. “Uh… taking him to the throne room… duh!”

“The throne room…? The only chair Master needs is me!” Prudence tugged on her master’s sleeve protectively.

“Oh, shut your damned mouth you overgrown featherduster. We both know that you’d immediately ruin the carpet, to say nothing of encouraging your disgusting little tendencies. Now then, play nice with your new fellow servants while I’m gone.”

As Church was lead away, Marshall and Cheslav turned and started heading for the exit. “Welp, he looks as happy as a pig in mud, so let’s not get in the-”

“MARSHALL.” Prudence screeched.

“Aw, come on, Pru, he don’t need us two. You go on ahead and do your darin’ rescue mission.”

“Are you-” Prudence smiled and seized the larger man by the lapels. “-Suggesting we leave your valiant leader and my FUCKING Master to a bunch of slutty, whorish awful winged harlotbags who are going to steal MY FUCKING MASTER away from me?”

“Uh, look, let’s uh-”

The kikimora pulled him closer, a murderous look in her eyes, but not breaking the fake smile. “Marshall, you really ought not to make jokes like that. Someone might get hurt. More than one person might get hurt. Master always says I’m a psychotic, irrational terrifying woman on a weak leash and I’d hate to prove him right over a little joke about leaving him here between good friends like you, I and Cheslav here.”

Marshall glanced at Cheslav for help, trying not to break eye contact with the rabid beast before him for too long.

“Guess we go save Church, then.” Cheslav said, shrugging.

Prudence let go of Marshall and stepped back, beaming. “Good! I have the perfect plan. Strip.”

Kassidy brushed her bangs from her eyes for the umpteenth time, leaning forward with her face in her hands. She just couldn’t win with these dark angels! No matter what she tried to do to ‘fit in like the other darkies,’ it wasn’t enough. She even dyed her snow white wings a jet black, which was already drawing scorn from her fellow angels.

Though, it wasn’t like she wasn’t scorned by them anyway, part of the reason she was even hanging out at the dark angel dorm was because she wasn’t like the other girls. Rather than getting her butt touched after buying pizza, she wanted to be kissed under the milky twilight, and to be swept off her feet by some bad boy with a soft, vulnerable interior that she could nurture into a perfect husband.

As she mused about how lonely she was, she gazed up into the sky, up where her other sisters were. Perhaps switching sides wasn’t such a good idea after all. Yeah, tomorrow, she would pack her bags and move bac-

Wait, what was that sound in the distance? It kinda reminded her of… no, it was too high pitched for a motorcycle engine. What the fuck was that noise?

She didn’t have to wonder for long as the sound of George Thorogood blared in the distance. Kassidy squinted as a dust cloud kicked up on the horizon, quickly approaching the gate. Out of the dust, she eventually made out a… wait, was that a moped? It parked just outside the gate, and out stepped a tall, dark, and handsome man wearing a leather jacket, black jeans, sunglasses and even a bandana on his head.

…It looked like he was arguing with the sentient door about something. He was showing off his jacket and gesturing towards it like it was supposed to mean something. After what was at least a good 2 minutes of straight arguing, the door finally creaked open.

W-was this a blessing from the dark gods?? Nothing like this had ever happened to her before! She had to go meet him, surely he was here as a sign.

As the hesitant angel skittered to the door to see who it was,she found that he was wearing a fully decorated biker jacket, complete with skulls, bullets, and studs all around. Completing the look were some fingerless gloves and a bandolier belt.

He was fucking perfect. All that pure, unbridled edge made her think…. Un-wholesome things. Kassidy tried to think of how to approach him, she only had one shot and knew she couldn’t fuck it up. But… how could she possibly hope to just… approach him without it seeming awkward or creepy?

Wait, maybe if she just started off all cool and aloof, and OH SWEET DARKNESS WAS HE POPPING HIS COLLAR?!

“H-uh… hey there, sweetcheeks. Y’all know where we can find a good time ‘round these parts?”

Oh no. She hadn’t had time to think of something to say! She wasn’t ready yet! This wasn’t fair! Okay. Okay. One shot, Kassidy.

“Y-yes?!” She squeaked.

A man dressed in a black tracksuit with spikes on it poked his head out from behind Marshall. “Com- eh… Gang Boss Marshall, thought was supposed to be edgy angels, not mice.”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Damage control. Damage control. What could Kassidy say to save this? “S-sorry, I… uh… it’s just that well, you’re such an… uncommon sight. Like, someone who knows what real inner darkness is about. There’s… uh… nothing but posers here. Do you boys want to uh… d-do something cool together?”

