Cont.
I stewed in my own self pity and slothfulness for almost 2 years, always telling myself, "next time", or "you're just not ready yet". Then, one day when I was helping with a conference for a highschool genetics competition at my university, I passed by two of my former classmates who were in medical school. I did not have the nerve to talk to them and simply waved back. I felt a shame and regret I cannot describe, as if I had failed at life in the most pathetic way imaginable.
I returned home and for 3 months did not change my lifestyle in anyway. I was a disgusting creature who knew of his own failures, but gave up completely in addressing them. Wanting to feel like I was part of something consequential and not tuned out from the world, I restarted my personal research on the Syrian and Iraqi conflicts, that I started in college through Syria General. I discovered videos by an NGO called Academy of Emergency Medicine based in Slovakia. They are a relatively new medical NGO that gained some attention for their work during the re-taking of Mosul. They claim they are the only medical NGO on the ground right now operating in still-hot combat zones.
I tore through their videos one after one looking with wide eyes. These men, who were not getting paid in cash or even media attention, were braving gunfire in just body armor to save Syrian and Kurdish lives. Their work was often rushed and confused, but it was the only help the people were getting. Call it childish, but it lit a fire in me I did not have since graduating highschool. I looked through the volunteer bios and learned that most were ex-military, many were infantry combat vets. The notion that the military is nothing but a Zionist tool for global domination was already weakened in my mind, but I think the truth slowly started to reveal itself that day.
I can't argue against the fact that Western imperialism is one of the greatest evils, if not the greatest in our world, but I didn't care about that. I knew it was naive to think a civilian doctor could survive such situations; I had to go to the military to receive proper training and experience what operating in a combat zone is really like. I figured adding one more puppet soldier to the rosters couldn't hurt, if his goal is to reduce the suffering of war victims even just a little.
If I was serious about it this time, I knew I had to seek wisdom from my grandfather, a two-time war veteran in some of the most savage guerilla wars the world has seen. After a long conversation about my motives and chances, he simply replied, "Men like us just know it in our heart. I always expected you to go down this path". He shared a large collection of his old war photos with me and told me numerous stories about the men he served with. Most were volunteers who joined to protect and feed their families - all were younger than me when they first experienced combat.
It's been over a week since I've had that conversation and since then I've just been sitting here ruminating. I have also re-started my strength training regimen after a year hiatus and plan on a distance-running regimen once I have lost sufficient weight. All I can say is I do not remember being this motivated to hit the books in a long time.