/kind/ - Random Acts of Kindness

*do you have any will or desire to

>>34835

>Do we have any hikikomori on /kind/?

Yes, I guess I am one.

>For how long have you been one?

I'm not sure 3 maybe 4 years.

>How're things with your family? How're things with your family?

My mom loves me (too much so really) and she accepted that I'm a failure, she doesn't bother me with needing to find a job, but more with getting a hobby. I made a mistake and told her that I want to end my life, now she is extra stressed trying to "fix" me to at least stop being so misrable, which makes me even more unhappy. My dad on the other hand hates me, he always has, but I guess he does even more now when I'm a hikikomori. I don't know what I did to deserve being hated like that, I tried apologising, but nothing works. The worst part is he constantly fighting with my mom over me.

>Do you at least go out to get something to eat and if yes how often?

No, not really. The only time I used to leave the house was to see a doctor since I have some medical problems, but now I don't even do that anymore, even though I really should.

>Do you ever get money to spend on things you like through the internet like figures or dakis, and if yes how much?

No I don't, I'm ashamed to ask for it.

>So you have any will or desire to leave such life?

I tried, but the outside world was even more stressful. I don't know I hate both lifestyles.. I wish I was never born if I'm completely honest.

>>34838

>needing to find a job

I'm sure you know this, anon, but the first step to ending your time as a hikki is accomplishing this. Any steps you take towards this goal should count for a lot as far as your parents are concerned. Start small, and do some minor chores. There is a lot of demand for these. Maybe work part time and improve some desirable skills in the meantime, like learning programming through online tutorials.

I believe in you!

>Do we have any hikikomori on /kind/?

yes. even though i have a part time job, i do have most qualities of one, spend most of my time in front of a computer screen, never leave the house and do not have many friends.

>For how long have you been one?

it's hard to say when my teen life ends and my hikki life starts but i'd say around 4-5 years

>How're things with your family? How're things with your family?

things are pretty good with my family, they're not angry at me or dissapointed at all.

>Do you at least go out to get something to eat and if yes how often?

last time i ate a burger somewhere was at least 3 months ago, aside from that the only times i go outside are for my before mentioned part time job and japanese classes

>Do you ever get money to spend on things you like through the internet like figures or dakis, and if yes how much?

yes, i have a couple of dakis, i don't have any figurines but it seems like it could be fun collecting them

>So you have any will or desire to leave such life?

idk if i want to leave it. at the one side it's super comfy and relaxing but on the other hand i feel pretty lonely and depressed sometimes, what would be perfect is if i got a shut-in girlfriend that i could visit and watch anime with together.

>>34845

Thanks for trying to motivate me anon, but it's so hard for me to do anything. I guess it comes out of the fact I hate life it self and I don't see the point in doing anything. The other thing is I hate being around other people, I really do, I feel so extremly uncomfortable and it shows. The only reason for me to find a job is so that I make my mom a bit more happy. Actually I almost got a job in september, but having as much luck as I have, I got sick and had to quit before I even started. I'm still sick, I mean I feel better then I did then, but now this disease has affected my appearance and I feel even more insecure and uncomfortable going out side. I guess I could try doing something from home like you said programing, but I don't know if I'm smart enough and the first step is so incredibly hard. I convince myself I will fail before even trying anything, it's so deeply rooted in me and I don't know how to overcome it. I'm a coward anon and I fear everything even failing.

>>34871

Actually my room is as clean and tidy as it gets. I'm quite proud of it if I'm honest.

>>34872

Jesus that video…. No of course that's not me, my dad doesn't talk to me at all, I just hear him when he's arguing with my mom. The other day I again overheard him trying to convince my mom to kick me out.

>>34874

Absolutely saddening to hear that men today are pathetic wimps that aren't able to have their will done in their own household. There should be no "arguing" with what you are ordained to be the head of.

>>34879

Actually it's pretty nice that men no longer consider their wives to be property or subordinated, but equals. That's how healthy relationships work!

>>34880

No, there is strife in that household because of your false feminist ideal/idol "equality". You're nothing but blind if you think a relationship with fighting "equals" is more healthy than one were the man leads and the women follows.

>>34879

It's my mom's house, so he he's not the one to kick me out. Maybe if he wasn't such a drunk loser who drinks all his and half of my moms money away we would be living in his house and he would be able to kick me out.

>>34835

>Do we have any hikikomori on /kind/?

Yes.

>For how long have you been one?

Since summer's end of 2015, so a year and half roughly.

>How're things with your family?

