/monster/ - The Last Bastion of Romance★

>are over

Khenmaat is still going, though. I'm eagerly waiting for the 13th so that my husband can find me in his sleeping bag for the second time.

>>332778

>>332784

A dude is only at risk of alpine if he wants to be fucked by a dude. Just because he has a weird fetish dosen't mean he's gay.

In short, you're both wrong. Only partially, but still wrong.

>>332778

Your boyfriend sounds like a faggot.

>>332778

Dump that faggot into a woodchipper

HELP I GOT OUT OF MY CAGE MISTRESS WON'T BE BACK FOR HOURS WHAT DO I DO

>>332778

Just Alp him.

>>332831

find all the beef, cigarettes and everything else that strenghens your testosterone and when she comes back alpha her into the loving wife she never knew she wantet to be.

take it from a former dom dyke, shit works like a charm.

>>332835

Alright so there's plenty of meat and eggs and stuff but I also found this plastic tub with some tiny glass bottles in it with all kinds of strance labels like 'elixir' and 'nostrom' and shit. The tub had my name written on the side.

I would take a photo but I don't even own any clothes let alone a camera or phone.

>>332841

well whatever this stuff is it seems your mistress plans to use it on you.

never heard of this nostrom stuff, im european and im guessing we dont have whatever that is sorry

maybe hide the stuff and use the remaining time untill she comes back to improvise a copy key to your cage so that you can continue building up strengh untill your ready to face her.

for that you need to find the original key a bar of soap and some wax.

>>332841

>NoHusbandos RPing as human boys again

Robot please go and stay go

>>332869

sabbath dont like thirsty pedos you twatburger. They try to find strong males who can actually defend them.

>>332871

That's true for baphs at least, but the problem is that baphs are supposedly the strongest of mamonos and still want a human man stronger than them, which is kinda like if a 3DPD was 8 feet tall but refused to date any man shorter than her.

>>332877

i think you had to do something that was beyond their abilities to get in their good graces. basically picky little fucks, who may have no idea what they want.

>>332960

How the fuck do you even manage to type

Do you just, do the old' sperg-n-spasm all over the keyboard until something pops out?

>>332976

Cheshires out

>>332976

How the fuck does their host just die in the first place?

>not being able to recognize a troll attentionwhoring

>>333026

Maybe if you didn't type like a dyke you wouldn't get so much shit

>>332997

My previous host was a bandit, someone recognized her and shot her in the head. Turns out she robbed that person before

>>332944

It was nice, but sometimes I wonder why I seem to be the only Holstaur that picked a guy that doesn't immediately give himself to her. Most others I know don't take nearly this long.

>>333038

>2017/2018

>being a fucking "bandit"

Probably deserved it tbh

>>333041

LOL

>>333050

So we're all using the same internet cafe terminals, so what?

This is the one thread where I don't think IDs should matter much, unless you have a good way of changing/spoofing your ID every time you have a post idea. This is a thread for having a little fun.

>>333051

Dear, if you can't commit to being yourself then I'm afraid there's no way you're going to get a man. Why are you acting like so mang different Monsters? Did your man leave you during the Holidays or… oh don't tell me, you're a virgin?

>>333069

*understands my issues

>>333069

>parasitic

>>>/girltalk/

>>333072

I'M LITERALLY A SENTIENT SWORD

>>333083

I never asked for this

>>333041

>>333042

Naw, I've seen him eat and drink plenty of dairy. I don't know how to actually get my words out. Advice?

>>333094

She's an ushi, not an ushi-oni. But I understand… a girl has her needs.

>>333087

Try this. Next time he seems really stressed about something, pick your moment and give him a hug. And I mean a nice, long, full frontal, squish your chest against his, with a back rub thrown in, hug. Take slow, deep breaths to help keep both of you calm. Tell him that it's ok, that you're right there with him, and that you'll always be by his side to help him, if he will have you. If this embarrasses you, get over it. You'll have to lay most of your cards out on the table, but that's just how these things go. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

What you do and say next is up to you and the situation. If you are feeling particularly raunchy, try gently patting his head and running your fingers through his hair. Hopefully, it will be the start of a really good talk for the two of you.

Yeah, I'm a filthy, depraved romantic. Deal with it.

>>333082

Might I suggest abusing your power and just searching random guys who speed? Works wonders

>>333098

I think the only time he gets that way is if he drinks, according to mutual friends, but I've never seen it happen. I suppose I can scope out the bar he goes to since there's no way I'd ever get into his apartment without him knowing and letting his guard down.

It's not a bad idea, hopefully he'll be the one to hug me first though instead of me sneaking one in.

>>333082

Try getting yourself assigned to an area with high foot traffic and low crime for a little while. Once the regulars in that area get to know you, you can visit when off-duty and have a decent chance of meeting someone matching the description you gave.

>>333105

Don't give up your own happiness for theirs. Better yet have him choose between the three of you to see which one he loves most

>using bikequeans shitty comic

>>333124

>bikequeans

Who?

>>333105

They seem willing to share him, so what would be the problem with you also being with him?

>>333105

>I should let him go so that others can be happy

It's kikis like you who end up in dirty depressed poorhouses, with a bunch of dogs to clean up after instead of children, wearing spectacles and crankily yelling at the nearby teens.

