12:09:54 No.15735
Hello,
I'm having trouble configuring a reasonably short response to your post. My initial reaction was to instruct you to seek counseling, but I suspect that the degree of your self-harm would result in an unnecessary involuntary institutionalization. Therefore, the best I can do is to explain the underpinnings of your actions. First, as the brilliant novelist John Steinbeck stated, "The worst disease experienced by Western man is a childhood devoid of parental love." As a trained clinician and a victim of a childhood "devoid of parental love," I call this phenomenon the behavioral passage of trauma from one generation to next. In simple terms, it's the unconscious, compulsive, repetition of child abuse. In your case, you defended against your childhood pain, when you discovered an idealized character who fulfilled a mixture of unfulfilled childhood needs and your necessary defense mechanisms. As for the downward spiral of your emotional stability, your naive belief that using this open forum as the means of remediation proves the existence of your unconscious embedded trauma and your compulsion to resolve this past childhood trauma in the present. While your attempt at resolution is a normal, but misdirected human function, you could not have chosen a worse venue to remediate your pain.
Since, this is the worst possible venue for any substantive discussion of emotional suffering, I offer my counsel to guide you to a protected online group with people suffering from similar emotional conflicts. If you are interested, please leave your anonymous email address, and I will forward you the url address.
By the way, you are not psychotic, unlike the above psychopath who attempted to increase your pain, you are a feeling human being in search of love, adventure, friendship, and good times. In any event, no matter your decision, I wish you the best.