Marshall’s eyes lit up. Maybe he could just get what he was looking for without getting another facebook stalker he had to avoid this time! “So, uh… what do you gals do for fun here?”

“Well, uh… mostly they do like dark rituals and stuff, but I mean… pff. Right? L-lamesville.”

“Uh huh…” Marshall looked at the angel with growing concern. “A-and would ya be able t’show us where them… ritual rooms are?”

Kassidy felt a bead of sweat roll down her cheek. She didn’t expect him to be… this direct about his desires. Participate in an orgy with him already? Is this all bad guys wanted to do?

“O-ooh uh… w-well I suppose we could do that but uh… wouldn’t you rather go do something like… w-watch the stars? Maybe bake some cupcakes? The night is still young, there’s so much we can do!” Kassidy spun around whimsically, her wings outstretched.

Oh fucking great. Out of all the hedonistic dark angels he could run into, he found the hopeless romantic.

It was a long shot but maybe he could still turn the situation to his advantage. He motioned to Cheslav, time to execute Conversation Protocol Delta.

“Now hold on a sec, missy. I reckon y’all don’t have what it takes t’hang with the most hard-boiled of us. Ain’t that right, Red Menace?”

“Da, black-wing broad is only wasting precious time. Come, we must be of goi-”

“WAIT JUST A GODDAMN SECOND!” Kassidy stormed in front of them and was subsequently pushed out of the way. With not much of an alternative, Kassidy instead latched onto Marshall’s leg. “NO PLEASE LET ME COME WITH YOU I PROMISE I’M EDGY YOU HAVEN’T EVEN PUT IT IN MY BUTT YET!!”

Marshall tried to shake the little autist off his leg, but she had an iron grip.

“Aw hell, we ain’t gonna shake her off any time soon. She might as well help.”

“Help? With what?” Kassidy tapped her fingers together, nervously glancing around the room. Was this it? Anal sex? She hoped so.

Five minutes later, she could tell that it definitely wasn’t anal sex, unless this was the weirdest metaphor she’d ever heard. Kassidy scratched her head. “So, let me get this straight. You’re the baddest boys of all because you… steal underwear?”

“You see, dyevushka, edgy is state of mind, but can only be backed up by raw, capitalist goods. Must acquire the garments of enemies to demand respect.”

Kassidy looked dumbfounded for a second, unsure of how to respond. “Uh…”

“The man speaks wisdom, you don’t see many wise Ruskis nowadays. Why don’tcha follow us? We’ll show you why they call me the… uh… Texan…ator.”

The angel paused. “But wait a minute, if you’re all about obtaining capitalist goods, why do they call you The Red Menace? Isn’t communism like… the embodiment of the establishment?”

Cheslav’s eyes shone. “Ah, but is where you are wrong, edgy angel. Supporting communist regime is very edgy. Is so not edgy to support establishment, wraps around and becomes very edgy. Besides, how many people have the boys who fall out kill? Papa Stalin? Millions. See?”

“Okay, but… what about you, Texanator?”

Marshall cringed a little. He’d really thought that the name he pulled out on the spot wasn’t that bad, but… “We’re, uh… well, you know, rustlin’ panties is like rustlin’ cattle. I’m a bad ol’ bandito and it’s in my blood.”

That was potentially the worst line he’d ever delivered trying to cover up stealing panties, and it looked like Kassidy had noticed. She was starting to away. Oh god, he had to save this. If not for the plan, then at least for his own pride.

“Well, I think I’m actually just going to go ahead without you guys, but good luck with your- Ah!” The angel nearly fainted when The Texanator wrapped an arm around her waist and touched her lips with a finger.

“Meanin’ I tend to take what I want, sweetcheeks.”

“H-HOW CAN I HELP?!?!”

…Oh, christ. Now he’d done it.

Church leaned back into his new throne. Not as comfortable as his armchair in his dorm, but it was more like the regality he deserved. “…Now then.”

A small crowd of dark angels stood in a cluster before his throne, looking expectant. “Y-yes my Lord?”

“You.” Church lazily motioned to the dark angel who had spoken. “What time is it, girl?”

“Um…” Checking her phone quickly, she snapped back to attention. “11:02, my Lord.”

“Well, you’re already late for elevenses, then. Don’t speak to me until you’ve got something.”

“Um, what exactly is-”

“Ah, ah, ah. Not a word.”