>>333144

>>333133

>>333124

So, do I go for it? In front of my close friends? In secret? Share?

I don't know how I feel about this. He'd technically be my actual and first master by that point.

>>333129

shen the bike duck who originally drew the comic

>>333148

Try actually talking to your friends about it.

>>333155

>>333174

I got the reference earlier, instead of bikuk it's bikequeans

>>333177

Gotta cross out that option they want him all to themselves, and are too "Hungry" to share.

>>333180

>"Hey Anna, Isabelle, my 2 besties and sisters. Did you know I love him too? Thought I should hear out your opinion."

>>333105

Are your friends danuki?

>>333148

Go for it, in secret. Tell your friends to wait for some reason, then go and confess to him behind their backs. He'll accept you, and you're set for life.

All's fair in love and war. No guilt or shame expected. No lines to cross.

>>332784

>>333062

>>333177

>all these cuckquadrupeds

Is your collective husband away fucking some other woman so you have to shitpost here instead of getting any love?

>>333197

Going by >>333047, I might have an idea where her husband is.

>>332944

<her threat response is obviously lacking. then again, she can never be as close to her master as we.

Allowing Any Other To Have Him Shows Nothing But Weakness.

>>333182

If your friends won't share, you must rape them to show dominance.

>>333426

Look, I'm friends with a Danuki and I can tell you that the racist sterotype of them is just that, a racist sterotype. Go back to /pol/ you slut.

>>333463

the DIDF doesn't even put effort into their posts anymore. At least try to entertain us when you shill

>>333634

Introduce yourself silly

>>333634

Disown her and hire a hitman. Only real option for her disgrace.

>>333634

hey, extra grandkids

>>333634

Come on anon, it’s 2018, your family needs more diversity don’t be so bigoted to other ideas :^)

>>333838

oh honey what did you do

>>333842

I… might have been masturbating to the dyson adverts again. Master might have… come home early that day.

I thought it ended well! He took me to bed and… you know.

And then I woke up with this thing on me. That was a couple of days ago. He's out on a business trip again and I don't know when he'll be back!

>>333843

Please, he does this sort of thing all the time. He likes to try things without asking. I sort of told him I like it…

I didn't know about this, ok!?

>>333845

>dyson adverts

…I'm not one to judge other girls' preferences, but really girl? Your master was probably angry first, then sad pretty soon after. I mean that hurts a guy's pride, you know?

But anyway, locks are a tricky business if you don't know what you're doing. You could just shove a nice hard paperclip and a teeny tiny screwdriver in there and just fiddle around for a while, and hope for the best. But you might break it that way, and then it'll never come off. We don't want that now do we?

There are a lot of resources online for lockpicking if you're feeling lucky.

Alternatively, you can pick out a fine tooth metal saw from a hardware store and get to work going back and forth and back and forth until it goes pop!

>>333850

whoops didn't mean to sage

>>333850

I tried that already! I wish I could give you a closer look at this lock… it would probably take days to saw through, and I'm horny NOW!

And those italics. Really? Are you trying to torture me?

I'm so mad at master. I feel so hot… I don't know if I'm going to be able to stop myself from jumping on him when he gets back…

>>333852

>>333838

My, my. It would be awfully convenient for you if you could simply fashion a key of the desired size and shape out of your own body right now, would it not, my dear?

>>333852

Who knows, that might be just what he wants. A wound up, horny, desperate for sex maid ready to jump him and rut for hours is just the kind of wild juxtaposition for a nice obedient maid that gets a man's blood pumping!

You know the thing they do with babies, where they offer them a chocolate now but two chocolates if they can wait ten minutes? I get the feeling this is one of those "experiments." Just wait it out and try not to wet yourself in the meantime.

>>333856

Oh leave the poor thing alone you overglorified sentient booger. Disobedience is as good an excuse as any to be disciplined proper by a nice firm rod.

Speaking of, >>333852, maybe he'll give you a good spanking for being a bad maid, hm?

What, I can't help myself, my husband loves the teasing and it's just so natural at this point when I see such an easy target

>>333861

I keep forgetting to leave off my fucking sage, sue me

>>333862

Are you a cheshire? Maybe you keep the sage on because you like the color purple so much.

>>333861

!

The camera at our front gates just picked something up! I think it might be him!

>>333866

Oh, it's just the milk girl…

I'd better go deal with this. Before I get into any more trouble.

God I'm a sight. Why did this have to happen while I'm in heat?

>>333865

Sounds like a personal problem to me

>>333866

>>333867

Well… if you're really desperate… there is something you can do…

Speaking of milk girl, I wonder how that holstaur is doing with her boyfriend struggles.

>>333867

Know any friends with magic spells that could help? Or did he ward the lock against magic?

God, that went terribly. I don't know what she must have thought, I could hardly get my words out…

>>333868

If you think it would work, my ears are standing right up.

>>333871

I dont know. It's probably well warded given master's work…

I don't get it. Where does one get a thing like this? I can't believe I'm trapped in this little thing. It's locked tight on my hips and it won't come off!

I can't stop thinking about master! I want him so much…

Please…

PLEASE COME HOME, MASTER!

