My whole life I've wanted to be a serial killer. I want to kidnap, rape, torture and kill small girls, cut them up and eat their flesh. I've tortured animals, made plans, I have weapons and tarps, this obsession keeps growing and growing. It surges through me and burns like fire in my viens. Serial murder is BEAUTIFUL and i want to paint my very own bloody picture.
Then they caught the golden state killer because his distant relatives took a DNA test. I felt sick for a week. I still feel sick thinking about it. If they caught him there is no way I could get away with it. I feel like the shadow in which I live is suddenly visible to the world. I scream and rage inside my head because it's just not fair. I don't want to spend my whole life in fear just waiting for the cops. And there is so much in the world besides murder and I can't STAND the idea of being locked up. This is no longer the daydream it once was it is an obsession. It progresses further and further as time goes on.
So fuck. Fuck fuck fuck FUCK. I want to lash out and destroy as I feel everything closing in.
I want to see the people cower in fear, see me as the monster I am, want to go down in the history books. I want people to see my art and recoil.
But part of me doesn't want this. I want to crawl into the light, head held down, asking for help, to declaw me and let me live with them, as one of them. There is so much in the world I cannot stand to be taken from it.
Are there any support groups or resources to deal with this sort of thing? I can't do anything without anonymity, I'll be locked up.