My mom unconditionally loves me as a mother. My dad is an autist that tries to make up for a being a poor parent in my adolescence by buying me food. They still haven't accepted that I'll die as a KV NEET. My mom wants me to go outside or pick up a hobby.

>Do you at least go out to get something to eat and if yes how often?

You can't really qualify as a hikki if you haven't been a shut-in for at least six months and only go outside for convenience store runs according to the Japanese government's definition. In the summer of 2015, I went to the library and park quite often and to a therapist. Since then, the number of times I've been outside can be counted on one hand.

>Do you ever get money to spend on things you like through the internet like figures or dakis, and if yes how much?

Kind of. If I want something every several months that's a couple hundred, they'll let me buy it.

>Do you have any will or desire to leave such life?

I don't have the willpower or motivation to get back on track. I wish I was never born.

>>34872

I sincerely like listening to that. I'm a masochist.

>>34881

Men only get to wear the pants if they're the breadwinner.

>>34882

Drunkards like that should be promptly dealt with and corrected by your local community. Your mother is just as bad for picking the kind of husband who would become such a thing. Sounds to be incapable of not enabling and rewarding bad behavior in males. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

>>34889

I figured it was one of those disgusting "equal partnership" perversions. But yeah, men should always be both or everyone will suffer. Women also have the responsibility of picking a proper husband.

>>34895

>Drunkards like that should be promptly dealt with and corrected by your local community.

I wish that would be the case, but unfortunately it's not since the whole community is alcoholic here. It's almost like a culture.

>Your mother is just as bad for picking the kind of husband who would become such a thing.

I wouldn't say she is "as bad", but yeah she lacks a good judgement for sure. I ask her once why she married him and she said she didn't know that he has such a alcohol problem and seemed like a good guy, but that was just the facade he painted for my mom. She also has too big of a heart for her own good. If it were to me I would have kick him out, but my mom still cares about him, even though he obviously doesn't care about her.

>>34896

Your mother seems really nice. You probably have more genes of your mother than of your father.

Why is your father an alcoholic? Has he always been like that? Do you think maybe the issue of alcoholism could be tackled?

>>34901

>Why is your father an alcoholic?

I don't know, my first memories of him are him getting home late at night drunk. I guess it runs in the family, his dad was one as well. Well at least I made myself a promise to never drink, but I'm just a diferent style of loser the end of the day I guess.

>Has he always been like that?

Yes, but I feel it got worse since I stop going to school. I feel like I'm a reason for it or at least in part.

>Do you think maybe the issue of alcoholism could be tackled?

I don't know how, he won't listen and all his friends are the same. I feel like the problem is too deeply rooted to be solved. I just don't know…

>>34907

So maybe if you got a job it would help at least improve it? If you got a job it would also help fight depression, and you would even have money to spend on things you like. Please promise me you'll at least think about this possibility, yes?

>>34910

That's the theory, but doing it, it's another thing. It's hard I don't know if I can actually do it. see >>34848

I'm a coward who always looks for a easy way out and I feel like ending myself is the that way, but I just can't do that to my mom, I can't do it with a clear conscience. I feel like in such inescapable position, like I'm traped in a corner, but I never wanted to be here. I don't even know anything anymore.

Thanks for being kind anon, I do appreciate it.

>>34912

Ok, but I won't give up on you, yes?

Do you talk oftenly to your mother? Do you trust her? If no and then yes, what do you think of asking for a long mother-son talk with her? And I read your post earlier just now, what kind of disease do you have? Diets are always extremely important for your health, so regardless of your disease, what do you think of a better diet, at least drink more water? And now I ask you to answer seriously, anon, do you think you have any hope (even if its extremely small) of ever becoming happier or feeling fulfilled? Or at least making life feel less miserable? I'll be here for you as long as you want, so feel free to talk about anything. I'm sorry if I'm butching into your life so rudely, if that's so, I'm sorry and you don't have to reply

>>34925

You sound like a Christfriend.

>>34926

Maybe I am, but I'd like to try and help you anyway, or at least just keep talking to give you something to forget about life.

>>34925

>Ok, but I won't give up on you, yes?

t-thanks, but I don't want you to worry about me anon, I'm sure you have other things to worry about.

>Do you talk oftenly to your mother? Do you trust her?

I do trust her or I think so at least. But no, I rarely talk to her. I know she would listen, but I just can't put my stress on her, she's feeling down because of me already. I don't even know what to say to her, I did once said her, that I want to kill myself, I shouldn't have said that to her, I don't know what I was thinking.

>what kind of disease do you have?

