Then
>pretended to be one of my cousins peer group friends
>hang out with them every day after school
>never felt like I am one of them or that I belong to them
I also had my own clique of weirdos but we disbanded after 3 or 4 years
Now
>asocial recluse
>all remaining "friends" from that time probably don't even remember me anymore
>disgusted with entire world
Why do I even get up in the mornings anymore?
At least OP had an authentic social life.
You can say that there was a time in your life where you lived.
My life was one big lie from the beginning.
But it was fun to hang out with them nevertheless …