/freedomzine/ - FreedomZine

In the period of these abuses I can also say that I came to make a sexual things also with my female cousins of more or less age and with my half sister and her older friends. My sister kept asking if I had already had sex with my uncle just because I already had I slept there at his house and because he was gay, I lied and said that yes just for her not stop sucking me off and also let me continue to lick her. I had a maid who once let me lick her pussy too when I was very young, I should have been around for 5 years. It got really messed up chronologically, but I summarized these events that took place between my 4 and 14 years of age. When I was 8 years old my mother caught me again, this time making a blowjob for a friend of my age, but it was not me who started. My father again came to me and said that this was a fag thing and I was very ashamed.

When I turned 11 I went to live with my father and my stepmother, in that period I started to masturbate just for the pleasure and it was then that I had the first orgasm, I did not even have access to pornography. In that year something would happen, I would change forever . Once I went to spend my weekend at my uncle's house that was gay, I liked him very much and knew that he loved me, always gave me gifts, whenever I went ill he helped my mother and took me to the hospital, always made me laugh. I always had a good relationship with his boyfriend, he always made me laugh too and treated me well, took me to the movies sometimes and etc. On Saturday I was with them I was talking about how grown I was and that I could already ejaculate a drop and already had romantic interests with the girls of my school and so far so good.Now the next day my uncle had left and stayed all day alone with my uncle's boyfriend he made a bed on the floor and put the van helsing movie for us to watch. I was wearing pants and no shirt and so did he. He started to caress me in the chest, but so far nothing.Then started to lower his hand up to my belly and slowly to my penis, but over my pants. I was motionless and the pleasure I felt was very high. Without even processing what was happening I lowered my pants and my underwear a little and he started to masturbate me, it was an immense pleasure and a very great arousement, I could not think.Then he asked if I wanted to hold his penis and I did not answer, I was paralyzed and he continued. Soon after he whispered " do not tell anyone" It was at that moment that a wave of guilt, shame and unimaginable sadness came. Something inside me knew that was wrong and that was not my role as a man. I started crying desperately and he stopped and came even to me saying I did not become gay and I was not going to become gay. I stayed there crying for a few minutes later he took me to a games room at the mall and then I went home without telling my father anything.Then I would masturbate with heterosexual thinking, but sometimes i would catch myself thinking about what would have happened if I had not stopped him and started fantasizing him penetrating me. Some other times I was in my uncle's house, his boyfriend was drunk and when we were alone he would tell me how much he had done to me and it seemed to be in a sarcastic tone. I had a moment that I was looking at the pc and he ran his hand up under my butt. A little later I was already 14 years old in my uncle's house again with my grandmother, but my uncle's boyfriend was not there I started to feel angry at what he did to me and I decided to tell my grandmother.Then when she started to go further thinking that he had raped me, I said no and I told her just what he had done. My uncle heard and started yelling at me saying that I was lying, saying that I wanted to destroy his relationship just because he was gay, he probably would have beaten me if my grandmother had not been there. They started to tell me that I was lying and was possessed, he started to saying to me that my mother never cared for me and etc.After a while before going to bed I was talking with my grandmother about what had happened and she told me " Why did not you stop him when he started touching you? "and then I was ashamed and I quieted.My mom came to get me the day next and she was very nervous because she had to come from a long distance and began to scold me.After I spoke with my father and he was much more understanding calm and asked what had happened and said that I could tell him everything without fear. I did everything I had to talk about what happened on the day of abuse and then nothing was done. They did not denounce anyone and did not even stop having contact with my uncle or his boyfriend. My grandmother was staying in the house of my uncle and I did not want to go there anymore but my father made me go and when we got there my father was still complimenting my abuser. Until today I'm angry about it.

