/egy/ - Edgyptians

I don’t what to say or where to start. I’ve always mocked this board for years because it felt like I’d never be in such a position to talk about anything that saddens me. And for the fact that whatever I’ll say it will be immediately recognisable by people who know me. But yeah. I feel an incredible amount of anxiety, like everyone is racing around and they got their support you know? But I live alone and feel alone. Went through a lot. And just mentioning one of the problems will just ”alert” some people. Everyone is having their own good life, good ending. But I don’t think I’ll ever get it. Every plan and every step I do has a solid guarantee with it that I’ll be in a big step back. Like losing a job or a potential lover or a flat relocation or a some sort of a surgery. The thing is, I look at people with their lives with an anxious look. Like “alright fine you won the lottery in your life, you got the American dream going whatever just leave me alone” “leave me alone with my setbacks”. I don’t have the power or the mind to do anything creative or advance in a skill since economical stress is just frying my mind at this point. And the thing is, whenever I wanna talk about it, people will just tell “sucks to be you, lol” and move along. There is no tenderness anymore in life. It’s always punches on the chin. But I had one, one person who was kind, like 90s soul kind you know? Something you don’t see in this dystopian generation. And I lost that person due to my…actions and lies. But I had to survive. I did some unhinged stuff. Always wished that I can tear time and space just to tweak the time and keep this person with me forever. But now life just doesn’t mean anything really. It all went down hell. And the last straw was my dead cat yesterday. and now I feel completely stranded in my small apartment. I’m thinking ending it all these days. Stress isn’t worth it. Neither this whole race. It’s okay to be quitter.. I deserved whatever happens anyway.