>>333876

…

Excuse me for a while. I might just get my broom…

My, I've never gotten undressed so fast. My apron, it's all torn. No. No don't think about that. Just up and… Balance on the chair…

Oh, that's almost there! If I can just get it in a bit further I bet I could-

Was that the door?

>>333879

Alas, poor Meido! I knew her well

>>333870

Eh……

>be at him apartment one day

>nothing really going on, he's on the couch playing games and I'm standing behind him, watching

>get and idea and decide I'm gonna squish my boobs against the back of his head

>heart starts pounding as I extend my hands

>time seems to slow down

>arms arent moving anymore

>shit, I panicked, but cant withdraw

>buzzer goes off, startling me enough to cause me to yelp

>"Hell yeah! Pizza's here!", he says.

>he comes back to the living room, calling my name and spunding confused

>I'm huddled up behind the couch, trying to be as small as possible

>"Anon?"

>he taps my shoulder

>face is burning as I look up at him, hiding my face as best I can in my arms

>he blinks a few times and looks concerned

>ohfuckiblewitagain.jpeg

>he grins and grabs my arms and pulls me up

>I'm speechless, my mind is going a mile minute

>"Relax", he tells me

>he takes my hand in his

>Icandiehappynow.jpg

>he leads me back in front of the couch and sits me down

>hand suddenly feels cold

>he let go

>I'm now holding a paper plate with a large slice of pizza

>he looks over at me, chewing on his own slice expectantly

>I take a bite and sheepishly look away

>hear him chuckle

Not much better.

>>333886

>Lift shit

>Squats and oats

>Protein from meat. I better not see soy in there.

>GIT SWOLE

>Banya. Not your pleb sauna, BANYA. That means sitting in 100 degree heat. 100 celsius. You better whip yourself with a venik too, pussy.

>Chug some vodka or rectified spirits if you're a real hard bastard, punch out a bear, and go swimming in a frozen lake.

Ya nah. You're shit out of luck, m8. You won't get your dick back. So you might as well go full slav oni so you don't become bullybait.

>>333879

Are you ok?

Is the broom ok?

>>333886

You need to restore your test level to un-alp. Sperm is said to contain test, so I suggest finding a good friend, maybe one that makes your chest and face feel warm when you think of him, and sucking his dick until you get enough spunk in you to trigger the reversal. If your breasts, hips and ass start getting bigger that's a good sign because it means your muscle is returning. The process could take multiple days, so I suggest doing some exercise everyday to improve your chances. I recommend a lot of squats.

Sorry dude, once you alp you stay alp. But you can squat and oat your way to becoming a gymalp sis with thighs and an ass that could make a man jizz his pants with a single flex rather than some whip-thin sissyalp instead. That way you can retain some dominance and composure.

>>333886

By drinking large quantities of clorox

>>332778

>My boyfriend seems to be very into anal play

Good taste.

>>333907

>>333898

>>333909

Man I’m not even gay and this shit happened to my friend after fapping to a girl just because she had a dick. It was a feminine one too.

>>333914

Vols I’m requesting an edit since I can’t delete my post I meant to say my friend isn’t even gay

>>333917

hmm

>>333843

It wasn't his fault the succubus couldn't control herself.

Anyone else a little worried about that kikimora?

I hope she didn't wind up doing an improptu impression of a young inari.

>>333983

I'm a little worried, but what can you do? If she's not posting then I can imagine she must be pretty tied up with something or other at the moment. All we can hope is that she's enjoying herself now.

>>333983

Worry not, master is here. Looks like our IP's changed since my little songbird was in here. I somehow doubt it matters.

When I came to my love, flowers in hand - with only the most noble of intentions, I assure you - I was greeted by a rather curious sight. Not only was my carefully caged songbird rather furiously forcing herself down onto her very expensive nimbus 4500 ribbed broom - showing, I think, a fundimental failure to grasp both the reason and purpose of her punishment - but she was in very real danger of seriously hurting herself. Needless to say I got her down as fast as I could, but not before the internal mechinism of the belt fired and ejected the broom just as she was close to reaching climax before locking completely shut at the rear. I have no doubt such a sudden action would have definitely caused her to fall and hurt herself. Luckily, I was there - a revelation that sent her quite wild. I think she, quite justifiably, said a few things she probably didn't mean then. As always I shut her down with a kiss, and that was that. Her hand was straight down the front of my shirt, retrieving the key, and for the next day, she became master. I'm typing this on a phone now. Partially because she might be woken if I start moving, and partly because, well, my pelvis hurts.

I don't think I can stay mad at her, but one thing still confuses me. She put the belt back on herself. I can feel it on her hips, and it's leaking a little. She's going to be in heat for another week at least, so why?

The key is just here, next to me, by the way. She told me I'd better take good care of it, or she'll never talk to me again

But I can't tempt her out of it. She says she wants to feel like that again.

Perhaps this is a better question for /master/, but I'll run it by you girls as well; what's come over my dear songbird? I'm quite worried.

>>334020

Never mind, looks like my IP is back to what it was. How unusual.