I've had weak immune system all my life, so I catch every disease possible, I'm always at least a bit sick. But every a couple of years I get something more serious. I don't know what I have now, according to my doctor my body cells are dying prematurely, I don't know what the cause is, it could be cancer as they said when I was still in preschool that there is a high possibility of me geting one when I'll be middle age, but I guess it could came quicker. Nobody is sure, doctor examined me, but public healthcare sucks here and everything takes a long time. Since I've been there I'm only getting worse everyday, but I don't want to go back to the hospital. I look like a two weeks old corpse just dragged from the river. I feel like I'm made of glass, I'm falling apart. And I'm not sure how I should feel about all this, I hate seeing my mom sad, but at the same time I'm secretly hoping that I'll just die in my sleep one day. As for diet, yeah I guess it could only improve things, but the problem is I have this stupid eating disorder and food is making me sick, I can barely eat a bit without feeling like puking. I'm eating so little now, sometimes I don't eat at all for a day or two, I do drink a lot of water and the thought.

>do you think you have any hope (even if its extremely small) of ever becoming happier

I don't know anon if I'm honest I doubt it, I don't feel like I was build for this world, I shouldn't have been born. But I will give you a promise that I will try, I guess the first step would be making my mom less sad. She's bugging me about going the the doctor again, but they never helped me, they just fill me up with random and hope it will fix me somehow. I hate going there I feel like a freak, like some sort of test monkey, especially since I heard a couple times medical students who are in training there laughing at me behind my back when I'm there readly to brake down and start crying, it sucks.

You don't have to apologize. You're too sweet anon, I feel you should just forget about me, you've already done a lot for me you know. But thanks for being here, I do mean it.

>>34933

Ok. I really advise you to talk to your mom. Have a very long and meaningful talk. Tell her about your concerns and also listen to hers. It's the best thing you can do and all it takes is to ask. I'm sorry I can't do much more than give you this advice, it really seems that that's all way beyond your own range of action. I'm sorry you can't do anything about it. But I wish you the best, anon. If you need to talk about anything, I'll be here, on this thread, ok?

>>34934

Thank you anon. The problem is I don't know how to talk to someone out side the internet. I don't know what to say to her. She already sees and knows in what kind of physical and mental health I am. She will just keep telling me things will improve and it will get better for me, but she's been telling me that for years and it's constantly going downhill for me. I don't know if I should confess to her how much I really want to end it. She is deluded, I don't think she can fully understand how I feel. I don't know anon, I don't see myself having any sorts of future. I'm not even sure anymore if I'm more scared of killing myself or staying alive just for my moms sake. Maybe I'll try finding myself a part time job which I can do from home, but I don't have any skills or motivation to learn. I don't know how much more I can take. I just hope it doesn't go from bad to worse after you die.

>>34937

Ok. I think I had an idea. I also can't talk well, and I prefer typing/writing, so maybe I understand how you feel like when you are talking. What if you wrote a letter to her, explaining how you feel, and handed it to her from hand to hand? You could start explaining that right now you are so bad that you can't even talk and so you have to hand her a handwritten letter, and then you'd write about each and everything of how you feel, even if that makes a 50 page text, and ask her the questions you want to ask and anything else on that letter. I imagine it could be awkward, but it also could work. And besides, what else is there to lose? What would you lose from trying this or just talking to her? Would it make your current situation worse? And I don't think you should suicide. Of course, this is coming from someone who doesn't know one bit of you and the choice is completely yours, I would have the same feelings if I were on the same boat of yours, but I feel like you're a really nice person on the inside, I don't think you deserve this any of this, do you? I wish you will somehow overcome this. Again, I'll be here 7 days a week for you, so please talk to me, wheter it's suicide or the weather, ok? And also again, I'm sorry if I'm being stubborn or butching too much into your life.

>>34944

Thank you very much anon. I will try something, maybe something in between talking and writing. I guess you're right, I don't have anything to lose. But I still don't know what exactly to tell her, or how honest to be with her. I don't want to make her even sadder. Do I think I deserve it? I don't know, I try not looking at it like that, I guess if someone must be as messed up, it might as well be me since I don't really have a life. But maybe I do deserve it, I don't know. I mean the is not a doubt in my head this family would be better of if I wasn't born or if I were to disappear. Let's say I somehow improve both physically and mentally, then what? I can't imagine myself having any sorts of life, I can't imagine myself waking up every morning for another 50 years or so. The best I feel I can do is to live long enough to outlive my mom and then end it. I don't know, I feel a bit dizzy just writing this and thinking about it. Please don't feel the need to apologise for anything. Thanks again anon for talking to me and helping me getting motivated to change and improve, you're very kind.

