I am in deep trouble… I have been struggling with the weight of mortal sin, you know the one, for so long and for so fruitlessly now, I feel so worthless… I am to be a soldier of God, fulfill my destiny, but I am still right here… God, I feel low… I am so unbelieveably low and I still have so far to go. And yet I thought the exact same yesterday, guess how far it got me.
I have recieved visions and dreams, confrontations in the art I consume of a certain brand of death, which would seem almost comforting when faced with the prospect of confronting it with a clean soul. I dreamt of me sitting up against a brick wall in a backyard, taking a nap as the slightly setting sun woke me up. My clothes were rotten and my lower jaw was missing, my ribcage was exposed and the fluids of my body were laying still in my torso like pools of goop, and I remember thinking I didn't care to be in this state, it was the most elementally pathetic thing I'd ever witnessed. I, on the same day, came across this song https://youtu.be/W24WS9uM6bU I am to have surgery on my lower jaw sometime this year.
A friend told me today he dreamt of me dying in a bizarre way… of me falling of my bike and my heart simply stopping… I've had similar dreams of relatives. I realize this is common but I've had waking realisations, as if deja vu moments where a feeling of death was imminent… I have also recently developed symptoms of relapsing polychondritis, a potentially fatal immune system disease, at least I suspect them to be, I hope not, of course. I feel like my time is slowly coming yet I have not fulfilled my task on earth at all. As such, I have become obsessed with the image of simple purity, of sinless-ness, dignity… I am so far away from this, I do not know where to turn to, and I do not know what to say to my Lord.
I know this is a somewhat pathetic blogpost but to rationalize posting it: General dream thread, fighting despair, premonitions, etcetera…