Years were spent with compulsive masturbation, sometimes I fantasized about gay sex, but for me at least at the time it did not really affect me because I thought I was not to blame for that. It was a disease, a deviation caused by the abuse.When I turned 18 I lost my virginity to a girl, but even keeping my erection for a long time with a lot of excitement I could not reach orgasm. I was thinking a lot about it because everything about her attracted me, her breasts, her vagina, the scent.Low time after I had my first wet dream and it was a very gay dream.I woke up desperate, crying talking that it was not me, that I was not gay but this time I failed to act as if the blame was not mine. The orgasm that I felt in the dream was more intense than any of the other times that I masturbated. I ended up creating another compulsion but in the speech and kept repeating "I do not like dick, I just like pussy" several times in the day.I would spend a lot of time masturbating ceaselessly in heterosexual content to prove that I am not gay and I was excited to see women, but in those days I had a rain of wet gay dreams. I was afraid of sleeping, it was horrible.After some time having these wet dreams it happened that I could contain the orgasm waking up suddenly and being able to feel a little less worse. I do not really understand this because I do not feel attracted to men nor by their physicality, I do not possess any romantic desire either, but these depraved thoughts continues.I am 25 years old now going through some of the worst moments of my life, my father in whom I had a greater connection and greater confidence died in june of 2017, I do not know what to do, I seem to be trapped in this situation, and those thoughts do not seem to be gone. There are a couple of weeks ago I was on a porn site and one of the videos that appeared on the home page was with the photo of a transsexual and a dick ejaculating.I could not control my impulse and I ended up clicking on the video and I was very aroused, it seems that these types of videos were made for people who have been abused, from the images, the voices, the background music, and you keep thinking about surrendering to it. I do not get excited with normal gay porn because I'm not attracted to men, so this video of transsexual attracted me so much because it is the body of a woman but with a penis and I long to be penetrated, which is the only thing that has not happened in any of the abuses(I have no desire to crossdress).After this video I began searching for this hypnotic type of pornography and some hentais(erotic japanese animations) categorized as "feminization" and you know what, they're full of stories of teenage boys being abused very much like my case and what almost kills me is that I fantasize about being these boys and it excites me.In the end when I just finished masturbating comes that overwhelming shame, that disgust of myself, the regret of knowing that it does not fit my personality or what want to be.

My resistance to this type of pornography is ending, now even when I see heterosexual pornography with anal penetration or the sight of penises it triggers in me these thoughts and feelings. If I stop masturbating, I fear that wet dreams will return with full force. I get fear one day I give up fighting this for a few moments and end up acting out, to finally sink into a pit of bitterness and resentment in what seems to me to be the point of no return … I feel trapped in almost 2 options: to have a controlled life and difficult or almost none sexual relations, or to surrender to the depraved deviations of behavior that I hate and may give me much carnal pleasure and live a life of shame and self hate. Sometimes I think of disappearing and other times if someone could erase all the memories from my brain and start over.

This the first time a shared this with anyone,at least the full story.I've found this site when I was searching about the consequences of child sexual abuse to try to understand what is happening to me and encountered an article called "Sexual Desorientation of Male Sexual Abuse Survivors" from Joe Kort and it was mentioned in one of the threads of this forum.Now i'm here.

Lets start with my step-grandfather. What a twisted piece of shit. He took me out in the woods in his old station wagon. Then he got my pants down. Told me I was arousing him. He stuck a cigar tube in me and then he penetrated me. I threw up. He called me "a little puke." He made me do oral sex on him. He got mad when I bit him once and stuck my face in a toilet bowl full of feces and urine. My grandmother came to my rescue that time. Chased him off.

Then came the sadistic ritual abuse with his "friends". They wore hoods. They painted me in animal blood and did unspeakable things to other people in my presence. They tried to get me to do these things. I couldn't. They punished me. Tried to drown me, shocked me, locked me in a box, punched and kicked me as well as sodomized me.

Somehow, I survived. Probably by locking it all away. I haven't remembered until now- in my 40s in therapy. I'm lucky to have kids and wife and a good job. But this last six months has been hellish. I'm trying to work my way through it all.

I am ambivalent about writing this story, but I know it is useful to get it all out. It would be nice to have a friend I could share it with, but I find myself shying away from all intimate relations (including friendship), especially with men. How I long to be understood, to have acceptance and affection from men.

My Grandfather has many devious traits, but his sexual aggression is debatably the worst. I truly loved him, and felt that he loved me. Moreover, I still feel love for him, even though I hate him and what he has done to me. Does that make any sense?