After a few minutes of frantic googling and cooking, the dark angel brought out a plate of pizza pops and handed it to Church.

“What in God’s name is this slop you’re handing me?”

“F-uh… food?”

Church dumped the proffered food onto the floor and handed the plate back to the dark angel. “I wasn’t aware a servant could be so incompetent as to offer her master hot pockets for elevenses. You clearly need direct orders, so I’ll make this simple. Cucumber sandwiches. Someone new is going to go fetch them.”

“I-I’m sorry, my Lord. Amanda, if you would… I-I apologise again, my Lord, would you like to… p-punish me?”

He squinted at the dark angel, who had fallen to her knees, and after a moment’s deliberation, he held out his foot. “No, I won’t be punishing you. You are going to kick yourself.”

“Um… what do you mean?”

“Hit yourself with my foot. I’ll tell you when you can stop.”

A switch somewhere deep inside the dark angel was flipped. She had been hoping for something… sexier before, but somehow… this was actually pretty good. She wiped a string of drool from her lip and-

Church choked a little and spit out the sip of tea he had taken, a few drops landing on a dark angel he was using as a footstool, making the girl shiver, somewhat delighted.

“What the good fucking name of her poor deceased majesty Queen Victoria’s East India Company is in this bloody cup?!”

“Um… tea? That’s what you said you wanted…” Said Amanda, the dark angel who had taken charge after Church’s footstool had become… indisposed.

“Do you think I’m stupid, you black-winged twit? What precisely is this liquid you’re passing off as God’s elixir?”

“Well, uh… We had a couple of Christmas morning herbal bags from last year, but it looked kinda dark so we put some coffee whitener in i-”

Church took a deep breath in and held up a finger. “Shhhh. My dear girl, I think we’ve had a bit of a mixup. Don’t worry, alright?”

Amanda trembled a little. W-was he mad? She couldn’t tell. She’d never seen anyone this calm-looking, and especially not anyone related to the Great Churchy-one.

Church put a hand on the worried dark angel’s shoulder and gave her a warm smile before dumping the contents of the teacup onto her head. “You see, I think the misunderstanding was that I was under the impression that I wasn’t in the company of a lot of DROOLING, SNIVELLING LITTLE RETARDS WHO COULD BE THIS FUCKING STUPID! HOW ON THE GREEN FUCKING EARTH OF WHATEVER DEITY OR POWER YOU FUCKING PLEASE COULD A GROUP OF EVEN SUB-SENTIENT BEINGS BE SO BLOODY INCOMPETENT?!”

Amanda’s shaking began to spread to her entire body and she began to pant, her face flush. “I-I’m sorry, my Lord! P-please tell me more about how I’ve failed you!”

“YOU’D BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE I’M NOT DONE! HOW THE HELL DOES A DRIVELLING, USELESS PACK OF TREMBLING MOUTHBREATHERS GET THE IDEA THAT THIS IS EVEN REMOTELY ACCEPTABLE?! THIS VILE LIQUID IS AN INSULT TO THE VERY FUCKING PHYSICAL STATE OF FLUIDS! I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS, BUT YOU’VE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO PROVE YOURSELVES AT LEAST TENFOLD MORE INCOMPETENT THAN MY OWN FUCKING MAID, AND SHE ACTIVELY TRIES TO RAPE AND POISON ME REGULARLY! EVEN SHE WOULD NEVER BE SO FUCKING REMISS AS TO GIVE ME THE ABSOLUTE SLOP I’VE BEEN SUBJECTED TO HERE, EVEN AS A JOKE!”

“A-and I haven’t even sucked your dick yet! I’m so, so sorry, my Lord! Please punish this miserable excuse of a servant as hard as you feel!” While he had been preoccupied shouting, the girl had stripped buck-naked and prostrated herself before the ranting man.

“Cover your disgusting body you absolute cretin! I’m not giving you the pleasure of even hitting you with my cane. You!” Church yelled, pointing to the angel he’d been using as a footstool. “Fetch me whoever is behind this… blasphemy on the very concept of food and drink!”

“Y-yes my Lord!”

Prudence shuffled her feet, unable to meet Church’s eyes. “U-um… hello, Master…”

“…And just what precisely are you doing here?”

“Um…”

“Because it seems to me that I’ve made a grave error in telling these poor girls you’ve tricked that you’re above the kind of wanton chicanery and blatant sabotage that you seem to have pulled.”

Amanda cleared her throat and spoke up. “A-actually, my Lord, it was… w-well, we’re all responsible! It wouldn’t be fair to punish just he-!”