>>34949

Ok. Do you want to try something like what >>34948 said? I'd like to keep talking to you, I don't know, it could be through an e-mail or discord or we could just stay in this thread if you want. I'm also not the happiest of persons by the way, we could try something like help each other improve, so, like, we set a goal of both of us eating an orange one day, that is healthy, and at the end of the way, we would report back wheter it was a success or not, or we could talk to each other about getting a job and so on, always being honest and relying one on the other, I don't know, I think that could help you, and also me, it would motivate me to do something if you were to help yourself too and I'd be happy if that was the same for you, I don't know, this all probaly seems like out of the blue, all of the sudden, far fetch'd, etc, and I think at this point I'm definetely crossing the line of stubborness, so please apologize me but I can't contain myself for you, but maybe there's a small chance you like the idea? And if you do ever suicide, do you mind sharing the day and time you'll do it with me? It would be nice to kill myself at the same time as you, maybe we'd walk into hell or heaven or whatever together, holding hands.

I'm sorry for being really awkward, but what do you think? If I'm bothering you, please don't mind not replying.

>>34953

I would love that, I would love to help you as well, I don't know how exactly, but I would give it my best try, I promise. I don't have anything to lose, it can only improve for me and I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling unhappy. Would you mind posting info? It can be anything, I don't care what, I will make an account if I don't have one. If you don't want to, I understand, say it and I will post mine then. I know this is extremely selfish of me, but please don't think about suicide, please… And you're not awkward please stop apologising, thank you for everything you really have a golden heart.

Ok. Um. I'm really sorry for not replying you yesterday. I did not forget about you, if anything I kept thinking about you, I just didn't know what to reply and was feeling kind of shy, but I think I have some thoughts now. I think I don't know well how to use email. I don't have a lot of experience. I like to use imageboards. I think it would would awkward to use another service. What do you think of me posting a link to another board here? It would be a really slow board. We'd go to a thread near the bottom of the catalog and use sage. I'm kind of timid but it would be our secret base. I think I have a board in mind, but I'd like to listen to what you think first. I really want to be with you. I'm sorry for wasting your time

Um, and also, but very important, I think that if anything I think that you should choose how we do it, so we will keep contact in whatever way you like, um, that was just my suggestion, I think you should have the final word, I'd like you to decide, and that's if you want to keep with this anyway, what I mean to say is that I don't want to boss you around, i want you to choose, if you prefer e-mail I'll be very happy to use it, if you want to try discord, IRC or anything else, I also will be very happy, I just want you to feel comfortable.im being awkward again, I'm sorry

>>34972

>>34974

I don't care really, I guess I would prefer email, but I feel uncomfortable posting it. I do like your board idea. And you're not being awkward, but a tiny bit silly with all the apologises… Honesty it's me who has to apologise to you, I'm sorry I'm selfish, I was crying how terrible I have it without ever asking you how you feel. I feel like I'm draining your energy, sorry. I guess what I want to say is that you should pick whatever you feel most comfortable with, you're the one doing me a favor by talking to me, so thanks for that and everything else.

I've been a hikki for about 5 years now. My friends have all left to start their own lives while I hang around not doing anything. I tried college but I ran away, as I did with many thing in my life since I was a young boy. I even tried to find love, it ended rather badly. I'm a coward, all my life I ran away from life, I had no friends, I did poorly in school and didn't care, and never really did anything worthwhile. It's a lonely and sad life, being a hermit shut off from society. I feel like dirt everyday and just have this pit of despair in my heart that is always lingering with me. And the worst part is I think my parents blame themselves, my Dad in particular because he was busy fighting in the Iraq War to raise me to be a man. It just kills me inside that they still care about me, because it makes me feel even more like human garbage.

Sorry if I was being too melodramatic, I just wanted to air it out.

>>34835

>Do we have any hikikomori on /kind/?

Yes

>For how long have you been one?

Six years

>How're things with your family?

They turned a blind eye up until recently and now they care for my future

>Do you at least go out to get something to eat and if yes how often?

I did not go outside to eat at all for the first four years but these past two years I've tried going with them to dinners when I can.

>Do you ever get money to spend on things you like through the internet like figures or dakis, and if yes how much?

I get christmas and b-day money but I haven't bought any dakis or figures. I made about $450 from selling all my wow gold months after WoD launch so I regret not selling it when I quit in 2014. I spent about $200 from the $450 on starlight stage.

>So do you have any will or desire to leave such life?

I fell into this lifestyle because I was weak and afraid when I was eighteen. I know I can change; I just need to stop being afraid .

Help us /kind/ !!