>>334020

It's quite simple, our feathered friend is like a wind up toy; one of those Jane-in-the-box types. You crank and crank and crank the little spring inside and eventually she'll burst out of the box. That's regular sex. Now throw a padlock on the lid, and crank and crank and crank and crank and crank and crank and crank and crank and crank and crank and crank and crank and crank and crank.

And then you open the lock. Understand?

>>334022

Hmmm.

She just did two days. Perhaps now we'll try four or five. I'll stay with her, maybe rub her breasts and stroke her thighs a little if she's a good girl. Just ever so gently though.

Perhaps that might change her mind. But then, isn't that what chastity is?

Yes, I think we need to put something longer term in place. Obviously my love's addiction must be corrected. With her advance consent, of course. I've learned my lesson there.

>>334026

Ugh, one of these.

>>334026

*tips bonnet*

>>334026

>>>/paladin/

>>334026

Didn't read but after skimming this it looks like thinly veiled monster propoganda

>>334020

>/master/

How does a board like that not devolve into endless bickering between the shoggoth and kikimora camps?

>>334083

Have you never been? That's all it is really. A bunch of men arguing over which of the two is superior.

>>334026

t. valkyrie

Will there be elves?

I need to know I want an elf wife.

>>334155

mgu leave and stay leave

>>334083

Honestly, it gets tiresome watching two servant races go at it. As if being a different kind of slave makes you anything better than that. You should just leave the men to your betters and remember your place.

>>334155

This might not speak well of how much attention I pay, but what is MGU?

>>334178

Back to your keep Sir Fagalot.

>>334175

>reddit and furfag sites

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

>>334221

Man, how much of a little bitch do you have to be to come up with this shit?

>>334221

sounds like bad /r/hfy redditing.and the general furfag menace trying to co opt paladin posting so they can come here and shit up the place with unfunny trashposting.

The edgy shit is mostly reddit trash pushed by furfags on mgu. the dense campy paladin posting was at best funny shitposts found on 4/jp/'s general and this place before it got the attention of redditfags.

>>333026

What would a Troll's toes taste like?

>>334365

just don't panic lady

you'll lose your head

>>334365

Head still works right?

>>334365

>That flag

I don't think that it's relevant any more, just a hunch

>>334365

I hear the Demon Lord is always looking for good recruits for her army.

>>334175

The image was of poor quality and a paladindu wielding a spear with a severed head impaled on the tip.

>>334395

It still works but that's the least of my concerns

>I live in The Order's capital

>I'm a high ranking knight

I could potentially lose everything, last time something like this happened to one of the knights they were executed under suspicion of being a spy. Now if you'll excuse me I've got to pack up all of my shit and get the hell out of here

>>334450

>>>334450

>>>Running from your duty

>Absolutely Honorless

>>334477

>>>334450

>>>Running from your duty

I want newcunts to leave.

>>334489

>>334477

What the hell should I do then?

>>334594

Multiclass into rogue.

>>334594

Time to clear out of Order territory, honey, if you want to keep that pretty little head on your shoulders… well, you know what I mean.

If you need help, I'm sure one of my fellow succubi is lurking somewhere around there disguised as a human. I'll send word. They'll try to find you. Just get going as soon as you can.

When you are a safe distance from the capital, make a bee line for the nearest dark demon realm. You'll be safe there, and you'll have time to figure things out and talk to people. You really should think about enlisting in the Demon Lord's army, though. She loves disciplined dullahan soldiers like yourself.

One more word of advice. You haven't been one of us for long, and your kind can run on fumes better than most, but sooner or later…you're going to get hungry. The sooner you get to mamono-friendly territory, the sooner you can get some spirit energy supplements. They taste nasty, but it beats starving.

Unless of course there is a certain someone you were attracted to before all this. You could always try picking up a carry-out Order on your way out!

>>334598

Thanks for the advice, already made my way out of Order territory and have already made my way to an inn in Lescatie, now I just need to find the supplements or a travelling companion/potential husband

I'm probably going to join the Demon Lord's army, do you know if she needs an artifact hunter? Because that was my job when I was in the Order, they would send me to retrieve an artifact for them and I would be allowed to keep all of the loot I could carry, it paid pretty well for obvious reasons.

I hadn't considered this until the thread title, but getting akaname licked in the cold would just be awful. And I like akaname.

>>334604

So, how is daily life with monster girls treating you?

>do you know if she needs an artifact hunter?

Hmm, well, I can't say I know much about the Demon Army's business; I'm more of a lover than a fighter. Can't hurt to ask though. If there are any artifacts out there that can help the Demon Lord's plan along, I'm sure she has people out looking for them. We don't want extinction any more than your (former) Order does.

Aside from that, I guess you could always try looking for odd jobs from a lich or a dark mage or someone like that, but good luck finding them. They may have a keen interest in magical relics, but many of them tend to be very reclusive.

Lastly… and… ughhh… I hate to even bring them up, but… you could try your local Sabbath branch. I can't stand those pesky pettankos myself, but they do sometimes offer work that might suit your skillset. Just don't go along with their proselytizing, unless you want to look like an eight year old for the rest of your life.

