>>5513
>No sooner had the first leaf fallen THAN it was [to be] trampled by a[n] [either: early] morning [bi]cyclist up at dawn.
Remove 'up at dawn' if brackets aren't implemented, leave all outside them otherwise/aforementioned optional if so.
He might have more luck writing Film Scripts, with those jumps in tense. Show him how to structure one and tell him to use that as the framework for the thing he wants to write.
>couple blocks later; nature preserve; shaded oak
Image-desert comes first. Everything following "arrive", whatever decided on, should not lead with the measurement phrase.
>He takes a sharp right at Herdklotz Park, where he would arrive under a tall shady oak tree at the Nature Preserve a couple blocks down.
No one cares or remembers the the orientation of Dylan between Old Rutherford Road in Autumn, and the destination; all the phenomenological essentials of that experience of travel from start to finish is front-loaded within the paragraph -- the final sentence should take the same form, especially with the trivial distances involved (unless this is a detective/spy novel and it's somehow circumstantial evidence for the reader, in which case fuck Dylan and his music, and his hair, and every tree between Rutherford and Herdklotz)
>shady oaktree
Does it rob Dylan? Is it an African oak?
>>6842
>JUST got off the phone with him and he says that the publishers loved it.
So it's a children's book after all
>>8882
>Peggy your weight is beginning to seriously concern me, and I must insist you take active measures to improve your health; we can start by having vigorous sexual congress starting right this very second (*aggressive insemination intensifies*)