“Shut up. Prudence, you’re going to instruct these girls on how to properly carry out their new duties and reflect on your abject failure as a maid.”

Prudence drooped visibly as soon as Church finished. “Y-yes, Master…”

“My Lord, I really must insist! We let ourselves be manipulated, so maybe before we begin the training, you should let off some stress and just give everyone a thorough punishment so we can learn with our bodie-

“Good Lord. Do you ever stop? I swear, the lot of you should have state-mandated chastity belts.”

The eyes of nearly every dark angel in the room shot up, and a quiet murmur ran through the crowd. “D-do you really mean that, my Lord?”

“Well… Yes, actually! You harlots could use some bloody discipline!”

“OF COURSE MY LORD! Sammy! Get a couple of the girls to bring in the crate! Everyone else, take off your panties and get-”

“WAIT, NO!” Church yelled, completely inaudible over the excited squeals and barked commands filling the room. He tried to turn to Prudence for help, but found her gone. Shit. Shitshitshitshitshit-

“W-who is that!? Why is she with you! Have you turned, too?!”

“No, Prudence, is friend now. Angel who want to be edgy help us find out what is of happenings.”

Kassidy perked up after squinting at Prudence a few seconds. “O-oh! I think I recognise you! Aren’t you that girl who kept sinking into the clouds at my… old dorm?”

Prudence prickled a little. “W-what does it matter?”

“You really changed my mind on the whole angel thing! I mean, you don’t have to be pure, right? So then I came down here and everything’s been… well, not great, but better at least. And now you’re here and the guys have been teaching me so much! And Marshall even said he’d put it in my butt, and that’s the edgiest place to do it!”

“I didn- Look, Pru, it’s uh… Now, I don’t wanna alarm you, but… there’s like, this big plan they’ve got goin’ and… they’resacrificin’Churchorsomethin’inthisbigorgything?”

A screech more eldritch than anything Marshall had heard, even in the shoggoth dorm, escaped Prudence’s mouth. “WHAT? THEY’RE TAKING HIM?! THEY TURNED HIM AGAINST ME AND NOW THEY’RE THREATENING MY CHURCHIE!?”

“Well-”

“IT’S A DISASTER! What are we going to do? He wasn’t supposed to find out about my plan and he was just going to come home and we’d be together again! Marshall! DO SOMETHING!” Prudence yelled, shaking the Texan violently.

“H-hey! Hold on, I’m tryin’ to think. If ya pissed him off real good, he’s not gonna listen to any of us…”

Prudence collapsed into a heap, trembling. “It… it wasn’t… It’s not fair… I didn’t want to, but how was I supposed to…”

Cheslav patted Marshall’s shoulder and led him away a few steps. “Maaaaybe no more talking to Prudence for a while, yes?”

“Ah, shit. I didn’t mean to… Alright, how are we gonna figure this out, partner? He don’t listen at the best of times, so we’re gonna have to convince him some other way.”

Cheslav rubbed his chin for a moment before he nodded to himself. “What if… Church likes stealing underwear, yes?”

“Yeah? I’m pretty sure he doesn’t really do anything else but yell at Prudence and barely pass his classes.”

“So maybe we just show him how much is fun? Is probably already bored of black wing ladies now.”

“You’re bloody well right. The kikimora is bad enough, but I can at least handle her like the misbehaving strumpet she is. Probably won’t stop until we’ve had six fucking children at least, though.” Was that… Church? The two men spun around, relieved. Now they could just get the panties and-

What?

He wasn’t there. It was just Kassidy and… Prudence was sitting on the ground, looking down, but she was holding up a puppet that looked almost creepily like Church. It was clearly handmade, but it somehow looked… too real. It was certainly more handsome than the actual man in question, but-

“What in bloody blazes are you looking at, you daft twits? We’re in the middle of a plan and you’re looking at me like I’ve grown a third bloody arm.” Prudence said, in a terrifyingly good impression of Church, bobbing the puppet up and down a little.

Prudence’s head lifted back up and she smiled at the puppet.“Oh, Master! There you are! We were just about to make a plan to rescue you!”

The puppet slapped Prudence in her floppy ear. “Well, get on with it! It’s about time you three got to work. I’m not bedding you until you save me, you lascivious maid.”

“Okay, Master! Alright, Cheslav, if you’re right, how are we going to do this?”

Church sighed, looking slightly uncomfortable as his living footstool panted heavily.

