Hey guys. Hope anyone reads this.
So, I know my mind isn't right. I'm already visisting a shrink yet she can't really tell what I actually have, so I hope you guys maybe can help me out as I really would like to have a term for what is going on in my head.
I think it's the best if I just straight up list my symptoms.
The strongest of them all is I can't force myself to do anything. I'm slow, tired, powerless, weak. There is no mental energy within me. I also feel down like almost all the time. A weird mix of sadness, tiredness, boredom, apathy, emptiness and isolation all at once, can't really find words to describe those feelings but if I had to pick a color for them I'd probably choose a dark grey, a greyish shade of black and some dark tuquoise on my "good days". That's another thing: I tend to be quite bad at being direct, usually telling things in a very metaphorical or overcomplicated way, trying to describe details and feeling as if the words I use don't fit what I'm trying to say. Speaking of what I feel while I talk, I tend to feel as if what I said was wrong or hurtful, I usually think about what I say a long time beforehand and afterwards, even if it's a simple greeting, sometimes laying awake while thinking about whether the "hello" I said was articulated correctly. Laying awake is a problem I also have. My brain doesn't seem to shut up, not in a literal way as I don't hear voices yet my thoughts continue and continue on. I can't stop them, the thinking just happens, and sometime even distracts me from what I was thinking about. These thoughts also sometimes do induce fears and paranoia in me, as I feel as if police could be rushing into my room any moment or that my parents could poison my food. I also have this very strong feeling of "call of the void", where I don't really want to but think about what it would be like to do certain things like jump from a bridge or punch someone in the face, even though I would never do such a thing I have the feeling as if I have to restrain myself from doing so. I also feel as if my problems do not deserve to be heard as others have it worse and often am sorry for feeling the way I feel. This whole thing, the feeling of emptiness, loneliness and sadness accompanied by my mind being active literally all the time, feeling as if a telepathic person is inserting random thoughts from the outside, is not all that there is. I sometimes feel as if there was a presence, sometimes like there was a spider crawling over my back or someone standing in the corner, watching me. While I cannot haptically sense the spider crawling there, in my mind I feel this thought, this fear, it could be there. Sometimes this goes so far that I sometimes feel as if I saw shadows in the corners of my eyes… If all that wasn't enough, I also feel a high social fear, as if I was a burden, to literally anyone, not deserving to be loved or cared for, yet I feel this strong need to find someone to love and to love me. However, my very low energy level stops me from doing anything towards that direction, fearful thoughts as well as tiredness and emptiness holding me back from leaving the house. At the same time, the fear of being alone and the fear of dieing without having experienced anything on the one hand fight against the fear of being judged, rejected or bad things happening accompanied by said feeling of weakness, boredom and emptiness. Oh, thus I also can't make decisions. At all. I can't even decide whether or not to go to the toilet, to eat or to drink, which at least keeps me from living out my impulsivity.
So, all in all: I feel down, empty and bored, am afraid of dieing alone without anything having happened in my life, I fear being judged or criticized, I see myself as ugly, nagging and a burden, I can't decide for shit, I don't have the energy to get up in the morning, my mind feels as if a telepath inserts random thoughts into it and as much as I enjoy love and people I don't really go for affection and am too tired and afraid to engage into social events or be the center of an activity.
I just want all of that to stop yet I can't do anything about it as I don't have the energy to do so and I can't kill myself since I don't want the people around me to be hurt or bothered and I'm afraid people could judge me for commiting suicide since I had it so good in my life. I also feel as if I'm not worthy of felling this way or of killing myself and I stopped hurting myself because I did not want the attention.
Can ANYONE PLEASE tell me, what the fuck I have? Am I depressed? Just lonely? Completely out of mind?!