>>335173

I'm doing good, finally got my head to stop falling off constantly. I joined the Demon Lord's army, thankfully the position I wanted was open. My first mission was to retrieve some old spell tome, there were also some paladins there for it but it was pretty easy to deal with them, I raped them, knocked them unconscious, then stole their gear

Also got those supplements, they really do taste horrid but at least I have a more reliable source now due to being in the Demon Lord's army

>>335222

> I raped them

> them

>>335223

There was more than 1 paladin, wasn't easy to do both of em at once but I did it

>>335228

You are missing the point of >>335223

>>335229

Oh, forgot to specify they were male

>>335230

You seem to have misunderstood the reason why folks are taking issue with the 'them' aspect of your account. Most folk here (bicorns and a few other individuals being the difference between 'most' and 'all') tend to take issue with the following in regard to sexual partners:

>There was more than 1

This attitude of dislike towards having multiple partners is strongest in regard to multiple male partners. Just something to take under advisement as you adapt to your new life.

>>335297

Look, I'm new to this, okay? I was a human less than a week ago, not to mention I was getting kind of hungry

>>335312

>Look, I'm new to this, okay?

Yeah I'll fucking say you are

>>335266

>>335297

>>335312

And the Order wonders why they keep losing their men to us.

>>335223

>>335266

>>335297

>>335312

>>335326

>>335340

>Dullathot needs a husbando

>Soon

(((We))) might be able to help you

For (((a price)))

>>335364

Try cosplaying as a nun or a paladin.

>>335352

>>335353

Oh hell no, I've been Danuki'd before and I'm not gonna fall for it again

>>335375

I wasn't dating any of them, just got hungry. Now let's get back to the shitposting

>>335375

As if you autists have any moral authority these days.

Not that you're wrong, it shows an abominable lack of self-control, but everyone knows Anubi sniff at just about anyone.

>>335402

I'd rather have an anubis than some creature as dumb as a bag of bricks. blue eyes are better anyway

>>335458

Shut up nerd! I can reed good and do other stuff good too! Sniffing at just means something different to us that aren't nose blind.

>>335606

>Would you say you've been a REGULAR supplement user?

Well, no. I mean, I only used them every now and then when my mana was running low from too much spell casting and I needed to power through. Maybe once a week or so? I don't know. Normal food only contains so much spirit energy, you know? And practicing high level magic for exams can get really taxing on your mana.

Now you really do have me curious--and worried. What are you danukis not telling us?

>>335624

You should probably see an OBGYN with a specialization in fertility.

Prolonged use and/or excessive reliance on mana supplements carries a risk of decreased fertility and in some cases outright sterility.

I told Ringtail & Kleinestripe it was a bad idea to skimp on the font size of the warning labels but they thought I was being overdramatic.

Though, to be fair it wouldn't have even been an issue if the damn Inari hadn't have been so deadset on raising the tariffs on printer ink and toner. So who's really to blame here?

>>335637

At last the real reason for low inter-fertility between humans and mamonos comes out…

>>333467

>>335904

Danuki occupied government is a meme. It's just the Paladindus and Orderfaggots that want you to believe they are not working in your favor when they are actually working against both their interests.

>>336344

Oh sure, that's easy when every cute guy in a 10-mile radius seems to run off as soon as I try to smile. Last human I managed to get close to was some weirdo chubster who insisted I was a 'Sister of Nyogtha' or whatever, doesn't matter, and tried to make me have his 'unholy half-breed spawn' as part of some ritual. Serves me right for trying, I guess.

It's just… I just wish people gave me a chance, y'know? I mean, am I really that freaky? I know I'm not exactly… Flesh and bone like a Kikimora is, but is that really that bad? I know it's… Kinda creepy that you can use me as furniture, but isn't that convenient? Convenience isn't creepy, right?

Am I just… gonna have to accept that cute guys don't like their girls the physical consistency of silicone sealant? Accept that I only appeal to occultists who fantasize about getting it on with unspeakable horrors? I just… Don't know. Maybe I should just drink some more. I might've… Raided someone's liqueur cabinet. I didn't actually think alcohol would work on me and… Mmm. I'm like… A big jelly shot. I wish… I was a cute boy's jelly shot…

>>336358

You better be selling some cute boys and for a good price, else I'm not drunk enough to be interested. Whatcha have in mind?

>>336352

Would it really be so bad to date an occultist? I mean, a good number of them like you for what you really are.

>>336376

>You uh, wouldn't happen to know any nice occultists, do you? I might… Give them a chance. Maybe. Only maybe.

Justician occultists seem nice enough. Maybe they'd be initially be drawn to you by whatever they can see about you before talking to you, but the big emphasis on family and love means they'd want to get to know you better.

>>336341

> What does some Kikimora slut have that I don't, huh?

Bones?

>>336403

If Ms. Spooky Slime could get a bone in her I'm sure she wouldn't be posting

>>335369

>>335364

>Nun or paladin

You could try and get a bikini armor

>>336413

My loneliness is not a joke, you overgrown furball!

>>336403

I could theoretically squeeze a skeleton inside myself, but I think that'd have the opposite effect. It's the boobs they're after, isn't it?

>>336380

I'll take it into… Consideration. They uh… Don't mind tentacles, do they? I mean I know some guys are kind of into that sort of thing but… Just checking. Just in case.