It would always happen at his house, and it first started when I was around five years old. He had this bathroom upstairs with a tub opposite the sink and mirrors above the sink and the tub, giving one the odd impression of “looking into eternity” when looking in the mirrors. Ironically the effect of what happened there while looking in these mirrors have eternally consequences on my soul.

I was five. He was my grandpa. He gave me baths. He called it “our game.”

The first time I remember playing “our game”, I was staying with him and my grandma. He walked with me into the bathroom, shut and locked the door, and, picking me up, placed me on the counter/sink.

“I love you Robbie,” he said as he began taking off my clothes. I remember the feel of his callused hands gently caressing my body.

“I love you too grandpa,” I said enthusiastically.

He continued to grope me as he took of my shirt, shoes, socks, pants and underwear. “Do you want to play a game?” he asked me while continuing to rub me. I nodded. He proceeded to show me how to “play.” He took my flaccid five-year-old penis and sucked on it, moving it around in his mouth with his tongue. It felt good.

“Okay,” he said, “do you like that? Now you do it to me.” He undid his pants, and produced his penis. It seemed huge to me, and unlike mine it was hard. I was curious because I had never really examined a penis before, and I had never seen one that was hard. At his urging I touched it, and took him in my mouth. I did my best to repeat what he had showed me. He liked it very much, calling me a “good boy” and repeatedly telling me how much he loved me. I can still taste him.

During other encounters he would suck on or fondle me while on the counter, while I was in the bathtub, or while he was in the bath with me. Sometimes he was naked, sometimes I was naked, and sometimes we both were. Sometimes he wouldn't have me perform oral sex on him. Sometimes I would just stroke his penis. Sometimes he would get excited and masturbate himself into an orgasm and ejaculate on me.

This continued for 1+ years, whenever he could get me alone, until the day my mother (although not realizing what was going on) felt that I shouldn't spend time alone with my grandparents anymore. For this I am extremely grateful as it reduced the time of my sexual abuse. I never told anyone, because my grandpa told me this was our game, and that it should be just between us. I loved him, and wanted to make him happy, so I said nothing.

During this time I became more and more introverted and began to develop a self-esteem problem that would haunt me all of my life. I don't want to start listing the effects of sexual abuse on me, but I do want to say that it did almost immediately begin to have large results on my personality and development.

I just don't understand. I loved him, and I thought he loved me. I thought he accepted me. I felt special. I also liked it. I hate that I liked it, but I did! I felt close to him, and loved, and although I didn't have an orgasm, it still felt good to have my penis touched! God help me! Even relating these experiences, though it is painful, it is at the same time pleasurable and even erotic! I feel so messed up and lost and like no one loves me and that I can't ever connect with a man without it being sexual. I don't want these feelings! I want to be mad! I want to hate him, and have that be all! I want to be angry!

You see, to me the sex was love, and I still need to be loved.

I read an article about sexual abuse victims being touch deprived, because they are scared. I feel that I am! I just want to be accepted!

Oh it hurts.

I am grateful to be able share this. If anyone who reads this has any comments, or can explain why I feel the way I do, please write me at waltonrob@hotmail.com.

Thanks,

just-kiss-it

>>360

No human, let alone a young male child of the species human should have their anus subjected to this sort of abuse.

I humbly and most heartfeltedly[sic] apologize for any references That I may have made to attractions to older men

I understand now and hope that prayer may help you heal physically[sic](yor anus) and psychologically(yor brane)

Put yor hand to the screen lad(I shall feel yor prescence and do it simultaneously(at the same time as you) and repeat after me:"Lord Jesus, I am in yor power and am yor servent in all, and that this servitude to you gives me certain benefits such as anal and brane healing"

good bye and God bless

(sac)rifice for the lord

Haha..hee i tought i was postinga new thread

wat is this shit anyway

delete it

its disgusting

some will think you are a pervert

>>376

Yeah, not gonna delete it, (sac , )

FREEDOM, remember?

But if faggots like you keep bumping it, the thread will probably get anchored.

So, yeah, learn to

SAGE!

Also,

>giving a flying fuck what "some… think"?

I'll leave that up to 'others'.