[TITLE CARD]
PU-PUSSY CREAM x6
SAM: Ooooh maaaan, I hate school! Ooooh maaaan, I hate high school! Ooooh maaaan, I hate college!
[INTRO]
CHARLES: There's merit in an undergraduate education, sure. In fact, the more it costs, the more uses and excuses and rationalizations you'll find… Your brain will become the swiss army knife of finding out uses for that $100,000 Toyota Camry.
NICK: And there's a new era of balding men out there, who agonize over it for three years. It could be a few things. It could be genes - Awh, is it my mommy? Is it my daddy? Where's it coming from? How's this happen? - Look, you can do two things: You can shave your head and be a shaved-head sex waiter for the rest of your life, OR you can go get your hair plugs right away, and then you can be a sex pervert for the rest of your life.
SAM: Is it Valtrex for herpes?
NICK: Valtrex for herpres.
SAM: PRETENDING LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHAT VALTREX IS FOR
SAM: Here's my take on the whole college thing: When you get there, no matter where you go - doesn't matter, art school, big university, state school, ivy league, wherever - you're gonna be surrounded by casual pill-takers, 420 tokers, people obsessed with drinking, people obsessed with preening and primping themselves, generally a mega assload of the lowest common denominator, okay. They're all experiencing pure pain as they trudge through a black swamp of not wanting to be here.
SAM: I'm here to perform a poem for you all:
I am not grandmother or my mother
Although they are flowing into me
Into me, I am not them
And I will not taking this beating
Beating down like the rain
Beating down like the rain
Without a sound
NICK: What do I do? What do I do? - Either way, you look like shit. And it's time to be human bein's. Remember human bein's? I remember human bein's. I remember when people were people, and that kinda think wasn't even a thing to be thought about. And now that's a thing.
CHARLES: [Gags himself with fingers] I actually tried to gag myself, but it wouldn't gag. I had my fingers all the way past my tonsils. It was like Wednesday all over again, and it's fuckin' Thursday.
NICK: Now the cat is completely outta the bag, I believe, with sorority girls. For a girl to join a sorority in 2010, or in 2007 or after, you pretty much know what you're getting yourself into. The first thing I think of is a nice set of white cotton panties, piss-soaked in the crotch area. And when you're going down there, you get your finger caught in the underwear lining, and when you realize how gross that is, after you take them off, you wanna puke.
SAM: IRISH GIRLS
NICK: Those piss-scented Jameson-drinking daddy's girls… Don't you wish you wish you could just fuckin' suck your dad's dick? Don't you wish your dad came home from his office one day, unloosened his fancy Brooks Brothers tie, took his pants off, and let you suck his dick, Megan? Nah, maybe so, maybe no…
And then someone in the group of girls knows one girl that had this happen to them. This is the story: I had sex last night, and I got a tampon shoved in the back of my cervix, because I forgot that I had a tampon before I had sex. And your dick acted like a muzzle loader and shoved a tampon to the top of my vagina. Why does everybody know someone that that happened to? I know two different girls. And I'm just a normal ol' guy.
NICK: Look at my hands. Tell me what my dick looks like.
SAM: There are plenty of articles online, on websites, that tell you the economics of exactly how fucked up college is. Lost earnings, $15,000-a-year average tuitions - or whatever, okay, I'm not a numbers guy - $45K-plus for ivy league schools, uhhhhhh… Only half the people who go graduate in four years. I don't got time for that!
Check it out, here's my anarchy cards! 'Cause it's really my dad's credit cards in there!
Boom boom boom
Bam bam bam
No pause in between
Come on let's jam