>>15759
>What have you done to deserve this my friend?
That's a rather personal question don't you think?
>And it feels real, it feels like these thoughts are justified
These thoughts ARE justified, that's why I feel them. That's why I have countless tangible things I've done or am responsible for or are part of me that I can point to and go "Wow I'm a terrible person" or "Oh I'm a degenerate pervert", things that would make any rational person hate themselves, things that nobody would flinch from hating somebody for if it was anybody but themselves. These thoughts aren't cognitive distortions, they're a consistent application of principles.
>But you arent your rational self when you are depressed. You are seeing in black and white vision and have forgotten whats its like to see the beautiful colours of life.
But what if the reality is that I'm not beautifully multicolored, I'm just pitch black? See, the thing about this advice you're giving (or more likely, your shrink's advice) is that if my reasons for hating myself are indeed valid and true, then the only effect lying to myself that I am a good, valuable person who deserves to live and be happy will have is to manage and make me even more wretched than I already am, because I will be just as bad, but conceited. There is little I want less than that. I have an aunt, diagnosed with bipolar disorder, who I see as the spinning image of what I'm talking about. She's a dyke, but has been taught to accept herself, she is inconsiderate but is told do what's right for her (or something along those lines), worst of all she has been convinced to stop living in the real world, the real world which is a cold and unforgiving place, or even avoid pieces of fiction that are deemed "negative".
>But if you take my advice and seek help, what have you got to lose?
I've already made plans. I'm too much of a fucking coward to do it the proper way (I see my anxiety as a personal failure) so instead I'm counting on a routine doctor's visit I have coming up in about a month, I plan to make "a cry for help" by especially self-harming just before in the hopes they'll notice. My motivation for this is because unlike your incorrect assumptions about me, if I have something to boast about it is that I actually do have the humility to recognize there might be hope I can't see and that I am not thinking straight.
>If you stick to it and it works, you wont have this perspective anymore
God, I sure hope not, for the reasons listed above. The only hope there might be in this path is fixing me enough to actually improve myself. I want to hate myself as long as I should be hated.
>You are worth just as much as any other soul on this planet brother, you gotta stop beating yourself up, you deserve happiness and success and it will come.
God damn do you speak presumptuously about people whom you know nothing about. This right here is called brainwashing. Every board both here and on cuckchan I've mentioned even the slightest bit about my depression on has had at least one person saying shit like this as if they know me, when in reality they'd probably tell me to kill myself in earnest if they actually knew me like I do. God knows I would.
Sorry if I seemed really angry, I just can't stand people telling me my misery is illegitimate. Everyone thinks improvement consists in sticking your head in the sand.