I lost my faith and this time I dont even know whether I can get it back. All that fills me is just hate and anger. I am now the Underground Man. Lost in his sorrows and left only with an endless desire to see others suffer. Now I know how the Satan feels. This must be his mind and this is now mine.
And yes, I gone through periods of spiritual drought before, doubting God but these isn't any resentment towards God. It's a dead and desperate me trying to find him. Trying to be filled with his love. But now this is the final straw. For over a year I am living in hell. My mother constantly try to psychologically mock me and put me down. So much that the mere fact she is a Christian makes me angry, makes me hate God and want to be an Atheist to spite her, and to spite God who bless her
This woman tried to kill me on many occasions, embarrassed me in public by beating me until I bleed and always shouting at me. I have enough.
Worse of all when I been through all this, some people I thought I can trust betrayed me. They only offer their vain empty words and display their false sense of righteousness instead of actually helping. All they did was talk behind me and then to my face feign being concerned about me
I am sick of you all. I am sick of God
And I am sorry I lost my god damn faith.