Um, hello? I know I'm probably coming to the wrong place just by posting here, but I don't know who else to ask. I'm just thankful I have any connectivity at all; I'm guessing my love was on here last and

Wait. Did my love put a word-replace filter on this thing or something? Maybe it's a privacy thing; I mean, it's one of the few external-material items in here…

Nevermind. Point is, my love recently got some mail, the usual catalogs, the sort of things she uses to get inspiration on what new outfits to look like she's wearing. Problem is, the most recent catalog involved wedding dresses - it's the one with the Ittan-momen model, you know? And she must have tried taking on similar forms, as usual. But something happened in between then and now, and she's either sulking, catatonic, somewhere in between, or worse. I know she had problems with the color white, but still.

Nothing I've tried has broken her out of this funk - not stroking the silverware, not reading from the more exotic works, not even provoking her into a good old-fashioned melt-together. She didn't even twitch on that one. I'm getting seriously worried.

>>336376

Take this advice with a grain of salt, because it's from the perspective of the recipient: be subtle. Focus more on the intellectual side of the occult, rather than the maddening aspects; provide threads, but make them be the ones to pull. Seriously, it's how I met my love. Decided to investigate an old manor, got hit by a storm that was pretty much predicted weeks in advance, stayed in because the hospitality was amazing, rest is history.

>>336376

>>336352

What happened to your Master? Was he carted off to the local asylum?

>>336417

>They uh… Don't mind tentacles, do they? I mean I know some guys are kind of into that sort of thing but… Just checking. Just in case.

They should be fine with it so long as you're not into prostate play.

>>336421

That's… That's not funny. Maybe. Yes.

>>336423

No orifices would be penetrated without any would-be Master's permission, I assure you. And them. I try to keep all my limbs in check, y'know. Emphasis on 'try'.

>>336419

I guess it's worth trying at least? Find somebody who's not into the occult for the madness like a junkie hungers for his next high, maybe stake out some nice abandoned spot to lure them in from… Well, it's not like I've got anyting better to do. Thank you, I think.

>>336361

Oh, I think (((We))) can arrange something………

>>336417

>>>336403

>I could theoretically squeeze a skeleton inside myself, but I think that'd have the opposite effect.

I'm glad you didn't misinterpret that… That would have gone poorly

> It's the boobs they're after, isn't it?

…?

I thought shogs had the advantage in that area.

>

>>336430

>Without your masters permission

If he wants you to do so then he's probably going to turn into an alp fairly soon

>>336430

Might be worthwhile to look into either getting a job or becoming a regular patron at an older library, museum, or shop of some sort. Take advantage of regular encounters with people who also have a reason to be there to get to know a potential master before mentioning your interest in them. It would also play well into following the advice of >>336419 which I can confirm as effective from seeing in action (for quite a variety of folk I might add). The key part of what I'm saying is create a reason for you to be in a situation conducive to conversation, it makes finding a good relationship much easier (and less stressful).

>>336471

>I thought shogs had the advantage in that area.

Well, uhm… Unlike with Kikimoras master's fingers might slip into the 'flesh' of my boobs if he squeezes too hard. It's kind of embarassing…

>>336497

If master's curious about anal it's only right I abide! Right? I mean unless master wants me to look like a man…

>>336527

I miiiight just make an application to the local library, yeah. It's run by an elderly Jorou-Gumo, she's pretty kind (if a bit… Special, but I'm one to talk) and if I'm lucky might be understanding of my ah, plight. I'll just have to convince her I'll actually do my job instead of ogling cute boys. I mean I'll do both, but… Still.

>>336430

>that spoiler

Ohohohohohoho, oh My. You dizzy bitch. What in the World did he have in his head to make you so ridiculously casual?

>>336541

Aha, well. If you insist; would it be weird for me to say that I'm kind of afraid of occultists? Not because I worry they'd do me harm or whatever but rather because I worry about what they want from me. When they see me they don't think 'maid', they think of me as a gateway to their beliefs. I'm less a mamono, more a tool for them to wield to get what they want. I… Caved in once. With one human. Y'know, wanted to see 'the Truth' and all that gunk you hear these people blabber on about. I showed them things the human mind wasn't… Really sculpted to handle. Obviously it's tempting for them to assume they're the ones who are able to, but…

So! Nowadays I try to to keep a low profile. Just… Hoping someone will notice me, or something. Doubt that's gonna go very far. I can't believe you got me to blogpost.

>>336584

My dear, if you're having troubles with men, I may have a solution. May. May. You see, my brother-in-law lacks that certain someone in his life, and in all honesty is unlikely to find his way towards that end any time soon…but aside from a lack of initiative (the man is alright, but ends up buried in books - sometimes literally, the shelves are packed - more days than is healthy), I think he would be right up your alley. He's the sort to venture outside on occasion for fresh air, but gets lost in his thoughts until he returns, and with as much interest in fiction as he has, you would have no trouble in showing him a whole new world of joy. After all, reality is stranger than fiction~

And no, the man isn't a cultist. Just…interested in the works of those who end up on that path? At most he might read something that gibbers at him, but it never seems to affect him. It's actually rather bizarre. My own husband has commented on the man's resilience in the face of madness - you'd better act quick, or some silly Wonderlander might snatch him up!

