Hello everyone, this is going to be a sort of confession, i’d say even a request for help.
I am a very young man, barely in his earliest twenties, needless to say I am the /doomer/ type irl, but I am aware of the fact that my state of being is caused by my poor decision making, and that my actions always had sever consequences on my health and on other people’s perception of me, as well as my grades and social relationships…
I have been doing my best to become better, since the mid of 2016 I decided to change and purge the misery, laziness, and filth out of my life, and so I did all I could, from proper diet, to physical training, to no more vidya addiction and 3am irresponsible sleeping times.
I have come a long a way, and I am somewhat proud of myself, but one thing remains, one thing which is disturbing me, and ruining me both mentally and physically.
I am addicted to masturbation, highly addicted, it is not overstated. I used to watch porn all day, vanilla, bdsm, incest, and all of those weird fetishes, until one day, I began getting aroused by even more extreme forms of pornography, from vore, to cuck and fag porn, once I became aware of the filth I was watching and jerking myself to, I got disgusted with myself, I felt as though I surrounded myself with mud in a swamp in which I absurdly felt pleasure, like a degenerate pig.
So, I did everything I could to halt the porn addiction, merely looking at porn disgusted me, it became a moral dilemma, and I could no longer look at any videos of people fucking, they were all pigs to me, and if I looked at them I felt as though I was like them.
But that was not freedom, not was it salvation, the next “hot thing” I began jerking myself to were pics of women, alone, no one with them, I looked for minutes for the woman I fancied the most then I imagined her with me in all sorts of positions, doing and saying all sorts of stuff. It became like homework I’ve done whenever I came back home, I thought my addiction was getting weaker but in reality I was even more depraved for sexual pleasure, some days, when I am angry, bored, upset or in a bad mood, I masturbate and masturbate and masturbate non stop, 7 to 8 times a day, which, as you can already tell, fucks up both my mind ( my mood gets worse, I get depressed and I lose appetite, as well as no longer having the will to do anything, including important tasks for school which my future depends on. ) and my body loses weight, even though I have a rich diet and I train I am certain that all is wasted on my ridiculous lust.
Just today, I jerked myself 6 times, 4 in a row, and I can already feel it getting to my mood, and I know, that in the future, when I’m old, this will certainly destroy me in one way on another, since I have been doing this for over 5 years now.
This is a swamp which I can never leave, even when I feel repulsed and I do not masturbate for over a week or so, one day I inevitably come back and I ruin all the momentum I had built before, how can I get myself out of this? I cannot, I tried over and over again, and I have failed every single time, it is like a drug which I’m unable to live my life without, yet it is one which I hate.
The faces of those whores and all of those filthy men fucking like degenerate pigs will always be written somewhere in my head, forming a mass of ugliness, and I am tired of being haunted by it.
Please, if you have anything, any suggestions, they are welcome.