So, I'm currently in euphoria and I'll tell you why; I found the cause of my dissasociation.
If you don't know what that is, it's when you go into a numb-ish state and separate your mind from your reality. It's basically a coping method so you don't feel pain. I've had this for who knows how long, and I haven't felt "Alive" in YEARS, until today, I'm fucking lucid you guys! I actually feel grounded to reality!
https://maibergerinstitute.com/working-with-complex-ptsd-dissociation-and-emdr-therapy/
I have ADHD as well, but I'll have another thread for that one.
Since I have ADHD, I'll make this short. Grew up with a dysfunctional single mother, I was a toddler, she was an alcoholic and had times where she went to the hospital due to kidney failures. Fastforward, 8 years old, I was a spaz, brother did drugs, schizophrenia develops. Fast forward a few years, I am 10, brother goes into forced rehab since he's beaten my mom a few times thinking she is doing satanic rituals on him, and has planted a baby baphomet inside him, he is whisked to the nuthouse and comes back a zombie-ish person, all is well, for now.
Fast forward more years, I am 15, brother has a psychotic breakdown due to taking the wrong medicine, breaks all the windows in our apartment with his fists, spergs the fuck out, screams obscenities at my mom, threatening to kill her, my 3 year old sister is in the same room, being held by my 19 year old sister, I'm 5 feet away from him, frozen in his gaze, blood running down his arms, knife in hand, I am still frozen, completely powerless, catatonic. Somehow, my mom tells him our grandparents are outside, he loves them, so he goes outside to check, I bolt the fuck to the door, slam it shut and LOCK the bitch, then "You expected grandparents, no! It was us, the cops!", bro gets shot by rubber bullets, immediately snaps into his regular friendly persona and all is normal, but goes back into nuthouse. Schizophrenia is fucking crazy.
I go to the futon, shards and all, lay on it, bawl my fucking eyes out, nobody is there to comfort me, never felt lonelier in my life. Bottled it up. Feels absolutely wretched man.
It was at a time I didn't have many friends and was too much of an autist to express myself. Shortly after, I felt like nothing in my life was real, always felt tired, even MORE unfocused, and everything became a blur, the only thing that kept me going was music.
Today was different though, I caught myself in one of my triggers, before I knew it was one. Every time I hear someone laughing, crying, gasping or anything of the like, I associate it with intense pain, grieving and breakdowns and instantly shut everything out due to dysphoria. This time was different though, I sort of let it consume me, and I my trigger HIT me, and I had flashbacks. My brother, my mom, my heartbreaks, my abuse, my bullying. It all somehow came together and made me aware of who I was, and what ailed me all these years.
I linked everything together, and It was enlightening to know that when I didn't shut it out, I didn't feel "numb" feeling again like I've always had. Don't get me wrong, it was an awful feeling to experience, obviously PTSD shit isn't a great thing to experience, but everything came together, and now I'm another step away from seeking help.
I have a psychiatrist appointment at october 1st, so I'll be sure to talk to them about it.