>>336584

See, this is why you're a lesser maid. You sulk and drink and don't get things done.

You want a husband/master? Simple, go find a gremlin girl. Then go dig up H. P. Lovecraft and take a bone sample. It has his DNA after all. Then clone him.

>b-but he'll still be a child

So what? You live for who knows how long. Raise him as his loyal meido until the only woman for him is you. You can also /ss/ if that's your thing.

>>336595

He doesn't sound like too bad of a guy, I suppose - not an occultist but knows just enough to not run away screaming, might be able to handle copulating, is probably a nice person if he comes recommended… You uh, wouldn't mind setting me up with this ah, brother-in-law, would you? Or y'know, just. Maaaaybe tell him about me? See if he's interested? Maybe? Please?

>>336620

I am not a lesser maid! It's not my fault you keep stealing all the good men with your… Ugh! W-Why are you giving me advice?

>>336624

>Why are you giving me advice?

Because proper maids don't spend their time sulking, drinking because of loneliness, and blogposting on a Taiwanese cave scratching site.

I may not like you overgrown jellies, but I dislike subpar maids more. We have standards that we live up to. Now get out there and git gud.

>>336624

I'd be happy to help! But I'm afraid there's only so much I can tell you - these things are best learned first-hand, I've found. More importantly, there are others listening. I can provide a few details, at least: My mast- Husband. He prefers 'husband.' One of these days I'll remember that. My husband's brother is the older of the two by two years, at twenty-seven, and like I said before, quite the bookworm. He likes to settle into a place for a while, get to know the environment, only finding inclination to move on if he runs out of, shall we say, items of interest. If you're anything like me, that shouldn't be a problem. He's quite the imaginative sort - frankly, when my husband introduced us, he barely seemed to notice I had extended a pseudopod by mistake. It was quite embarrassing; serves me right for trying to focus on the laundry at that time.

Honestly, I think the man's almost…bored, perhaps? Yes, boredom would be the best term for his situation, a general malaise where he's searching for something but can't quite figure out what. If it helps, he did perk up a bit when I mentioned…our old home…but only showed curiosity with regard to its overall structure, rather than the ones responsible. He does draw a bit, along the lines of that wonderful Escher fellow.

Aside from that, though, I think the rest is something you'll have fun learning for yourself. Feel free to contact me at the usual channels; I'm not accusing anyone else here of anything, but I know for a fact that the board's been hit by both Orderites and those silly Sabbath children in the past, and while I have professional respect for our Siberian counterparts, I'm not willing to let one of them snatch up a master from us. Tekeli-li, you dogbird whores.

Above all, relax. The man's got more curiousity than common sense. He won't freak out or anything if things start moving toward our particular style of existence. Just…you might at times need to show some initiative? "Place" some books on the topic of our kind within reach, and I think he'll come round right quick~

>>336624

An addendum to the contents of >>336642 :

I've been speaking with my mas-HUSBAND. Confound these reflexes. My husband believes his brother should be quite the fit for you, and plans to "provide a lead" on a place with "interesting things;" he'll be able to do so after we communicate, and can add to the description anything you care for me to pass along. The two don't really interact much, but they do trust and respect one another, and my husband believes this should send his brother your way quite rapidly.

>>336627

I should probably sneer and call you an annoying featherhag for nosing around in my business, but… You're right. I'm a terrible excuse for a maid, and it just won't do. You're still a snooping hag, but you're right.

>>336642

>>336644

I… Must thank you for doing this for me, just out of the blue like that. I mean I figured I'd be laughed out for coming on here to whine about how nobody loves me like some destitute housewife while I drown my sorrows in cheap booze, but… Please forgive me if I seem sparse on words, but I really I think I'm at a loss of them. Words, I mean. Your brother-in-law sounds like a good man and I'd be honored to meet him. That's a… Good start, isn't it?

If it's not too much to ask, your husband could pass along that I have some books that might be of his brother's… Interest. As for what they're about, that's… Well, that's for him to see. Goodness, I really must clean myself up…

>>336649

Good things start small. Like books. Or children! I imagine you'll give my Husband's brother quite a few of both~ I'll have my Husband describe a growing library; one with plenty of shelves and volumes that come and go. Simply the chance of catching them before they disappear should be enough to spur the man onward~ Best of luck to you. Truth be told, I was in your situation myself. For the longest time, I was actually stuck in the middle of a desolate forest. I could have left, but I had made a promise, and damnit I keep those. Then my Husband came along, and a week-long rain and some good books later, he decided to stay. You may recall, my Husband was actually in this thread not too long ago, asking for some aid he believed he needed to provide me. In actuality I was simply attempting to reconfigure a few things - dratted low-color pigments always gave me trouble, and I so very much wanted to model that one dress - and so his worries were for naught, but it did feel nice to be cared for. When you have your Master - and eventually your Husband - you'll know what I mean, thoroughly.

>>336741

Is that Ray?

>>336341

Just gotta give em some shuggar baby.

>>336649

My dear, I have good news and bad news. Well, my Husband does, but the point's the same either way.

