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5e56d4 (1) No.305493[Watch Thread][Show All Posts]

Bard Anon's poem reminds me of my own

Their dedication tells that i'm not alone:

Makes me want to pick my pen again

And after long start working on my art

:

Celestia was queen of day

Who gave the lands their precious light

And day by day her magic waned

Till at last she was no more

The queen has died a noble death

With her last life she tried raise

The breaking dawn for one last time

But task half done she passed away

The shaky gleam of rosy dawn

Was torn perforce by heavy night

And terror gripped all heart and hope

-A dayless night forevermore

All lands did send their strongest mage

To Canterlot to build the day

-To raise the sun without the queens

To bring back hope from darkest night

A mighty throng of mages set

Themselves to work and formulate

The strongest spell to hold sun

Until they find another queen

The palace ground was scored with runes

The clouds above were fixed in place

With mystic signs from ancient lore

To magnify their final spell

With work all done they gathered round

And bade farewell and worked their spell

A brilliant flash was seen leagues far

The rosy dawn grew back again

With heavy thump , a lifeless lump

The mages fell without a groan

The day was back , the spell had worked

And sadly it shall work again

The rite of dawn was seen afresh

More mages died for months on end

But news at last from southern wastes

About the waited sign was heard

A little child had come of age

And grant by fate the solar brand .

A convoy rushed to bring the child

To teach to her the elder spell .

At once she learnt , the gift was her’s

With effortless grace she raised the sun

96b3da (1) No.305573>>305703

It's pretty good! You do a nice job setting up an iambic meter, but you just need to proofread.

>Till at last she was no more

Should start with "Until" as you only have seven syllables here otherwise.

>With her last life she tried raise

Think you're missing a "to" before "raise."

>The strongest spell to hold sun

Same deal here.

>With effortless grace she raised the sun

"Effortless" absolutely rapes the meter and throws your syllables off. Were you trying to break meter for dramatic effect at the end? I can't say I appreciated it. Maybe consider going for iambic pentameter in the last two lines. It could be like a sonnet-style volta.

You've done a fine job so far, just make sure to give your work some extra proofreading. A misspelled or out of place word in prose is a little jarring - breaking meter in poetry is so much more distracting. I find the best way to proofread something like this is to read it aloud to myself. Usually it becomes very obvious when something is not right. Is this going to be part of a larger work?


c20a9d (1) No.305703

>>305573

misspells are my bad, I seem to have posted an unedited version. But yeah, thanks for telling me about the ending, now that you mention it indeed does sound odd,I'll do something about it.

But no, this is the end of this. I was working on another one with the same meter and flow but significantly longer, abandoned to going 'what do people write this anymore?' well, should get back to it, cause they apparently fucking do.




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