Suddenly, the doors to Church’s throne room flew open and Kassidy ran in and fell to the ground, trying to cool herself with a gaudy-looking hand fan. “Oh, no, sisters! I do declare that my underwear has been humiliatingly stolen by ruffians!”

The dark angels looked slightly confused, whispering amongst themselves.

Strutting through the door and waving a pair of panties over his head like a flag, Cheslav squatted over the fainting angel.”This is right! Strong, powerful men are better than tiny, weak rape animals with people faces!”

Marshall followed behind Cheslav a few seconds later, pushing a wheelbarrow full of women’s underwear. “Ah, sure was a good raid. Looks like them cheeky femoids couldn’t win against the cock. I even took extra so they can all learn their place.”

The black-clad gopnik nodded sagely. “This is right, comrade. Nobody can beat the cock.”

“Not the cock. Ain’t nothin’ like showin’ a femoid her place. They can’t keep gettin’ away with their bullshit. Can’t beat the cock, man.”

The crowd of dark angels stirred again, with a few mumblings about wanting to be beaten by the cock circulating before Church stood up, nearly slipping in a pile of chastity belt keys that had been arrayed at his feet. “What the hell are the two of you doing? T-that’s not convincing, you know…”

“What? What convincin’ partner? We were just goin’ on with the mission and teachin’ this little WHORESLUT a lesson about humility.”

Kassidy squirmed on the ground in barely contained arousal.

Church began sweating, trying to hold his persona together. “W-well… good. They deserve it.”

“Whelp, guess we wrapped this one up by ourselves, didn’t we Cheslav?”

“Da, also super extra fun without Church. Come, let us hang on wall of triumph and be drinking of all the gins.”

“Welp, guess we’re gonna have to mindbreak this one into bein’ our third man now. See ya, Church.” Marshall said, picking up the dark angel, who quivered in delight when he touched her.

“NO! NONONONONO!” Prudence dashed into the room, wearing black strapon with a lacy cockring that matched her uniform. “THAT WAS NOT THE FUCKING DEAL, MARSHALL!”

The Texan waved his hands defensively “Prudence, I didn’t actually-”

Church made a sound of disapproval. “Prudence. My absolute favourite maid.”

“OH! Um.. h-hello, Master…”

“What in god’s name are you wearing?”

Prudence poked the strapon she was wearing, making the shaft jiggle unnervingly. “U-um… Can’t beat the cock?”

“WELP. Guess we’ll be headin’ out now Church. Enjoy your, uh… chastity belt thing goin’ on.”

Church thought hard about what he’d done. Was he too hard on Prudence? She’d been with him so long and enjoyed the abuse so much he felt like he was never sure when was too far.

He felt a little left out, too. It was obviously exactly what they wanted, but-

“Excuse me, Lord Church? Are you ready for the ceremony?”

“What in blazes are you talking about, woman?”

“Oh, it’s time for the sacrifice, so we’re going to have to move to the ritual chambers…”

He squinted and straightened his stance, ready to try and fight his way out. “So, you’re cutting my heart out and offering it to Satan, I suppose?”

“What? Of course not my Lord! We’re just going to extract your semen with our bodies and offer it to-”

Church began to scream hoarsely, waving his cane around wildly as he dashed for the door as fast as his legs would allow. “SOMEBODY! FUCK! HELP! PRUDENCE! ANYONE! THEY’RE DOING WORSE THAN KILLING M-”

As the rest of Team Good Ol’ Boys and intern Kassidy walked back to the clubhouse, they argued about what to do next, but were interrupted by a Churchy voice.

“PRUDENCE!” The Church puppet slapped the kikimora’s shoulder.

“O-oh! What is it, Master? Do you know how we should-”

“Shut up about that before I pound you raw for your insolence, you feathery temptress. Those black-feathered whores are fucking trying to kidnap me!”

“W-well, I don’t want to be rude, Master, but we did already know th-”

“THEY’RE TRYING TO FUCKING RAPE ME FOR SATAN OR SOMETHING!”

Prudence began vibrating like a very angry dildo trying to escape the sex shop and murder the owner. “WHAT?!”

Marshall rubbed the back of his head and looked to Cheslav. “Are you… I mean, do you think she’s… okay up there? She gets pretty antsy without him, but I’ve never seen her this bad.”

Cheslav scoffed. “Is like real Church, but doesn’t try to pretend to hate Prudence. Come on, let us talk.”

Marshall cleared his throat, feeling a little silly for talking to a puppet. “Uh… C-Church?”

