I really want to repent. I know that if I repent, or, atleast, I believe that if I repent everything will just be better, the anxiety will go down, the sadness will vanish, I will be good towards other people again and whatever it is I am looking for in this life, it's in God, sometimes I'm sure. Sometimes I'm not. I really do not know.
Sometimes it was just so easy to go and confess. Sometimes it was so easy to just start fasting, to pray, to do anything, but now I just can't. There was a time where I had said, yes, I should confess so that I can return to God and my sins be pardoned, right, but that was not enough. So I said to myself, we have to put our trust in God to even do confession right. And I gained the joy I had lost again.
But now, I just can't. I just… can't. I decide to, yeah, I decide that I will live a Christian life again, but sometimes I just forget about it…
Yeah, sometimes I believe Christ is not the answer, but anytime my conscience is alarmed by encountering Christ in everyday life, like, someone mentioning God, or entering a Church, I know there's something wrong. I get very sad. Or one time, a lady confessed, I just couldn't resist the urge to cry. I try to track down a priest, but everytime I do the decision just eludes me. I've been to a "orthodox therapist" wich told me really to just confess and reconsider my praxis of taking the communion every Liturgy. But the answer just doesn't "stick". I don't know what to do. I'm anxious, I'm sad, I just want things to go back to the way they were. Don't want to go back to my scrupulous self. I don't like that. I just want things to be… okay?