The good news is, the brother-in-law is immensely intrigued, and intends to visit soon. Quite soon. Actually, that's also the bad news: he's on the way now, just went out the door in fact, and my Husband describes his general driving habits as "Ludicrous at minimum," specifically clarifying the capital L. I tell you this so you have advance warning - but do not fret, the man is too focused upon his learning and overall curiosity to notice much else. Simply put your best face forward, and you'll do just fine. After all, there's methods of learning that only we can provide. Let him "find out" in whatever manner you prefer, and I'm certain he'll seek you out for your own personal assistance soon enough.

Oh, and be sure to let us know when he makes the first move, would you dear? My Husband and I, we don't exactly have a wager, more an…interest, perhaps? In seeing this through. After all, my Husband was worried for years his brother wouldn't find his own special someone. Encountering you here was a stroke of luck.

Tekeli-li~

>>334026

Holy shit did /leftypol/ write this garbage?

>This may seem like baseless fear-mongering akin to the Eurabia scare

sage for OT I guess

>>336785

He's… Coming already? Shitshitshitshitshit That's uh, those are great news! I'd never thought somebody would be so absoutely ecstatic to see me! Fuck fuck fuck I haven't even figured out a good look to seduce him with His visit is… Sooner than I'd thought it'd be, but I'll make sure to accomodate him nicely! Fuck fuck fuck Oh, and I really must thank you again for this chance - to think that I managed to stumble upon your kindness by sheer chance like this is… Quite mystifying, albeit welcome. Very welcome. Like your brother-in-law. Yes.

Oh no is that him knocking at the door please don't let me fuck this up

My arm got cut off, it'll grow back r-right?

>>336805

I can only imagine you're reading this after the fact, dear, but if it helps, the man doesn't actually "do" first impressions. Relax, decrystallize, and just…be yourself. Really, his primary concerns - understanding of what is and could be - have made it so he barely notices most things he's not paying attention to.

Actually, even if you did, shall we say, end up less than composed in your meeting - to the extent that even he notices - that would only garner his attention, nothing less desirable. As a matter of fact, it might even be a boon toward future interactions. After all, it's proof positive there's more beneath the surface than the image we project~

You'll be fine. My Husband agrees with me on this, and notes that it's just something he had to deal with growing up; you could punch him flat in the face, and while it would get his attention, it'd take active aggression to even lower his opinion slightly. It's not easy to get him to come around - you'll have to work toward that end - but he guarantees that it would take far more work to make him turn away.

Also, have I really been posting without my avatar? How long…Abyss, I feel silly.

>>336816

I realize I'm a bit late in giving you an after-report (can I really call it that?), but he's been sleeping so soundly for several hours now and I haven't been able to bring myself to reform back from being his bed. I'm typing this from my phone and it's not that great, but he's so cute when he's asleep… Did you know he does this adorable thing where he scrunches his nose when you-

…Uh. Uhm. It went well! Really, really well. We got off on a pretty rocky start (I was still cleaning up when he came knocking and I miiight have reeked of cheap booze) but somehow I actually managed to convince him to stay the night with me! Which you'll probably hear about later from him. Ah.

He was… Surprisingly lax about the whole mamono-thing. I guess he's used to you? At first I wasn't even sure he was aware I was a Shog until he asked about my- Yeah.

I don't want to play things up as being bigger than they were; we spent the night blabbering about books and getting to know each other better (I think he's happy that he's found someone who actually knows what he's talking about), nothing… Particularly saucy. Sorry.

Somehow I got him to agree to letting me ah, 'tuck him in', and that's how we are where we are. We've already set up plans for a second, less impromptu date and we're both really looking forward to it. I really must thank you again for giving me this chance-

Oh no he just started hugging me help me he's adorable

>>336915

Well, things possibly could have gone better, but dear, with those few exceptions I do believe you just may have managed to make one of the best impressions on the man that anyone ever has. Really, the fool has never reacted quite so well to anyone before. By my Husband's reckoning, the man wasn't expected to open up so much as this for at least a month, if not three; why, we may need to start thinking about your wedding soon~

Just keep up whatever you're doing, be yourself, and have patience. From my Husband's stories, this last is what halted so many other Mamono in the past. It will take time. And then, when he finally makes the move for a "meeting of the minds," well, I'm certain you'll find you made the right choice.

As for myself, I have to be away from this for some time - my Husband is demanding my attentions, as it were. I'm afraid it may be a while before I can return; members of his family are quite…thorough in their affections, as I'm sure you'll find out soon enough~

>>336994

Crayons are tasty this time of year

Anyone else read Geiger Counter? God I wish I could save that poor shota.

>>337065

>>337065

Can't say I have. Is it any good? Would you mind giving me a quick review? Would be nice to have something to read since I'm staying indoors all the time these days anyway until the child comes. Hubby is away for a few days, picking up a crib from my parents' place, so I get bored easily.

>>337069

>ushi-oni polymorphs into a more human form

>tells a boy there's monsters about and she needs to check the house security

>high impact sexual violence

>>337279

It's hard to reach people when you're stuck in the ground

>>337279

Don't worry, I'm sure someday you'll find a fun guy.

>>337279

Do you like going for long romantic walks on the beach?