The puppet whipped around, away from Prudence. “Ah! Thank fucking god, Marshall. She’s bloody useless in this state. I… may have made a mistake turning away from the path of righteousness and fucking my maid, but you’re going to have to get me out of this one, old chum.”

Prudence hadn’t moved at all. Her eyes and mouth hadn’t even twitched. Marshall was starting to get a little bit scared, but Cheslav cut in. “Is still at edgy angel house, Church?”

The puppet-Church shook its head. “Not sure, Chap. They said something about ‘ritual chambers’ before they took me out. That’s about as much as I can tell you. Why don’t you try asking the one you took with you?”

Marshall managed to shake himself out of it long enough to step up to Kassidy menacingly. “You know, I recall you sayin’ somethin’ about all that.”

“I… y-you didn’t know? I thought you guys were going to participate…”

“Well it looks like we are n-” Marshall said.

“Where is place, edge apprentice? Need to get there before too late.” Cheslav cut in.

Kassidy wiggled a little bit. “I-I’ll tell you, but… Um… w-we can’t have them getting suspicious, right? You’ll have to pretend to humiliate me again, haha…”

“Good lord, Prudence. She’s almost as bad as you. Almost.” The Church-puppet said.

Church woke up to a dark room, the musty scent of shag carpet and aroused women hung in the stagnant air so much he could almost tast- OH GOD.

Spitting out the panties that had been shoved into his mouth, Church tried in vain to sit up so he could yell at the overexcited whore who had done this, but found himself securely strapped to a dirty loveseat.

“WELCOME, GREAT ONE!” the dark angel that Church had been using as a footstool for some time stepped forward, throwing an unlocked chastity belt to the side. “Welcome to our ritual room!”

Church looked around. Shag carpet. Wood panelling. Even the couch he was tied to was stained and precisely the kind of brown that furniture had no place being.

“You know, this is the most disgusting sacrifice chambers I’ve ever had the misfortune of entering.” Church complained. “It smells like you haven’t cleaned up your bloody bodily fluids since nineteen-fucking-seventy!”

“Oh, u-uuhh… If you want we can move you to the good couch, my lord!” A dark priest offered.

“This isn’t even your good couch? Who the hell do you think I am?!”

The dark priest cowered behind a black-winged valkyrie. “W-why the descendent of the great Church-y one of course! I don’t… I don’t know what they were thinking.”

The other participants gave her the stink eye, but they decided to at least move their sacrifice to the good couch. Besides, the good couch didn’t smell like mildew.

“Ahem. Well, my Lord, are you ready for the prophesied time? We waited 50 years, just like your last incarnation said!”

Church squinted at them, confused.

“Oh uh…Are you maybe unfamiliar with…The Great Churchy one?”

“It’s me, isn’t it?”

“Well… yes, but… W-we were so amazed at your grandfather’s sheer corruption and will that we pledged our undying loyalty to him! We offered to bear his offspring, but after our 69th time asking, his exact words were ‘I swear to fucking god, if you cockthirsty wenches ask me one more time within the next fifty years, I’ll burn your fucking church to the ground.’”

Church cringed, noticing just how excited they were all getting. “Not to burst your bubble, but if I know my grandfather, he meant for that to mean ‘never ask me ever again.’

“But he said it on the 69th time, and 69 is the sex number!” A dark priest piped up from the back, both the dark angles and valkyries murmured in vague agreement. “You’re his youngest living descendent, and the door chose you, so you must be close enough at least!”

Lighting the ‘ceremonial’ candles arranged around the good couch, the head dark angel climbed onto Church before realising she should probably take his pants off first.

As she struggled with his belt, a sudden gust of wind blew out the candles in the room and slammed the doors shut, leaving Church and his would-be assailants in darkness.

It must have been Chap. Took him bloody well long enough. Church had really been starting to get worried for a mom-

An eerie blue glow filled the ritual chamber, a ghostly figure coalescing from the smoke of the candles.

”WHO DARES INVOKE MY WRATH?”

The head of the dorm, wearing what was almost certainly the first result for ‘slutty nun’ on MonBay, knelt before the glowing spirit.

“Oh great Lord! We have summoned you on this most auspicious of days! Your successor has been drawn here by the hand of fate, and we humbly beg your permission to bear your descenda-”

“Good fucking lord, are you still on about this ridiculous sex horseshit? I’m quite sure I told you in no uncertain terms to fuck straight off.”

