Many of your problems are being caused by a warped viewpoint. You're only a month in and beset by doubt – I strongly encourage you to avoid acting on impulse and calm down.
>Why are we such a tiny minority in this country? (US) Why do I have to explain everything about my "Eastern/Greek Orthodox religion" to pretty much everybody, including my own family?
The USA is a traditionally Protestant country; you know this. Basic principles of Catholicism are foreign to most Christians in US, let alone the principles of Orthodoxy. This is a problem with your perspective – be grateful you're not converting in a predominantly atheist nation like Japan. Consider how much harder they must have it with those close to them.
Why didn't I just get my Catholic confirmation instead of getting chrismated at a church that no matter how much I explain it, it's still foreign to my (lapsed Catholic) family members? How can I be the light in their lives that could help and inspire them to live a life in Christ if they see my faith as some obscure hobby of sorts?
This is entirely their problem. Christ commands us to consider our faith above all else, even our family. If they can't understand why you wound up in the Orthodox Church (or even worse, belittle it because they don't understand it, despite your explanations) that's not your fault and outside your control.
>Why would Jesus allow his one true church to be so ethnically divided along with an ugly jurisdictional mess?
This is a silly question; you're not seeing the forest for the trees and getting caught up in the visuals. In spite of our human weakness, despite the heresy of ethnophyletism, the Orthodox Church holds true to the One True Faith and maintains Apostolic Tradition in its absolute fullness. God gives us the greatest miracle in the Liturgy, which we all share. We're bound by our common partaking of Christ's Body and Blood; the rest is fluff.
>Why would Jesus allow his one true church to come to no agreement about calendars and that whole toll house thing?
If you were living in ~800 AD, you could just as easily ask why Iconoclasm was dividing the Church and reason that God has abandoned us because of it. In comparison to past heresies, each of these issues are minor. The Church is dealing with them at the Church's pace – decades or centuries to complete resolution. Like all heresies, they will be (and are) resolved in time.
Why would Jesus allow his one true church to be so pisspoor at evangelizing?
This is a human weakness caused by ethnophyletic issues, and the modern world changing at such a quick clip that the Church is having a hard time keeping up. It's something that we're addressing; considering evangelizing problems a blight from God rather than the Lord's call to action is again a problem with your perspective.
>I don't care about the filioque,
This is a failure of your catechesis. Is it the most important thing in the world? By all means, no. But it's a significant doctrinal deviation and you need to understand why you should care about it, even if only in passing.
>but I'm growing increasingly disappointed that we don't have a unifying Pope figure who happens to be the direct successor to the Prince of the apostles
Catechesis. We use the Council system for an extremely important reason. Naturally, they're not as effective as having a man give all the orders, but have a long conversation with your priest or deacon about Councils in Church history and Holy Tradition.
>on top of a generally richer theological/philosophical tradition as the Catholics do.
Catechesis. Ask your priest or deacon about the failure of Scholastic theology. Catholic tradition looks rich, and I don't deny there is a great amount of wisdom in some areas of Catholic theology – however, approaching God from a philosophical viewpoint is necessarily reductive and unnatural in practice.
>tfw no single orthoqts of reasonable age
Do not let your crotch guide your faith.
>The main things preventing me from converting is that despite their varying ranges of confusion, my family still felt very proud of me when they saw me chrismated just last month and I fear that if I have to convert back to Rome, I can't even imagine what kind of feelings they would have at my confirmation.
You made it. You joined the Church, and now satan has set every doubt in your heart to win you back. Surprisingly enough, he didn't enjoy being spit on.
>More importantly, I already have Orthodox godparents now and they already love me as godparents should. God knows how they would feel.
Rely on them in this situation. Ask them what to do, talk to them about your concerns. The Church is a single body. If you cut yourself off from it, you will not survive.