“My Lord! It is the fiftieth year after your sixty-ninth decree! That means-”

“Why don’t we start with the fact that I told you this little snippet you’ve taken to heart at precisely eight post-cunting-meridian, and you’ve deigned to summon me how many hours early, hmm? Oh look!” A clock flew off the wall into the hands of the spectral man, who gestured angrily at it as he leaned over the smaller woman. “Nine bloody hours! I know you whorish mockeries of real women have always had a hard time counting, but I’m interested as to how your little organisation survived half a century -at a school- without working out how to count past the fingers on a SINGLE CUNTING HAND.”

“B-but-”

“But what are a few trifles amongst old friends, eh? Why don’t we have a little chat about the fact that you seem to have taken ‘don’t ask me again’ as full invitation to attempt to molest my grandson! Speaking of, come here, my boy.”

The restraints holding Church to the couch dissolved into ash, much to the younger man’s surprise.

“Yes, you’ve grown to be the spitting image of me in my youth. Not like your milquetoast father.”

“Well, not everyone can be a useless degenerate, eh, grandfather?” Church and his ghostly ancestor burst out in identical condescending laughter.

“Quite right. I must say, I’m impressed with how you’ve turned out in spite of… my most catastrophic failure.”

“Well, what’s in the past, eh? Don’t worry, I never wanted a thing to do with these overgrown crows dressed up as humans.”

“Well, obviously. I’d be surprised if they had a man who tolerated their presence longer than you or I have, but I’m talking about something a bit… closer to home. You be careful around that bloody kikimora, do you hear?”

“Good Lord grandpa! The help?”

The ghost stared off into the distance momentarily. “You know, I once had a nemesis who talked like that. He was so degenerate that the only thing he didn’t want to fuck was the help, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he led his maids on for so long, they raped him in his sleep. Ironic.”

Church was disgusted. “Bloody hell! Don’t tell me he even fucked these disgusting… things!”

Church’s grandfather nodded his head gravely. “Everything. We struck each other down in the end, so at the very least I ended his reign of disgusting fraternisation. Mind yourself with the maid, boy. Nothing good comes of these bloody magical women and their overactive ovaries.”

“I won’t forget , grandfather. I need to keep our bloodline pure. There’s no way to improve on perfection, after all.”

“Excellent. Now, if the rest of you feathered whores could close those bloody floodgates you’re trying to pass off as vaginas long enough to excuse yourselves, do so now. Farewell, grandson. Do not forget.”

A swirling vortex of smoke enveloped the ghost of Church’s ancestor once again, and when it dissipated, he was gone. Before Church could even dust himself off, a large, green milsurp truck burst through the wall and Marshall, Prudence, Cheslav and Kassidy jumped out of the vehicle, brandishing brightly-coloured water guns. Squinting slightly, Church could see that they were the same guns that had been used in the hinezumi raid, with the exception that crosses had been drawn on them, along with the title ‘HoLi Watr Gun.’

“MASTER WE’RE HERE TO SAV-! Oh.” Prudence lowered her gun when she noticed that most of the dark angels were huddled in a corner, some of whom were crying.’

“Ah, there you are. Business is all taken care of here, so drop off that little extra with the rest of them and let’s head home.”

“Master, you didn’t… w-well… f-f…”

“Fuck them? Lord no. Just showed them their proper place with a bit of help. But Prudence, tell me one thing.”

“Yes Master?”

“Why in god’s name are you carrying a puppet that looks like me?”

“UHHHHHHHHHHH…”

Church leaned back, having finished telling his part of the story, giving a sidelong glance to his daughter.

Before Church could say anything smug, Marshall snorted. “Yeah, sure partner. Ghost of your grandpa and he wasn’t a monstergirl? Tell me another one. Did actual Satan pop out of the ground and call them all niggers before he patted you on the back and gave you a big sack of Jew gold too?”

Church waved his fifth glass of gin and tonic at the Texan before finishing it and setting it down. “Y’know Marshall, I seem to be recalling some kinda… recall you being the only pershon on taaht little eckskursion to… utter that particular ephe- epip… epithet. ‘Side from grandpa of course, but he’s… from a different generation, so it hardly counts.”

Before the argument could continue any further, Prudence cut in. “I believe you Master! A-and it looks like Daisy does too!”

A teenaged kikimora stood in the door to Church’s study, smiling vacantly and looking vaguely like she was looking in two directions at once. “If mommy and daddy say it’s true, then grampy must have come back!”

Church cringed a little at being acknowledged as a father, but carried on regardless. “‘S right, sweetie. The spi… spirits of my ancestors are well-known t’be vengeful. Lily, put y’r sister t’bed, would you? S’… uh… it’s late.”

“O-oh! Yes Master! Um… right away.” Lily was torn. She had kind of wanted to stay longer. She knew that her father tended to… stretch the truth sometimes, but could it actually be true? The ghost of her noble ancestor? Would she get to meet him? It seemed far-fetched and… she really wasn’t sure what to think.

She gave up on arguing when she saw that Prudence had taken up her seat on her Master’s lap quite casually, and she seemed to be getting away with it.

“Come on, Daisy. Maybe you can play with Mr. Cuddles for a while before bed if you hurry.”

Daisy perked up. “Yay! Really?”

Natasha snorted. “Is everyone in your family an idiot, Prudence? Ghosts aren’t real.”

Marshall scratched his head. “But… ain’t you a ghost?”

“First of all, I’m a wight. And secondly, people can’t come back after they die. I was born like this and so was every other undead girl. Even if there was a ghost, it certainly wasn’t a man. I think your idiot husband is trying to squirm his was out of saying that you helped him with some ridiculous story.”

Prudence gave Natasha a hard stare. The kikimora said nothing, but she had the eyes of a wild pibble about to disembowel an infant. Natasha shrunk back into her seat, but before Prudence could even get started, Church patted her on the leg and she visibly calmed down.

“Well, I shuppHose I would ha… would’ve still been locked in that ‘ritual chamber’ for god knows how long in that… god fffforsaken chapel, so… err…” Church twiddled his thumbs meekly. “T-thanks. I guess.”

Prudence blushed. She knew how much it hurt Church’s pride to appreciate anyone, so she treasured it whenever he overcame his ego.

“An’ by the way, when’re ya goin’t’… change outta that… riDICKulous barmaid outfit?” Church raised his final gin and tonic a little too quickly and spilled some, causing Prudence to squirm in place.

“Umm… When you finish that last gin, Master.”

Church shakily lifted the glass to his lips, then paused. “On second thought… maybe I’ve had enough.”

“No Master! Y-you wouldn’t let perfectly good gin go to waste, w-would you? That’s not the Master I know…”

“Weeeeell… Per’aps you’re right.” Church said through gritted teeth, slowly drinking the final glass while maintaining eye contact with her the whole time. As he got closer to the bottom of the glass, he could see Prudence’s ears raising higher, while her tail wagged increasingly fast.

Once the glass was empty, Prudence could barely contain her excitement.

Church scoffed. “I duh… dunno what the bloody hell you’re getting excited for, y’ sex-crazed… barmaid cosplayer. You and I both know perfec’ly well that yer little trick with th’ viagra in the last cup won’t work any more. I’m immy- imman… immune.”

Prudence turned around on Church’s lap to face him, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Oh, Master. Your wife would never forget something so important about you!”

“Wassis entire bloody setup just so you could point out that you’re my wife? ‘M not sure it’sa secret, considerin’… everyone in the room was at th’wedding, t’say nothing of the small army of children you have traipsing around the manor grounds.”

“Oh no, Master. I was just getting excited because you were so confident you didn’t notice the drug I put in your very first drink! Apparently it’s made with manticore venom, so you wouldn’t be able to resist the effects. It’s a slow-release and I was starting to get worried it wasn’t working, so I sat on your lap to see the effect, and it seems like it’s starting to work perfectly.” The kikimora said, none-too-subtly grinding her hips against Church.

Church sighed. “Chap, Marshall? It’s been… luh… lovely having you over as respite from this bloody woman, but it seems like I’m gonna… goin’ t’ have to take m’leave of you now, so if you could, I have some dissip… discipline to administer.”

Marshall, Cheslav and their wives hadn’t even closed the door before they heard the sound of a kikimora being thrown against a desk, knocking off a variety of writing tools and books.

“IZZIS WHAT Y’FUCKING WANTED YOU HORNY DOG? WANTED TO BE FUCKING RUTTED LIKE A DISOBEDIENT BITCH?”

“Y-yes! Yesyesyesyesyes!”

“I HOPE YOU’RE FUCKING HAPPY, THEN! NEITHER OF US IS GOING TO BE GETTING A WINK OF FUCKING SLEEP, AND I PLAN TO TAKE OUT MY FRUSTRATION ON MY BELOVED FUCKING MAID WHO WANTED TO BE FUCKED LIKE A WHITECHAPEL WHORE.”

“M-maybe you should choke me too, Master! I-it might make you feel better!”

End of Chapter